I'm married, he has a long time girlfriend.....?

[Anonymous]

Why would he risk his relationship to go out with a married woman? It's not for the sex because we haven't had any. We have been meeting each other for 10mos now. We kiss and hold hands and laugh and have a good time with eachother. He lives with her, says he doesn't want to marry her, and he knows I'm no longer in love with my husband, I mean it's obvious neither of us are in love anymore with are partners or we would not be sneaking around and meeting eachother, agreed? So my question is, why is he risking his realtionship to see me? I know why I'm risking mine.

Please no lectures, just a thought or opinion about the question would be nice. Thanks!

[blue-kev]

Infatuation. When a man is infatuated with a woman he exagerates all her qualities making her perfect in his mind. The male fantasy of women is different from the reality we encounter after knowing someone for years. Every smile you give and giggle you make every sweet thing you do makes us feel as if your an angel. We feel so ggod just to be around that school girl happiness. And the sweetness you have makes us feel euphoric. The problem is we don't realize your human because of how good we feel around you. Once these infatuation feelings end we start to see the flaws we all have. But if you weren't special he wouldn't be infatuated with you in the first place.

[UltraDramatic]

He's probably risking his relationship for the same reason you're risking yours -- needs are not being met. If you were having all your needs met by your husband, you wouldn't be having an affair. Guess what? -- same with him. Many times, it's not about the sex.

That's the short answer.

[confusedmom]

Maybe he's risking it for the same reasons you are yours. Maybe he's waiting for you to leave your husband. Have you two talked about what you would do if either your husband or his girlfriend found out?

[Asker]

We kinda joke, like he says to me, you would be in a lot more trouble because your married, and I say yeah I would be out on my ass, and then he jokingly says stuff about me having to move in with him. When we first started meeting, he would say stuff like, I'll move her out and you in, but I never acknowleged what he said, because I did not think he was serious.

[confusedmom]

Can I ask why you don't leave your husband?

[Asker]

Its not that I don't want to, its kinda involved, but long story short, it's mainly financial reasons. I'm not with him for his $$ because he really doesn't have any, its just that I'm in such a position (I know I put myslf here) that I cannot afford to leave at this time, and over the last 2 years I started depending on him and I'm kinda stuck, why?

[confusedmom]

I understand. Found myself in a similar situation with my ex-husband. I was just curious. As for your friend, I wouldn't say he's really risking anything as he's more or less waiting to see what you're going to do. Kind of like if you leave your husband he wins, if you don't he wins because there's still someone at home. But definitely have a game plan.

[Asker]

Thanks! So what your basically saying is, he's waiting on me? I asked him once something along the lines of, would you leave her, and he said I would not want to hurt her feelings, and that was it. He knows I have no where to go if I was to leave. On our third date, he mumbled, but I heard it, he said I love you, I acted like I didn't hear it and just kept on talking, maybe he meant it? How do I find out if he wants to leave her? Or is it obvious that he does, and I'm not getting it?

[confusedmom]

That would be my guess. You can just flat out ask him if your left your husband would he be there for you. Or if you don't want to be that bold, start talking about getting things order so you can leave and see where the conversation goes.

[Asker]

Well I just got off the phone with him, and I said in short, you are risking a lot and I feel bad, and he said "no I'm not, not really" I said well yes you are, and he said again "not really, just a headache" what does that mean?

[confusedmom]

Hmm...maybe he just means the headache of getting caught and then having to go through the break up and moving her out. Sounds like he doesn't really care though, and more or less just has here around for convenience sake...

[Asker]

Thanks for all your advice and wisdom, I really appreciate it. Your right I need a game plan of somekind. I need to find out what this guy wants if anything. He mentioned yesterday about wanting to take a day trip possible overnight together. He said to me once when we first started seeing eachother, that we needed to spend 2 weeks together...whatever that means!

[confusedmom]

No problem. I know you probably didn't plan on getting in the situation you're in. Can't say it's right, but you're there and I've been there too, all you can do from here is have an idea of what you're going to do, you know. The two weeks was probably to see how you guys would be with non stop interaction, you know. Which two weeks non stop for any couple is too much...I have a hard to being around my husband for 48hrs straighg...but then we have our problems too. Good Luck to you!

[Shlei3]

Because he's a gutless idiot that can't take a stand for himself and decide what he really wants and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce your husband asap. You're a sinner.

[annon-girl]

After a year, has your situation changed?