Interaction with the man I like, does he feel the same way?

[Anonymous]

I have known this man for a while now, he is 50 and I’m 30. He started out as more of a “mentor” to me but we’ve kept in touch past that and have developed a friendship. I just moved back into town and I reached out to him to get coffee and catch up, to which he agreed. When we met, he reached out his hand to shake mine and we both turned that into a hug. He chose a table so the “sun wouldn’t be in my eyes” and we started to catch up and talk about traveling, school, sports, etc. There were a lot of “awkward silences” on his end where I felt like he didn’t know what to say, so I carried the conversation for the most part. He talked about his family, where he lives now, his travel plans, etc, things that I feel like he wouldn’t tell to just anyone. When the interaction ended, he told me to “keep in touch” and send him a picture of me wherever I travel. We keep in touch on LinkedIn, but I’m not sure if I should give him my number to keep in touch going forward?

[SteveSmith1985]

Hmm... usually I'm pretty good at answering these types of questions. Usually there are definite things I can pick out that show me it's likely that a guy is showing signs he's interested in a girl.

This one though... doesn't have anything for me to grab onto. That doesn't mean much.

YOU know better than anyone the nature of those silences, the unspoken tension which was (or wasn't) present during your interaction.

I don't see anything obvious here. I see what sounds like a fairly normal conversation considering your history, your ages, and that you were catching up after moving back to town.

The awkward silences on his end, aren't all that surprising.

Him talking about his plans, family and where he lives he wouldn't tell to just anyone.

But it's seems perfectly normal to me that he tell you these things considering you considered him sort of a mentor. You aren't "just anybody"... but It doesn't indicate anything beyond that

I have some thoughts though.

Immediately when I read the first lines, the problem jumped at me right away. I don't know if it's my age or what.

As soon as you said he was someone you had known for a while, who started out as something of a mentor and was 20 years older... I said "I bet..."

So, the nature of your relationship makes you someone he would feel weird/wrong showing interest in... unless you were to show interest FIRST.

You may not be considering this, from your vantage point, but there are significant differences (to him) between you specifically, and every other 30 year old girl.

Speaking of which... I'm 40. I would not be thinking some, say 25 year old girl is going to be interested in me. I'm going to assume, by default, that a 25 year old was NOT interested in me showing any interest... I'm not who she'd usually be going for. Unless she made it clear that she was interested in me, there's NO WAY I'm going to try and show my interest in some 25 year old, hoping she'd treat is like interest from a guy her own age.

Even just the age differece on it's own would make him disinclined to be the one to show interest first. He would assume he's older than you'd be interested in, unless you made it clear you were interested first.

But he started off as something of a mentor? AND he's 20 years older than you?

No man in his right mind would show you interest in this situation.

He would be worried, about the age thig sure, but more than that, he is an older guy who you put your trust in him. You put your trust in him in a position of voluntary authority. You said, I trust you to help/teach/guide me.

A huge unspoken part of that trust is the promise that this older man won't take advantage of the trust you've put in him. The most egregious way an older man might take advantage of that trust would be to become sexual with the younger girl. The whole relationship is based on the moral premise that he will never do that.

He would be very hesitant to show anything at all, even if he liked you a whole lot. He would be worried he would ruin the entire relationship you and he had. That it would taint your enitre history and any good feeling you have towards him, as soon as you realized he was looking at you that way (romantically/sexually)

So I can guarantee you, that if he does like you. He will be supressing those feelings (even to himself). He would make a point to not let you catch any tiny glimmer that he might see you that way.

From where he is, you are someone who is "off limits"

However

If YOU change the relationship dynamics... that is a completely different story.

If he sees that YOU are interested in him first, alll of those feelings and the mentor stuff and everything... it just falls away. It's no longer an issue, if you are the one to change the relationship from what it is, to something romantic/sexual. If you show him you're interested, he'll feel free to reciprocate once he's no longer in doubt that you are indeed looking at him that way.

You should for sure give him your number. Take his too. You reach out to him.

You are going to have to take the lead (hard) until he is clear that he's not being a creep by showing his feelings (assuming he has them. I would not be surprised, although I dont' see it in what you wrote).

I'm telling you. This is definitely on his mind. I bet he'll chase away thoughts of you in that light even when he's alone. To him, hitting on you is wrong. Really wrong. You need to show him that it's ok, you want him too.

Good luck 🙂

[Summeroflove]

Probably but be direct and talk to HIM…..

[slatyb]

Send it. Why wouldn't you?