Should I stay with a partner I love who never wants kids or marriage?

Question

I feel terrible. The person I've been sharing my life with for three years doesn't want to have kids but it's more complicated than that. When I met him he said he wanted to get married and have more kids but for the past three years every time I speak about the topic he always comes up with something and says I'm not ready to be a Mother and a Wife. We broke up very recently but still live in the same house and keep having an amicable relationship. We love each other very much but love doesn't seem to be enough to secure this relationship as we want different things in life at different times. Is it even worth it to put what you want aside and save the relationship?

HollyK21 · Accepted Answer

I’m fully engaged to someone I officially have been with for 4 years as of this past February. He knew basically from the beginning that marriage and at least one baby were important milestones for me, he wanted the same thing and since establishing that it’s never been something to vacillate on, we have just been progressing through each stage that we’ve both mutually wanted from the beginning. As I said, we are serious enough to be engaged, we love each other beyond measure, yet if he were to change his mind about getting married or having kids, as devastatingly heartbreaking as it would be for me, it would have be the end. Why? Because those are two hugely important milestones that I want for myself, and two experiences I do not think are fair to rob myself of.

In your case, ultimately you just have to decide what you can live with. I couldn’t determine whether or not your boyfriend ever actually wanted marriage and kids with you, or if he was just saying what you wanted to hear in order to get what he wants. At the end of the day though, whether he lied or had a change of heart — it is what it is now and doesn’t want to share those milestones with you anymore. So if you can swallow that and live with it then you’ve got to make peace with that choice, you can’t have the conversation anymore, can’t twist his arm or argue whenever the reality is hitting and hurting, you would have to accept it.

Personally I don’t think that’s what you want, it sounds like a massive sacrifice since you keep fighting him about it. He’s already had a kid or kids, he’s had the experience you’re ready to give up for him. His legacy will live on, yours won’t. So you’ve got a lot to think about, and I hope you make that choice with your head and not your heart.

Rei13 · Accepted Answer

If you want children and he does not that is a valid reason to end a relationship. It doesn’t make either of you bad people, you just want different things and if you stay in a relationship it can lead to resentment later

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

Well is he right

Either there is something that he sees within you that you can see

Or he new what to say when you were getting together it was a manipulation and if that's the case then he's using those other words about you not being fit to be a mother and you're not ready for kids then he's using that as a manipulation too you have to figure out which one it is

Because there's a couple things you can do about it you need to have some money and you need to move out let him think about it because if it wasn't manipulation maybe that manipulation turned into love but he's not going to tell you because he's playing that card for last but whatever the case you need to do whatever in your heart

And to be honest with you no matter which way he's thinking nobody should have children right now because we don't know which direction the world's headed in and it's the last thing you need to try to stay safe if the world takes a big shit and then you also have to protect your baby and that's going to get difficult so you have to weigh it all out

Kids are the most beautiful thing in the world and I would be lost without mine but I would not have kids probably for the next couple years but that's just me you have to do it in your heart but you have to be prepared for everything comes after

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Can i be honest the woman i love for over 2 years now Danielle she can't have kids due to health reasons and I might not be able to have kids either due to health reasons (which I'm not entirely certain if i can or can't have kids) but i would do anything anything in this world to be married to that boss queen goddess ❤️🤍🤍. Whenever i brought up the M word she would lash out and omg i wouldn't hear the end of it holy shit i don't want to get into the verbal lashings i would get whenever i brought the M word up even though being married to her would be like heaven on earth. After the first several thousand scoldings from her i stopped mentioning the M word. Even though in my heart i would do anything to be married to her even though it would be heaven

Anyways i still try to help her with her kids for the first two years it was financial but she doesn't want my financial help anymore and all i can do is pray for their health well-being happiness and success in life. You gotta understand something I love this woman with all my heart and soul and i probably always will too. She's already a great mother and fantastic role model for her kids what kind of boss queen goddess would she be if she wasn't that already

OlderAndWiser · Answer

For most people, this would be a deal breaker. Put is aside to save the relationship and you will resent him for the rest of your life. Your biological clock is ticking and you can't waste any more time on this guy if you want children. You are right, love is not enough to make a relationship work, and love alone is not enough reason too salvage a relationship that appears to be doomed.

Finchie40 · Answer

That decision has to come from you , just because you love someone , it doesn’t mean you have to be with that someone , especially if they don’t want the same things as you do , sometimes we have to let someone we love go , because they aren’t on the same page as you. Life is too short to miss out on things that you want just to appease someone else.

AviatorTom · Answer

That's your decision to make. Asking a collection of random strangers on GaG might give you advice, some of it good, some of it bad, but ultimately it's up to you.

nolabels · Answer

I made it adamantly clear before marriage that I didn't want kids.
My then girlfriend/fiancé agreed to that arrangement, or so I thought.
After a few years of marriage, I was tricked into having kids.
I love my son, but I didn't want, nor should I have, kids.

My wife passed very recently, and my son is now 28.
I love him.

I still shouldn't have had kids.

If you can live without having kids, and you won't trick your guy as I was tricked, go for it.
The urge to have kids, though, is the strongest urge known to mankind, myself excepted.

Nikki1989 · Answer

When love is real, it’s incredibly painful to realize that love alone can’t bridge a fundamental difference in life goals. But that doesn’t invalidate your desires, nor does it invalidate his. It just means the two of you are standing at a crossroads where neither path lets both people stay whole. Is it worthwhile to continue pushing forward despite the challenges? Only you can make that decision.

Theunfadeable · Answer

it sounds like you knew the answer before you asked the question. If you know you wanna be married and have kids and then you need to do a 180. We know this guy isn’t serious. so you need to forget about him and find a guy who really serious about marriage.

CriminallyInsane · Answer

I just went through this exact thing not that long ago. I reached my limit on waiting for his mind to change when it wasn't going to. He was never going to be ready. I think you will be unhappy and resent him and regret wasting more time when you realize he isn't going to change his mind. I suggest you move on.

JustinTheGreat · Answer

Relationships are about more than just love. You could love each other more than anything in the world but if you don’t want the same things out of life, then it’s not gonna work.

Don’t hold on thinking his mind is going to change one day. You’re gonna end up wasting your own time and his. And the longer you hang on, the harder it will be to let go

jazzy34 · Answer

“I feel terrible. The person I've been sharing my life with for three years doesn't want to have kids but it's more complicated than that.”

There’s your answer right there, honey. Do you want to feel terrible for the rest of your life? Nothing you do will ever change his mind.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

"Is it even worth it to put what you want aside and save the relationship?" I don't think a relationship needs to be saved by me or anyone else. I don't think anyone planning for kids or marriage in advance is reliable.  I think putting aside what is important to me for does not do me any good.

OneViewpoint · Answer

This is a "YOU" question and I can't answer it for you. No one can. Weigh the sacrifice he is asking you to make against what he brings to your life. Make your choice.

Will you eventually regret your choice and resent him? Possibly. Will you eventually let go of your dream of having kids and enjoy a life with more freedom? Possibly. Do you have time to start over at 36-45? Possibly.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Answer

He says YOU aren’t ready? Girl, dump his ass. The man’s a bitch, blaming you for all the issues in the relationship

ChicoFromThe305 · Answer

Are there any children in the household cause you said more children which I assume y'all have some now, in that case they should be in mind when making the decisions

Anonymous · Answer

If you want kids - don't stay. If you want to marry - don't stay. You seem not to be lucky, so go.

queenofcardio · Answer

Sometimes love isn't enough.

LC75LC71 · Answer

Move the fuck out. Stop making excuses and roll out.

msc545 · Answer

No, you should go find another partner that you can't stand but who wants kids or marriage, because apparently you think these are more important than love.

Anonymous · Answer

No. He does not want what you want. Stay friends if you can but break up.

Jeff51 · Answer

You have to really think it over. I know 3 years is awhile but if he truly don't wants kids then you should think hard about staying or leaving him.

whosnumber_1 · Answer

He said that your not ready to be a mother and a wife?

Qiero · Answer

How do you get i it that situation for all those years

slatyb · Answer

I don't know. He lied to you.

zagor · Answer

Better not wait too long.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Your life goals are different. Move on.

Pterodon · Answer

Only you can answer that but most would walk

blackeagle007 · Answer

What is it you really want now? Think that

jahaims · Answer

Retarded

In_Trance · Answer

Move on

Anonymous · Answer

It's your choice.

Should I stay with a partner I love who never wants kids or marriage?

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