His jokes make me feel like he doesn't love me!

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend tells me he loves me, and I love him too. For a somewhat young relationship (we're 22 and have been together only several months) we're pretty serious. However, we became long distance, and even though he was always like this, I'm starting to notice that he has been a bit insensitive to my feelings. He has a tendency to make jokes about everyone, but when he jokes about me I get upset especially when he jokingly calls me ugly (he says it's "obviously a joke" because I'm "so pretty", but I don't see myself that way so it's not funny to me). Sometimes when I get upset about these comments, he tells me I'm taking it too serious and "being wimpy". The only thing is, I always picture other people's relationships as just two people planning romantic surprises and showering each other with compliments, and it bothers me that he's not like that. He's said romantic things to me before, but it's not constant, and although he's taken me on vacation once and we've gone out to nice dinners before, he has never planned some sort of extravagant surprise. Is this normal? Does it mean he doesn't love me? Sometimes he's willing to talk about his emotions or our relationship but I think I bring it up so often that he's reluctant to talk about it.

[ArizonaHighways]

First of all, I don't think it matters if you're living in a "fantasy world" or not (referring to you relationship expectations)...they're your ideas of what you want and they're valid. If you want a guy who is romantic and kind, get out there and find him-because they do exist! Otherwise, settle for less.

No, his behavior doesn't necessarily mean he has no love for you in his heart...he sounds kinda mixed with a bit of good and a bit of bad, which makes him a regular guy. However, if you tell him his jokes are hurting your feelings and he still continues...well, it's all about what you want to put up with I guess. I would expect a guy to change his behavior if he knew it bothered me and I would certainly do the same for him. I've never had a Man tell me I'm ugly and call it humor-how is that funny? It's just stupid.

And there are guys out there who will "shower you with compliments", "plan romantic surprises", flowers on your bed, love-notes on your mirror, ect. I've known plenty of them. And they're not gay.

[sammy--j]

i think all the guys that are romantic are probably gay..i do have a bf, but he doesn't do nice things...i guess they can't read our minds...id like a guy to buy me flowers just because, and he isn't one to do it...i really don't think that there are guys out there like this, if so please call me...lol

and I don't know my boyfriend can be a jerk sometimes also, like he says oh I'm seeing some girl, and he is joking so he says, I believe him, but what bout if he is being serious...ahh id kill him..:)

maybe your boy is the kind of guy just to joke around, tell him he is ugly back, and laugh about it..

oh ask him

"do you love me"

and see what he says, then ask

"are you in love with me"

and see what he says to that...

that'll let you know

[Asker]

Oh he always says yes. this actually makes me feel a lot better, I think my expectations are too high. I don't mind his jokes thaaat much as long as they're not a sign that he doesn't respect me.

[sammy--j]

Yeah I have high expectations for mine, but I guess all straight guys are the same...lol

[Asker]

Haha good point! I guess 22 is kind of young also. My mom and my dad are always so lovey dovey and I wonder why he can't be like that....maybe my dad is gay lol

[ArizonaHighways]

The gay comment is a joke right? Surely.

[Asker]

Haha yes it's a joke

[meghan12885]

just talk it out with him and find some kind of compromise between what you both want and expect from each other.

"it's not always rainbows and butterflies its compromise"

It seems like you want to mold him into what you fantasize a relationship or a man to be like, you shouldnt try to change him, take him the way he is or try and find someone who is more likely to fit your mold.

[NirvanaCobain]

guys don't realize what they say hurt our feelings I always hide them even though deep inside I get hurt by it, next time he does it tell him "i know your joking but I'm a girl and it hurts my feelings" that in no way makes it seem that he doesn't love you though! guys joke..alot but that's what makes them different from us

[Asker]

He knows it hurts my feelings, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable and that I need to toughen up and stop getting upset over everything. He's gotten a little better since the last time I talked to him about this, but naturally he still does it every now and then

[NirvanaCobain]

Just have no reaction to it, stay silent. Make him feel silly for what he's saying after a while he'll get the hint that its not funny and hopefully stop making jokes

[MoskauMoskau]

For one, you need to tell him that what he is doing bothers you. Tell him his jokes hurt and you really don't appreciate them.

"I always picture other people's relationships as just two people planning romantic surprises and showering each other with compliments, and it bothers me that he's not like that."

Your expectations are too high. Either you learn to love him as he is or you don't. Sure, go ahead and try and change him.

Most important thing is telling him what he does that you don't like. However, too much negativity at once is also bad. Make sure he knows you do love him.

[Standingpretty]

I agree. Love is not how it's cliched to be, sometimes the most romantic moments in ones life are ones that would never make box-office success.

[eyembatmanz]

You're stuck in a fantasy created from watching too many movies. Try talking to him. I mean, those jokes are fine, so long as he doesn't go overboard.

[Asker]

Good to know. they don't bother me too much, they just make me feel like I'm being too tolerant and "putting up with too much" if you know what I mean.