It's been a while since I last made a post. My very first Take was about the key to happiness being knowledge and how knowing may diminish our fears and bring us bliss. Now, I believe the key is freedom.
A few months ago, I came across some old diaries filled with typical naiive remarks and emotions of a young girl... As well as those that aren't so typical.
They say children don't get depressed, but who says so? Science? Or just clueless, uneducated adults? I don't remember too much about my childhood, but I can never forget the little girl who'd sit at her window and stare out at the roofs and streets, feeling trapped as if she was imprisoned. Dreaming of climbing out that window, slipping down and taking off. But where could she possibly go?
The summer before high school, she somehow finds the will to change her life. She auditions for a summer singing program in Victoria, Canada - beautiful place - and gets accepted. The experience changes her life. When she gets back for high school, everything is different. She's no longer the troubled kid at school with a foggy identity; she's become a star who'd sing and dance at school events, entertaining her peers and teachers and bringing them joy. She's not the same girl who'd stare out her window at night. She's happy.
All that shatters to pieces after she loses the person who kept her inspired. She stops doing music. Stops hanging out with friends. She shuts everyone out and hides herself in a deep, dark hole. She makes sure to fill up the empty bottles in the fridge and always wear hairties and bracelets around her left wrist. She uses her lunch money to pay for her secret therapy sessions, ointments and bandaids.
She somehow overcomes the dark phase. When she starts at college overseas, she feels the change in environment has healed her. She's fine.
Little does she know a single loss would push her right back down to where she'd been. Once again, she drinks, cuts, cries, throws objects across her room... And maintains an assuring smile when around others. She starts seeing a doctor at her college - yet this time not to get better but to end it all. She takes the pills she's subscribed and during every session lies to her doctor that it's ineffective - until she's given the strongest pills of them all. One day, she takes the pills in her hand - but she can't do it. She can't let go of her belief that things will get better. Because there's still so much she wants to do, so much she wants to achieve, and places she wants to go. So she decides to stay strong for a little longer.
Here I am today, putting my foot down and deciding to walk away from all of it. I'm not that young girl anymore. I just turned twenty-two and I deserve better than to remain trapped by the same people, in the same ways. I go to college but I don't know what I'm going for. I'm supposed to be graduating this year but can't. I just changed my major, thinking I'd be happier, but I don't feel any different. I have no idea if I can realistically get away from here and start a life of my own, but I've decided that I can't stay here anymore. I don't know where I'll go yet, but starting now I plan to work hard and make enough to fly somewhere and stay in a hotel or with a friend until I can find a job. Of course, I can probably only get a small job without a college degree, but I don't care. I just can't live like this anymore. I want to live the rest of my life doing what I enjoy and love, surrounded by people I love and who will love me - in the right ways.
I hope young boys and girls as well as people my age are reading this. Don't let anyone or anything limit your happiness. It's your life, not anyone else's. Embrace your passions, talents and dreams. There's no need for you to put up with any boundaries and pain.
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