I am American woman, married a Jamaican man in Feb. 2010 after 9 months of long distance dating. Because of the long distance , we both new the importance of communicating frequently on a day to day basis. I traveled to see him every 2-3 months and never ever had in bad vibes of unworthiness about him. Had a big wedding that cause some financial strain on both our parts and lessen the frequent calling but still talked a couple times a day. We and both our family contribute to make a beautiful wedding come true. I am not the stereotypical american women who spends all her money on a Jamaican man. He worked hard as well. Now here's the kicker, the day after wedding his baby mother said to friends that they were still having sex and she still loved him and didn't know he was getting married which is a lie , this is a very small town so the wedding was a very known public fact. She has a history of doing some crazy things and doesn't even have custody of their child. so soon after I returned to the states the phone calls lessen and I feel like the interest is not there anymore. he said its because he's in a different line of work that keeps him busy and that he is not foreign minded and married me because he loves me. However our conversation is like a broken record, "how are you" what are you doing" " you alright" Sometimes I wonder if his new line of work keeps him busy to the middle of the night. I have no proof but he tells me very little what's going on, mostly because he's exhausted. he does however answer my call every time but because of the sudden changes in behavior he might not be keeping things real. We use to miss each other terribly and I can't tell you the last time he told me that. in the past if we argued and I hung up on him he would call me back 550 times now lucky to get a call back within 2 hours. I think someone else is holding his interest, but he said he just working a lot so that I comfortable when I come to visit him. I will be there next month and not sure if I want to go lately we both have been saying some disrespectful things that he would have never said pre-marriage. my biggest thing is he say he he is going to call and then doesn't so basically a lie. I feel like if I am on your mind then he will call I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do from his heart. if he is not calling he is not thinking about me I am only asking for a 30 second call not a long drawn out call. he did call me for 24 hrs yesterday and he knows how I feel about calling. I called him today and he said his screen broke on his phone. but his mother has my number and calls me often so I feel like there is no more excuses. feeling like this is a marriage for green card. should I cut m losses now while its still very early in the game
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[ Summary of your situation ]
1) The financial strain reduced how often you could call him, making communicating more difficult.
2) His baby's mama, who you know as a lier, spread some rumors than seemed fake to begin with.
3) You used to get a call back after an argument up to 550 times, now you are lucky to get a call within 2 hours
4) He's says he will call, but then doesn't.
[ From your own words: ]
1) I will be there next month and not sure if I want to go lately we both have been saying some disrespectful things that he would have never said pre-marriage.
2) feeling like this is a marriage for green card.
---- Advice section ----
I can completely see where your coming from, and why you would want to speak with him, especially as he is your husband. But the problem that your making is where your overanalyzing the situation. Look above and tell me where you see any faults in the relationship OTHER than the calling. Hear me out..
- Rather than having other priorities and letting him be part of your life, as your husband, you are making him your life.
If I were in his shoes, I would feel like you didn't trust me and that you were believing all these rumors from the baby mama, and that you didn't trust me enough to do what I had to do at work; I would also feel like your suffocating me. I can understand with a few calls a week, but 550 calls a day? It sounds like you both rushed into something you weren't ready for, because you were emphatuated with each other.
Moving onward, you stated that you think he is using you for a green card? That's not the case at all. If he was willing to stand by your side and not cheat on you, still being your husband (and you his wife) through all of this drama... Then he cares about you, but is frustrated with the situation.
This following part is gonna come across VERY rude, but it's not intended that way:
- You're acting like a whiny baby, but I can see where your coming from. In long distance relationships it's hard to survive without having that person next to you. Your emotions become tangled and you can start to do rather irrational things!... Find a hobby, get a job, go to school, do something to fill your mind and time enough that when you talk with him, you have something to talk about.
If you guys are constantly calling each other and going "Hi... How are you" "Good you" "Good.. bye" "bye"... The conversation is bland and quite frankly, uninteresting... Talk about anything that happened during your day, Eg:
"I was at the grocery store and the lady infront of me sneezed, getting it all over the apples I picked out.. Oh man, it was classic. I wish you would have seen it hun, my face was priceless".
- Doing this will help him be more at ease, that your not gonna jump ship, just like you're worried about him jumping ship for a green card.
Lol, just take a breather and talk with the man.
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