He can pull out all the excuses in the book, but that's just what they are - excuses. Bottom line, he doesn't want to get married to you now. Whatever his reasons are, you need to make some choices, because this constant arguing will wear this relationship down.
You can stay with him and have faith that he will do you right.
The trust in this relationship goes both ways you know. He could feel that you are questioning his devotion to you by demanding that you make it legal. He could want you to trust him to do what he says he's going to do, and when you talk about marriage - your desire to do it now - he could be hearing that you don't believe it would ever happen. That you think he could be lying to you. I understand that those aren't your true reasons (I hope!), but it could come across that way and make him feel betrayed by your lack of confidence in keeping his word. This is a tug of war that can ruin the best relationships.
You can leave him and toss away a four year relationship.
Only he knows what his true intentions are. But you would be the next closest person to know. If you feel his feelings aren't ever going to change, and you will never get what you want - leave. What else can you do but stay and tear each other down bit by bit? Might as well get it over with in one swift swoop. No reason to stay if you don't think he'll ever propose, you will only be wasting more time.
If you can force a proposal from him - how would that make you feel? That you had to coerce your boyfriend into proposing instead of him deciding on his own? I completely understand you desires and willingness to get it done - but I don't understand why you are so dissmisive of his feelings. Marriage should be about the both of you, and you are making this about you. There is no compromise here - you're either married or not. I'm not bashing you I promise, I understand how much this can hurt - I've been there as well. I know you are trying to relate to him and what he's going through, but I think your own feelings are getting in the way. So you can stay and accept him doing it when he wants to, or you can go because you aren't getting what you want - there is no middle ground on this. If you continue to try and get a proposal out of him, your relationship will fail eventually.
I think he will marry you, I really do, because I have faith in love.
Good luck.
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I have to say, I am going to side a lot with him. The economy does really suck, and as a man, he is seen to support the family, whether you work or not. And if he looses his job, that's a horrible feeling for a man who's supposed to provide for his family. And what if you get pregnant? Even with protection it happens. Then you got a baby and doctor bills on the way. His sister's marriage failed...a lot of people see so many marriages failing today that it scares them, and I don't blame them. But, you guys aren't his sister either. Not having enough money for a ring or a wedding...now that makes perfect sense to me. Many guys, believe it or not, when they meet the girl they do want to marry want to give her the ring and wedding of her dreams. He probably doesn't want to see you sell yourself short with a courthouse wedding. Trust me, being an Army wife, I talk to many many wives who did that and regret not waiting to have an actual ceremony. They don't regret getting married to their Soldier, just that they didn't have a wedding. And no one should go into a marriage when their financially unstable. That's a really bad way to start out a marriage. He's obviously not ready, so quit pushing him or your gonna push him away for good. He could be getting ready to propose, but your ruining it by bugging him constantly about marriage. Moving in together is fine, but you need to tell him you want to get married within "X" amount of years (make it reasonable, like 3 or 4, not 1 or2) or else your going to move on. You obviously want to get married, and it sounds like he does too, but he's just not ready. Just give him time. Just because you've been dating for a while doesn't mean he is ready to tie the knot right now. But, if you are, you need to tell him that and your not looking to "date" the rest of your lives and if he is, then you need to move on. Because marriage is a huge deal, and if only one partner wants it, how can the relationship possibly work out without someone settling and later regretting it?
Ok first of all..thinks you will get fat/bitchy...? What kind of response is that to someone he loves? Have you had any problems with him such as lying..cheating? I was with my ex husband for 6 years. Then when we tied the knot..it went downhill. Infact he never came home for our first wedding anniversary. And you are only 22..I got married when I was 18. Your still so young. Don't make the same mistakes I did. I loved him more than life and he did too..but apparently he wasn't as serious about me..even after 6 years. Don't rush into anything. My ex feels I rushed him into marraige..which is probably true because I felt the same way you do. But please don't rush it. The only "title" you should have right now is "in a relationship". Finish college..see where things lead to. Your only 22 and most woman don't even get married til their late 20's early 30's. He probably is committed to you..but is not ready for THAT type of committment. He's worried about how having a title on the relationship might control his life. Maybe he has committment issues? Do you two have any kids? Does he? They can also play a part in his decision. My advice is not to rush..at all..by any means. Think about how much better it will be when he bends down and pulls out a ring ON HIS OWN influence. That way..he would be making his OWN decision, not the one you made for him.
What does he think marriage means?
Being financially stable makes sense for not wanting to have kids right now. If that what he thinks being married means, then it is a valid concern. However, the counter would be what would happen if you got pregnant? (Assuming that you are having sex.) If you wanted to keep it, what would he do?
He's saying he's afraid that the marriage will fail. Why? Does that mean he is thinking that the relationship will fail? Because that's what he's saying.
Marriage means a commitment that you will be there for each other through the hard times. Is he willing to do that or not?
I'm guessing no. Here's why. My bet is you two are already having sex. He has the freedom to do whatever he wants (except cheat on you I'm guessing...) is getting sex and has even brought up the idea of you moving in to be what? Someone to cook and clean while he's off galavanting?
Face it, he's 29 and addicted to the single life style. He's getting what he wants, why should he change?
And if you think the marriage subject is causing problem, wait until the subject of having kids comes up.
He needs to grow up. While he's the older one in the relationship, it's almost like your ages are switched.
You don't need to give an ultimatum, but let him know that he needs to man up and come up with an idea of where this relationship is going, and shacking up isn't it.
He's playing you. You're allowing him to play you.
After 4 years, it's obvious that he doesn't want marriage.
No matter what, there will always be one more hurdle, one more change, one more step before he's ready to propose. Once the economy improves, he'll need a better job before marriage. Once he gets the job, he'll want to pay off the car loan before marriage. Once the car loan's paid, he'll need the promotion before marriage. Once he gets the promotion, he'll want to save up cash for the honeymoon vacation...
You're not stupid. You've seen this same pattern for 4 years. But you elected to ignore it, and hoped that if you wished hard enough and worked hard enough, that he would change. But he won't change. This pattern will continue as long as you allow it to continue.
But things haven't changed. And they won't change.
The real question is, why have you tolerated this for 4 years when you want marriage? After a year without a proposal, it was obvious that you and him wanted different things.
Just because you bought a ticket on the Titanic doesn't mean you have to go down with the ship. Escape on the next lifeboat.
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Look don't buy the economy and pregnancy bull. You're having sex with him and that means you could get pregnant at anytime. You're already living together so the economy has nothing to do with it unless you're going to leave him if he looses his job now. Basically he's scared. I f he's a good man don't leave him because believe me it's going to be hell trying to find someone better. So what you do is give him a little push in the right direction. Let him know that you won't wait forever but don't give him a time for how long you think you'll wait either. Just let him know he needs to figure out if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and to tell you, because if he already knows he doesn't he should tell you so you can go find the man who does. Also you should talk about what being married means because you are already doing everything married people do. Ask him does he expect you to stay with him if he gains weight, gets old, gets in a car wreck and can't walk. Then you expect him to stay with you if you gain weight or get older. But trying to keep him happy should be your duty as a wife. Just like it is his to do the same. So try not to let yourself go. Also tell him what you expect from him too (not cheat, don't stay out late, always answer when I call, don't flirt and don't take advice from single or bitter people). That goes for both of you.
I'm going to play a little devil's advocate here because everything that he raises is a legitimate issue; The economy does suck and jobs are being lost, over 50% of marriages do fail, and being financially secure is a great goal. However, it is also a bit committment-phobic. If we wait for the perfect moment in life to do things, marriage included, it will never happen because life isn't perfect and full of unknowns.
I do think that you guys have taken those first steps towards a larger committment and maybe you should be satisfied with that for the time being. What is marriage going to do for you that your existing relationship isn't?
As well, it's you that isn't living up to the original plan. Perhaps he should be told that when you walk across that stage he better be waiting at the bottom of the steps with a ring and a proposal.Is there really a big rush? Marriage obviously means a lot 2 you but its also obvious it doesn't mean the same to him. You need to give him time prove to him that your not gonna change if you's do get married and the only thing that will change is your name and make you's closer together. I'm in the complete oppistie situation I'm 22 and he's 29 exactly the same, we are looking for a house of our own and I know he would propose 2mora if he could but we have talked about it seriously and we both don't have the money for a wedding. I look at exactly how your boyfriend would and my boyfriend would look at it as you would but realisticly it doesn't mean I don't want to marry him just means I want things to be right and I know there is no rush as the way I see it we do have the rest of our lives to org it. hope this helped
I could understand if he felt this way 2 years into the relationship. But 4 years! That's BS! Looks like he is just wanting the privileges of having a live-in Girlfriend without the commitment-is that what you want? I don't think so. Does He really need to have a "trial period" after 4 years? If he's worrying that you're gonna get fat etc that should be a red flag to you...marraiage is about staying with the person in sickness or health, for richer or poorer, skinny or fat. If he is not willing to go through the hard times with you-are you sure you still want to marry him? What happens if you do get married and you do gain weight, or your finnces aren't that good-and he's not there for you. Sounds like he is more worried about himself than making you happy. Maybe you should move on.
He probably doesn't want to commit to someone over time because they might change. You might gain weight, you might get into an accident, you might get cancer, you might become an alcoholic.. It doesn't seem like he is willng to commit to you. I think you should leave. Guys who are single at his age usually have commitment issues.
I can say that you are too young for such game, I think the guy in question is not ready to settle down yet, and don't make it look like you are forcing the guy to married u, I believe the guy is not really in love, he don't want it to seem that he we be the one to talk of break up , him is just waiting for fact to comes from u, any way you need to be careful, bcos that guy I think he is a player, if you still think of moving on please be careful.
If you've told him multiple times that this is important to you and he is still not committing, then he's just not that into you. All the excuses he's giving you are just that, excuses.
If everything is so great then why the need to get married? Be happy with what you've got.
Marriage should be easy, romantic and simple. If there are doubts, don't force it, you should both be happy and easy with the idea.
I would REALLY like to know what happened here. I know this was over a year ago but I'm in the exact same situation and it would really mean something to me if I knew what happened with this situation
A man knows he wants to marry you usually within a year. Nobody if you live together or not. Clearly he doesn't
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