A detailed description of what relapsing feels like [self harm]

[tallandsweet]

I've written a number of anonymous posts about self harm and have decided to post this with my real username because I'm sick of people attacking me for this without even knowing who they're talking to.

I also feel the urge to say that this post is very detailed. If you are not feeling well or emotionally stable enough to read this, please don't. Here's one more formal TRIGGER WARNING.

So, here I am. I'm almost 19, I have parents who tried very hard and were always there for me, experienced an awesome education so far, and I should be happy. I led a very privileged life back home and since moving out, I've found all the more reasons to be content and genuinely positive.

However, life isn't always easy. I won't go into why I started to cut now, this would make this take really long, I just wanted to address what relapsing feels like.

I hadn't cut myself in more than a year, almost 1.5 years to be precise. I was clean longer than I had my G@G profile.

And then, a month ago, I couldn't handle everything changing anymore. A few days before moving out, I was exercising on the floor in my room when I started to cry uncontrollably.

This doesn't happen often when I'm not in school/uni, so I told myself that I would allow myself to look at my blades if I found them within 20 seconds. I had completely forgotten where they were, so I set a timer and went through my closet. I found them before the timer went off.

[Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash]

I sat down again and looked at my blades. I unpacked them and then stuffed them back into their individual packaging. I put them away, went to the bathroom to take a shower, undressed - and figured that I couldn't do this anymore and that I had to cut myself now.

I went back to my room and grabbed a fresh blade, returned to the bathroom and started to think about which spot would be the most appropriate.

I figured that my breasts were the only spot I could cut since there wouldn't be unbearable consequences from that within the next couple of years (I won't have sex, nobody will see them). I took the blade to my breast, closed my eyes and dragged it across. It didn't hurt (it never did, wasn't ever about that for me either), but when I opened my eyes, I gasped in horror.

The wound that I had just produced was way too deep for my liking. I had not wanted to make it as big as it was and I was so shocked about it that I immediately sent a snap of my shocked face to my internet best friend, explaining the situation without showing what I had just done.

Tribal scars that have nothing to do with my story [Photo by Trevor Cole on Unsplash]

I knew it would take forever to start bleeding and that I would have to wait until it was finished bleeding before I could go and have my shower. I waited. I sat and wondered why I had done what I had done. I looked at my breasts and realised that they would have a horrible scar on them forever.

I know what this scar means to me, I can point to the trauma that led up to me no longer feeling like I had a way out of this mess, but it still shocks me that I did this to myself.

It's been a month, my scar is thick, red, throbbing and itchy. Nobody would think that I have these type of scars, but they're there and they're there to stay, too.

Hopefully my scar will fade over time and also flatten, it is not aesthetically pleasing at the moment and I will have a hard time explaining it too.

I'm not proud of this, but as stupid as this sounds, it's kept me occupied. Dealing with a wound like this takes up your time and energy. It's taken my mind off of things. Despite me being shocked about what I had done, the mental clarity I experienced in the few minutes after the cut were a much needed break from reality.

[Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash]

If you've read all of this, thank you. I know that non-cutters cannot understand what it feels like to cut, and this is the reason why I will remove all hurtful comments below this post. I know that cutting isn't a good thing to be doing - trust me, almost all cutters do. Shaming our actions are not going to make us feel better though.

I truly hope that you learned something from this and were able to take away that relapsing is so horrible on its own already that additional judgement from others feels overwhelming.

[303savedmylife]

I wish I could wrap my head around this and say something useful. I use my own unhealthy coping strategies to get through so it would probably end up being bad advice anyway... But if you need venting or something, feel free to dm, I don't know if I can be of any help but I will curse the heavens with you no questions asked. Take care.

[tallandsweet]

Thannk you so much for offering, that's really sweet. I didn't write this to get attention, all I wanted was to share what this felt like as it is a topic few people talk about, especially because for many, one addiction seamlessly converts to another addiction.
Then, "relapsing" may refer to overdrinking, taking drugs etc.
I didn't want to go down that path, so I stopped. I understand what you mean by using unhealthy coping strategies. I just haven't found anything yet that helps me as much as cutting does. Those few minutes of clarity help me more than counselling or talking to friends could. That's frustrating, but I'll find a way!

[303savedmylife]

Related to relapse at first too, but then didn't want to go there either, the only thing I can relate to is the definition of the word. I know you're not seeking attention, you did something pretty ballsy by opening up like that and it probably took big some steps to get here. I respect that a lot actually. Felt like I should offer to chat just in case you might need it after reading that. But you're right, this should be addressed more often publicly, it's one of those trauma responses people rather not know about. Just judging by your words you might be closer in finding that strategy than expected. I don't know where you are coming from of course, but I hope your close at least.

[tallandsweet]

I would love to be close to finding a new strategy :)

[spartan55]

Wow, much respect for sharing under your real username. So many gutless reposting pink anons ruining this forum.
Wow, that was hard to read. Do you honestly feel better after you cut? Or worse?

[tallandsweet]

Yeah, I get it though, people can be crazy rude on here when they don't know you.
What's funny is that some people I respected at the time wrote absolutely bizarre and rude comments under my posts, I knew who I had to get rid of then!
Yeah, I feel better for a brief time, then I feel worse for the action itself and then I try to move on again because there's no point in being angry at myself. That just makes me feel even worse, so I try to accept what I did and move on :)

[spartan55]

Thanks for the MHO!

[tallandsweet]

You're very welcome :)

[Edanurus]

Ah self harm, the most stupid, unhelpful thing you can do.

Now you might think that the last sentence is from someone who doesn't understand and being judgmental but that's not the case.

For me my self harm was to hit things, brick wall, telephone post anything I knew could take it without breaking things. A few years ago I finally did it, broke my hand so bad that it will never heal. I got so much shit for it, people taking the piss calling me "stupid" for what I did.

I don't need to know the reason for you cutting, that is moot because I know that it's a crutch to lean on. It's a way of coping not resolution. Like my bulimic friend I disagree with what you are doing but understand that condemnation is not the way you go about it.

Ah I'm sure you've heard all this before and I dont mean to preach but self harm is exactly that you are only hurting yourself. It is a release for sure but it's the same as getting drunk or high. And like me it only takes one time to go too far and do something you have to live with the rest of your life.

Chin up lass, it's about you not what others might think.

[oualid22]

I think that what you are doing to yourself, you need to start doing it to what is harming you deep inside, and let me tell you something I was in a certain time of my life really down and thought numerous times of giving up in life not in a suicidal way but like in a depression staying in bed and doing nothing all day long way, I was at the edge of the darkness pool, and then out of nowhere I here about a method that helped me a lot which is dopamine fasting , and basically it is a day away from everything and everyone, no alcohol or drugs taken through out the day , and you just take a notebook and a pen and write whatever passes through and unconsciously you'll start writing about your deep problems and what's keeping you down

[tallandsweet]

Okay, that's an interesting concept, thank you :)

[420Rachel]

Damn I really hate to hear this. I hate thinking about someone being in so much pain that they'd rather hurt themselves physically than to feel that emotional pain. I cut my arms up real good one time as my ex and I had gotten into a really bad fight and it made me feel like he didn't care about me and I was extremely emotionally distraught. It was a stupid thing for me to do and now I will bear these scars on my arms forever. I'm better now after seperating from him. I hope that you are able to find your peace and don't feel the need to do this to yourself any more. If you ever feel like you may want to talk feel free to message me. Peace and love. ❤️

[Oboemaster27]

I've never personally cut, but I've seen the effects of what it looks like. Sure, it isn't great for you but if it's what helps the most right now do it if absolutely necessary. I suffer from bad anxiety so if I get overly sad, nervous, or scared i get chest pains and cry in a ball uncontrollably feeling as if i can't breathe when i can. It's awful but it has helped me a lot in venting it all out sometimes. And i have really good friends for moral support. I wish you the best of luck with all of this and hope that you'll find a safer healthier way of venting that you find more effective and enjoyable.

[DreamCatchcer]

Share your pain with some one. That person would need to understand your situation. Hopefully that person would drop what he is doing and talk to you. Maybe wrap his arms around you and comfort you until the urge to cut passes.

Maybe see a doctor. You mentioned anxiety. The doctor could give you something to lessen it.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your advice. I will try to talk about it with someone else I feel closer to today - I mentioned in this take (https://www. girlsaskguys. com/dating/a63662-mistakes-i-made-when-meeting-someone-i-only-knew-for-two-days-three#new) that I told the guy I met yesterday about me cutting, but that was a first meet-up and I didn't expect him to understand or care, I just felt like venting to someone I don't know personally.

[DreamCatchcer]

Please hang in hang in. Do the best you can not to harm your self

[havingfun101]

Hobbies: you don't seem to have any. Parkour, gymnastics and martial arts provide me with adrenaline and something to do, outside of my more intellectual pursuits. I've also taken up dancing lately; I'd advise that whenever you're stressed, do a little dance step and see how you feel. YouTube has a plethora of tutorials for your amusement and dancing in the moment will offer you long term insulation from pain in the long run. This lady is bringing it & integrates many styles: https://youtu. be/3zuDd9PsoK4? list=PLqoR6x_145NJsfvb6kLcbE23neAMqUEod

[havingfun101]

Edit: hyperlink didn't work... Get Dance Channel
https://www.youtube.com/c/GetDance

[tallandsweet]

Thanks for the advice :)

[havingfun101]

by the way if happy feet isn't dark enough, try spanking. Right now you're on semi-permanent withdrawals, but overdosing would be better for you. A short, flexible riding crop, a switch or a hair brush will do the job and if you do so while flipping the bean, your body will start to cross associate pleasure and pain & you'll eventually realize that there's love in it... allowing you to eventually grow to treasure your own body. There's a risk of blisters if you don't have special skin care & bruising or nerve damage, if you go too far, so the danger element is still there.

[KingdomForAKiss]

At one point in my life, I engaged in some self-harm when I was deeply hurting. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. That's a tough cycle to break. No judgement at all. Have you looked into counseling?

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your sweet response. Yes, I've been in therapy for more than 10 years now :) (mainly because of my autism).

[Jjpayne]

Thank you for your bold honesty! I do hope you are getting help for this as you need it! You are a very precious girl and I want to see you safe and knowing that you are loved

[tallandsweet]

Thank you :) that's very kind.

[Jjpayne]

You are welcome!

But It is the truth! You are simply a wonderful and beautiful person and I hope you know that!

[tallandsweet]

Aww, yeah, I was told that I am multiple times today but to be honest, I can't really believe that. Maybe one day.

[Jjpayne]

I do hope you find that person, in person to tell you that. Because it's not just mere words and I hope you find that out soon. :)

[Sparda20xx]

I'm sorry that you had a relapse. I'm not a cutter, but I do know about relapse. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to message me. I'm available. And no this isn't pity. Just one struggling person reaching out to another person.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you, that really means a lot, I also didn't take it as pity. Relapsing really is hard, I'm just glad that for me personally it only means cutting again.

[Marcuslrh]

A think you need a better way to pass your time and help with your situation you should do yoga and meditations am sure that should help you a lot more than risking your life has helped me

[Lynx122]

This was definitely not that easy to read, but good luck with your struggles.

[Anonymous]

I used to cut , well not too much. mostly just to kill myself then to just cutting. but one-day for no specific reason , after I did it , I decided that I deserve better and that in reality I don't want to die. I didn't cut for years now and I don't think that I will

[tallandsweet]

I'm proud of you. I know it's hard to break the cycle. Keep strong!

[mrgspoter]

Yeah I know the feeling I like pain for it takes my mind away from things, I'm not sure what to say to this makes me feel sad you scar your self to feel better

[tallandsweet]

you don't have to say anything to make me feel better, I wouldn't have written this if I wasn't stable enough.

[mrgspoter]

I'm not

[nodnol32]

Thanks for sharing. Definitely eye opening. Hope you're well.

[knight2468]

I can’t understand your feeling because I don’t feel I need to cut myself to relieve my pain but are u consider other ways make another person spank u or something may this help

[Anonymous]

The decision to post this under your real username deserves great appreciation👏👏👏. I don't know much about physical self-harm, but as someone who's familiar with fighting the demons within, I can honestly say that you're an inspiration

[tallandsweet]

Thank you :) I appreciate the kind words and want to wish you all the strength you can possibly feel today.

[Pulseofsulfur]

If you need a buddy that you can vent just message me or something

[Avicenna]

Wie, what a Journey. Thanks for sharing.