Great Connection With a Guy Who Says He Couldn’t Be a Step Dad?

[Anonymous]

So I’ve been talking to this guy for a little while now, we haven’t met in person since we live a whole state away from each other, but our connection is undeniable. I’ve grown to really like him, and it seems like he really likes me too. Unfortunately, I don’t see it going anywhere past flirting and deep conversation because well, I’m a single mom with 3 kids, and he has nonchalantly mentioned before that he doesn’t think he could handle being a step dad. I know I shouldn’t let my heart get too attached, but once you catch feelings for someone it’s hard to stop them from overflowing. It’s just weird to me that he’s made it clear he likes me, but also says he couldn’t be a step dad in such an indirect way, almost like he’s subtly trying to let me know a relationship could never happen between us. Why would he do that? It just sucks because I really do like him. I know it will take a very special person to understand that if you want me, my kids are part of the package deal. Any advice or insight would be helpful!

[SteveSmith1985]

I think I can give you some advice here:

So, first of all... I think that any guy who gets involved with a woman with kids knows very well that you and your kids are a package deal. It would be insane if he thought otherwise.

So, the fact that you two seem to have a great connection, and things seem to be progressing towards you two becoming a couple... AND the fact that he knows you've got kids (I'm assuming)... suggests that he is not coming from a mindset of "I don't think I could handle being a step dad"

He knows you've got kids. If he seems to still be moving things forward... I think that's more significant than is casual comment.

What exactly was the context of his comment about not being able to handle being a step-dad? That's very important.

Was it in reference to the idea of becoming a step-dad to YOUR kids sometime in the futue? Was it said after mentioning how his buddy has a 15-year-old stepdaughter who is causing him all kinds of stress? Was it said in an offhand way as a general statement randomly? That matters.

So, now I'm going to talk about how "guys" would think a certain way and women would think in their own way. I'm making huge generalizations. Keep that in mind. Not every guy is going to conform to "thinking like a guy" (as I'm going to characterize it). Same goes for women. But... there are differences in the way the two sexes sometimes think in different ways.

I do not think that he was trying to subtly tell you that a relationship could never happen between you. Guys just wouldn't operate that way. If he was trying to tell you that a relationship was impossible because you've got kids... he would either bring it up in a non-casual way. Letting you know that... since you've got kids... this isn't going to work.

Or (if he's a selfish asshole...)

A guy would make sure NOT to let you know that he doesn't ever want to be a stepdad. He might be thinking along the lines of "well let's see if this thing between us actually go somewhere. I'll deal with the kids problem when I have to. We could still date for a few months without her expecting me to take-on the role of step-dad.

THAT is how I would expect a guy to think/act.

A subtle hint that he hoped you would pick-up-on to express something like not wanting a relationship because you've got kids... while continuing things between you two? Hell no. I cannot imagine any guy doing that. It's just not the way a guy would attempt to navigate this situation.

The Subtle-hind theory is certainly the way women might think.

(and that's probably why you thought this might be what he was trying to do. Because as a woman... that would make sense to you)

If I had to guess (and it's just a guess) I would bet that his comment really wasn't a though-through statement of his actual true feelings.

I've had this happen to me MULTIPLE times. Luckily it wasn't ever anything important like your situation.

But I've definitely been taken-aback when a girlfriend reminds me of something I've said in the past off-handedly. It's just something I said. I didn't really mean it seriously... and I didn't imagine she had taken so seriously.

Let's take a hypothetical example: Imagine I said:

"I fucking hate rich people. They're always looking down their noses at regular people. They act like they've done something special when all rich people only got rich by exploiting poor people. What kind of person would want to even become wealthy? Shitty people, that's who. I don't know if you can even become rich without being a shitty person"

So, this is totally something I might actually say casually and offhandedly.

Now, let's say that 6 months later, I find out that my new girlfriend has been really stressed out about introducing me to her parents, because... her father's actually done quite well in the stock market, and her parents are wealthy.

So my reaction would be "oh my god, why would you think I wouldn't like your parents? Where did you even get that idea?

She would reply..."well my parents are rich"

My reply would be a confused stare... and evenually I might ask..."ok... so they're rich. why would you think that I'd have a problem with that"?

My girlfriend then reminds me of that thing I said offhandedly.

My reaction is a surprised "OHHHHHHH... hmmm... right... ok, well... shit."

THAT is the kind of thing I've had happen multiple times.

My offhanded anti-rich people comment is not actually my position on wealthy people. It isn't how I see all rich people. I also forgot I ever said that. And certainly never imagined my girlfriend would possibly take it so seriously as to be afraid to introduce me to her parents.

I now feel terrible, because this misunderstanding was 100% my fault. Not hers.

I can't blame my girlfriend. I made some very clear and definite statements about my feelings about wealthy people. I made my position clear and my girlfriend... simply listened to what I said, and assumed I really meant it.

So... I think right now, you're the girlfriend afraid to introduce her parents to her boyfriend. You heard what this guy said. And you took it at face-value as being his actual position. (again... nobody can fault you for that)

It's very possible

It's just something he said, and forgot he ever said. I would bet that he has no idea that you're sitting there super-stressed out because of an off-hand casual comment he didn't expect you to take for the serious statement. Depending on the context, I can even see a guy making this comment offhand WITHOUT EVEN THINKING about what that little comment might mean for you and what it might make you think.

I think overall that you're probably worried for nothing. I would bet he doesn't even remember his comment, and has no idea that it's having this huge impact on your thinking.

Practical Advice

I so often find my advice on here comes down to "you need to have an open and honest conversation. Put all your cards on the table, and the other person will do the same. If you are "open and honest" in almost every case, the other person will be willing to be equally open and honest.

What you need to do , is ask him about this. Ask him directly and clearly. Don't worry about what he might think if you're open and honest. Just honestly tell him how you feel about him. Tell him why you're worried. (when he seems confused) Remind him of his comment, tell him straight-up that you were thinking he might be trying to tell you a relationship wasn't going to happen.

In return I can guarantee you that he: WILL tell you honestly how he feels about you. He will tell you whether or not he meant his comment.

You will come away with no more questions. No more wondering or worrying. You will have a fairly firm idea of where things stand between the two of you, and whether or not you're both on the same page in terms of moving forward.

Or, worst case scenario... he says..."yea... I really never would want to be a stepdad.'

That would suck... but at least you would know. You could (and probably should) end things with him before you become more attached to somebody you know won't work long-term.

But seriously. You need to ask him. All my speculation is nothing compared to just asking him and listening to his answer. He won't lie to you, if you put your cards on the table FIRST. By that I mean be the first person to make yourself vulnerable. Be the first one to take the emotional risk. If you do... he'll be willing to be vulnerable and honest too.

That can be as simple as starting off by saying something like "I know we haven't been talking for very long, but I really like you a lot even after such a short time" (assuming that explicitly saying that your developing strong feelings be taking an emotional risk... it's not a risk if you've already said something to that effect)

Telling someone that you like are developing some real feelings rather quickly... WILL get them to put their guard down as well. So... If he's got really strong feelings for you too, then he WILL say so. And before you know it... you're having an "open and honest conversation" and once you start... those conversations are easy to keep going.

You need to ask him. That's the only way for you to get an actual real answer about what kind of future may (or may not) be possible for the two of you moving forward.

Don't be a chicken. Have the conversation that'll sweep away ALLL the stress, questions and uncertainty. You'll know exactly what's up... if you have that open and honest conversation.

I do hope things work-out for you. Best of luck 🙂

[Asker]

First of all, I genuinely appreciate your thought out response!! You are right, I should just ask him. There’s a downside though, as much as I know he likes me, he’s made no indication that he’s ready for that kind of a commitment. He has mentioned before he’s ready to settle down, but that doesn’t mean with me. I’m not necessarily afraid to have that conversation with him, but my thing is I just don’t want to come off too strong so early into the talking stage, especially since I don’t think he’s ready for the kind of responsibility I would bring to his life.

With that being said, the step dad comment came from me telling him about my own story of being raised by a step dad. Except, my Dad was never a step dad to me, he was my father who raised me since I was a baby so I never knew any different, and my Dad never made me feel like I wasn’t his. After I told him that, he basically told me that’s a lot to live up to by his comment saying he doesn’t think he could handle being a step dad especially if the kids were already older. He told me he feels like there would always be some bias of the child not being his. In my mind he made his intentions pretty clear that we would never be a real possibility, but the hopeless romantic in me doesn’t want to give up hope. Honestly, I think I already know we would never work, but it’s hard to convince my heart of that.

[SteveSmith1985]

I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I missed/overlooked (or forgot to remember in focusing on the step-kids angle of the problem) I would have saved myself a lot of writing, and you a lot of reading if I hadn't missed it.

Now, the one piece I wasn't keeping in mind (when I wrote my reply before) was that this was a long-distance thing. I understood that you hadn't met yet, but pictured... more two people who met on a dating app chatting a while before meeting for a date.

It's possible that you two have been talking longer than I thought? How long anyway?

Also, that makes the stakes very different.

I would imagine that you're not looking for a longer term long-distance relationship? (or maybe you do. I'm writing this assuming you don't. Please correct me if I'm wrong)

[SteveSmith1985]

I would assume that you're thinking... in an ideal world, if you continued talking... that you would meet in person at some point in the very near future (lets say within the next year and a half)?

I guess what I mean is... you two are talking... but since you've got 3 kids you're probably not looking to uproot and move to the next state to join the guy you've been talking to online. Therefore, best case scenario you would need him to move to your state in the near future.

Am I right about that?

So while I was going on and on about the step kids comment... I missed the fact that... for this to work it's not just the step kids hurdle; it's two problems which compound one another other.

The only way I could see it possibly working between you and a guy from a state over would be if:

He were somebody who BOTH was very enthusiastic about the prospect of potentially having step kids (so that you know he's on board with that part right away)...

AND ALSO is willing to uproot his life and become a stepdad. And he would have to be willing to decide he was willing to do that very very very soon (otherwise it's not worth it for you to waste your time on the hopes that maybe he'll come around to it) .

He would need to have a job where he could easily ask for a transfer or knew finding work would be easy..

[SteveSmith1985]

You need a guy who is like "Stepkids, would be no problem" and "you know, I actually always wanted to move to the *wherever you live** branch and was thinking of getting my own place in your city anyway next year."

That is literally the only way you and a guy from another state could possible work.
(that I can see. I'm doing this figuring on the fly. But to me, this is the only scenario it would make sense for it to be worth it for both of you to continue talking to the other. Again, totally might be wrong. Let me know if I'm missing something in my figuring)

So what that amounts to (it seems to me, as I consider your situation) is that for things to work between you and a guy from another state... would be if both of you hit this online relationship with HUGE whirlwind intensity. The kind where it... could be love burning brighter than the sun right from the get-go... or it could be some really unhealthy shit.

You would basically have to already be talking about timelines for him moving to your city (even though it might be a year and a half away... you would both need to be 100% sure... that you two WERE going to be together. In your city. Within an agreed upon window of time... like within... an unhealthily short time.

[SteveSmith1985]

The only way it could work, in other words is if you were able to tell your friends:

"I know this sounds crazy, but I've only been talking to this guy for a few weeks (or whatever) and we both already know we're soulmates. He's already agreed that it makes sense to move here in a year and a half, and he's already lining up a transfer to the branch in my city (or is lining up work in his field, or works in an industry where finding a job in your city will be no problem. He said he doesn't mind making the move before seeing how my kids even get along with him. (and it would mean he would be... stranded in a strange city if somehow we didn't work out. He's as positive that I am that we're soulmates. He's agreed that if we breakup, he'll move out.
(or maybe he has to get his own place in your city before moving in with you. That would be wise on your part... but... a much more expensive 'ask' than if he moved in with you when he got to your city)

So you see... it wouldn't be worth it (for either of you) to continue talking UNLESS you were both in white-hot-burning-love. AND if he were 100% down ;100% able to move to your city in a very short time. He would have to be reckless in a blind faith that this WILL work out. He is willing to bet on it: Uprooting his life and moving to a new city, to immediately take on the role of stepdad-----or to get his own place for a while, and step into the role slowly.

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm sorry.

I wanted this to work, because I want things to work out for you. You're a hopeless romantic. I am as well.

I can only image how difficult it must be to find someone who is comfortable with the idea of dating a woman who has 3 kids AND is a guy you like a lot. it's hard enough to find a guy you like a lot.

So when I saw that you clearly liked this guy... and... he knew you had kids. I wanted to make sure that you were sure that ne wasn't looking to be a step-dad.

I'm sorry, but... it just can't work.

I think the reason he made the comment, is to let you know that he wasn;t making plans to move to you anytime soon... for all the reasons outlined above.

He was trying to not lead you on. The whole comment thing makes perfect sense now (to me).

It also makes perfect sense that he was very clear... but still... not totally clear (A guy would convey this clearly if he communicated it at all)
He didn't say it clearly... because for him to have done so, would have made him seem like a presumptuous asshole.

If he were to be any more clear (and he really really was saying it multiple ways to make sure you didn't miss it)

He was trying to make it very very clear that: "You know that this 'relationship-talking' is not going to lead to me becoming a stepdad to your kids."

[SteveSmith1985]

Fuck me. I accidentally started replying the rest underneath that other dude's comments. So there's lots more. Just look under the other guys comments.

[Cormac995]

He's trying to let you down gently. Honestly, I don't blame him. One kid a big responsibility, It's even bigger when it's not your kid and then you add the fact there are three in the mix and I think dating is going to be really hard for you. Even guys who are interested and willing to deal with kids are going to think about how much providing for three will cost and walk. I wish you luck nobody should have to be alone, but you have a lot going on in your life right now and most men are just not going to be able to handle that much responsibility on top of everything else in their life.

[SteveSmith1985]

Any clearer and it would have been exactly like saying to you "you're wasting your time talking to me. You're wasting your time if you're looking for somebody to be the eventual stepdad for your kids" (again, for outlined above reasons.) And that would be presumptuous in it's bluntness, rude, AND... he liked talking to you. So he made it clear without doing it rudely. (he gets an A+ for his social skills)

So I understand this all now (I mean this fits into my understanding of how/why guys might behave the way they do in particular situations.)

He likes talking to you but wants to make very very sure, that you don't have any false hopes about where this is REALISTICALALY going to go. That as much as he likes talking to you, he's not planning to move to the next state anytime soon.

He was making sure that if you continued talking to him: you did so understanding full well that this wasn't realistically going anywhere.

But... I can't blame him for continuing to talk to you. From his perspective: He has let you know that things will not work out. He repeated it several ways to make sure you understood.

But... he's probably surprised that YOU want to keep talking... even though he keeps reminding you "you're wasting your time talking to me, you know that right?"

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm afraid (and I just figured this out now because of your situation) that because you have kids and you're looking for something serious, you cannot find a guy who is too far from you geographically. It has to be close enough that nobody is forced to overcommit themselves

**that's EXACTLY what the problem is with long-distance with kids. It requires you BOTH be (unhealthily) overcommit way too early. Otherwise it's not worth it to continue on the hope that somehow you'll make it work.***

I'm sorry. I hope you find a the right guy. This guy, unfortunately is not that guy. You need to stick to looking local. That seems to be the practical reality.

(again, I couldn't have told you that before you helped me just figure it out. Maybe there's something I'm missing here. Don't think this is some rule that people know. But I think it's correct.) .

And by all means keep talking to this guy, if you enjoy doing so. But he has told you (his comments) that this isn't going to work, so you'd both just continue talking because it's enjoyable... but knowing ultimately he'll never become the step-dad to your kids. In fact, he already thinks you're talking under those conditions. That's why he keeps talking to you.

Because in his mind, he has already told you: therefore if you choose to continue talking to him... that';s your choice (he's totally happy about it... but possibly also confused as to why YOU are continuing to want to talk).

He has given so many clear hints just in case you didn't understand that this wasn't actually going to work. Again, that's the sign of a good guy. He's trying to do the right thing.

[SteveSmith1985]

There isn't really much of a open and honest conversation left to have. He was telling you it wasn't going to work. He sounds like a good guy. I see nothing but him trying to do the right thing (be clear to you so as not to lead you on in any way).

I'm sorry but this just isn't that 'right guy' you're looking for. (for geographical and practical reasons compounding the challenges of dating with 3 kids. It's the combination of the two compounding that make long distance for you impossible.

Don't lose your hope. Stay hopelessly romantic.

(I have been away from GAG for a couple of years and they updated everything. They didn't up the word-limit for replies. Screw you GAG word limits, I will never respect you.)

Hang in there 🙂

[SteveSmith1985]

******Dude. My apologies. I had to cut-and paste to write to the OP, and part of what I wrote to her, I put under the wrong reply. The GAG update (sometime over the last 2 years) is terrible. I've never done that before. Bet you're pretty confused. I'm just an idiot. Sorry dude*****

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's trying to be honest but also doesn't want to directly reject you, creating a confusing mixed message. He likely enjoys your connection but is struggling with the reality of your family situation, attempting to subtly communicate his limitations without a harsh confrontation. Unfortunately, his indirectness is causing you pain and confusion, highlighting a fundamental incompatibility for a long-term relationship. It's best to acknowledge his statement as a clear boundary and protect your heart by moving forward, focusing on finding someone who embraces your children as part of your life.

[Ariesman81]

He's being honest. Nicely saying he doesn't want to raise another man's kids. Enjoy the relationship as it is or find someone else.