Why is nothing I do for my boyfriend ever good enough, how can I get him to respect me?

[Anonymous]

I feel very disrespected and unappreciated often times in my relationship. My boyfriend is perfect. He comes from a great Catholic-Italian family and was raised really well. He's taken care of himself financially since he was like 16 years old. Him and his brothers are great guys who were raised to be very respectful people. But my boyfriend doesn't respect me the way he should. His mother does everything for him, his brothers, and their father. She doesn't have her license so she is always home, and still does their laundry and cooks for them, even though two of the brothers are moved out and engaged/married. All they know is their mother taking care of them day in and day out (and I don't blame them for that, that's what they grew up with). I am an excellent girlfriend. I take care of my boyfriend and I do more for him that his brother's fiance does for him. I cook, clean, don't go out partying, help him with school/homework, make lunches for him to take to school/work. Whatever he needs or asks, I do it. Not because I feel like I have to, but because I want to and I love to. I feel like as a woman and as his girlfriend it is my job to take care of him and treat him like a man should be treated. I love taking care of him. But he never appreciates all the things I do for him. He is my number one priority and everyone knows that except him. Everyone knows how good he has it, except him. I'm sick of him making comments that make me feel like I'm not good enough or nothing I do is good enough. If I go a few weeks without cooking for him, he makes a comment. If I don't fix a pair of pants right away that he needs fixed, he makes a comment. I have my own life to worry about too, I can't always jump when he needs something. But he is my number one priority and I do more for him that most people my age do for their significant other. I am almost 24 and he is almost 22. He is my best friend and I think my soul mate. He is perfect for me. But does he not appreciate the things that I DO do because he is so used to his mother catering to him 24/7? I just want to feel appreciated, respected, and know that my efforts are noticed. HELP!

[Anonymous]

If you've told him how you feel about this and his behavior hasn't changed, then that's just the way he's always going to be. He expects you to do all of this, he doesn't see it as something special you're doing for him that should be appreciated. He's very ungrateful and is fully taking you for granted.

That's a pretty bad attitude to have if you ask me, but you have to decide if you want to put up with this poor treatment or not. How can a soul mate or best friend treat you this way? The answer is he wouldn't. I think you should break up and find another guy who actually respects you and appreciates what you do for him.

[Anonymous]

Leave. Break up. You're turning into his mother. I like taking care of the men in my life but if they don't appreciate it, it doesn't happen again. If I'm going to be taking care of them, it's done on my terms. Laundry doesn't end up in the hamper? It might just end up outside, and certainly not washed. Don't say thanks for cooking or clear off the dish? No more food. And mending happens when I have time, not a minute before. Therefore, you leave. Or you get tough and stop doing things for him. Leaving will be easier but you're going to stay until staying is worse than leaving.

[Asker]

we have not spoken since Friday because I need him to know that I am not okay with him not appreciating everything that I do for him. but he hasn't even tried to contact me at all. so I'm not sure where his heads at or where we stand. he is acting as if I did something wrong. he can't admit he was wrong or admit that he hurt me.

[Opinion Owner]

Then walk away. He's not worth it. If you go back now, you'll lose any respect that was left and all of your dignity.

[Asker]

but he is really good to me in every other way. it's hard to leave him. I'm not going to get into our history or the logistics of our relationship but he is in every way my best friend and leaving him is not something I want to do. I want to help him to see things from my perspective and have him appreciate me a little more. I don't know how to do that.

[Opinion Owner]

Well, then you get tough. Do nothing for him. Unless he begs and thanks you 10x afterward. Best friends don't treat each other this way. Sounds like he knows exactly what he has and he also knows you won't leave, so why should he change at all? And if he's not upset at the thought of you leaving, RUN.

[Asker]

okay, thank you for your help :)

[pr3ttybr0wn]

Find a new boyfriend. You will never get respected by him. It doesn't even sound like you respect yourself. You're putting yourself on a lower level. He is the king and you're a servant and you put up with it. You can't change those dynamics, that's the way it is because you allowed it. You let him treat you like that and that's why he runs over you.

[kady83]

uh-oh! A mamma's boy. His mother has spoiled him to the point of expecting things and not appreciating the thought behind it. Plus, you are not his wife! He should do his own laundry and fix his own pants. You can not live your life trying to please someone else. That being said...

Talk to him about your feelings. A loving boyfriend would want to work things out.

[Anonymous]

Um . . . what does HE do for YOU. I have a sneaking suspicion he treats you the way his Dad probably treats his Mom, who, coincidentally, does 'everything' for them. Religion teaches men to respect the church and other men, not their wives. Wives respect their husbands. Is this how you want to live? I'd dump his sorry ass.

[Asker]

he's really sweet. he is good to me. very supportive, pushes me to be a better person, always has my back. my best friend. but he has a hard time showing emotion because that's how he was raised. he definitely takes after his dad. most of the time when he says things he is joking because we like to tease each other. but I'm sick of the jokes. I want him to say how proud he is of me or how thankful he is to have me in his life.

[Opinion Owner]

Have you told him that's what you need? Or are you just hoping he 'picks up' on that? They aren't mind readers, if you feel you need something you aren't receiving, you should tell him about it. Try to be positive though. Like when I wanted to tell my guy I needed his touch more, instead of saying, "You don't . . . ." I said, "It makes me feel amazing when you touch me more often, it makes me want to be closer to you". So it comes off as a positive spin instead of an ass chewing.

[Asker]

I hear you. Yes I have told him that I wish he could be more emotional and open and not run from his feelings or emotions. He was the first to say I love you. and I know he meant it because he cried and got really emotional. He hardly ever says it, but when he does I know he means it. He is just a lot like his dad. Strong work ethic, but doesn't always pay attention to the needs of those around him. I've told him this before. But the thing is he's acting like I did something wrong now.

[Lafemmedeschats]

He'd. Respect you if you respected yourself enough to leave him.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Break up.

[Asker]

not helpful

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Sorry. It's the best answer. You've talked to him about your wishes, he refuses to change and treats you poorly. Your only recourse at that point is to decide you don't want to put up with his crappy behavior.