Is it just me or am I asking too much?

[avony12]

When I meet a guy within a month I should feel comfortable and open around you. Usually the man is more proactive and intentional when it comes to pursing me and I reciprocate.
This new guy I’ve been talking to lacks all of it and I haven’t been able to be completely open and comfortable with him. Because he doesn’t give me that vibe. I can honestly say me, myself have been making the environment comfortable for him to open up but it’s not that in my case. Maybe we’re just not the right fit?

[SteveSmith1985]

This made me laugh. (not at you, exactly).

You are right, sounds very much like you just aren't the right fit.

It may be slightly less funny to you. I'm honestly not trying to be a jerk. I only feel it's funny because it's so perfect that you say it yourslf at the end. It's the way you wrote it that is funny, not your actual situation

(still, I am banking on you not being too upset by this not being a good fit. If this is an upsetting situation I am indeed really sorry and wildly misread the tone of you post)

It is possible that you could have a sorta breakthrough conversation at some point and suddenly find chemistry. That definitely does happen. It doesn't always either. I don't know how much time you spend together for example. That makes a huge difference.

I'm going on the fact that it is different than what YOU feel it should be after a month.

I am NOT saying that if you feel this way about it after a month, things won't change and you might find you've got chemistry after all. I'm not telling you time to decide. I don't know enough.

It's clear that you will need to be a better fit than you seem to be so far. If you think its worth it to stick it out longer then a month isn't all that long.

**Give him more time if he seems worth it, but unless something changes, I would agree "just not the right fit."

It happens. Everyone's had that experience a time or two.

🙂

[avony12]

I definitely agree with you and I didn’t take it like you was making fun of me, but I see where you’re coming from. The reason why I say what I said at the end is because he told me that I made him feel comfortable. He asked me a question saying do I see myself being his girlfriend and I said no because I don’t ‘feel’ like I could be your girlfriend. There are certain things you do with your boyfriend versus with a friend and I feel like he keep things very surface level. And of course I don’t wanna push any boundaries, but I feel like the person that’s for me. Would be able to open up just like me. Some people do take time to open up, but that’s just not someone I wanna be with. I need someone who is proactive and intentional so I can reciprocate the same energy. With him I feel very unsure - one day we go out we have amazing time the next day - It seems like we just went back to square one of getting to know each other.

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm glad you took it as the well intentioned joking that it was. So I was smiling because you're just continuing on making a better and better case that... for you specifically, this guy is definitely not the right fit.

So I'm smiling away, thinking wow, she's eloquent and really does have a firm grasp of what she wants, and... how he just does not fit that.

Then at then end when you said you were still unsure I even chuckled a little, then I had a record-scratch moment.

"ne day we go out we have amazing time the next day - It seems like we just went back to square one of getting to know each other."

That threw me off. Hard.

Everything paints this ultra clear picture of him not being the right fit, especially for you, because you know what you expect to feel like in terms of him opening up the way you do (and the way you expect. You make the case that for you, a month is long enough to know.

Then you tell me this weird amazing time/back to square one yo-yo thing?

That's weird. That I have trouble making sense of. There is only one thing I can even find to explain it. I doubt it's the case, because you definitely know exactly what you feel for someone who fits. You seem to be exceptionally well tuned to what you want, and what you don't and how each feels.

Any chance "amazing time together" is amazing in that... you had a good time? Not... we were vibing like we had good chemistry?

[SteveSmith1985]

That makes sense to me. To feel a connection with someone one day, then lose it over and over doesn't.

It sounds like you know what to do. And I wholeheartedly agree you make a great case for "not the right fit"

And the a month is long enough for you to decide.

It's only that weird question.

(him telling you that HE was comfortable around you is nice, but also... is another indication of not the right fit. With the right fit that's mutual. We aren't concerned with whether he may think you're the right fit... that's up to him. We're talking about you.)

Depends on the nature of the yo-yo thing. If it's not going to make things click all the time... time to break up. Just not the right fit

[avony12]

And it’s not entirely his fault, but I’m just following at his lead. We have yet to hold hands / kiss or do anything to make me feel like we’re ‘there’ on an intimacy level. I’m not saying that we should’ve kissed on the first date, but there should be some type of comfortability of where we could get to that moment and I think we don’t have that at all. I think it’s because the body language he gives off is very awkward and shy and that’s not what I’m looking for in a man. I want someone to take initiative. And that may sound very traditional of me, but that is something that makes me feel seen and heard. I could go on and on, but initially I want to be able to feel comfortable and vulnerable with a man in order to pursue him even more.

[avony12]

And this man’s case, we would have an amazing night out. But soon as we had to revert to text, it’s like texting a 12-year-old. And I’m getting dry responses and mind you I’m not even a person to text, but i am going do what I need to do to get it across that I want to text you and that you are a priority. Like I said overall certain things should be effortless and I shouldn’t have to bring up every single issue.

[SteveSmith1985]

You definitely aren't right. The more I learn the more I can see that. The going back and forth thing... sounds like he could just be a bad texter. But you say you're also a bad texter, but you:

" but i am going do what I need to do to get it across that I want to text you and that you are a priority."

I like you. I'm also super impressed by the way you know exaclt what you want. But THIS that is so awesome to hear anybody say.

I have chatted with a lot of women, about relationships and whatnot.

That bit I quoted is gold. That is so good. That is what everybody should do, but nobody does. I've never heard somebody say this. I love it. You need to give lessons.

Ok back on track. I don't think you're overly traditional, It just sounds like he is fairly uncomfortable (despite his comment). But also that he's definitely not the right fit. Not for you.

I also had no idea just how bad we were talking about here. I didn't know it was a month with nothing AT ALL, no kiss, no holding hands... a month?

I am very comfortable saying: This one, you need to let him go. Time to break up FOR SURE.

Nothing to be unsure about from what I can see. I think you know it too:

"Like I said overall certain things should be effortless and I shouldn’t have to bring up every single issue."

That's exactly right. They are requiring effort beyond what it should because its a poor fit (terrible, truly just really not at all right).

That is what I think, you should do.

[spartan55]

Bro just sounds like a dud. This is another case that supports my opinion of the 'talking phase' being a waste of time. A monyh and he hasn't even held your hand? You have the patience of a saint.

[unknowngurll1212]

You’re not asking too much at all. Wanting effort, connection, and comfort in a relationship is completely valid. The right person won’t make you question if you’re asking for too much—they’ll just show up and make you feel secure without you having to try so hard,...

[IslaTheWitch]

people are different and have different needs and different pace in getting to know the other person... and it's quite obvious that not every person matches us...

[MannMitAntworten]

Yes. You are not a fit for one another. If you were, it would come so easy for both of you.