What does it mean when he says he feels bad when I bring up if we’re just friends or friends with benefits or simply clarity?

[Anonymous]

He said he likes me Contact me every single day for almost a year. He’s initiated contact every day for a year. We’ve hung out a couple times. He said before about a girl he that he just wasn’t romantically attracted to he still keeps in contact with when she texts or call him because he just doesn’t wana be rude or mean. The thing is, he keeps telling me he still wants to see where things go. He said he’s friendly with some of his exes because After all they have history And they are in new relationship Whether it was friends with benefits Or whatever type of dynamic they had. But he said with me He’s not talking to anyone else in that way and I’m the only one that gets his attention in a way he text and calls every day. The thing is I just don’t know where I stand and I don’t ever wanna bring it up again. All I asked, was clarity and to What we have so I don’t expect too much from him And then I won’t get mad. And he just says he doesn’t know what the future would hold between us. In my mind, I feel like he’s keeping his options open even though he said he’s not. He text me if I’m OK if I don’t respond, he always asks how my day was etc. But it’s never about deep conversations as it kind of was in the beginning. Yes we got sexual but he still talks to me. I just don’t know what to think. I’m kind of at a crossroads. I don’t know if he just doesn’t wanna be mean and hurt my feelings.

[ProbablyClueless]

It means that he realizes that the connotation is that y'all are just each other's sex toys. He probably wants to feel a little bit more important to you than that.

[Asker]

He wants to feel more important, but I don’t even know where I stand with him. I flew to see him twice knowing I have so much anxiety flying by myself and he knows that.

[ProbablyClueless]

Okay, it sounds like you need to talk with him about that. Tell him where your head and heart are at.

Don’t be afraid to speak up about that stuff. There’s no reason for a lack of clarity about something as knowable as that

[Asker]

I’ve been trying to, three times already. I feel bad because he has been initiating contact first with me for almost a year, but I don’t even know if I should be the first to reach out because I don’t even know where I stand. Because if he secretly sees me as a friend, then I don’t know if I should just distant myself. I have been distancing myself though and I think he’s been noticing it. It’s so tricky and I’m in a rut.

[Asker]

And when he calls me or texts me, it’s at certain times it’s almost like he has a routine or a schedule and he said he’s a very routined guy

[ProbablyClueless]

Of course you should be the one to reach out. He's made it obvious that he wants to be in touch with you. You have questions about where you stand with him, so the onus is on you to ask those questions.

[Asker]

But at the same time, I don’t know if he’s being in touch with me just as a friend? Do you know what I mean? I’ve been asking where I stand or I’ve been asking clarity for him to just say if we are just friends or not. Or what is it so I don’t take things anymore than what it actually is.

[ProbablyClueless]

When you ask him to clarify, what are you actually asking him? How do those conversations actually go?

[Asker]

I told him I’m not mad, I just want to know if we are just friends friends with benefits or what are we so I don’t expect anything more than what it actually is. And he just said he feels bad every time I ask him about it. And that he still wants to see where things go, and he can’t tell the future between us, but in my mind, I’m like it sounds like he’s keeping his options open if you can’t even say anything about where I stand. I don’t know if he even likes me. I don’t even know if he likes me like that anymore. I don’t even know if he’s interested in me romantically I don’t even know if he wants to see where things go. I don’t even know if he’s even physically attracted to me anymore. I don’t even know where his mind is at.

[Asker]

Then he tells me he wants me to call him because I barely do but in my mind I’m like why would I call someone that I don’t even know where I stand? I get it. He pursued me since the first time we’ve met, but at the same time why would I pursue someone who can’t even give me a straight answer when I said, even if it’s the answer, I don’t wanna hear I won’t get mad or upset. I’d rather just know the truth and that I won’t get my feelings hurt. But he seems to stick with the same unanswered questions. It’s like if you care about me just tell me the truth whether you feel like it’s gonna hurt me feelings or not. I said I’m still gonna talk to him. I’m not gonna ghost him, but he just can’t even be honest with me if that’s the case.

[ProbablyClueless]

Ah... he's one of those. A time waster. I'm sorry to hear that.

Unfortunately, that guy is not someone you even want to see you romantically. He's not "seeing where things go." You already know where things are going. They've already gone where they're going to go. The reality is that he doesn't have his shit sorted out and you're asking him a question that he could only answer if he had his shit sorted out. He's hoping to delay the conversation and string you along until he has an answer.

He feels bad when you're asking him where things are going because he knows you want an answer he can't give.

[Asker]

But yet he tells me he wants me to call him and that I barely text him first or call him at all and that that’s the main reason why because I don’t even know where I stand. It’s like it’s not that hard buddy. You’re not gonna hurt my feelings. Just be a grown man at 48 a 31 year-old a girlwhat it’s all about. I’m just putting him in the category as a boy now. Like seriously.

[ProbablyClueless]

What I'm trying to say is that for him, it IS that hard. It's not about hurting your feelings, he's being honest with you. You're asking him for a sense of direction, but he doesn't have any sense of direction for himself. So when you ask where things are going, he's telling you that he honestly doesn't know.

Because even though he's a 48 year old man, like you're saying; emotionally, he's a boy. He can't lead you because he doesn't know where he's going either.

[Asker]

I don’t know I guess to me if he saying he wants to see where things go with me. It’s basically saying he’s keeping his options open. But yet he says I’m the only one that he’s into right now. I get it for a whole year. He’s been initiating contact first I did here and there, but he barely did because he always text me early in the morning before I even wake up. But I don’t know I just don’t get it. I told him I’m not asking him to be my boyfriend because clearly that’s not where it’s going. I just wanna hear it from his mouth that he just doesn’t want anything with me. But yeah, I get what you mean. It’s just frustrating.

[ProbablyClueless]

There's nothing confusing about this situation. You're reading this situation with so much more intention than it appropriate.

He's not telling you that he doesn't want anything with you because that's not a true statement. HE GENUINELY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS FROM YOU. He can't tell you if he doesn't want anything from you because he simply doesn't know that. He wants you to keep investing in the connection and put off making a decision because he doesn't fucking know what he wants yet.

This guy is drifting in a circle through life. Stop approaching this person like you're dealing with someone with a plan.

[Asker]

Sheesh, I’m just fucking asking. I’m just asking because it sounds like he’s fucking keeping me as an option. But how the fuck am I supposed to fucking know that he’s not fucking keeping his fucking options fucking open that’s why I’m trying to fucking get a fucking answer, but he can’t be a fucking man and fucking tell me the fucking truth. It’s not that fucking hard.

[Asker]

Well, now that you fucking said it I guess I got the fucking point. I guess I fucking did fucking take this fucking whole fucking thing wrong my fucking bad dude.

[ProbablyClueless]

😂😂😂 I like you. I promise you’ll never be just an option for me.

But to answer your question; this guy is just lost. There is no plan of attack here… That man is just wasting your time.

[Asker]

I will fucking put you as most fucking helpful fucking opinion, fucking ever.

[ProbablyClueless]

I’m sorry for being short with you. I didn’t mean to set you off.

Genuinely. I’m sorry for being too abrasive

[Arcadian222]

If you dont feel any graduation of your relationship, he isn't meaning to gradute it to something deeper. 1 year is too long a time for someone to just talk. You are part of his routine day and he likes it that way. You'd feel if he wants more.

[Asker]

I’m starting to realize that now! Thank you

[Arcadian222]

Hang in there buddy!

[Asker]

I think I’m just too naïve to realize even though I’m 31 years old and he’s like 48

[Arcadian222]

Its pretty clear. Engage yourself in some other stuff and try to phase it down

[Bunnybuny]

He wants more

[Asker]

How would you know that?

[Sam1133]

He obviously wants your hole

[Asker]

What do you mean

[BarryLiverstone]

He’s your friend

[Asker]

What do you mean

[BarryLiverstone]

I mean he’s not asked you to be his girlfriend. Right?

[Asker]

Right

[BarryLiverstone]

So then he’s just your friend. That’s where you stand with him. So why be at a crossroads?

[Asker]

Because I feel like he’s giving me mixed signals and I told him to just be honest and tell me, so I don’t expect anything more than what it actually is. I just want him to say from his mouth that he only sees me as a friend because so far he’s still saying he still wants to see where things go and what happens between us

[BarryLiverstone]

He can’t do that tho. Don’t you understand why he’s not being honest?

[Asker]

Honestly, I think I’m just retarded

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok, umm if that’s the case then I’m not sure how I can help

[BarryLiverstone]

Just make sure the next time you talk to him you fucking tell him no more sex. Once he realizes he can’t use you to get off he will stop initiating

[Asker]

I did and he still keeps messaging me. He said that that’s not all he wants so I’m like what the fuck. Like here just be honest with me. It’s not that hard. I just wanna hear it from his mouth. That’s all.

[Asker]

But now I’m realizing what you said if you didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend then I’m just a friend or nothing at all

[BarryLiverstone]

Not really even a friend tbh. He keeps messaging you because he knows you will get horny and lonely and give in. He’s not being a friend, so it’s on you to decide if you respect your boundaries. He can’t say he’s only into you, that’s a year long love bomb

[Asker]

Exactly he is a douche bag. Basically, I’m a piece of trash that he walked past on the ground and he didn’t even try to pick me up and
Put me where I belong.

[Asker]

I’m just gona stop replying to him.

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok, good luck. And stop calling yourself trash. Does no one any good. You are not retarded.

[BarryLiverstone]

Did you stop replying to him?

[Asker]

I’m replying hours later like 8hrs or even a day later now. Slowly just letting it go. I used to feel bad but I don’t care now.

[BarryLiverstone]

Your call. Just adding some accountability , as you said : “I’m just gona stop replying to him.”