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Im in my early 50s. So is the man I am interested in. Only time I see him is at a place of employment. Although he and I grew up in the same town. I’m there as a customer… a few times his coworkers have asked who I am. He always replies its Tom’s sister. This man and my brother went to his school together 40 years ago. Although they are social acquaintances and have a few friends in common. This guy and my brother are definitely not friends…. how do I get him to see me for me and NOT my brother’s sister… please keep your replies, respectful. Nothing sexual.
How to get a man to see you and not as a mutal friends sister?
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
2Opinion
I think I can help you here.
So, your problem isn't fundamentally different than a very common problem. You want him to stop seeing you as Tom's sister, and start seeing you. Fair enough.
Whether he sees you as Tom's sister, or "that lady with the short blond hair" (or whatever) Doesn't really make a difference, since... as you say... he was never friends with Tom.
So he doesn't really see you as Tom's sister so much as use that as his way of referring to you (I assume these references to you were overheard).
Key point is: He doesn't feel any conflicted feelings about you BECAUSE you're Tom's sister. It's just a descriptor. Like the hair.
So...
Your problem is fundamentally..."There's this guy that I like, and I want him to notice me, and see me as more than..." Tom's sister, or the girl with short blond hair.
(it doesn't matter. He doesn't know you as a person, that's what we're trying to facilitate)
So you're in there as a customer. You are clearly looking to not be too overt. That's fine.
Stop worrying about the "Tom's sister" label. It's irrelevant.
You just want him to see you as... you. The woman with your personality, sense of humor, values, views and everything else that makes you more than any acquaintance.
I agree, that's an excellent idea. I think that is the way to go about things. Show him more about what makes you.
At the same time, you also want to indicate your interest subtly, respectably and without taking any major risk and embarrassing yourself.
I have a solution that does both of those things. It is the solution in my opinion.
You need to subtly show your interest by increasing the frequency with which you happen to need something from his place of employment (It depends on what kind of customers he has). If you can create a half-plausible excuse to go see him at his work... go see him.
You actually do want him to notice. (don't worry, he'll be second-guessing it like crazy. "does she maybe like me? Naww that's Tom's sister." that's perfect. That's step 1)
Whenever you see him, make a point to talk to him. It doesn't have to be anything but regular talk, about anything you'd like. I"m not even telling you to flirt with this guy yet. I am telling you to make a point, to talk to him MORE (not even a lot. see, this is easy) than you do now.
But make sure you ALWAYS have as little chat with him. Each and every time. Make a point to. Hang around a few extra minutes for him to finish with some other customer JUST TO have a little conversation with him about nothing important.
(and if you're less conservative than I'm assuming, totally flirt away. I get the sense that isn't your style though.
I'm positive that once you introduce yourself. (You should tell him your name, that will probably stop the "Tom's sister" thing right away. Now you're "Linda" or whatever your name is (in his mind and is what he'll refer to you as.))
I am not giving you controversial advice here. It works. He'll start to get to know you bit by bit (how much is up to you and what you choose to talk about). He will also see or at least get a sense that maybe you're coming around more often than most people... and you always seem to like to talk to him.
That is the solution.
1. Make a point to find yourself close to them more often.
2. Make a point to show as specific special interest in their company, conversation, interests. In other words make them notice you seem to always want to talk to them.
This is no different at 50, than it is at any age. You are going to naturally do some light flirting automatically just because the feelings are there. So just relax and have a little chat. Not planed out or rehearsed or anything silly like that. Just talk to him. Tell him what you did last weekend. Ask him how his weekend was. Anything at all. It doesn't really matter.
Do those two easy things. That's your next step. That will take things to a very different place. For now, that's what I think you should do.
Good luck
🙂
Make this easier, next time you are there doing your customer activities, ask if he would like to grab a drink some time or lunch or whatever. Just break the ice and exchange numbers. Or, be a lot mire forward next time he calls you Tom’s sister, chime in and saying something alone the lines of, “Tom’s sister has a name…you owe me dinner.” That will definitely convey something. At the very least his coworkers will translate it for him. But again, exchange numbers and hold his feet to the proverbial fire.
1. over the last 3 years I have taken baked goods by. I felt I was over doing it. I was literally using every holiday as an excuse to take baked goods to him at work. I told a friend my gut was telling me I was overdoing it. I was looking for an excuse to see him. She thought because he did NOT speak up it was okay. Although I told her “He is at work. I am a paying customer." He is in a tough spot. If he is interest, he can NOT say anything. it could be construed as sexual harassment. or being rude to a customer if he tries to tell me to bug off, he's not interested.
2. About 18 months ago I was picking up my car as he was coming back from lunch. He walked in the office. He started chatting. Within 90 seconds his boss pulled him into the office and ripped him a new one for not getting back to work when immediately coming back from lunch.
2. A year ago, when picking up my car after he worked on it. I handed him a card that said, "I could use some tall guy help give me a call." 3 months pass. NO PHONE CALL. Something happened to my car. I did NOT want to go back. However, his place of employment fixed my car after an accident. I didn’t feel I had a choice. I could not pay out of pocket. So, I went back. It was a quick fix. When he was done. I asked why didn’t you call. He played stupid as if he did NOT know what I was talking about. When I said you know the card? I don't normally ask guys to call. I went out on a limb. His response was 1 sound like you need a latter to fix blah blah... I am disabled...2. Don’t you realize I have my own things I need to do. followed by don’t you have anyone else you can help you... Then he agreed to stop by.
Then we he showed up THREE weeks later. Days past the date he stated he would be by. At some point I asked him about his cell phone number. He tells me to call him at work. I didn’t want to embarrass him by saying I heard your boss rip you a new asshole over talking to me. What I did tell him; I don’t want to get you in trouble with your boss. It went back and forth then he finally gave me his number. Although he is NOT married, does NOT have a girlfriend… He told me I had to promise to never call the number, only text. At some point something about the card came up. He said he thought it was a thank you card…I said No just need a friend to help with a few things. His response was ‘Oh that is what that meant.” Most guys would have called. But because he was to aloof, slow, dense what not…He didn’t call.
Few weeks later I walked out on my back deck to water my plants. He just happened to be visiting my neighbors behind me. The guy had a friend with him. He freaked out and made a comment “oh god she saw me. His friend remarked you do NOT know that. They sat in his car and waited for me to go in my house and shut the door before speeding out of the neighborhood. Had he NOT had a freak out I never would have never noticed nor realized he was even there. In that point it is easy to say he was a douche bag. Over I was hurt, sad and angry. I had a crush on him. Okay I may have baked way too many baked goods to take him and his coworkers. I was angry that in that moment he made me feel like I was that crazy chick from fatal attraction that wanted to boil his kids bunny (not that he has kids, because he does not.) He made me feel like a horrible person who was staking him because he didn’t have the ability to say thanks I am flattered. I am not interested.
Sad part of it…. All of that happened…. I am still attracted to him.. Apologies for the long response
@Ravennoonshadow After reading what you shared, his aloofness is him avoiding he is not interested and hoping you get the hint through his, ‘inaction’ to follow through with you. In fact, that scene where his boss rips him a new one when returning from work … my guess is that was staged as he likely talked about you with his boss.
Save your emotions for another. I got the distinct sense he really is not interested. That he avoids disappointing people/conflict through the approach you have experienced by him.
You definitely put in a LOT of effort.
@Ravenmoonshadow blasted typo!
I agree with you he’s not interested. I think I just needed to say all of what happened out loud. I never would thought about what happened with him being staged. They had no idea what day or time I would’ve been picking up my car. Or dropping off big cuts and most of the days when I dropped off big goods it was without notice.
Thanks for the validation. I did put in a lot of work over a couple years. I never once got a thank you from him for all of those times I took baked goods. Hell times when I took enough food to feed all 20 of the employee. He never even bothered to help me get the food out of the car.
@Ravenmoonshadow When you are over him, perhaps the next fellow will be greatly appreciative of your efforts.
Yeah, the staging crossed my mind as I read more and more because the whole moment struck me as bizarre behavior on his employer’s part to begin with. As I read I think that is exactly what occurred when he saw you with him as a cover for him.
If you own a company and your employee takes their one hour lunch break. Comes back to work clocks in. Instead of immediately going to do his job, said employee starts socializing with a customer about how the customer’s family is doing…. That’s called stealing company time and not doing your job. Nothing bizarre about your boss who also owns the company telling you it’s not OK to come back from your one hour lunch clock in and screw off and not do your job…. most adults that is a normal reason to get in trouble with their boss. If it happens too frequently, it’s also why you’re terminated from your job. I’m not sure why you think is bizarre.
I thought he was just returning from work. I didn’t know he clocked in then talked with you
“I was picking up my car as he was coming back from lunch.” Even if he has not clocked in…what he did was still wrong. He was at his place of employment during his work day. What happen between he & his boss was normal for the circumstances of what happen. Its not logic to think what happen was planned. That is juvenile teenage behavior. Grown adults don’t stoop to such child behavior.
I do agree with you that he’s not interested.. part of me understands guys might think it’s hurtful to say they aren’t interested. Its misleading when they don’t.. I kept telling myself he was not interested…. all my friends keep saying go for it…. i feel like such as ass for not leaving him alone… especially when I knew better..
@Ravenmoonshadow As a kid I worked at a dealership with a full mechanic service … adult wise, juvenile behavior was par for course. Particularly from the service writers. Which is why it crossed my mind. I mean, to be perfectly candid, it is equally unprofessional to rip the ass out of an employee in front of a customer - which technically you still are even if just randomly bullshitting. This contributed to my suspicion. Never minding all that, the over riding gist of his sentiments has been received by you - He’s not interested. Good. Now you know to move forward. It is strange your friends would continue to push you as if he was just being bashful and needing you to be the one to sweep him up. No, your instincts were spot on, that he’s really not interested. Had he been, he would have engaged with you long ago. Especially the moment after sharing your number with him. Which did not happen. Alas, life carries on…
You said yourself "when you were a kid.." The childish behavior you described is typical be havior of kids or young adolescents. What his boss did was NOT directly in front of me. This guy was called into his bosses office. voices lowered to a whisper and door was partially closed. It was done in a professional manner. His co worker at the desk "took over"the conversation to not embarrass him and minimize how much i heard him getting reprimanded. As far as my 2 friends... This guy never spoke up to say... I am not interested... as a result they incorrectly assumed he was interested.. either shy... inverested. whatever... maybe playing hard to get.. He admitted he didn't understand what my card meant... since he didn't know what it meant... i e he was in fact to embarrassed to call... Its hard when people do NOT know how to speak up. It is also hard when your direct like I am and he's not. When he failed to communicate.. it leaves so many questions... Such as I kept asking myself what I did wrong when he didn't call. . he's 6'2. I am 5'3 I can do certain things such as change a light bulb in my ceiling.. my card said i could use some help with tall guy things.. he was simply too stupid to understand what that meant... instead of going through HIS EMBARRASSMENT of asking. he didn't call.
Thank you for the conversation. It helped to get it all out of my system.
You are very welcomed, Ravenmoonshadow. I hope you find ‘him’.