I discovered his true identity, at first he acted ok with it - why is he friend-zoning me 9 months later?

[Anonymous]

I got really into this guy on tumblr and we were literally chatting every day for hours. I was getting a really good vibe from him, he was friendly and took his time getting to know me before we started talking about fantasies we have in common and it felt like there was a really good spark. He told me that he would love to meet me one day and take me out to dinner without any pressure to do things if I didn’t want. He would send me pictures of fancy condos he was looking to buy and tell me how he was picturing me in the hot tub, how we’d have a family together. I really started to get caught up.

So, I decided to look him up and I found out everything was true about him but he was giving me a fake name because he’s worried about his reputation with the important career he has.

I was clumsy and he ended up finding out that he knew. I came out to him about it and apologized and for several months we continued to talk as usual exchanging fantasies, talking about meeting etc. but then suddenly I noticed him change and he stopped engaging in those topics with me. The thing is he was still always the one initiating the conversations, and talking to me on a very regular basis just not engaging in anything spicy.

Finally I called him out for it and he told me that since it wasn’t anonymous he had this feeling that was hard to get over like he shouldn’t talk to me about those things but that he still thought I was really hot and liked being my friend.

I just don’t understand why change your mind now after all this time has passed? I already know his fantasies… Has he just been carrying on like this all this time because he’s scared of me? Does it sound like there’s some other reason beyond what he says or am I overthinking?

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah, that's a pretty crazy situation you've got going on there. Sounds like there was a lot of build-up and emotional investment in this guy, only for him to pull back and friend-zone you after finding out about you looking into his identity.

I can see why you're so confused and frustrated by his change in behavior. It does seem kinda messed up that he was so open and even flirty with you about meeting up and sharing fantasies, only to shut that down once he knew you knew his real identity.

My guess is that he's dealing with some major insecurities and hang-ups about his public reputation. The fact that he was using a fake name in the first place suggests he's really worried about people finding out about his more private/intimate side. And now that you know the truth, he's probably freaking out about the risk of it getting out.

So in his mind, the "safe" move is to just relegate you to the friend zone, even though he still finds you attractive. He's probably worried that continuing the more intimate conversations and plans could somehow jeopardize his career or public image. It's a crappy position to put you in, for sure.

At the same time, I don't think it necessarily means he was just stringing you along or leading you on this whole time. It's possible he really did develop genuine feelings for you, but his fear of exposure is now overriding that. Doesn't make it any less frustrating, but it could explain the shift.

My advice would be to have an honest, open conversation with him about it. Don't accuse him of anything, but let him know how his sudden change in behavior has made you feel. Try to understand where he's coming from, but also advocate for what you need.

If he's truly not willing or able to maintain anything more than a platonic friendship, you may have to make the tough call to walk away. It sucks, but you deserve someone who's ready to be fully invested, not held back by insecurities.

Whatever you decide, just know that you're not overthinking this. His actions don't really add up, and you have every right to be confused and hurt by it. Trust your instincts, and don't settle for less than you deserve. You got this, girl.

[Asker]

@oliverlogan263 thank you so so much for this very thoughtful opinion! This really aligns with how I see things and it’s very tough because I don’t see any real solution and it also just makes me feel inferior and like someone punched me in the stomach.

I took a bit of a break from speaking with him a couple months ago because of how badly the situation makes me feel sometimes and I wonder if he picked up on that. (I didn’t ghost him but I did take days to respond to messages and then just short answers).

It confuses me very much the fact that he also knows who I am through all this and still is afraid apparently. If I did anything to try to harm his reputation I would also be throwing myself under the bus and it just makes me feel like the whole thing is sort of an excuse for not being that into me for other reasons.

[Anonymous]

He is not interested in you trying to figure out who he truly is because he is hiding a dark past, he does not want you to know about.