Is it OK to tell your girlfriend to lose weight?

[iPood]

My friend is upset at her boyfriend because he told her she needs to lose some weight.

She has gained some weight in the past year (about 20-30 pounds) and is now definitely overweight. This is not the first time someone has brought up her weight and tried to help her. When she first started complaining about it months ago, I started inviting her for walks or to the gym with me and started ordering healthy things only when we went out to eat together. She never really wanted to exercise with me and it seemed like she just wanted to complain about her weight without doing anything to change it so I gave up. Her boyfriend had not really mentioned it directly before but he has said things like suggesting she get a gym membership or that she doesn't need anymore cookies (both of these are true). He is a pretty fit guy himself and it's understandable that he would want a girlfriend that is the same. every time he mentioned it, my friend would get pissed and tell him to stop talking about it and then complain to me about it.

Yesterday he sat her down and straight up told her that she was entering an unnattractive weight range and that he would be turned off if she continued to get bigger because he thought their lifestyles would be too different. He offered to get her a gym membership and train her and show her how to eat (he already keeps sweets out of the house unless my friend buys them). My friend flipped out and started screaming and yelling at him. I understand because I'm sure she was really embarassed and ashamed. She came over to my house and started complaining again and said boyfriends have no right to critisize their gf's weight and men should have no say. If they are in a relationship he should just love her no matter how big or small she gets.

Now, that is what I disagree with. If I got in a relationship with a fit guy who proceeded to gain 50 pounds I would be turned off and say something for sure. The only exception to me is a medical issue or pregnancy (only temporary. Women who had a baby 5 years ago and still weigh 200 pounds cannot use that as an excuse). If my SO gained a lot of weight I would say something as kindly as possible and try to help them lose weight. If they refused or didn't lose wieght, I probably would leave them.

What is your take on this? Should men really not have any say in their gf/wife's weight? Guys, have you ever commented on your SO's weight? How did it go over?

Has anyone ever dumped someone over their weight?

[xHoneyxBeex]

If he said it in a helpful, understanding, and kind way, then I don't see a problem with it. Obviously, he is going to lose sexual attraction to her if she keeps gaining weight. I don't think that's his fault, I think anyone would feel that way if they began dating someone and that person kept steadily gaining weight.

He has every right to feel this way and it's totally understandable. She is really overreacting and needs to chill out. She needs to either take her boyfriend's advice and lose weight -or- break up with him since he prefer's her at a certain weight and she doesn't want to work out or eat healthy.

Personally, I would get VERY annoyed if I had someone constantly complaining to me about their weight yet they were too lazy to actually do something about it and put in the effort to try to lose weight. It sounds to me like her boyfriend was only looking out for her best interests as well as being honest about his own feelings regarding her weight. It doesn't seem to me like he was trying to put her down or anything.

She can't use the excuse that he should "still love her regardless of how big or small she is." Because, like I said, that's just an excuse for her to not get in shape. He's healthy and fit, why would he want his girlfriend to be unhealthy and overweight?

I mean, yes, it's still HER body and ultimately, she does have a choice in her own weight. However, she can't expect her boyfriend to not have an opinion. At least he was honest with her and offered to help her with it. So, she shouldn't have gotten so angry in my opinion. And if she doesn't do anything about it and he does decide to break up with her, she shouldn't complain about that either. If she doesn't want to work out and get in shape then she doesn't have to, she should just realize that their relationship may not work out because they are two different people who view health differently and have different lifestyles.

[Prof_Don]

I concur...just she shouldn't be shocked or mortified if her boyfriend leaves her because he lost attraction to her

[lumos]

I don't think it was necessary of him to straight up tell her that he'll find her unattractive if she gains any more weight. That's just rude. I understand that it might happen, I'm fully aware of that since I myself would probably lose a lot of attraction if I was in his shoes, but it was just an unnecessary thing to say. So, that being said, I completely understand why she got so mad. But, then again, how many times do people have to tell her that she needs to lose weight for her to actually start working out?

I think she needs more help. She needs a consistent schedule to help her keep on track. Her boyfriend is doing a good job by not getting sweets, but more needs to be done. Don't attack her by saying that she'll be ugly or unattractive if she doesn't start losing weight, show some genuine concern for her well being and health. Be more serious about working out with her. Help her eat healthier food. Maybe even suggest a personal trainer?

But, there's only so much you can do. Her body and what she decides to do with it is ultimately not your responsibility. If she's unwilling to do any work herself, she's the one to blame for it. You can't force her to be healthy and work out, but then again, if she doesn't react to any of your "complaints" or words of concern, it shows poor character. I wouldn't judge her boyfriend for dumping her if she had such a bad lifestyle like that, and no self-control.

[lilstrwberygal]

How is it "poor" character? Maybe she doesn't want to lose weight, or it's not important to her. Just because her boyfriend and this chick asking the question seem to be fitness fanatics, doesn't mean the girl has to be. I could see if we were talking about morbid obesity, but if the girl is 20 pounds over weight and doesn't care enough to change it then its her bloody body!

[lumos]

Of course she has the right to do whatever she wants, but if she doesn't even take these things into consideration, I think it does show poor character, yes. And what if she doesn't stop gaining weight? What if she refuses to exercise and eat healthy just because she doesn't want to? Her health would be at risk. Being unhealthy like that, when it's so easy to change, does show poor character.

[Drooogie4]

Yes. People need to get over it. If you're fat, you're fat and should take care of it.

He sounded like he was as kind as possible about it for a while there, and gaining unhealthy amounts and proceeding to be offended when others notice... doesn't make sense.

I bet she wouldn't like if he got huge on her either.

[Prof_Don]

precisely

[Bob5555]

I've had the same exact problem in the past. I tried to be nice about it. I would go with her to try to work out but she simply didn't want to put in the effort to keep her appearance appealing to me. I felt like crap for having to tell her but it was so obvious because I was never in the mood to have sex anymore and she kept grinding away at it until I finally just told her. I know there's the whole notion of sticking with someone you love through thick and thin but what does it say about the girl's love for you if she's not willing to put in the effort to please you as well. Relationships are supposed to be about compromise and WANTING to please and be appealing to your partner. It's not fair to not put in the effort and expect the other person to stick around and feel the same about you.

[aGuy21]

Number one thing is to be supportive of her and be patient. Wanting to train her to loose way comes off as offensive and not supportive in anyway. I know he believes he is supporting her, but she doesn't see it that way. He might also feel hurt, in that she doesn't want to take the effort to make herself look better for him. It's also hard to be with someone who has so little self-worth or has self-esteem issues.

[LenaMunter]

I’m not a fan of tip-toeing around weight issues, at all. In a relationship, it’s important that both partners find each other attractive and for the overwhelming majority of people, this is connected to their bodies. I’m actually a fan of talking openly about what both of you find attractive and if you’re close you can also tell your partner what you don’t like about them.

For example, I would be very upset if I gained some weight and my boyfriend didn’t tell me that he doesn’t like how it looks. We both have a right to voice our opinions. If I notice him slacking off, I will definitely let him know, too.

[ConnieS]

No, it's not ok. I'm sure she already knows she needs to lose weight (if she's obese - because nobody is fat! People have fat, they're not fat! That's just name-calling.)
Telling someone something they already know doesn't help: "Oh, really? Ya don't say! Gee, I never would have thought of that on my own." (She says sarcastically.) :-))

If you're with someone who only likes you because of how you look, you might not want to have them as a significant person in your life. Nobody needs judgmental, superficial, shallow people in their life. ;)

[Troian]

There is a way to say it but I think a guy should tell his girlfriend when it's necessary. I know that I like my body the way it is and if I begin to gain weight, my boyfriend would probably tell me. I know I gain a little weight lately and we both decided to eat healthier and to begin running together. At some point it's a matter of weight.
It's still a sensitive subject, a friend of mind has been told by her boyfriend to slow down on the food and that she was getting too big (honestly she looks good). She has always been really self conscience about her body and now she's even scared to be naked in front of him.
So yes, it's okay to tell your girlfriend but you have to find the right way to say it

[lilstrwberygal]

I think what it comes down to is he has a right to want her to lose weight and she has a right to no lose weight. At the end of the day it is HER body, and it's not her job to shape it in away that is appeasing to him. If he likes it he likes it, if not then oh well. At the end of the day he shouldn't be expecting her to change, he should either accept her for who she is or move on, point blank. It's not his job to "fix" her. Its one thing to mention it in a supportive way, but when he starts giving ultimatums he's crossed a line.

[Prof_Don]

Her gaining a significant amount of weight is HER changing

[lilstrwberygal]

I didn't say she couldn't change, I said she shouldn't HAVE to change; as in, her boyfriend has no right to expect her to lose weight, he can only be honest with her about his feelings towards the change and if he doesn't like it then he can leave. I think at the end of the day we can only be responsible for ourselves and we should be expected to do something for someone else's sake in less we want to.

[lilstrwberygal]

I guess what I'm saying is its fine to dump someone for ANY reason, because you have a right to be with who you want to be with. I think he should be with the girl he wants to be with and if he wants a fit girl and she's not then he can break up with him, but the girl has a right to be whatever weight she wants to be as well and be with someone who is OK with that.

[celestialdaeva]

There are stages of change. They go Precontemplation -> Contemplation -> Preparation -> Action -> Maintenance, and at any time someone can experience a relapse.

Precontemplation - Person doesn't even think about the problem because they don't even recognize it

Contemplation - Person thinks about the problem and the impact it makes on their life

Preparation - Person prepares to make changes. Could be actually setting things up, but a lot of this is getting geared up mentally.

Action - Person starts making changes

Maintenance - Person continues with changes

You people are trying to skip steps. It doesn't work that way. She's in the contemplation stage and has to work through the preparation stage before she'll be ready to take action. You guys trying to force her to move quicker than she is can make her stall or even go backwards. Just be supportive, not pushy.

[seragrace]

the whole situation really depends on so many things. I'm all about female empowerment whether you are thin or large, but if it's not how you naturally are and it's causing you visible health problems, someone should speak up. Additionally if all you do is complain about your weight, there are so many easy thing to do to control it! Maybe in this scenario, the SO didn't go about it the right way because it is a fragile issue, but a loved one should always be able to say something, especially if one's health is at risk

[Anonymous]

There should come a time when he should be more attracted to her personality, not her figure. The weight should have little impact on their actual relationship. If he's basically saying she's ugly and that's why he'd leave her if she didn't stop gaining weight, she has every right to be mad. However, if he's doing it because he's actually concerned for her health, that's a different story.

It sounds like they need to sit down and have a talk about it, preferably without her flipping out until she knows exactly what he's thinking.

[Anonymous]

You're in a relationship ffs, couples shouldn't be offended by truths like this. If I was to gain a heck ton of weight i'd actually wish my boyfriend could sit me down and tell me about it and also motivate me to lose weight and exercise more. In your friend's case, her boyfriend sat down with her and talked to her, it's not like he straight up said "lol lose weight ur fat"

[Prof_Don]

I say it is if it really is a concern of him beginning to lose attraction to her.

I truly believe both partners have an obligation to make themselves look attractive to their partner...whoever says this is an unrealistic demand is living a pipe dream.

[iamstayinganonymous]

She could think of it this way: it is better for him to be honest and say it to her face rather than cheat on her or break up with her out of the blue when he meets someone more attractive. Girls and guys should both be honest and say something to the other in situations like this

[somethingwitty]

Your significant other is meant to take care of you and care about you...why shouldn't he tell her she should try and lose weight? As long as he said it in an encouraging way and not in a derogatory way, there's nothing wrong with at all.

[celestialdaeva]

Yeah but on that note, "you need to lose weight because you aren't attractive enough anymore" is very different than "you need to lose weight because your doctor said if you don't, you are very likely to have a heart attack". I hate when people hide shallow motives under the "concerned for health" mask. If the girl is average size, 30 pounds doesn't suddenly give her serious health risks she didn't already have.

[somethingwitty]

I never said using health concerns as a mask. I said it's the way you say it. There's a difference between "lose weight fat bitch or I'll leave you." That's verbal abuse. Saying "I've noticed you've put on some weight, why don't we try eating right? We can start going to the gym together." And actually every pound you put on will put more stress on your heart. 30 pounds is a lot to gain, it's hard to loseweight once you've gained a significant amount like 30. It just gets harder. Thanks anyway.

[Luvsmybabydoll]

He is expressing how he feels openly honestly which is a good thing, but you should do the same she is lucky to have a caring friend like you! But is this a recuring problem or since her pregnancy because there might be other issues at play here

[Anonymous]

It sounds like suicide to me, telling your girlfriend that. Rather or not it's OK really doesn't matter, it's simply a bad idea, regardless of rather or not you were trying to help.

[iPood]

yeah I agree with that. 99% of girls won't take it well if their boyfriend asks them to lose weight

[TheBellyRolls]

I am definitely chubby. Maybe a little overweight. I love my body. But I would never let it get that out of control. She should lose the weight.

[Baconhair]

I think it's alright, it really shows how much the other person actually values your relationship, and the lengths they would go to for both of your sake.

The reverse would also be 100% fine.

[Yeahhbro]

Off course, it is for her own good and also well he might find somebody else who isn't fat or takes care of herself.

[Jonny_]

Pretty shallow if you ask me, obviously you don't really like someone if the fact they've gained a little weight is a big issue... seriously 20/30lbs isn't much of a gain.

[iPood]

on a 5' woman, 20 pounds can make her look completely different...

[Jonny_]

It's noticeable, but it's not like she's now 30 stone... I'd hope it wouldn't bother me or a girl for that matter since I've gained weight in the last year and it's more than 20/30lbs.

[somethingwitty]

...you're very fat girls dream guy then lol

[Jonny_]

I wouldn't say that, I do date average size girls... If they gained a couple stones though I'd not blow a gasket over it though. I don't go out of my way to find plus size girls, although if I like a girl who is larger it won't stop me liking her.

[somethingwitty]

If they're averaged sized, 20-30 pounds will make a major difference. Even give pounds you'll notice if they're slender.

[Jonny_]

As I said, it'll be noticeable... it wouldn't be major, put it this way I weighed about 9 1/2 stone at summer, and went up to 13 stone, people noticed but no one even considered me to be fat and that's almost 50lbs difference. Even if I was considered slim it didn't make a huge difference in my overall appearance. I'd be hypocritical to say I'd judge someone I was dating for gaining a similar amount of weight.

[Prof_Don]

If attraction is lost, feelings can and will fade.

[Malita55]

If they are overweight/underweight to the point that it is unhealthy, i would say something

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend is asking me to do this right now.
i am currently 5 foot 9 (1.7 meters) and 130 lbs (59 kg).
I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

The messenger is always shot. He should have gotten someone else to tell her.

[Bob5555]

sounds like she had plenty of people telling her but she didn't care enough to try to fix it. 20-30 lbs is a big jump in weight