Why do guys say "you can always ask me anything" when they don't mean it?

[DishLady]

Why do guys say this to a gal when they don't actually mean it?

You're dating a guy and he says this, however he doesn't want you asking personal questions about HIM. He just wants you to keep opening up and making yourself vulnerable by asking questions about yourself (or really anything under the sun except him). To me it's a ridiculous sort of red flag, even if the guy claims it's not.

Your thoughts, guys and gals?

[MicahRaine]

Saying anything you don't mean is borderline manipulative (unless it's for a joke). So yes, I agree it's red flag with bad motivations when you don't mean it.

That said, I'm with @HawkPerception here. I have said that and will say it again, but I really do mean it. I know it doesn't sound great at first, so I always explain why I say it: 1. The more open you are, the quicker you get to know and trust each other, 2. Building a relationship on the foundation of honesty makes it significantly easier to communicate and deal with issues later in the relationship.

I remember when Raine and I were gearing up to date, I said she could ask anything. Here are a few of the things she asked: 1. Do I watch porn and would allow her to help me stop? 2. The nitty gritty details of my last relationship? 3. What was I looking to give and recieve in a relationship? 4. Do I have a plan for my life and what is it?

I answered those questions and more. It wasn't always "fun," but it was always worth it. Knowing those things enabled her to support me and help me grow both as a partner and as an individual.

[HawkPerception]

Ha, when I say this, I genuinely mean it. I mean literally ANYTHING. It could be about my sexual history or traumas. It could be about my fears or negative qualities about myself. When I say I'm an open book, I genuinely mean it. It's both my good and bad quality. I'm not a secretive guy and because of that I'm not "mysterious guy" that girls tend to be attracted to.

[DishLady]

This I know is 100% true bc you're very open even on here, which is hard to do. Some folks have a defensive nature, though, so it's more this type who will SAY you can ask... but then don't mean it.

[HawkPerception]

I'd say most people have a defensive nature and it's hard for me to be an empath with them and see from their perspective, because I genuinely don't see the big deal in sharing stuff about yourself.

If you want to be close with someone, especially in a relationship, the more you share the better 😕 Everyone always has emotional walls up, which baffles me a little. It really is hard for me to walk in their shoes for this particular topic

[MicahRaine]

@HawkPerception same here 😂

[DishLady]

Agreed, HP.

[Mwolf]

Ditto. If their gonna be your partner their gonna learn anyways at some point, right?

[DishLady]

@Mwolf Yes, *they're possibly going to learn, but not necessarily.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Because it sounds authentic and vulnerable and girls go for it every time. Trouble is, they don't follow it with "I will answer any questions you have truthfully...".

However, this isn't exclusive to guys. People do not generally mean what they say. That is one reason people who have autism can have a rough time socially, distinguishing between niceties and the literal. I am not autistic, but I am authentic. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that people consistently say things they absolutely do not mean. For example:

When people ask for advice, most do not actually want advice. They want approval for what they already decided to do. They want us to agree with them and validate their bad choice. When we don't, they want to figure out how to lie to us so that we will still accept them even though they are giving us BS.

Just my experience... :D

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao i have NEVER met a guy who said you can ASK him anything. I know a lot say they are open to discussing anything and they’re usually referring to sexual crap like fantasies. But nah men haaaate questions that they didn't come prepared to answer

[DishLady]

I get it all the time but it’s insincere.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea thats why i dont hear guys asking it cause they wouldn't mean it lmao

[Ironco]

I must be the exception to the rule then, if I ask a woman to ask me anything, I'll answer it.

Sometimes it'll get me in trouble, sometimes it keeps the conversation moving forward, but I always answer.

Probably comes back to always being honest. Period.

Sometimes it'll bite you in the ass, but it's well worth it to be honest.

[Ironco]

And sometimes, I like to answer the question just to see the shock looked on her face. Sometimes that's well worth it also

[DishLady]

Lol. You're a real card, @Ironco

[Ironco]

Thank you, ma'am
🤪😜👍

[MrOracle]

I actually mean it. I will actually answer questions, unless they're outright abusive or something - which I don't think I've ever really had with a girl I was dating (a couple of other women have tried, though, and got shut down).

[DishLady]

See, for someone like you, who speaks their mind clearly no matter what, I believe that for sure. We’ve disagreed once or twice but you always answer (and also always do it politely, which I appreciate).

[MrOracle]

I do try. Communication is incredibly important if a relationship is to be successful.

[BarryLiverstone]

It depends on when they say this to you. If you have talked for a month and some trust has been built up he may mean you can ask him anything. If you just met a day ago it’s more likely he is saying it to encourage you to ask more about him.

[DishLady]

I don't know that the timing impacts things if he’s not actually willing to open up about himself.

[BarryLiverstone]

Timing matters because if he’s a closed person then after a month you will know more about him and can better judge what he means. While it’s true that if he’s not willing to open up it wouldn’t matter when he tells this to you, it’s more likely he is being genuine if he trusts you more

[DishLady]

Ah! I see what you mean. :)

[BarryLiverstone]

Thanks. Also you have to consider “shit tests” when you are starting to date someone.

[Mwolf]

Exactly

[OfMiceandMen]

I would only say ask me anything if it goes both ways. I am not willing to open up to someone unless she's okay doing the same thing. It can't be one sided.

[DishLady]

Yeah of course! But one person sharing everything and the other claiming “ask me anything” and then sharing nothing is crazy in my opinion.

[OfMiceandMen]

Absolutely, I wouldn't go for it. It's like they want to be player but have no skin in the game.

[just_a_potato]

Maybe to seem more open. Most guys I've spoken to who've said that meant it. But I met a couple weirdos who get really defensive or offended if I take them up on the offer 😂

[DishLady]

Same! Some guys are so sweet about it and others are total dbags.

[RetroReviews]

Maybe some guys are like that guys of low integrity if I say I mean it

[DishLady]

Actually, I know that about you and the few people I follow. You mean what you say, even if we disagree. It's something I can respect. Thank you. :)

[RetroReviews]

Anytime and I feel the same about you 🙂

[legalboxers]

I will give you an answer regardless. #zerofilter. Also being a New Yorker City person, we dont have filters...

[Ironco]

He's 100% correct on that

[legalboxers]

@Ironco ^5

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@legalboxers That has been my experience with New Yorkers. It's zesty and surprising to those of us who are more reserved, but I personally like knowing exactly where someone is at with me. :D

[DishLady]

Same @TheRealPepperPotts!

[legalboxers]

@TheRealPepperPotts Im guessing you are one of us :)

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@legalboxers Actually, no. I have never been there and am definitely not. But my late husband's family is Italian and hails from NY State, so I know the flavor. But I love them to pieces; such great people.

I believe the term for where I'm from is the Left coast, LOL. :D

[DishLady]

@TheRealPepperPotts "Left Coast"? 😂

[Mark987]

That is extremely weird, for him to say that and not want to answer it. Saying " you can ask me anything" means you're an open book and can answer anything.

[DishLady]

A very tightly closed book in actuality….

[DrPepper12]

Same reason people at funeral say "if you need anything..." It's an offer of future forward relationship.

[DishLady]

You know? I’ve hosted my share of funerals and not once have I taken anyone up on their “if you need anything” bc I felt it was just a polite thing to say.

[NathanDavis]

you can always ask me anything @DishLady and I mean it...

but that doesn't meant that I will answer absolutely everything, lol

[DishLady]

My goodness, Nat, why the creepy clown face?

[NathanDavis]

was it creepy? lol...

[OlderAndWiser]

Both genders say things they don't mean. Yes, it is a ploy, but not very sophisticated, and it should be treated as a warning sign.

[worldscolide]

Dunno, I always mean it. Unless said question is an obvious trap.

[bowenw]

I would never say that if I didn't mean it.

[beefcakebradybatson]

To club a woman.

[CubaPirate]

Go right ahead I mean it