How can I recover from narcisstic abuse😕 ?

[Anonymous]

I know I desperately need therapy , but i can't afford it. I have looked online and it is helpful on some level, but I feel I need a someone to confide in who understands ☹️

[Anonymous]

Time will if nothing else dull the pain if not heal the damage but what requires work and what needs doing is that you must learn to validate yourself so that you are not vulnerable to exploitation through your dependence on external validation.

That is all about being a kind and supportive companion to yourself etc.

Self love.

[Asker]

Thank you. Just now I have zero self-esteem and went through a phase of self-loathing. It's so hard to heal 😕

[Opinion Owner]

Well, right now you are probably reeling, your whole perception of reality has been twisted and then your world turned upside down.

None of that stuff was real, that wasn't a real person you were with and you can't try to make sense of things like they were.

They are kind of like vampires I suppose, but less cool. They have to feed on other people, they are compelled like a moth to the flame.

It wasn't personal, you just happened to be in the wrong place at the right time.

At least you know you aren't an asshole, because narcissists can't feed off people who have nothing to give, you just need to work on your defences so that you aren't giving your cares away to people who dont deserve them.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. That's was very helpful.

I had no idea about the cycles of narcissist behavior and abuse until recently. I wish I'd known before I'd met him, then I would have seen the early signs.

I take responsibility for allowing it to happen, because I never set any boundaries with him. I have been through countless of cycles of love-bombing, gaslighting , manipulation, devaluing, the silent treatment, ghosting and disguarding by him. Every time he came back in my ife , I forgave him. I'm an empath , but my mistake was forgiving him and letting him back in my life because I felt guilty if I was to ignore him.

Whe I first met him, there was subtle red flags that I picked up on, but I never once thought he was a narcissist. But now i know he has all the traits of a covert narcissists. I kept overlooking the red flags because I wanted to give him a chance to get to know him and I thought maybe I was wrong about the red flags.

I now know the person I cared for so deeply doesn't exist. It was his fake persona 😕 I keep telling myself the person he is really is the abuse cruel person. But I'm struggling because I know he was drawn to me because of my personality. So he knew he could easily hurt and manipulate me.

[Asker]

Abusive **

[Opinion Owner]

Quote: I keep telling myself the person he is really is the abuse cruel person.

Yeah, that's kind of true, its certainly more true than the person you loved but as I say I don't think that you can understand what a narcissist is all the time you are trying to understand them as though they are a person like you are a person.

They are not people making choices and doing things because they want to do them.

They are more like a fire, fire isn't choosing where it goes and it isn't causing harm and destruction because it wants to or because it gets something out of it, fire simply goes where it can survive and that is all there is to it.

Inside a narcissist at the very core under layer upon layer of false and sometimes hastily constructed false egos there is an extremely under developed being that only feels pain, that is only capable of acting emotionally and everything that a narcissist does, everything they seem to be is 100%, literally laser focused on trying to stop the pain, trying to deflect it, trying to ignore it.

You were / are vulnerable to 'attack' because you do not sufficently validate yourself, a narcissist absolutely cannot validate themselves.

Having this sort of 'hole' inside your soul is very very common and people try to fill it with all sorts of things, money, drugs, food, attention, shopping, sex, whatever.

[Opinion Owner]

The narcissist is completely incapable of choosing whether or not they attempt to control these impulses because where you have a conscious mind that can try to make better choices and exercise self control, that option simply doesn't exist for the narcissist because what appears to be a person like you are a person is an illusion, it is a construction created to allow it to act in the world as though it were a person but it can and will change with the wind, it has no substance. Another way of thinking about it would be to imagine that you were on fire, you would not be capable of making informed rational choices if you were burning, you just do whatever you do in a mad panic trying to do anything you can to not be on fire.

So I dont think it is correct to think this happened for some reason, other than it was possible because you didn't defend yourself, there was no choice being made here, it wasn't personal and it wasn't a person being cruel to you, its much more like as i say a fire or a volcano exploding, there is no point being hurt or angry that it happened, you can't reason with it, all you could have done is get the fucking hell out of the way and probably next time you will do.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. That's helped me to reflect on things a lot. I really appreciate you taking the time to give a genuine detailed response. It all makes sense what you've said.
All my life I've always tried to help and heal people. It's strange how when it comes to myself, I struggle with it.

I don't have contact with him now. The last contact I had was when we arranged to meet and the he ghosted me. I messaged him , not to ask where her was, just checking he was OK, because I was genuinely worried something had happened to him. He read my message, but just gave me the silent treatment. He has disguarded me for good this time. I know I should be thankful because it means he's out of my life for good, but it's still very painful and I miss the person i thought he was.

Thats a great way to look at him. As if he is an out of control fire. Every time I have negative thoughts and blame myself i am going to reflect on what you've said. Thank you again. Your advice has been been more helpful than anything I've read online.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to recover from narcisstic abuse, you need to recover from the effects of it. But, you haven't said what those are.

[Asker]

I've developed zero self-esteem and i feel mentally and physically drained and I feel. emotionally destroyed ☹️ I'm not the person I used to be and don't know how to move past the pain inside ☹️

[Opinion Owner]

Ok - good, that's a start. Do you want to know a secret about therapy? All it really is, is gradual improvement, kind of the way a bucket fills up drop by drop. Just don't worry that the bucket is empty. Find one little thing to do today that makes you feel good, or used to make you feel good, and makes you forget the void that person left. Then drop by drop, you'll gradually get better.

[Asker]

That's a gret analogy. Thank you.

[notxing]

I went through a narcissist partner before.. oh man not easy. One of the best things I did was delete every picture of us and her friend/family members on social media. I mean everything so they cannot contact you at all. Become a "gray rock". And try to be as gentle on your self as possible.

The dreams oh man the dreams. Use a dream interpretation to try and figure out what they mean. Time does heal all... but it will take time.

If you have any more questions just ask me.

[Asker]

I was reading about the gray rock method. I'm struggling to cut all ties, because I work with him too and I'm worried in case he turns my work colleagues against me. I just don't know where to start to start healing ☹️

[notxing]

When you are around him just become so boring and dull. It is hard I was lucky to be able to cut ties like that. The mask falls off and the narcissist is almost animalistic. Just calm yet boring interactions. Closed ended answers like how are you" iam good". What have you been up to. " Nothing much"

[Asker]

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear that you're going through that dear. You should also try praying. God brought me through many crazy and traumatic experiences, and I'm sure he'll help u too. Other than what people suggested, it's hard to give any other new recommendations.

[Asker]

Thank you very much. I appreciate it

[Anonymous]

Do you live in the USA? If so, mental health services are available for free, with or without insurance. Depending where you live, it may take a while to get in. Have you looked on line to see if there are any groups near you that deal with that? You can also call your local or county Health Dept to see if they can help.

[Asker]

I live in the UK. We have the NHS but there isn't really any good professionals that deal with narcisstic abuse and trauma. I have looked into more local private therapy l, but they are so expensive. I have been looking online and have found some very helpful advice, but I feel I need someone to confide in who understands

[Opinion Owner]

I get it. Can't help you with that since I've cut anyone like that out of my life long ago. I hope you can find some support.

[Asker]

Thank you. I appreciate it

[Anemone978]

Maybe try an anxiety pill just so you can start feeling a bit better. Obviously you will still need therapy but for the time being it could help.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Guy13]

Narcissist support group and your zip code Search. Some are free.

[Asker]

I'll try that. Thank you

[Guy13]

Sure. Be safe !

[Asker]

Thanks

[Anonymous]

HAve you considered therapy?

[Asker]

I know I desperately need therapy , but I can't afford it right now

[Opinion Owner]

Look around, you can find therapy at cheaper rates. You can also find lots of info online.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Opinion Owner]

You're welcome.