Thoughts of the man I want to give my whole self to someday got me Googling just now wedding hairstyles for shorter hair (I used to have longer hair but had gotten it cut last summer into a bob, in which it's at my shoulders now). I pictured how I'd want to look once I walk down the aisle to take my place by my Beloved at the altar. I imagined the excitement and allure he'd feel once he lifts my ve-
"You won't have much to take to the altar."
"He'll just have the rest of whatever you didn't do before finding him."
"You've betrayed him, and now he has to settle."
Hauntings of the fundamental Christian demonization of any woman having had sex before marriage that I was exposed to in my teen years put a screeching halt to my otherwise wonderful daydream. Sure, I'm technically still a virgin, which is almost my only leg to stand on in my defense. But it still didn't block these thoughts from permeating.
So now I'm on here, and I'm going to boldly state that I don't want society to define my happiness. Yes, I've made mistakes. Sure, I've done things I regret and would've probably preferred to save for my spouse. But that is not a reason for me to not be happy, no matter how the Devil quotes Scriputure to his advantage against me.
No matter what, I deserve to love and be loved, and I'm still in the process of radically accepting this despite the winds and curves and stepping out of Plato's Cave I've walked. I shouldn't have to feel any self-hate or shame on my wedding day, because when he lifts my veil, he'll be the only one I see from that day forward, and the only one I'll want to wake up to forever. And he won't see the other people I've done stuff with, experimented with, fell prey to doing, whatever I did, he won't see that when he lifts it. What he'll see is me, and it's never too late for me to start living like the person I want my groom to see. I'd imagine that he won't want our wedding to comprise of me lamenting over the past, but enthralled with the idea of him being my whole future.
So there's how I want to play the cards that the brainwashing during my teen years dealt me. The condemnation & misuse of Scripture, I won't let ruin my wedding day.
Now that I got that off my chest, here's some hairstyles I like: