Is this acceptable after 12 years together? Am I wrong to feel this way?

Question

So I've been with my partner for 12 years. Our sex life has not always been the best but it's not so much the sex but the intimacy of being close I miss. As the longer we are together there seems to be no sex and no closeness. At night he keeps to his side of the bed and there's not even a cuddle from him. It's been fading like this for a while. I've tried talking to him only he says it all in my head and I'm insecure and needy. Then the other night he cuddles uo to me it feels great but then he has a cramp and that's it. I do sit down and talk to him. Only he gets angry and says he works he's tired and what do I expect. It's driving me crazy and he has never been a person to ever compliment me not ever but when I ask what's wrong he truly does seem to think nothing is wrong. He doesn't care if I get chatted up or if I get attention. I know it sounds like he doesn't love me but he say he does and that I'm all he needs. . Just there is no oomph with him there nothing.

As I'm writing this question I think I'm also seeing and giving myself the answer

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

For a majority of men what your asking I believe does t come to us natural. Men know they have to play this game of romance, putting their best foot forward, etc, to get her to even want to give him a chance. But it’s not really who men are. Men show love by doing things. Like providing for you, protecting you, etc. Most men don’t grow up watching a lot of romance movies the way a lot of women do. It gives women those false narrative that that’s how all men should be. But we’re not. You light have a handful. It’s taken me years to do some things like get her flowers or take her out. But I see it as like I said, I work. I take care of our food as far as groceries, pay the utilities, the house, the car, etc. She doesn’t work. Hasn’t worked for the last 12 years. That’s what works for us. Do you work yourself?
I live to travel. So when we do travel, maybe 4-6 times a year I try to make it the best week or two weeks however long we’re gone for. But when we’re back I work, a lot. I think too men never really ever get compliments in general. There’s some exceptions. I know women are going to say that’s not true in compliment my man all the time. But in general most men don’t so we don’t know what that feels like. Even than most men aren’t emotional so when you get a compliment vs a man it doesn’t have that same affect on us. The same w romance. He could pick you up a little flower from a field, prettiest flower and you’d remember that forever. If you did that for him he’d probably say something like cool, thank you then forget all about.
Im sure he’s changed over time. We all do. When you’re both dating you don’t have to devote all that time together. So it seems to be easier. But once you move in you’re it just taking care of yourself, you’re taking care of each other. Can you honestly say you haven’t changed in the things you do w out saying well I don’t do those things like I used to because he stopped doing x, y, and z?
As for him saying he loves you but doesn’t care if other men talk to you, that could be true. I think in his mind you two have been together for so long he knows you’re loyal. He doesn’t have to worry about you straying. But you on the other hand want him to sort of maybe be jealous a little cause you probably think by him doing that it shows that he still does have feelings for you. Which to me I think men are doomed if they do or don’t get jealous. If he gets jealous women will calling him insecure, controlling, etc. If he doesn’t get jealous then women will say he doesn’t care about you anymore.
The problem is that each sees things differently. There has to be a point to where you two can meet each other in the middle. It always seems as though society goes w what the women want. When in reality he may be totally fine how things are. He may indeed still love you. Those are his feelings. But in a lot of relationships men’s feelings are completely dismissed. We go w the women’s feelings, so your feelings trump his. Let’s say he was being 100% honest. Why are his feelings not valid but yours are?

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

It sounds like the spark has faded , the same thing happened to my wife and I , honestly I was you in the relationship and your husband is my wife In the relationship, My wife barely ever wanted intimacy and affection anymore after we had kids and all the responsibilities that came with it , she slowly started pushing me away anytime I came on to her , making every excuse in the book to not be close to me , when I wanted to do was be close to her , the relationship eventually turned one sided , basically her way or no way , anytime I tried talking to her about my feelings of concern , it would go in one ear out the other to the point I felt like I no longer mattered to her , So I finally put my foot down to her and told her I am not going to stay in a sexless relationship with a girl that only wants things her way , you either choose us or I am leaving this relationship, nothing changed after I put my foot down to her because she was still being her selfish self , so I separated from her and kicked her out of the house and told her to go live with her Mom. Because I am going to find someone better that actually wants to be close to me , she then left , and after a day she started begging for me back , but I kept telling her No fucking way , I gave you plenty of chances and you chose not to listen to me , even though I was hurt that our marriage turned out that way. I honestly felt a relief being away from her , I eventually met another girl and she treated me like gold , she didn’t hesitate to be in my arms and she always said positive things to me , complete opposite of my wife , things were going great with this other girl until her husband showed up on my doorstep and that was the end of that. My wife was still trying to get me back, and I didn’t want her back , shortly after all of that I lost my older brother and my mom 3 months apart from each other and my wife was by my side , so I gave her another chance and things were going great for a little while , until she decided to start being selfish again , making excuses again , so now she is living with me , but we are no longer sleeping together , she won’t leave be side she wants half of the money when I sell the home. We aren’t enemies but we both know we aren’t good for each other

SueShe · Accepted Answer

Sex and fornication is overrated and is not really a necessity in a relationship. People place way too much importance and emphasis on that detail.

However, closeness, a cuddle or even just a hug and the feeling that one is appreciated and needed is what is important in any relationship. If you fail to get this closeness, then there is no reason to stay together because emotional rejection is what kills any relationship.

It seems that you cannot even communicate with your partner. I would suggest that you prepare a list of issues you see within your couple and next to each problem, you give a solution that you think could be acceptable to both of you. Ask him to make a similar list, independent from yours and then you sit together and go over both lists and try to find a consensus.

If you fail to find common grounds, then it is time for you to consider separating. Good luck.

SweetPi · Accepted Answer

Sorry my cousin had this happen also. Long time love into just roommates. Maybe talk to him let him know you need snuggles or love. You miss it and maybe take his hand to your body.

My ex did this less then a few months into our relationship. It was so hard but I had to find love intimacy else where!

I found it online with a girlfriend I knew for a while. Gave me the strength to move on. Here is a big hug I hope you can either move on or find the strength to fight!

If you want to talk more privately we can.

Lurix · Answer

It sounds like you’re in a really tough spot, and it’s completely understandable to feel frustrated. After 12 years together, it’s natural to want that closeness and intimacy, and it’s hard when it feels like it’s slipping away. It must be disheartening to have him keep his distance at night and not show affection when you crave it.

It’s frustrating when you try to talk about how you feel, and he dismisses it or says it’s all in your head. That can make you feel even more alone in this. It’s great that he cuddled with you the other night, but it’s disappointing that it was short-lived and that you still don’t feel that connection regularly.

When he gets angry about discussing it, it can leave you feeling unheard and unappreciated. It’s really tough when you’re not getting the compliments or reassurance you need, especially when you’re trying to understand what’s going on.

It sounds like he says he loves you and that you’re all he needs, but you’re looking for more than just words—you want to feel that love through his actions. If he’s not open to talking about it or acknowledging your feelings, it might be worth considering what you need moving forward. Your feelings matter, and you deserve to feel connected and valued in your relationship. It might be helpful to find some support for yourself during this time, whether that’s talking to a friend or considering counseling. You’re not alone in this, and it’s okay to seek out the intimacy and affection you deserve.

Lliam · Answer

It sounds like he takes you for granted and assumes that you will stay with him no matter what.

He is behaving the way he wants to behave, without regard for your needs or feelings.

I doubt if there is any point in talking about it. You already tried and found out his tactics. He tried to make you feel abnormal, insecure and needy. He disregards what's "in your head" as if your feelings are invalid.

I think he is denial of his own sexual inadequacy/dysfunction and emotional deadness. He's in subsistence mode. He has given up.
I doubt if you can fix that.

Unfortunately, you have spent 12 years only to reach a dead end. But you don't have to life the rest of your life that way.

If I were you, I would let guys chat me up. Meet some guys. Have an affair. Try to find someone who thinks you are amazing and who brings you joy and fulfillment.
You are still young. You deserve to feel alive.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

This sounds like my old relationship. It seems like he isn't attracted to you anymore and he always makes you feel lonely. When I talked to my ex after we broke up he said he was treating me the way he was because he was depressed, stressed and was holding things against me since I wasn't pulling my weight enough in the relationship. He also told me he loved me and didn't want to break up but I dumped him because I couldn't stand to live with someone who constantly made me feel alone while I was in the same house. That is the worst feeling ever.

I would suggest trying couples counselling to get to the bottom of it because it isn't just that he is bored of you or something, most likely there is something more deeper that's wrong.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

It seems like your question should be changed away from "is it acceptable" and over to "is this the relationship I should want?" And the answer to that question is a resounding "no."

Because the fact you've been with this guy for 12 years tells us that this the person he is. He's not affectionate. He's a bit cold. He might be a little distant. And that's acceptable for him. The relationship he can naturally have is colder and more cerebral than one you need.

By contrast, the one that you need is one that speaks to a very feminine need to feel more wanted, cherished, and lusted after by the significant man in your life. You want to feel more spice than he can give you.

Clara4567 · Answer

Let's put the intimacy on the side for a sec.

I think that you lack of communication, or at least this is what I perceive from what you wrote.
I think that the only thing you shoud do is to talk seriously, he need to understand that you need a but of intimacy sometimes.
I understand he is tired but a relationship is made by two people so if you are interested un continuing it , you both should do things to maintain the relation.

So my advice is to talk with him, if he doesn't want to listen he doesn't care.
Explain to him why for you intimacy is important and tell him what you need.

MittParekh15 · Answer

Just give home the time, he seems to be streesed in life, as after 20s people are stuck in a rat race of making money and becoming financially free, raising kids etc

In this process people do love their family but fail to express it as they have other responsibility, so just make him more comfortable and make him feel that he is important

He will start to notice it and make him feel that what he is doing is good and we understand him

Then he will open a bit up

sadstrawberry · Answer

If it's been 12 years and you're still not married, leave him and fuck someone else gets married I guess.

paledreams · Answer

I think is why I stayed single - 😞 I never wanted to deal with my emotions or the emotions of another in some serious relationship lol 😆 sympathies to those who do though opt for the whole wedding bells or long term partner thing story angle - ah well. Sympathies though. 😎

Anonymous · Answer

Assuming he's not cheating, not fallen out of love, not mad at you. He may just have found his level. Maybe he just doesn't need the closeness and doesn't regard it as important.
Trouble is - you do. You're not wrong to feel alone. It's hurtful. But maybe you can't criticise him if he's doing what seems normal.
As regards, is it normal after 12 years? No, not for most couples. But you're not alone in this either.

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

If there is no intimacy, you aren't in a relationship, you're sharing a bed with your roommate.

jojouzumaki · Answer

He might have an issue which is hard for him to talk about. He is a man after all. Be patient and the answer will come.

SuchSightsToShowYou · Answer

How old is your partner? Is it possible that he's losing interest in sex? Not losing interest in sex with you, but in any kind of sex with anyone ever?

If that's what's happening, he might feel really embarrassed about it.

nawtee_me · Answer

see if this looks familiar.

Caroline91 · Answer

I glad you''re seeing the answer. When we truly love someone, we at least make an effort to speak their love language.

HungTexan · Answer

It sounds like he’s just not interested in anything but companionship (if that). . No intimacy. No sex. Sounds like a terrible relationship to me.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Some men only have so much in the tank and, sadly for you, this man is running dry.

Juxtapose · Answer

If he doesn't want to talk or even cuddle then yeah, it's kind of over.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Sounds like he might have male issues often associated with aging and might be in denial.

noohair · Answer

He might be suffering some sexual disfunction. That could explain a lot.

AgentG111 · Answer

He's done with you. He's shit down. Leave get out and be free!

Twalli · Answer

I couldn't deal with it if the intimacy of our relationship faded, even though we have less sex.

DextroShade · Answer

Tell him to get his testosterone levels checked.

In_Trance · Answer

So what are you going to do about it

Anonymous · Answer

Sounds like you're describing me

kaucky1 · Answer

Set urself free

Is this acceptable after 12 years together? Am I wrong to feel this way?

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Is this acceptable after 12 years together? Am I wrong to feel this way?

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After two years together my boyfriend and I are inseparable still, is this normal?

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