Health & Fitness

To Lose Yourself

(Everybody experiences mental illness differently. This is based on my own, personal experience.)

The mind is an amazing thing. From how it operates our entire body, to the things it makes us capable of. In my opinion, it is one of the most powerful things in existence. Given that it's so powerful, some of us lose control over that power, and it turns from being an amazing thing into a thing that torments us day in and day out.

It begins like a fist within you, squeezing and twisting your insides without mercy. You try to ignore the pain, but you find that the less you focus on it, the more apparent it becomes until it's the only thing you can focus on.

You then try to begin working your way through it, but there's just so much of it everywhere. Everywhere you turn, it's there. It clouds your mind, draining you of any happiness you had, weighing heavily down on you so you can't take in any new happiness.

Every night while you're lying in your bed, you feel a deep physical pain in your chest, while your mind is wondering what should you be doing differently? Surely this feeling of hopelessness had to be caused by something you did. Why do you feel this way? Why are you are never good enough? Why can't you seem to get out of this rut? Your mind asks all these questions, but you can't give an answer.

You finally gain the courage to talk to somebody about it, but they just shrug it off and tell you that you should get out more, make some friends, maybe somebody special. You nod, but you're not convinced that's all it'll take to make you happy again. Maybe you'll reach out to somebody else, who will just tell you that you should be happy and that others have it way worse.

This only convinces your mind that you're selfish for feeling this way, which leads to bottling up everything you feel.

With bottling everything up comes to slowly isolating yourself from those around you, and eventually the world. Nobody was ever really there for you, and you had to find that out at your lowest point, you stop doing any hobbies, as the things you used to enjoy have no appeal. To anybody who asks how've you been, you simply smile and say you're fine. Anything else would be selfish.

You feel weak for feeling this way in the first place. Admittance to not being okay would only intensify this feeling.

Many nights will be spent laying in your bed, staring up at the ceiling. The fist you once felt is gone, replaced by numbness, both mentally and physically. All the pain you felt has vanished, which you'd think to be a good thing, but I find that the numbness that replaced it is a much worse feeling. Nothing has meaning anymore, nothing has appeal, you are simply numbed to the entire world.

You've finally lost yourself.

You stare at your ceiling, wondering what happened to the person you used to be, wondering who you are now. Only for your mind to whisper back a small, "Nothing."

"You're nothing."

To Lose Yourself
To Lose Yourself
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