Is my mother emotionally abusive?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how to put all of this on here.

I'm just graduated from college and JUST got my first job. Living at home has been SO rough.. not to mention I think my mom has a problem.

I'll be moving out soon... thank goodness. I just wish we could have a good relationship.

In regards to her eating issues. She likes to look at my plate and tries to make sure she is eating less than me. She starves herself throughout the day and binges at dinner. She complains about losing weight and says she never has an appetite. I told her I was here for her if she wanted to talk and she told me that she's just under stress from Christmas... she's been "stressed" about something for the last 3 years. The other day she had a hard boiled egg for breakfast, 1/2 of an English muffin with cheese for lunch and then ate a few bites of the inside of a potato, ate some red meat and two bites of her salad for dinner. I'm so convinced she has an eating disorder. It has been awful to watch. She cuts her food into tiny pieces, she looks at what I am eating, she looks at her food and says "oh there is no way I can eat all that!"

She's very manipulative too. She'll look at my food and tell me there is no way she can eat that much. She takes bites and then pushes her food around like no one notices. Or she hold it on her fork and pretend like she's listening when you're talking... or she'll drink more wine.

She drinks A LOT of wine. I think she goes to bed practically drunk every night. At least in my opinion. She starts at 5 pm every day and has had at least one or 2 by dinner at 7. Then she drinks 1-2 per hour til 11 pm. drinking problem? I think so!

As for me. I am almost 24 years old and thank god I will be moving out soon. I wanted to stay here to save money, but I really just... think that would be bad. Tonight was my hospital department's party. My dad works in the same department and isn't going because we have to work tomorrow. She refused to let me go because it was "far" and it is "dark" out. It's 25 min away on the freeway and like 3 turns off of the freeway too! I looked it up. She loves to control me and my life. People at work were horrified when I said my mom was upset because I wanted to go to my own party! I should have gone.

I truly think she is manipulative and abusive though. Luckily, I can see it. Tonight she asked my dad at the table why my dad always defends me and why I never fight with my dad. I said he didn't elicit these types of problems with me. Tonight, he said he wasn't thrilled about me driving there alone and said not to drink and drive... that was the end of the discussion? my mom? she had to badger me over and over again about how she's been and how it isn't that great and that I'm wasting my time.

I kind of feel abused at this point. I'm almost 24, I pay my own gas, I buy my own groceries when there aren't things here to eat. I don't have a car payment anymore. I feel trapped in my house. Now she's telling me I can't move out right away. Help?

Yes

No

This is something else (explain)

[alchemy12]

Based on your description, I don't think there's enough here to constitute a judgment of "abuse" but it certainly sounds dysfunctional. She sounds like she's going through a hard time: depressed, medicating with alcohol and perhaps an eating disorder as well. It also sounds like she's trying to maintain control over you and that's why she's doing these manipulative things that sound irrational to others (because they are). I can't say why she is trying to do that. Your comment about how she's saying you can't move out right away make me think she fears you leaving her and so she's trying desperately with her irrational mind to do anything she can to get you to stay. But I don't know, it's hard to say because I don't know you both.

The bottom line is she probably needs professional treatment for all 3 conditions that you can't provide. You've got your own life to build at 23 and she can't make you stay. Sounds like she's really draining and obstructing your progress so I'd do what's best for you if possible by moving out. You can still care for her and her conditions as a daughter without living there.

[Asker]

Yeah, she ate and apple and string cheese for lunch last week! Insane. She does need help, but you are right, I can't give it. Last night she was SO angry at my dad because two of his credit cards failed at a restaurant that she screamed at him while we were there and slammed her fist on the table. It was SO awkward. He didn't even feel bad after that because of the way she reacted!

[alchemy12]

It could also be that it's the depression/agitation carrying over into her eating habits. Some people eat very little while others overeat so maybe that's what's going on. My mom was like that for a period of time. She used to have temper tantrums in the middle of restaurants over the stupidest shit. Looking back now I think she was depressed and having a hard time at work. It was pretty awful living with her but she's better now.

[Asker]

Yeah! I definitely think she's depressed. I just... don't know what to do. I've offered to talk to her about what is going on and she just says she's "stressed." It has been the same thing for 3 years! Stressed over her dad's death, stressed over the holidays, stressed over w/e she sees fit for the moment... and that stress means she is "not hungry." She also labeled me as the overweight jealous daughter to top it off! As if I would EVER be jealous of someone who is so afraid of food

[alchemy12]

Maybe you and your dad should stage an intervention to encourage her to get some professional help. Talk to him about it and see what he thinks.

[Asker]

Yeah, I have with my bro and my dad... they kind of... idk... say they're tired of the negativity and then... say it's not a big deal to have it fixed it's just her? idk. maybe I should be more persistent.

[Asker]

no idea what to do about that! maybe add me as a friend first? that's so weird!

[shangri-Ia]

Yes, this is emotional abuse. People who attempt to control others' eating through imposing restrictions on themselves and others are rarely ever sane.

[DanAG]

I wouldn't call this abuse. It's something else. Whatever it is, it doesn't sound like it's really directed at you. My guess is that she's depressed and an alcoholic, or at least on her way to becoming an alcoholic. This just seems like something internal, and she just directs some of it at you.

You said you were moving out soon. That's probably a good idea. Healing rifts with parents can take a while, like maybe several years.

What does your dad say about all this? She is obviously drinking too much. Plus whatever else is going on with her. Going by what you said it sounds like she needs more help than you do.

[Asker]

Oh, yeah, I don't feel like I need any help at all really. My dad asked me if I thought she had a psychotic problem... he hates that she gets so upset.

[DanAG]

My first guess is that she's depressed. Nothing you said sounds like she's psychotic. Comparing her food to yours seems kind of odd, but I wouldn't read too much into that. However, psychosis can be internal with nothing showing.

Her drinking sounds like a problem for sure, so that's a good place to start if you want to help her. But to be honest there might not be much you can do except talk to her calmly about it. You don't want to push the issue because it could drive her away.

[DanAG]

I think the best approach is to try to be her friend and confidant instead of her daughter. That may be a slow process, or it may come naturally as you get older. She might not be able to talk to your dad (especially if their relationship is a part of the problem).

As far as drinking, it can just about replace eating for a heavy drinker. She's getting several hundred calories a day from that wine. The bulk of food we eat is for energy, but she's replacing that with wine.

[Asker]

Yeah, I tried the whole, if you feel like you need to talk to me you can... I think she has an eating problem too though. She ate an apple and a piece of string cheese for lunch the other day... then proceeded to complain that she had "somehow" lost weight at the end of the week.

[talloak]

It sounds like she has plenty of problems, but I don't think I would call what you describe abuse. It does seem like a good idea to move out. And of course it is your decision as an adult to find a place of your own now that you can afford one. You're much more likely to be in a position to offer your mom help and support when her behavior is not affecting you so often and so directly.

[Asker]

Yeah, maybe she'd feel better talking? Tonight she got wasted and told me she happily gained weight. It was super weird.

[talloak]

I'm not clear about your question. Do you mean would be easier to talk if you didn't live there? Probably, although it might take some time. As long as you live there, it will feel natural for her to treat you as if you were still a child. It's much easier to get parents to see you as an adult once you're on your own. That still takes time and effort even after you move out.

[Asker]

Yeah, I think we'd get along better if we had space b/t us. She's the mom who asks when I'm in the shower (I'm almost 24!) and tells me I can't go to my own departments Christmas party because she doesn't want me driving. So do you think I should move out then? I want her to see me as an adult with my own life... because I am one. I was in college more than halfway across the country for 5 years!

[talloak]

I'm in no position to advise you to move out because there are all kinds of factors involved in that decision, especially financial ones. I think you will find that it will relieve a lot of stress between the two of you and give you a lot more say in how she treats you since you can walk away from situations where she's not treating you well. Living on your own can be stressful too. You have enough experience with that to judge for yourself. It tends to be more expensive than living as a student

[Asker]

Very true! Yeah, I'm still deciding. I am looking at apartments, but definitely not rushing into anything.

[artfullyliving]

Fricking Alcoholics. I hate that. Get away from her.

[Asker]

You think it's more the alcohol than depression or an eating disorder?