New caregiver struggling with boundaries: am I overthinking this?

[Anonymous]

I just got done with my training and I am more quiet type. I help take care of intellectually disabled adults and guys with autism. Today kinda spooked me. I have a hard time setting boundaries, because I am quiet. Anyways, today we are moving into a house and there's a client whose in his early 20s and I am 24. There was 2 other staff there and I was sitting on the couch and he was sitting next to me. I saw him as a little kid, he acted like a little kid but i think he may have liked me. He kept asking if I wanted to watch a movie and I told him maybe tomorrow. And then one of the staff told him to give me space on the couch lol. Then a day later he told me "I really like you" and touched my shoulder and I said "do not do that, that makes me uncomfortable"


I just feel so stupid because I shouldn't have been so passive about it. I just felt like a fish out of water. I feel so stupid.. like would I have let them walk over me? We went through training but it just worries me. Am I overthinking this?

[abc3643]

You're not stupid and you are not overthinking this - you are underthinking this. Basically, you are instinctively treating these people as normal people and they are not. The normal rules and boundaries of acceptable social behavior - that is, decorum - are somewhat lost on them. I don't want to say these people are animals, but you have to think that they are going to be more like animals which do not have decorum for the most part. Perhaps animals is too harsh, but more like very little kids whose sense of nuance and abstraction does not exist.

For example, saying "do not do that, that makes me uncomfortable" may be normal for a normal adult, you might as well be speaking Chinese. "Uncomfortable" is almost meaningless to them, especially in this context. You need to think like you are talking to someone who is younger than he is. If you "saw him as a little kid" and "he acted like a little kid", then you have to communicate with him like he's a little kid. Little kids don't relate to "makes me uncomfortable". Be more direct "Please don't do that." and leave it at that. If he asks "Why?" explain to him why... and "It's makes me uncomfortable." isn't going to cut it. So ask yourself: Why does it feel uncomfortable? Answer that and that's what you communicate to him.

This may not be the job for you. However, you are new and, if you go in with an open mind and realize this environment is not normal, then you may adjust and thrive and, frankly, enjoy it now than normal people in the real world. Why? These people, just like little kids, are not full of shit and speak honestly. You may not like what they say but they won't pretend what they aren't.


I speak from experience. My first job with a paycheck was working with kids and young adults such as these. I did it for over 2 years from February 1979 until August 1981 when I went away to college. I loved it, but it was a real eye opener...

[abc3643]

* frankly, enjoy it MORE than BEING WITH normal people in the real world.

* but they won't pretend TO BE what they aren't.

[bowenw]

I don't believe you were passive. You told him that it made you uncomfortable that he touched your shoulder. You are also still learning the new job. You can't expect to know everything at the start. You will keep learning and how to deal with a variety of patients.

[midnightmoon05]

Over thinking about what. It sounds like you are in a new job and doing the right thing.
what are you over thinking about?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You need to get more comfortable with hurting people’s feelings in the name of saving your own. That’s what boundaries do