The age old question... How to work with emotionally distant men?

[Anonymous]

I am a 22 year old student in my final year of a finance degree, and a committed athlete. He is a 30 year old fitness manager and athlete. We have been dating for about 4 months now, and neither of us want to share our feelings. It may have been my fault as I said I couldn't exactly introduce him to my parents, that I see myself doing a lot of traveling after the completion of my degree. Basically that it couldn't be anything serious. We called it off two months in but saw each other a few days later and everything was back to normal. We don't have a 'title'. Recently I went to hospital for an op that doesn't allow me to have sex for a few weeks, upon telling him he was comforting the day before and still wishes to see me during the 'no sex' time. I feel this means he has feelings for me. My question is how do I approach this to make it a further deeper connection? Or so we can freely express our feelings.

[TKoz93]

I feel that guys who do the whole emotionally distant/unavailable thing are basically doing it as a pre-emptive counter to what they perceive to be a girl's whole not sexually ready/comfortable yet thing. For some reason, after the sex, all of a sudden they start contacting you more often, they start calling and texting more, they actually make plans to see you more than once a week, they're looking forward to changing their relationship status of Facebook, and they're totally cool with being exclusive. I dunno, something tells me it's not just some freak coincidence, but that's just me lol.

Don't rush or go ape sh*t anal on guys like this. Just take it easy and be casual, and by casual, I just mean by relaxed. If he wants to call you, that's fine. If he doesn't feel like talking, then just assume he's tired or busy. Just be someone cool he enjoys hanging out with and talking to, and also feels a sexual attraction towards. If being with you is easy and effortless, he's not going anywhere. If being with you is like a full-time job, he's going to think "f*** that" and run away. Now is not the time to even hint at setting any kind of rules or structure for him to follow. Just keep doing what you're doing, let things just flow naturally, don't force yourself to push the gas or slam the breaks on anything. If you feel like doing something, just do it. If you're not really feeling like doing something, then don't force yourself to do it.

Think of the temporary period when a guy like this is emotionally distant as one huge prolonged testing period. He doesn't consciously know it, but he's actually testing you. If you start acting bat-sh*t crazy and start harassing him for more commitment or seriousness to the relationship that "you want," then you can pretty much kiss all that goodbye. He also just wants to see that you're real and genuine. Just keep things going naturally and normally and you guys will re-establish that connection and you'll both agree on a title in due time.

Just be mindful of when your brain is going on auto-pilot, and stop it. Catch yourself before you go off on rants or behavior that's basically aimed at showing off to him or trying to impress him or stand out from other girls. Also, if you catch your ego trying to masturbate and stroke itself, stop it. He doesn't need to hear that you have plans to travel after you complete your degree, and that you can't date because you're just that serious about your life and travel and education and work. He's not going to feel that warm feeling in his chest by thinking of you as some generic stereotypical female character on some cheesy Bravo! TV or Oprah Winfrey Network show. So, catch yourself and stop it before you come off that way to him. It's hard, because we don't always do things like that intentionally, it's habit, or just unconscious. But just be aware of it and cut it out before you end up shooting yourself in the foot.

[Asker]

Awesome and insightful answer, and I completely agree with you. I may have already shot myself in the foot, getting to know one another I guess I spoke too much of my goals and such. I learnt my lesson. But may have made him hold his guard up for longer/ made him remain distant. Perhaps time is the healer.

[blackkid4]

Depends on your goals. First assess whether or not you wish to actually travel, etc. after your degree and if he's welcome along. If not, then don't bother, because you will just be setting yourself up for a greater difficulty. From the sounds of it if you want to invest into this person you should probably just slowly peel away both your layers and his by either making it easy through conventional conversation where you share a fact and he does the same over time, or through a game specifically designed to get through to the core.

[Anonymous]

Your question title and the rest aren't the same thing at all, I don't think you know what you want with him, so if I were you I'd answer that question first. Because wanting a deeper relationship means investing yourself into him and his life and that it's built to last, not to get thrown out of the window once you are done with your degree.

[rabbit3891]

Just set up a date or whatever, time to hang out alone, and bring it up. Tell him that you want to know how he feels. It's as easy as that.