I'm the friend in this situation and he's never mentioned he has a girlfriend to me. He once told me "I've never done (this and that) to women I've been in love with before but the right one might get me to" so I assumed he was single. I enjoy his company and we've been texting a lot. He flirts occasionally but he never crossed a boundary. Like he calls me "cute" every now and then and tells me he misses me or that I've been on his mind, and sometimes we have a virtual movie night together. And when he goes MIA for a while, he reaches out apologizing and justifying his absence. But now that I've learned that he's taking, I'm questioning where I stand in his life. I don’t want to confront him about it because maybe I'm the one who was misreading things. Maybe that's his way of being friendly. That's why I'm asking you, guys: Would you still text a girl as a friend even if you had a girlfriend? I never met him in person, we text online, but he has a girlfriend in real life.
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This is a bit of a clarification. We met on a Discord server, and his girlfriend is the owner of that server, most of the members are girls and we often have discussions or joke around, and very recently she openly addressed him as her boyfriend and that’s how I found out. And no, he's not friends with other girls (he doesn't DM them) so I think he's being genuine with me, especially when he spends a lot of his time with me engaging in deep conversations and share things.
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1 y
So I was talking to his girlfriend as a regular participant member of the server and she's really friendly. She talks about her boyfriend a lot but without identifying him. She's really sweet. Recently we were talking about dating apps and she mentioned that she met him online and haven't met yet. Also, he went MIA for 2 weeks (mental health issues maybe?)
Would you still text a girl-friend if you had a girlfriend?
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It is quite possible that what I call ersatz relationships develop. Sometimes my girlfriend's single girlfriends have started treating me as an ersatz boyfriend. Asking my advice and help at times and reporting back on what they did etc etc.
It has been clearly been more than friendship with a note of relationship but without sexual activity. When they got a real boyfriend it dropped back to more more friendship tones immediately.
Perhaps this guy's girlfriend is not giving as much attention and love as he would like and he is getting some from you.
He is certainly getting something rewarding to him from you, we can be sure of saying. The question is whether you are happy with the way things are. You yourself are probably getting something from this and it may inhibit you developing a genuine relationship.
In direct answer I would still text a girl friend with a girlfriend but I would not inject any emotional aspects into it as that would be emotional cheating.
This is absolutely past the line of what I'd do with a girl-friend unless its very clear what we are before or we have long history or such.
It basically mimics early phase dating. If he had said he had a partner from the start? Fair enough. I know a few guys who are like this.
If it only came up later? It does not matter if you maybe misunderstood. Just because it was not explicitly stated does not mean he lacks a brain. Flirting and movie nights is obviously past the line of just friends.
Look. He could see you as a sister. But for my money, you were his emotional side-piece! The nerve. Kick him where it hurts, figuratively - for legal reasons.
Yes but with boundaries. Although not really any boundaries I don't already have. That specific female friend I have no romantic interest in whatsoever but she is one of my best friends. My girlfriend would know this, and i'd obviously keep her up to date on what we talk about since most of it ill be able to share, and if its one of those scenarios where its to personal to share because my friend confided in me I can still give a general explanation that I was helping her trough something.
Just like my girl may have a male friend she's not interested in I'd expect mutual trust.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
1 y
Calling you cute is passing a boundary if he’s involved w someone. That how men befriend women they want to sleep w. I’d walk on the other direction. I don’t think you’d like it if you two were an item but he was doing this behind your back. You have to think of the other girl in his life. I’m not saying she’s the best, I don’t know their situation. But if he’s not happy w her he needs to get out of that relationship first. I don’t know of a single man, not single as in the sense of not dating, but men in general as far as men having virtual movie night in the way you speak. All one has to do is imagine if your sister or a loved one came to you w that same scenario. What would you tell them? What would you tell yourself if you were the girl he was w? In answer to your question yes I’ve texted other women, w in my boundaries. Nothing like what you speak of.
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Asker
1 y
Do you suggest I confront him about it? I really liked him and how he opened up to me, so detaching myself from him is going to be harsh for him.
You could. But he may just pretend after sometime that he dumped his girl so he could get w you. It’s a difficult decision. You don’t have to be harsh about it just be up front. That’s the issue w n women, rather than be straight forward w men the way men are usual alone tech other, you’re concerned about hurting his feelings. But you’re not concerned about the feelings of others he’s hurting or will hurt later down the road if you two mess around.
He calls me "cute" every now and then He tells me he misses me He tells me that I've been on his mind
"maybe I'm the one who was misreading things"
Maybe not?
Clearly not in fact. That's three major signals sent to you, all of them converge to say that he is in love with you, there is not the slightest chance of misreading anything here. So, no, you're not a friend here, not in his eyes. You're a lover. As a result, you both have... A new problem to solve.
Yes, with my girlfriends’ consent, and not doing it behind her back , if he is going behind his girlfriends’ back to talk to you and keeping it a secret from her , then he truly doesn’t care about his girlfriends’ feelings and only cares about himself. Even though he isn’t physically cheat on his girlfriend but he is emotionally cheating on his girlfriend if he is flirting with you behind her back. My advice to you is just be his friend and nothing more , unless you want to end up with a guy that will eventually do that to you behind your back
Wait... They are boyfriend and girlfriend and they haven't met yet? Have you met him yet or is it also virtual?
In a "normal" relationship where people actually have physically met, any type of behavior with the other sex that can be considered flirting such as "cute" comments with the other person present is disrespectful and lacks boundaries... then it's downhill from there to a lack of respect to cheating.
Stop trying to justify his behavior because you like him. His character speaks volumes.
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Asker
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Apparently either of us are talking to him virtually
That depends. If my girlfriend knew I was texting with her and was okay with it and yes I would still keep that communication going as a friend.
But the problem here is that there is a fine line between friend and girlfriend. Friend is like when you light a match, and girlfriend is like when you light a blowtorch. Even a little flame can turn into a wildfire at any time. So unless he is mature enough to manage the relationship with you without provoking the wildfire then no I don't think it is appropriate for him to be texting with you.
I don't have communications with married women. It's just a rule that I have. I mean of course I will be with them socially if we're in public and an event or a party or something like that but I don't have private communication with them.
Would that extend to a woman who had a boyfriend but wasn't married? Not sure, each case is different.
PS the fact that you never met him in person means that you don't really know him. It's a fantasy relationship, so be careful not to develop feelings because that could end very badly for you.
Ok so here is what he is doing. Setting you up as backup if the girlfriend doesn’t work out. If things work out between him and the real girlfriend he might keep you as a side piece. A lot of guys do that. Maybe, Best case scenario…. He is shopping around and he wants to see who would make the best girlfriend and you are in the running. That’s my thoughts and I’m sticking with it.
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Asker
1 y
Do you think I should confront him about it or just keep texting him while keeping some distance?
My opinion is this… she is a girlfriend not a wife. If you are enjoying yourself then continue on, if not then stop. It’s important that you know the score, you know the players and you know where you fit in. Nothing might come from this relationship or maybe everything. You never know in life…. Just don’t get hurt
No, I wouldn't. Not unless there was some platonic purpose to contact her. Why put myself in a situation where I could risk creating a problem in my relationship to talk with someone I don't actually need to talk to? Too much of a headache for too little reward.
Ehhh that seems to be crossing the line. I'm 37 and have had some girl friends for over 10-15 years. We don't chat like that. It's just innocent and wholesome friendship stuff. We share what's new in our lives and ask for advice. Out of respect for his girlfriend, he should learn to set some boundaries or cut communication with you.
No. I wouldn't waste time trying to talk to a woman outside of my relationship. That would mean I want to move on from the current relationship. I am an all or nothing type guy. If I'm over my girlfriend I would dump her and move on.
If the ex and I were still good friends, but only texts that I wouldn't care if my new girlfriend saw them. And I would tell the new girlfriend that I was doing it. If she got angry, then it would have to cease
If I was you or you was my sister. Dump him now and report site. He is a groomer and very good groomer. He is like Ghislaine Maxwell and his girlfriend is Like Epstien. Get out and report to police now with out delay.
Once you mention a site and full of girls. That is a madam and she is one of her groomers. Get out and call police. Do you have a daughter? Or kids? If so, that is what they are after too. Get you hooked on drugs and sell you for sex. I know too many single mum's and women start whoring that way.
All places in this world have these things going on. FACT. It is clear why he is able to control you. It is clear your love and judgment needs looking at. Have you done a Google check or a police check. No! He is a GROOMER not your boyfriend
You do know that this is a bad situation and it won't end well for you right. It's like you standing on the track and the train is sleeping towards you but you won't get off the tracks.
I would text my girl-friend if I had something that was of her interest, but I will also surely tell about it to my girlfriend when she will ask me how my day was; it's not like I'm going to hide it.
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