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When I was born, people tell me my parents would go on and on about how I was an easy baby. I rarely cried, but my parents noticed I wasn't very outgoing and I preferred to watch the world around me. At first that wasn't a cause for concern but as I got older, my parents noticed that I preferred to stay in my room, stay in bed even if I wasn't asleep, listen to my music, and I would frequently seek isolation. My first memory with anxiety was being in elementary and not wanting to sharpen my pencil because I didn't want my classmates to look at me.
As for depression, my first memory being overwhelming sad was being about 13 and I would go to the library because I didn't feel like I had friends. But I never really read any of the books because of my lack of motivation for a lot of things and I would frequently feel sad for no explainable reason. Of course being relentlessly bullied didn't help and because of the bullying I did contemplate suicide. The idea of my parents finding their 13 year old daughter dead was too much for me to handle. I decided I couldn't put my parents and family through that and promised myself to not ever return to that dark place. My family doesn't know it but they saved me that night.
My mother has a master's degree in social work and she primarily works as a therapist. She first diagnosed me with anxiety and depression at 15. I cried and cried because I felt that I was broken and that it made me less of a human being. This was the first of many times that my mom suggested that I take medications and it was the first of many times that I outright refused to take meds.
Anxiety and depression are two sides of the same coin but they're closely linked. With all the negative thinking from anxiety, it can cause depression. In a way, it felt much worse and more terrifying than depression because it was frenetic, exhausting, and brutal. Depression might call to you with a steady stream of voices saying, "you are worthless" and "nobody cares." Anxiety, on the other hand, shouts at you: "You're an idiot," and "What the hell are you thinking?" Taking meds was a last resort but I wish I did it sooner. Unfortunately for me, I never stood much of a chance because my depression and anxiety is genetic from my dad's side of the family.
There were traces of anxiety and depression at different times in my life, but the last few years I noticed it getting worse. Just last week when I was watching a movie at the theater, I suddenly teared up because I became suddenly aware that everyone I've come to know will eventually die. I was always stubbornly convinced I just needed to eat healthier, take supplements, workout, and do things that I enjoy. The negative connotations attached to taking to taking meds and to big pharma, was the biggest thing that held me back.
My depression and anxiety finally came to a stand still a few days ago. My birthday was on the 6th and my family planned to celebrate on the 9th. I wanted to go to the art museum, have a nice lunch, and go back to the house for cake and presents. I've recently out of my parents house but I was feeling homesick so I stayed the night before with them.
My parents woke me up around 9 and I don't know why, but I didn't have the motivation to get out of bed. I ended up arguing with my mother and ruined my birthday party. I went back to the house I share with my sister. That night I overheard my mother almost sobbing as she talked to my sister. She kept saying, "I just want my daughter back." I decided right then and there to drive back down to my parents house to patch things up. When I got to my parents house, I cried on my mom's shoulder as I told her over and over that I was sorry and that I was trying to make things better. Later that morning I made an appointment with my general practitioner.
I see an APRN who I absolutely adore. She's kind, has fantastic bedside manner, always makes sure that she answers questions I have, and I feel like she listens to me and my concerns. Luckily an appointment was available right away for the 11th. During my appointment, I tried to keep calm as I explained to the medical assistant that I wanted to talk to the APRN about getting on anti-depressants. I don't know why but I was nervous. I think it was because it was finally the time for me to admit I had a problem. She was very kind as she took my vitals. She then had me fill out a questionnaire with questions like, "how often do you feel sad, how often do you feel irritable, etc"
The APRN comes in and she asks me how I feel. I explain that I feel that my depression and anxiety have been getting worse. I then said I was seeking help because it was starting to affect my relationships with my family. Out of all my symptoms, it's likely irritability that affects my family the most. They don't understand why I get upset for things like when I tell them I want to be alone, why I'm always on edge, or why I get upset over the smallest things. I would also cry on and off for hours, sometimes not understanding why. And then feelings of worthlessness would set in because I am not as successful as I want to be or that I'm not doing anything of purpose.
I also explained to my APRN that hearing false accusations about me that affect my career, my cousins murder, my general insecurities, and academic struggles have all made my depression and anxiety worse. Once I saw how my depression and anxiety affected my family, I decided it was way past time to swallow my pride and get help. My brother takes pills to alter his brain so he doesn't have seizures, why would taking pills to alter my brain because of depression and anxiety be any different? My brain just doesn't make enough serotonin. No amount of exercise, going out for fresh air, or supplements will change that.
My APRN prescribed me Lexapro. She was worried about me getting drowsy so I first took it at night. After the appointment, I was so proud of myself that I made a post on Facebook saying how proud of myself I was. Plus I think admitting to my friends that I have a problem it feels less like a secret or something I'm shameful of.
Lexapro doesn't make me drowsy at all, but it did make me super nauseous the first time I took it. The nausea lingered so long that I called off work. I googled Lexapro a little bit and found out that it has a stimulant that likely stimulated my stomach. I also noticed that I have a bigger appetite which is good because I weigh about 100 pounds and have always had difficulty gaining weight. I've only been on anti-depressants for a couple days and it will take at least two weeks for it to reach a full affect. I'm already feeling hopeful though. The Lexapro was about $8 for me with my insurance. I can't imagine having to deal with this without insurance.
Our brains are subject to the hardships out of this world, and sometimes the redeeming is found in medical help, as we all know with all sorts of various medical issues and problems so many face. Medical intervention is a gift.
If you are depressed or experiencing overwhelming anxiety, I would encourage you to be open and honest with safe, kind people, and be willing to talk to a doctor. You may not need medication, and Iām not advocating that everyone with depression and anxiety get some. Iām saying just be open to it.
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