I genuinely had the self esteem of an onion and thought I looked like an eggplant lol.
Not exactly attractive because what is 'attractive' that could be subjective , no?
But just not as ugly as I thought I was.
I grew up thinking I was alright, I'd get hit on online and offline people would stare
(However there was a point where I felt so ugly I would make myself even uglier , so people would stop looking at me and so that I would get negative confirmation and I thought it would be like 'oh they're staring because I'm ugly , no need to worry about the reason!')
People always stare and comment.
People still stare at me as I walk down the street. I don't know if it's just them being annoying or if they're genuinely interested.
I try not to let that factor in to how I realized I wasn't ugly, i just had a shit personality and a distorted image of how the world sees me.
Obviously my uhm retarded tactics didn't work. I starved myself , I made myself look like a man by dressing weird and putting my hair up , I tried my hardest to just hate my body and face and make myself as unapprochable as possible and I tried my best to make others not look at me.
Then I looked at celebrities, I even spoke to some . I delved into their lives and wanted to see how they lived their lives, holy fuck was I in for a surprise.
The amount of drugs, surgeries and crazy shit some people go through.
Even your average-ish girl , say like me , can be fit and take care of herself and she could be very attractive and even considered 7+/10 to many, many people.
Even the naturally pretty celebrities , they still had access to things that made them even more attractive.
I should've not compared myself to them , because it's not like we are in the same league or social circles now.
I wanted to be validated by men, to be validated by society. Now I see the fault in how I was living my life. It wasn't even my life anymore, it was me trying to please others to make their lives better by fitting their standards.
I just realized that i was comparing myself to the wrong crowd. To the wrong standards.
Lots of people made me feel like COMPLETE SHIT about myself , to the point where I was very suicidal.
Others would tell me these people are jealous, and that I'm very attractive.
I didn't want to believe that. I wanted to believe that something was wrong with me, not everyone else who hated on me and said nasty comments about my personality or looks.
Someone did apologize , admitting to me she thinks I'm attractive and she just messed up by hating on me and was rude for no reason.
People do put in an effort to speak to me , even though I look unapproachable most of the time. I do get free things at times. I do get people staring at me 24/7.
Still if you asked me to rate myself , I'm highly critical of myself and I'd tell you I'm slightly below average but I'm a 5/10 in terms of looks.
In the end I just said fuck it and decided, I'm going to set my own standards of beauty. Which is : be healthy, be fit , be happy , be a go getter and achieve all my life goals and dreams. No one else's opinion matters about my looks , why should it matter?
And so far I'm doing okay. I'm trying. I'm living. I'm battling depression.
But the best part is I no longer obsess over every little thing about my looks as I used to. Some days I'd hate getting out the house because I didn't want any human being to look at me.