My partner never brings up marriage. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Is it normal that my partner of 15 years has never really brought up marriage or kids?

I know this may sound crazy to some people but please bear with me. I am a very patient and easy going person. I always thought its the mans thing to do, to propose or to ask their partner to marry them. Clearly I do not think he has any plans on doing this. I used to think he did.

We have lived together for 10 years and been together for 15. I think because we live together this long he thinks there's no need for changes and no need to get married because we're already together. I do know he has an issue with marriage and thinks they all fail. He was married once and divorced. Also kids, he has his own (he's a lot older than me) and they've been a disappointment to him to say the least.

Our relationship is solid and we both love and are devoted to eachother, however he feels my side of the family does not accept him. This could be part of the reason why he doesn't want to get married , have a wedding, etc. I can understand that. If they're all underlyingly not supportive of it, you know?

I am now in my early 30's and i've given the last decade and a half of my life to him. I am starting to get worried about not having kids, and being a joke to my family that I won't get married. I literally think he would never bring up having kids and wants my fertility to expire.. he doesn't even ask me if i want them.

I don't know.. like I said I am easy going so being together and not having a license of marriage is fine in a way. But I know it is normal standards to be wed.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this or have any advice on how to go about this situation? thank you

[RingOfFire]

I feel really bad for you because I can feel your pain.

The only thing that I can offer is what appears to me to be a clear impression that he's never going to be willing to get married. I think that's out of the question for him. It isn't necessarily because he doesn't love you, but after all this time together and all the different reasons he's expressed that he seems to hate the idea of marriage, I don't think that's going to change.

And it sounds to me like he is equally as invested in his decision that he does not want anymore children.

As painful and as difficult as I am sure it is for you, I think that puts the burden on you to have to make a very heavy decision.

Are you willing to stay with him without marriage and without having any children of your own. I think that is the decision you will have to make. I can imagine that is extremely stressful for you.

I'm sure that his relationship with your family is a significant part of that decision. It would be at least some relief I think if you felt there was a way that he could have a better relationship with your family. Without that, it's hard to see a path for you to be together. So I think that is a critical issue. Maybe you should start thinking about what can be done to mend that relationship. It might require some difficult conversations with your family members and with him to get them to realize what a difficult situation that puts you in and how important it is to you that they find a way to mend their relationship.

If you conclude that it's not possible for that relationship to be salvaged it might provide the answer to your bigger question about whether or not you can be together. If there is no chance of him getting along with your family, is that a deal breaker? I think that's the kind of question you need to be asking yourself.

At least in the end, if you decide you cannot go on with the relationship, you want to end up feeling like you've done everything you possibly can even if it's hard to do and difficult to face. This is part of life that we almost go through at some point. It's part of growing up.

I wish you both all the best.

[Finchie40]

You need to bring it up to him , it’s ok for you to ask for the things you want as well. If he tells you No? Then the ball is back in your court for you to decide what you want to do, You can choose to leave him or accept the fact that you will never have marriage and kids with him? It’s your choice. Just because you love someone and care about someone , it doesn’t mean you have to stay with that person , if he isn’t willing to give you what you want , you have every right to walk away and find it elsewhere , Don’t ever let someone make your decisions for you. He doesn’t own you , you are your own person so don’t feel guilty for wanting something your partner isn’t willing to give you. Talk to him and tell him what you want , if he loves you and cares about you , he will give you what you want , if he wants to keep you by his side. Why honesty is important in a relationship , don’t wait for them to decide for you. A relationship takes 2 people working together and compromising together , so if he doesn’t want the same things you want , you are best to walk away and find someone that wants what you want.

[Anonymous]

So being firm with and a failure to communicate your wishes about marriage and kids while just hoping for 15 years and what not, that he'd just magically get it, seem to be your issues here. Saying your family is the reason he can't manage it, is just an excuse. There are people who's families have hated their spouse, that have literally left their life of royalty behind to cross an ocean to be with the one they love, that have managed that.

Having been divorced and as you say, having children of his own that suck, it would stand to reason why he isn't highly motivated to do it all over again. If what you want is biological children with him, and that is something you cannot see living your entire life without, you need to start today with clear communication that at least THAT is a deal breaker for you. Just because you've been together for this long, doesn't mean that isn't important, if it is, because once you age out, that's it, there won't be further chances to have kids.

You specifically need to know what you really want. Do not just go, well my family wants me to have kids and a wedding...um, do you actually want that stuff or you want it because they are saying you should want it? If you're happy, don't mess that up because you're trying to make your family happy. On the same token, if this is truly what you want, you need to get over this "well a man has a decide," and have a real clear conversation with him about what is important to you and why.

[DishLady]

If it's so important to you and he's not doing it:

(1) why haven't you brought it up to him?

(2) why have you let so much time pass?

(3) if you HAVE brought it up and he's ignored you, why are you still with him?

You're in this situation because you're allowing it, plain and simple. If he knows this is a priority for you then he'll have to make the adjustment and prepare himself for marriage.

Just because he was married and divorced once doesn't mean he needs to lay his traumas out on you.

You can't just sit passively in your own life in the name of being "easy going." The term you're avoiding is "door mat." You've given this guy everything he wants without question. It's up to you to step up and be assertive.

[AviatorTom]

If you want marriage, stop waiting for him to bring it up, do it yourself. Same thing for kids. Bring up the topic and have a heart-to-heart discussion with him. You are entitled to share your opinions with your SO.

[MrOracle]

Why did you wait 10 years to bring this up? What are you going to do now if he tells you that he doesn't want marriage or kids? The alarm bells should have gone off a long time ago. A man who intends to get married, even he's got a lot of work to do before he is ready, is not shy about talking about his plans, and the steps he needs to take to become ready.

My strong suspicion is that he is perfectly happy with the way things are now, and doesn't feel any need to change anything. And he's going to assume that you feel the same way since you clearly haven't made your expectations known for the last 15 years. He's going to be surprised to find out that you want something different, because you have never said anything (concrete, at least) about these things before.

Marriage and family doesn't just randomly happen - it requires attention and planning and effort, and most of all, for both people to be on the same page.

I wish you luck, but I would steel yourself for some bad news, and you can't blame him for it - this is the consequences of YOUR lack of communication.

[Anonymous]

15 YEARS? I would think both of you would have brought this up years ago.

Some people expect to be married in a year or less…. Ehhhh slow down. Someone or the other could have a ulterior motive, or at the end of the day just not be the right one.

It’s harder to leave now because you don’t want to waste 15 years of your life.

You can be patient but 15 years and the whole “ifs the man’s thing to do” it’s not normal for you not to have brought it up either. Either have brought it up or decided he’s not the one for you. You can want a man whose gonna do it. But at the end of the day if he’s just not. Then maybe you’re not meant to be with one another

I mean your way of thinking is why you’re in the situation you are in. Because you’re waiting on a man to do something. Now you’re 30 and maybe will never have children. Because you want him to make all the decisions in the relationship. Not either leave or ask him yourself.

I’m not saying he’s right either. It’s definitely not normal to be together 15 years and not know if you want to get married or not.

Having standards is NORMAL… But both people need to COMMUNICATE their standards to one another early on. Some people (botj the man and woman) have absolutely NOTHING wrong with them. They’re just looking for different things. That’s where you need to respectfully end it on good terms. Not attempt to mould the other person into who you’re wanting them to be. This is a very common problem that leads to misery for both people.

You need to use your WORDS. That you feel like it’s his job to propose. That you’re wanting kids. That if he doesn’t want to get married and have children or propose. Maybe we just wasted 15 years together. When we aren’t even right for one another.

[Opinion Owner]

He speaks English the same as you do. It seems that neither of you have communicated what it is you’re wanting and needing out of a relationship.

You have to remember that everyone is different. It’s not his job to read your mind as much as it isn’t your job to read his. You need to tell him what you’re wanting respectful and ask him how he feels about that.

If you both have serious disagreements on things. You either need to decide if you can work through it (without changing the other) or decide you’re not compatible.

This can be having children, what roles you both play, getting married, among many other things.

[Opinion Owner]

He also sounds narcissistic. Okay leaving your wife is one thing. But to disown your children and say they’re a disappointment. So now he’s ran to you to start something else.

If he would do this to his own kids. He’s gonna trash you too. Also as others have said. He doesn’t want commitment. He wants to be able to leave tou as soon as he can find the next thing. While not hating to worry about the problems divorce brings.

[Opinion Owner]

If you know he thinks all marriages fail. Gusss what he’s doing? He’s waiting for this relationship to FAIL

[_Senorita_]

I think he is just using you cuz a real man (doesn't want s*x ) who wants you the whole life should at least give u a right to be his wife if you are a tissue he will just use and throw you. That is a stupid reason that he got divorced that is why he is not doing anything... girl you need to be strong and ask him if he is serious for you or not you should stop giving yourself away if he to a coward man or boy.. he is not a real man who wants a happy family with children... the decision is yours...

[sawno]

Bad mindset to have in the modern day, plenty of super loyal dedicated men who want to be with you their entire life but who aren't willing to ruin the balance of the relationship. If she leaves in the US for another man he's screwed. Why would we ever take that risk? If a girl I am with insisted on marriage and otherwise she'd leave want to know what that communicates to me? That she's not serious about me and either wants my stuff or wants power over me since she'd know she'd be the powerful one in the marriage due to the way courts work. It would make me triple down on not marrying her.

The only sane reason for me to marry is if that enables something thats otherwise impossible, for my last relationship I was willing to marry for example since it would allow us to life in the same country.

[_Senorita_]

@sawno i guess you had really bad experience... But being married is better it gives you sense of security.. belongingness... Happy family goals... Protection from the provider of the house... Total satisfaction... No worries that the other person might leave u one day without giving u proper shelter!!!

[sawno]

I had nothing but good experiences, but I saw the experiences other men in the US are having. But ill address every single point just to proof a point.

Sense of security: It does the opposite for men, she is free to leave whenever she wants and then I have to pay. The security is one sided which is a terrible deal, so I'm not willing to do that.
Belongingness: I already get this to the fullest from a relationship since I treat those as serious as marriage.
Happy family goals: I can do this without marriage, marriage is not a prerequisite for any of that. If we want to have children all it takes is sex.
Protection from the provider of the house I don't understand.
Total satisfaction I can get from a relationship.
The worries about shellter are amplified because if she leaves the judge may rule she may keep the house, then i'd be on the street even if its my house.

[loveslongnails]

If you've never brought up the subject yourself in the past 10 years, yet want kids, you're at least 50% to blame for where you're at now. There's no time left as you're in your early 30's. You need to tell/ask him right now: "I want kids, and I want them asap. I'd also prefer to be married, but I can pass on that part. However, I want kids. I need to know what you want for the immediate future - so what is it?"

If you are not on the same page, or he can't give you a straight up answer, it's time to cut bait and move on.

[Likes2drive]

He’s comfortable the way things are and you’re not very assertive in the relationship, he’s already done the marriage thing and kid's so he isn’t really concerned about doing either if things are going good with you but obviously it’s bothering you and you are hiding it , the marriage part is not a big deal, it’s just a license that you can do whenever but the having kids is the part you can’t wait for any longer and you need to say something to him if that’s what you want with him, you can get married anytime you want unless there’s assets to worry about

[desidoll]

He doesn’t want to, that’s why. You mentioned that he was married and has kids from his past marriage so I don’t think he wants another commitment. If you are planning to settle down, I suggest you to reconsider this relationship before you regret wasting your precious years with him. It happened to my sister and it destroyed her life. There is no turning back when it comes to time.

[Summeroflove]

I agree. Honestly neither perosn has been honest with one another and communicated what they’re wanting. 15 years is beyond exessive. There’s the other extreme of people who expect to be married in a year even less. That’s…..

But 15 years. You would think they would know if they want to be married or it’s not meant to be

[Summeroflove]

She’s in her 30s she definitely needs to reconsider before it’s too late for her to have kids.

Sometimes finding the right person takes time. So that means it’s probably gonna take years of trail and error to find the right person.

What some people do is waste so many years of their life like this. Then just marry someone….. That’s never a good idea either

[sawno]

"Is it normal that my partner of 15 years has never really brought up marriage or kids?" Yes, there is nothing in it for the guy to marry in the modern times only inescapable personal risk. So many men no longer want marriage, want to have that fix? Petition the politicians to abolish no fault divorce.

The kids part can also be because he's not interested in kids.

[sawno]

Just read the part where he already has kids, he probably isn't interested in more kids. So he has no incentive to ever do either. The whole idea that you should be married is wrong in my eyes, and any sane guy isn't ever going to propose.

[PeachyPie93]

The thing is how have two people who been together for 15 years and lived together not talked about marriage or kids? That is why if you want marriage and a family you do not date an old man who already went through it and probably doesn't want to do it again. I would talk about it with him and if he doesn't want those things and you do, I don't know why you would stay lol. Step up or miss out, that is life so make your choice.

[TheLovelyWoman]

My ex and I dated for a very long time. We know each other in middle school, dated in high school and college. He never once brought up marriage. When we graduated, I wanted to get married and settle, but he did not want to settle. We broke up and his friend dated me and I got married to his friend. After I got married my ex came back. My husband and my ex are still friend.

[DtMe89]

Why buy the cow, when you're getting the milk for free?

The point is, if he hasn't asked you after this long, especially since you're living with him, he's likely not going to

I think you're just afraid at this point, that you've wasted all this time with him

I don't want kids, or marriage

[BonzoInBitburg]

Why would he want to get married? You've been living together for 10 years so there's no reason to get married anymore

[Asker]

I don't know if we wanted to have a child.. isn't marriage better?

[BonzoInBitburg]

Unmarried people have kids all the time.
In most places after living together for a year your relationship is considered a common law marriage so what's the point of a wedding. A wedding doesn't change anything from a legal perspective. That ship has sailed

[Summeroflove]

I honestly thing neither person will communicate what they want. He doesn’t probably want marriage. He thinks all relationships fail. So he’s waiting for this to happen.

If he wanted to get married by now he would have.

[BetaBucks]

What do you feel will change if you get married? Are you concerned about securing resources from him? If he is philosophically against marriage, will you be okay with being life partners?

[jasco]

honestly your not getting married. Like i'm sorry but he's not going to marry you. Your just a safety net at this point. He's with you because he can't find anyone else

[Summeroflove]

Unfortunately this is probably the case.

[Anonymous]

I think you both must be masters of lacking communication and consistency.

[rienna888]

You should bring it up, maybe he’s scared too. And you guys are still young

[HaveNoName]

Without reading the details below your question, have you given the option to your partner of being together without marriage? If yes, then the answer is pretty obvious.

[Anonymous]

have a serious talk with him. you should be comfortable to bring this up to him after 15 years. just don't be surprised at his answers.

[MyBrainsInsaneReign]

If you've been with him for that long and he's never mentioned it, he probably has no intention of getting married.

If marriage and kids is important to you, you probably need to bring this up yourself. Immediately. Like today.

[ProbablyClueless]

If he's not bringing up the conversation, you need to bring it up yourself.

[LiamJHayden]

In general, a man who is already getting the benefits of marriage without the obligations is not going to "rock the boat."

[jahaims]

All of that should be discussed prior to dating let alone a 15 year relationship lmfao

[Asker]

ya i thought it would come up but time just passed LOL

[Summeroflove]

Asker. You haven’t brought it up either. Neither one of you is communicating that’s the problem.

[Summeroflove]

You’re both probably want different things. He doesn’t want to be committed to someone. When he finds someone else he wants to break it off without a messy divorce. If he said he thinks all marriages fail. That’s what he’s waiting for to happen is the relationship fails.

[Jrg98]

I wouldn’t worry about it let it happen when it’s the right time and person

[Anonymous]

15 years. And you're afraid to bring it up... WOW! No it's NOT the guys job to bring it up. Definitely not at this point.

[msc545]

After this long, why rock the boat? Why does marriage matter?

[Cheerfull009]

He just want to have relationship with you for sex only

[Static_In_The_Attic]

If it’s not broken don’t fix it!

[Summeroflove]

I think it is broken. A lot of people fix broken relationships with duct tape

[Static_In_The_Attic]

@Summeroflove At least they tried to fix it & duct tape works.

[Summeroflove]

It works for a time. But it comes off.

People either need to do some serious work and soul searching. Or break off a relationship. Or else it leads to a lifetime of misery.

[Summeroflove]

They keep trying to make something work and thinking they can change the other into who they want them to be. That never works either

[Static_In_The_Attic]

@Summeroflove Marriage is like a hurricane there is a lot of blowing in the beginning & when it’s all said & done your house is gone. Her partner was married once, he’s not stupid & you don’t have to be married to be happy & you don’t have to wait for marriage to have kids either.

[Summeroflove]

No. But both people should have communicated what they want. If he’s not wanting to get married. He should say that. If she is she should say that.

Most people don’t marry for the right reasons that’s why they fail. It’s fine if both people are looking for something different. But COMMUNICATE

[Summeroflove]

If he’s not looking to be married. Then that’s fine. He should have said that years ago. She should have said she’s wanting to years ago.