My fiance wants an open bar at the wedding, but I don't want alcohol at all. What should we do?

[Anonymous]

Here's why I don't want any alcohol.

My sister is a recovering alcoholic. She's 8.5 years sober. By our wedding, it'll be almost 10 years. Her wedding had no alcohol in it because of this (she got married in 2016). I'm not a drinker myself, and neither is anyone on my side. However, my fiance's family are big drinkers. They drink at every holiday all afternoon, and they even drink at almost every dinner. His dad has at least 3 beers a night with dinner.

I don't want anyone drunk there. I want just champagne for the toast (my immediate family will get sparkling white grape juice because of my sister), but I also don't want the temptation around. My sister is going to be my Maid of Honor like I was in her wedding, and I don't want it to be an issue.

He doesn't think that's fair, but I really just don't want alcohol there. I asked if we could make it a cash bar at least to deter people from getting as much alcohol, but he is adamant on having an open bar because that's what his family wants.

I don't really think he's being reasonable. At least if it's a cash bar, my sister would have to buy alcohol, and I know her husband would not let her. But I don't want her to be singled out by telling the bartender to not serve her specifically. Plus I don't know how well his side of the family handles alcohol outside of his brothers and father. Does anyone have a compromise or suggestion?

[Aiciamae1990]

Honestly, I’d probably never go to a wedding that doesn’t have alcohol or at least serves wine with dinner. People in general do not like dry weddings. And be prepared to have people leave after the dinner. Because if you want people to have fun and get on the dance floor, then you’re going to want to have alcohol.

Your sister’s sobriety has nothing to do with anyone else and you should allow your guests the option of drinking. It’s your sister’s own responsibility to be on her best behaviour and she should know there will be temptation there but she has to trust herself to say no! She’s an adult. I wouldn’t ruin the day and night for everyone else just for one person. I’m sure she’s wise enough to make the right choice. And with her family all there too there should be enough people present to tell her no as well.

Also you could do a cash bar (not recommended either though because people generally don’t like that either. But you should know that my entire family loves to drink. And at my brother’s wedding my cousin who is a recovering alcoholic made sure to only drink water and pop. And she had a fantastic time. It might have been difficult for her but she managed. She’s also had a relapse but it wasn’t at a party or wedding. It was at her mom’s house while she was there alone one day. The atmosphere has nothing to do with it, if your sister is going to make a mistake it can be any time.

[pineappleorange]

Best answer!

[mermaidrocketship]

Open bars are super expensive. Some couples will pay for a certain threshold of “free” drinks and then have everything else after that be a cash bar. People tend to drink excessively later on, so that might be an option for you. Your sister is ten years sober, and I’m sure she wouldn’t have gotten there without family support. While you aren’t responsible if she relapses, it’s good that you’re looking out for her best interests. Besides that, you don’t know what your husband’s family is like after they’ve had a few. I say cash bar is the more feasible choice and will prevent your reception from getting out of hand. If you drink, I don’t see why you can’t have alcohol, but your sister might feel uncomfortable if she’s the reason you have a dry event. But open bar is crazy.

[razelove]

Yeah, don't have a bar at all, just ice chests of non-alcoholic drinks and BYOB, open bar is expensive as hell anyway. You're both being unreasonable in that it's important for him to get shit faced, and for his family to be able to, the opposite is important to you.

The idea of a marriage, a successful one at least, is to build a life together. You need to work that shit out and meet each other in the middle. Fair doesn't factor into it, reasonable doesn't factor into it. What either of you thinks of as fair and reasonable on many issues will not be the same.

Who cares how well his side handles alcohol, that isn't your problem. Who cares if your family has recovering alcoholics, that isn't his problem. Step outside the problem because at least one of you needs to be mature and think about it. Otherwise you won't get married arguing over booze.

Bring up the money part, ask who's paying. Typically the father of the bride pays for the wedding. And an alcoholic is an alcoholic, one drink is too many and a thousand isn't enough.

Anyway, find a compromise besides dry wedding or we pay for all your booze wedding. Consider it your first exercise in being married. Wait until you have kids lol

[AbleLearner]

This is bad, and will be an obstacle in your relationship for the rest of your life, but If you really love this person I guess you can work it out, but I wouldn't even date a heavy drinker (nor a heavy smoker either).

Snow drinks like one glass of wine every few days or something, which I'm fine with that, whatever, because that's about what God intended. But some people get drunk every day of their lives or something, which disgusts me.

I don't drink and don't smoke. I drank half of one beer one time just to see what it tasted like and what a sliight buzz felt like, and I know that isn't even enough to get people tipsy, but I am very aware of my own consciousness, and I didn't like the feeling even half of a beer had given me, so I threw the rest of it away. For example, I can usually tell I forgot to take my blood pressure medicine and my anti-depressants, because my thought patterns will be different by the time Noon comes around.

So I don't drink, don't smoke, and don't date people who are heavy drinkers or heavy smokers, and obviously I wouldn't date someone who did illegal drugs.

[Asker]

He drinks a few times a week, but he isn’t an alcoholic. It really isn’t an obstacle at all. I think a lot of people are actually taking it too seriously, more seriously than he and I are. It’ll most likely just be a cash bar. The only reason he isn’t happy about that is because his family doesn’t want to pay for their drinks the entire night. But he also gets that since my parents are footing the bill that it’s not necessarily fair to have them pay for his family’s alcohol intake. We haven’t argued about it, though.

[CallMeDave]

It sounds like you're probably going to work it out which is good since this is a somewhat challenging issue and so a good test of your ability to work out a resolution to difficult problems. I do think it will probably a long term issue because if you live near your families, the wedding probably won't be the only time your sister and his family will be together. There could be holiday gatherings, family events like birthdays or other times when you're all together and will have this same issue. Hopefully you'll be able to figure out a way to manage it not only for the wedding but for other events so that you can keep his family from being too upset while not putting your sister in a position that makes things difficult for her.

[Cfrobw]

Cancel the wedding and marry me? 😂😂😂

It’s something that you have to discuss with him. It requires communication.

Identify why you don’t want to have an open bar.

You obviously have a reason.
Examples
1. Religious conviction
2. Because of medication that you or others take might affect a disorder because the alcohol will affect medication levels and can endanger someone’s life, dignity or something else.
3. You, your boyfriend or other family members are alcoholics drunks, get bad tempers and drive drunk. Someone my be hurt or killed after leaving the wedding reception.

I am divorced now. I married a woman and didn’t realize I was enabling her condition. She was addicted to a sedative anti-anxiety medication. She was abusing it and was like a drunk. Eventually she attempted suicide with it by overdosing. She really didn’t care about me. I felt so alone.

When she attempted suicide it was even more. I loved her so much, but that and a few other things destroyed my desire to want to be around her. Being romantic was pointless, we only had sex 13 times in 5 years.

You have to be able to communicate with him and come to a compromise. Ask him what reasons he has for wanting to have an open bar. Us men are very logical. He has a reason. Find out what it is and then you judge between your reason and his reason. Ask him to consider your reasoning see if you can come to a compromise. That is a part of marriage. Working together. each person in the marriage is supposed to compliment the other not act as separate individuals. Obviously you are separate individuals, but in a marriage you are joining yourself to another person emotionally, spiritually physically, character, personality, etc. if you can’t communicate and compromise together then maybe you should reconsider your decision to marry him. If you are going to marry, you should goto a marriage counselor and learn about communication and conflict resolution. I attended marriage counseling alone. She didn’t want to go. It should have been a sign to me that she was not the person for me to marry.

That’s my personal experience.

[FakeName123]

1. Is it your wedding or your boths wedding? Rhetorical question. It is just as much his wedding as yours. So ask yourself - why would HE give up on something his family wants? You are essentially expecting him to sacrifice things for your family. Not even that, for one person out of your family his other family has to sacrifice.
Obviously the ideal way is to sit down and find a compromise, but first you need to get rid of that attitude that it's about you. A wedding is about BOTH of you and not just you alone.

2. " But I don't want her to be singled out by telling the bartender to not serve her specifically."
So essentially everyone else needs to bend back- and forwards, because of one single person? A person that isn't even part of the wedding couple?
This is your wedding and not your sisters wedding. She needs to make YOU happy and not the other way around. If it means that she has to pull through when other people have a drink or two, because she has no control over her addiction - then that is HER problem.

3. COMMUNICATION. Not just shouting at each other or brabbling, but talk to your fiance on the basis that it is your BOTHs wedding and try to find a middle ground rather than "my sister is an addict and that's why everyone else can't have X on this wedding". Take a step back and you will realise how ridiculously selfish that sounds.

[Massageman]

I've been to a couple of wedding receptions where it's open bar for "cocktail hour" and then cash bar after dinner.
I've been to others where it's just a beer and wine bar for the night.
Don't forget that it's the bride's family that usually picks up the tab on these things, but maybe if the groom's fam could could kick in the difference between no bar and full bar, that might be an effective compromise.

Free bonus info: If you like the taste of wine sangria but without the alcohol, try a Mexican soda pop called "Senorial Sangria". It's grape juice and lemon juice but you think you're drinking the real thing because they use the same grapes they use for making wine! Look for it in any food store that has an Hispanic/Mexican section. If they sell Jarritos, they should also carry the Senorial Sangria because the same company makes it. Disclaimer- I was not paid in any manner from the company that makes Senorial Sangria- I just love it along with Limon Jarritos. !

[btbc92]

Ask yourself Why are you marrying into a family that are heavy drinkers? This is all red flags and you'll continue to have this fight if you marry him. You shouldn't date and marry somebldy who doesn't share your values. Your not compatible. Because now he'll say yiur a control freak and it's unfair to you. If they want yo drink, let them drink. Buy you do NOT have to marry him. I'm sorry, there is no way to really resolve this without you breaking down and being miserable at your wedding and his. As a non drinker myself I would not want to date and marry a drinker myself. Just a disaster.

[btbc92]

Plus you can have a private after party for everybody who wants to, to do so at their own risk. But you will not participate if they want and go on your honeymoon with him. If not, again, think about this marriage, seriously.

[rjroy3]

You suck it up and give him this one lol.

I don't mean to be so abrupt with you, but this is his wedding to. His family is there too and you're saying you want to take something away from him and his family's experience at the event. Solely to cater to one person.

If you and your side aren't big drinkers. Easy. They just don't drink, while his side does. Your sister will have non drinking company who care for her and will look out for her. At the end of the day your sister is a big girl. Do not punish your future husband, to accommodate your sister.

It is actually unreasonable for you to be putting your foot down on this. Because at the end of the day you're making the event that is about you, your husband and both your families about your sister instead. Imagine how she would feel if she knew about this dispute being made over a decision you want to make over her. If she's a decent person I guarantee she would say, just have the open bar and she'll deal.

[rjroy3]

Has he made any special requests or decisions about this wedding outside of this one thing?

[Stephanielongoria]

My sister had the same issue when she was planning her wedding , My sister married this Mormon guy believe or not Apperently drinking to them is some how a big sin and a huge no no. We could not even go inside the temple and see my sister get married because of some rule policy that you have to be a Mormon in order to enter so my whole family and I had to wait outside on the hot weather. Anyway back to the conversation , What she decided to do was this little family get together dinner at my mom's house a week before my sister wedding we had wine since it was going to be to expensive for my sister to rent a small room just for a beer , wine etc , Sure my bro in laws family were more then welcome to join us too.

[Anonymous]

I'd say go without alcohol. But it seems others might not agree. My family and my extended family on both sides never had alcohol at any holiday functions, etc. and we were fine. I don't think it's necessary but I, also, got a divorce because my ex is an alcoholic because of an untreated depression.

[Rob19777]

Yeah simply ask him who's paying for the wedding and if it's you and your side then fuck him you and your family make the final say. Look i already know the day me and demi get married (i pray this happens someday) there'll be no alcohol served at all. And my biological family sure as hell won't be there because none of them will be invited especially since not one of them ever invited me to theirs and there's way to much bad blood between me and my biological family which is why none of them will be invited plus i don't want or need to listen to any of their snot nosed comments either. Demi can bring whoever she wants because i love her side of the family they're great people and so are her friends but my side NO WAY IN HELL are they coming. And I'm almost positive Demi will agree that no alcohol will be served at our wedding (i pray me and her get married someday)

[ivbnlknfru]

Well I feel your sister is an adult and you should not have to be her mother. She has made it this long sober, she should have no problem making through a wedding. As far as the alcohol at your wedding, you and your fiance need to come up with a decision that will make you both happy, after all you are going to be partners. If you cannot agree on this now before the wedding, what's next after the wedding. A lifetime of disagreements. Personally a open bar can get very expensive, if he has a family of drinkers they will take advantage. Maybe beer and wine only and cash for alchohol is a good compromise... Good luck

[Bananaman177]

Are you telling me that if there's alcohol, your sister cannot stop her hand from lifting it to her lips?

If she's that out of control, she might as well just go ahead and fall off the wagon or whatever.

Sounds like your side of the family has no willpower and no self control.

[Stockton]

Your sisters sobriety is not your responsibility. You don't drink but your marriage is to a man whose family drinks all the time if you two can't find a simple solution you might want to rethink getting married. By the way marry this man and you will become a drinker

[Drumlin2001]

Personally, i'd find a suggestion of banning all alcohol rather excessive.
The cash bar idea would be the fairest way. But you have to ask yourself what is the end game here. What happens if you dont agree? Are you going to start your marriage off with resentment over this issue that your bending over backwards for for one person. Surely her husband should take responsibility for looking after her. Your family can also support her.

[Alpha09]

Have alcohol. And anyone who doesn't want to partake shouldn't drink. It's about being able to choose, instead of taking that from everyone else just because one side doesn't do something. I wouldn't have a bunch of booze since this it's not a dive bar, but some wine and beers should be enough to keep everyone happy.

[angecandy]

I guess the alcohol makes the guests loosenup and get energic, so its a plus. And i guess that you are in charge of the wedding ( because you are the bride) so just let your husband have that bar, its just for one day, its not like you are gonna keep that bar forever, and maybe talk to your sister. Talk to your sister if it bother you so much and ask her if she can handle to stay away from alcohol on your wedding so she dosnt become an alcoholic again.

[DiscomfortZone]

Don't invite your sister. If after 10 years she still can't be around alcohol without it being a problem - then her program isn't working and she's the problem. What's next, no dessert because your dad is a diabetic? No music because your mother is a cynic? Your wedding will have alcohol in it, your husband and his family and friends will drink themselves stupid, and that's gonna be that. Either make peace with it right now, or cancel the wedding.

[Asker]

Anyone who gets drunk is being escorted out. That’s something he and I already agreed on because he has people who drink in excess all the time. Who wants drunk guests at a party?

[DiscomfortZone]

Now you're talking semantics and subjective standards. What's "drunk"? What's "in excess"?

[Asker]

It’s not semantics lol. We will make that call when we see it.

[DiscomfortZone]

So, you've already decided to allow alcohol but "escort" the drunkards out. Question answered.

[DOGMA1954]

What your asking for is not a problem. You really need to set down and really express how you feel. Maybe even get another persons view on this subject. You may have to have a special reception area at a local bar just for the people that want to drink after the wedding.

[blutwolfe]

how did y'all end up together, y'all don't seem compatible at all. Best you can do it basically everyone drinks at their own will. My wedding would probably have a keg of whiskey, but that's mutual on both sides of the family and family in law.

if y'all want a dry wedding maybe keep it small and invite select people.

[Laozi]

It's not good to punish so many people over just one person. I know that you care for your sister. But you can deal with this situation. Just put someone in charge of her so you don't have to worry about her drinking. There are many ways to to deal with this situation. You can talk to your family, sister, her husband and your fiance about this. You'll find out a all satisfactory solution for this.

[KrakenAttackin]

This is the first of 10,000 compromises you and he will have to make. Wait until the holiday shit starts and you have to split time between your pain in the ass family and his pain in the ass family.

Be an adult, have the fucking bar. You sister at 8.5 years has learned how to be sober around people who are not.

Or just "put your foot down" and set the tone for your marriage that he is really your bitch.

[Bman4907]

So because she can't trust herself, you want to punish the people who are going to these parties. Let them have their booze. They have to sit through boring speeches and bad jokes written by the bridal side, the least you can do is get them liquored up.