He said if I’m lucky I’ll meet his mum is this condescending?

[Anonymous]

So before we met he mentioned ‘youll get to meet my sister soon ❤️’ and he said the same about his mum. However when we were on our first date he drove near his mums house and said ‘if your lucky you’ll get to meet my mum’ and same about his sister.

I don’t know why but I just felt a bit weirded by it. We are very early dating so it wouldn’t matter to me if he didn’t mention his family at all. But to say stuff like ‘if you’re lucky’ I just didn’t like it.

Is he being condescending at all? Or I might just be too sensitive about it & taking things the wrong way I’m not sure.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh, yeah sis that "if you're lucky" comment he made definitely comes across as a bit condescending! Like he's implying meeting his family is some big privilege he may or may not bestow upon you. Not cool.

A few possible reasons he said it that way:

- He could have commitment issues and gets freaked out by the idea of introducing a girl too early on. So mentioning family is his way of subtly keeping distance.

- Potential that he's kinda full of himself and likes making you feel like you have to earn your way with him/his family. Like you should be grateful for any interaction. Red flag!

- Possible he's just awkward as communicating but it did not come across well at all. Still, you just started dating so tone is important.

I wouldn't stress it too much yet, but definitely keep an eye out to see if he continues with any rude or dismissive behaviors. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel comfortable and respected from the beginning. His attitude was lame, sis! Trust your instincts.

[Saramad_Hill]

I'm not sure if it was just a weird joke or if he was being serious or not, but it comes across as condescending, a bit.

I assume if you two dated and hit things off well, you'd meet his family eventually anyway. Whether or not you feel lucky from that is completely your own choice.

This would change if his Mom hands $1,000 to every girlfriend she meets-- I'd consider that lucky, for instance.

I'll consider it a "lame joke" for now, but maybe keep an eye on the things he says going forward. It sounds overconfident, almost cocky, but maybe I'm reading it wrong. The idea is you're both supposed to "feel lucky" to have each other if the dates go well, not just one person benefiting. He makes it sound like he's doing you a favor with that phrasing.

I'm not going to call it an 'ick,' for the moment, just go along with a grain of salt for now. If he says more weird things in the future, it would only be worse in a committed relationship.

• Lame joke-- needs to work on phrasing things better
• Condescending-- genuinely believes you'd be lucky to stick with him that long

These are two possible options.

[Saramad_Hill]

Also seems very hung-up on you meeting the fam. Like, damn, you both need to be figuring out if you even like each other before thinking 10 steps ahead

[Asker]

Yeah it’s not nice to be honest 🤷🏽‍♀️ on one of our first conversations he asked me about my family and said I need to know about them if I’m meeting them. I thought ‘wow a bit soon?’

Also on text he was being overly nice about it like making it certain then in person he was like ‘if your lucky’ it’s quite condescending I feel.

I totally agree, sounds like he’s doing me a favour by saying that. Sorry when you mentioned ‘Condescending-- genuinely believes you'd be lucky to stick with him that long’ do you think he thinks he can do better than me?

It’s strange cos he’s said stuff like I’m his dream woman and he’s complimented me. But then says stuff like this. I’ve been straight up and said I like his looks and personality. I never made him feel like I’m better or anything. Wouldn’t even think I am anyway.

I agree we both need to be focusing on each other than thinking about families yet it’s just insane makes no sense to me.

[Saramad_Hill]

I am in a bit of a rush IRL, so I will return with my thoughts in several hours while I am busy with work. For the moment, try to relax while you sort through your feelings. Humans are rarely "all good" or "all bad," we have flaws and figuring out which ones are unacceptable to us and which ones we can work with is part of socializing. I'll speak more to your question later. I am sorry.

[Asker]

No problem at all thank you so much. I agree it’s not all black and white which is how I tend to see things.

We all have our positives and negatives which is what makes us. He said to me he thinks im really kind as I said I wouldn’t tell anyone if I didn’t find them attractive on a date. I said that’s not being kind that’s just to not hurt the persons feelings. He said he’d be straight up about it.

I hope you enjoy your time at work.

[Saramad_Hill]

Responding to first comment:

He seems really hung up on you meeting his family, and potentially him meeting yours. As fast as possible. I'm not sure the reason for this, maybe he thinks it's cute, maybe he thinks it proves he's serious about you... maybe it's a subtle tactic to entwine himself in your life and make it harder for you to split with him when your families are involved somehow, who knows. All I can say for certain is that he is indeed putting the carriage in front of the horse by trying to make something like that happen. Meeting 'the fam' should be done later, after a few dates, and when you two decide to officially go exclusive with each other.

There is no way I can find a way to make "if you're lucky" not sound lame. I'm sorry you had to listen to that bit. While I understand someone having a little confidence, this seems overzealous, as if he is somehow doing you a favor. If he meant it in a more sincere manner, his wording was horrid for it. Wording is crucial in texts, and somewhat in speech as well.

Do I think he thinks he can do better than you? I don't know. If we assume that he was indeed being genuine about thinking he's doing you a favor by letting you be so special as to meet his family, then yes, I'd surmise something along that line of thought. Maybe he thought "girls like cocky bad boys" or something. I cannot say for certain.

To be continued

[Saramad_Hill]

Saying you're his dream woman but also saying things that shadow him in a higher position than you seems really contradictory, almost enough to make you stumble and wonder "what the hell does this guy really think of me?"

Maybe it's another technique. Not quite love-bombing, but hit them with the compliment-insult approach... as if that's supposed to accomplish something, keep you on your toes and trick you into really believing that you *are* lucky to have him.

It's okay to compliment someone's looks and personality, but light insulting or jabs need a bit of back-story or history between you two. Like... It's okay to poke fun at someone, but only if you know how they'll react. Long-time friends are best at knowing what buttons are able to be pushed without hurting feelings or disregarding consent.

[Saramad_Hill]

Second comment:

Thanks. I used a break to answer you, I am still at work.
I really don't know what to think of your date. He is definitely saying some weird stuff, but since I don't really know either of you on a personal level, I'll just encourage you to follow how he makes you feel on the inside. After all, we date to be happy and to make others happy in turn. If one of you is feeling "confused" about something, that means it's time for a civil, mature conversation about it. Assuming you want to salvage it, of course. No one's forcing you to make things work with him, and at the end of the day, it's still up to you to figure out what's too much effort and if he's willing to communicate with you and get you both back on the same page. Dating someone sucks when you cannot feel like you at least click in a satisfactory manner, and have clashing ideas of what's okay to do and what isn't.

[Asker]

Yeah he’s mentioned his family a few times. Yeah I understand what you’re saying thank you. I just wasn’t sure if he was saying it for the sake of things. Like to show he's serious if that makes sense?

Yeah when he said ‘if you’re lucky’ I cringed a bit and was also offended however I tried not to overthink it.

Yeah so he has mentioned over text before ‘you should be happy I’m talking to you I don’t make this effort with anyone’ and he also said something a long the lines of ‘what have I done to have the honor of talking to a gorgeous girl like you’ but then again it’s mixed signals I find.

[Asker]

Yeah I really do feel he keeps complimenting but then saying stuff which makes him look higher. I keep thinking maybe he doesn’t know how to deal with me? I don’t know I do have a strong personality & takes me longer to show my interest

Yeah I agree it could be the compliment-insult approach. As love bombing is a bit too obvious. I agree we don’t really know each other long enough for the insults etc. thank you so much for your responses they have been so helpful.

I agree I think it’s just thinking things through and maybe at some point communicating it with him too and seeing what he says

[Saramad_Hill]

Well, these things aren't always so cut & dry. I hope you're able to figure out a solution that works best. There isn't much more that I can say on the subject, so if you have any more questions dump them here or message me in the future. Otherwise, I hope you have a nice day, take care.

[Asker]

Thank you I appreciate it :)

[Asker]

I hope you also have a good day take care of yourself

[Nikki1989]

He sounds like a real ass. Red Flags!

[Asker]

Really do you think he thinks he’s too good for me or something?

[chilldude33]

sounds like he is bantering and you are being stiff

[Asker]

Thank you possibly