My self-awereness trip

To whom it might concern,

I was blessed with average beauty, intelligence, and most important, good heart. Not the Top model beauty, nor the Einstein intelligence, not even a Nobel prize kind of heart. Blessed.

But never happy. I always felt like a human lost in the middle of the ocean. No map, no compass. And sent alone, like that, with the purpose to find something. What, when, weren’t questions that I was allowed to ask.

But although I felt like that, I always had an enquiring mind, a not-stopping engine. And that search was and is what kept me alive.

Why such a basic thing like keeping me alive? Because I was between life and death. I was on that road by my own, by choice. And that some how defined me. It changed me. Not in the very same moment I came back to live again, in some sort of way. But attempts to suicide does change your perspective on how you see life. You’re always trying to seek for a purpose. You never get satisfied with things. At least that was my case. So, after a year of have tried to kill myself, I was seeking for a new purpose.

I realize that my life choices were founded in what others told and taught me. So, it was time to let go what I knew to start a new life. So I did. I left in the past what didn’t represent me, and started to do my own life path choices. Of course that it doesn’t mean that I made perfect choices. I often did poor ones. More usually than often. But at least I was on my own.

First of all, I was unemployed. So I looked for a job. It took me months to finally find a decent one, but got there. It was easier than the things I ended up doing.

My love life was in zero. So I needed to get in the market. I went to online dating sites. Met a good amount of people. Slept with mostly everyone I personally met. But at the same time, felt more lonely than ever, and ended up seeking for company, something that I wouldn’t get from there. Currently, I’m seeing someone, but there is no chemistry, but for no reason, I keep seeing him. I have no need to see him, but the loneliness feeling.

My career is worst than my love life. I still jump from field to field, like blind folded, searching for some kind of comfort zone where I can study, and feel complete.

So, I’m still seeking. Traveling, looking for my other half. That in my mind is not represented by a person, but by my mental peace. I don’t search for money, or a prince charming, I travel to find that piece of mind. That feeling of being complete. Till then, I will continue my journey, my mistakes will probably increase. And maybe in the way I will find some pieces, like a puzzle, and maybe it will take all my life to rebuild my self. But at least I have found what keep me living: the search.

My self-awereness trip


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