Should he propose before we buy a house together?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 months (I know it sounds like a short time, but we just know that we belong together)... We both are at a point in our lives where buying a house is possible. His intentions are to do so near the end of the year. He has been saving to buy a house, and so have I... and he asked recently if I'd like to buy a house together. The thought had already crossed my mind, but I hadn't said it out loud. Does this mean he wants to be with me forever? Should I have a ring first?

[MrOracle]

You may not realize this, but buying a house together is a HUGE business and financial commitment, and one that can have lots of unintended consequences if things go wrong.

Some examples:

What will you do if you break up? Can one of you afford to buy the other out (I doubt it)? Will you sell the house? What if you are upside-down on the mortgage because values plummeted? What if he stops paying; will you let YOUR credit be destroyed too, or can you afford the entire payment yourself? What about the property taxes?

What if you find you can't live together? Maybe he's a slob, or 3 months after moving in decides that all the walls need to be painted neon green? What if he cheats on you? Or what if you just realize that you don't feel as strongly about each other as you thought?

Buying a house is WAY different from renting one, and if you are not already a legally-joined entity, you'd better go over all of these potential issues with a lawyer and have a good contract drawn up, because when things go bad, people who "love you" can do some very rotton, nasty things sometimes, and it can take a decade or more for you to recover, so you really can't take this lightly.

[Asker]

This is a very in depth answer, and I appreciate it. These are definitely things to consider. We're talking about buying because we both feel renting is like throwing $ away. Do you think we should be married first? Is engaged not enough? I know you need to consider all possible things that can go wrong, but I really think we'll be good! Hmm...

[MrOracle]

Engaged isn't a legal state; married is. Marriage gives you much different legal status over something like a house. So if you aren't married, you really MUST get a contract to protect yourself (to protect BOTH of you).

You may FEEL "love" and "reason" and "responsibility', but buying a house together is BUSINESS, and don't fool yourself into believing that is the same thing. You don't want to rent because that's bad business, right? Same idea.

[Asker]

So what if he bought the house, and I helped with the down payment, etc.. but we had a contract saying IF anything went wrong that he'd have to reimburse me? Or at that rate should we just do it together? I don't think I'd get married 7 months from now... but, I'd certainly be ready to live with him, and if he proposed tomorrow I would say yes.. So that would be good at any time..

[MrOracle]

IMO, given that you haven't even lived together yet, you really have NO IDEA what you might be getting into. But getting OUT of a co-owned house is NOT easy, especially if he doesn't have the cash to buy you out.

I really recommend you rent for a year and see how things go. You might find you are perfect for each other and really want to spend the rest of your lives together, or you might be broken up in 3 months. Many stories end like the latter. You can always buy a house a year from now.

[Asker]

He's got a child, and is living with his parents right now to save money. I KNOW he's not going to wait an additional year there, and you have to assume a year of renting would be a minimum of $12,000 thrown down the drain... I do spend the night with him every night, am with him the entire weekend, and apart from going home to shower/change and go to work I'm with him ALL the time. I just don't keep my clothes at his house. This is similar to living together... or do you think not at all?

[MrOracle]

Well, that makes me more comfortable with the idea.

But IMO, make up a contract and loan him the money to get the house, under the condition that if you break up, he needs to repay you. Once you get married, you'll own it together anyway.

[Asker]

So you no longer think it's incredibly crazy? Lol

I think that is a smart idea with the contract, and calling it a "loan" even though it won't be.. We wouldn't have both of our names on it then though... so wouldn't the loan amount we get be based solely off his income? We'd like to do it together so we can get something larger, and nicer.. I'll be making 100,000 after next year, and he'll be making close to it also..

[sixstring]

I don't really see the need for a ring before moving in together. A ring is a symbol of commitment, not commitment in itself. And so is buying a house together.

[Asker]

That is true. It's just much different to buy a house together than to move in with each other. I think buying together is a much larger commitment. We SHOULD discuss marriage though, don't you think?

[sixstring]

Discuss it, certainly?

[sixstring]

*Discuss it? Certainly.

[sixstring]

Oh wait, now I read after 2 months. I strongly suggest just moving in together, buying a house after 9 months is a bit sudden.

[Asker]

Renting is basically throwing money away though. What would be the best option? Let him buy a house, and just live with him. We could get something much nicer with a combined down payment, and with both of our incomes..

[CatholicVirginia]

I really think that's insane. Is it going to be in both of your names? It doesn't matter that you think you belong together. That's a HUGE commitment. If you really belong together, then why not put it off? If you're right, then you'll still be together in a few months.

You have no idea how messy things get when there's property involved and you don't last. This isn't the kind of decision you should make after two months. It's nice that you think you belong together, but you should be together for a while and KNOW and prove you belong together before you do something this big.

[Asker]

How else would we do it if we're both putting in $ for the down payment, and could get a larger loan together. What would you suggest instead? This won't be for at least 7 months anyway? The reason we'd like to do it is because we want to live together, and feel that renting is throwing money away. 9 months is still a short time, but not THAT short...?

[CatholicVirginia]

I suggest not doing this at all. It's a huge commitment, especially at your age, and it is going to bite you in the ass. listen to Oracle. He's got a good grasp and is saying everything much better than I.

[Asker]

Agh.. Well then what? I definitely want to live with him... What other option is there? Renting is just SO stupid from the financial aspect..

[CatholicVirginia]

Not really. Renting is smart at your age, especially given the time you've known him. Because guess who's going to get stuck with the bills when things go wrong with the house and you two split up?

If you do this, chances are 99.99998% that you are going to regret it. Don't rush into these kinds of things.

[Asker]

IDK if renting is ever smart. In a year we'd have thrown away at least $12,000 minimum. How is that smart?

[CatholicVirginia]

That's smart because you are going to end up regretting this and going into even more debt and complications in the future, whereas with renting then you've thrown away $12000 but have no complications and no other debts. It's cheaper in the long run.

[Lett0385]

I think that you should go for it, My fiancee and I decided to buy the house first before getting married simply because we knew that we wanted to share our lives together and we wanted to use our money on something will were going to need in our future instead of spending it on our wedding, I think that right now if you both are in the position of buying go for it, the wedding will come regardless.

[Asker]

How quickly did you know that your fiance was the one for you? I just really know it in my heart that he's perfect for me, and he's said he feels the same. I know 2 months sounds really soon, but we aren't going to do it tomorrow.. this is still at least 7 months away... A lot of other responses suggest this is a dumb idea..

[CatholicVirginia]

Did you and your fiancee only know each other for two months, Lett?

[kdizzleforizzle91]

My cousin and her boyfriend have been together for about 10 years, still aren't married, and they have a house together.

As far as not being together long, I think that when you know, you know. My parents are a great example - from the day they met to the day they were married, they'd only known each other 9 months. They'll be married 22 years this July.

[Asker]

Awe, congratulations to your parents! :) I really do just feel he's the right one for me... I've NEVER felt this way about anyone, and neither has he. It's hard to explain... I understand why other people don't get it because I would've thought it sounded stupid too before I met him.. Hmm

[CatholicVirginia]

By the way, most importantly, if you are asking OUR opinion, this isn't right for you. You clearly have doubts. Don't do this until you are sure and secure about the situation (and if he loves you the way you seem to think he does, he won't want you to do anything until you are absolutely positive it's the right thing).

[Asker]

I was only asking if others thought he should propose first, and if he's asking me to buy a house with him if you THINK it means that he wants to be with me forever. I'm not doubting or second guessing our situation... I'm completely in love, and I KNOW that he loves me equally... I'm not doubting if it's right.. I'm just asking what others think his intentions are...

[CatholicVirginia]

Then why would you need him to propose? Answer: Because you doubt, somewhere, that the situation will last. You're asking us if he should bind himself to you further before you trust him with getting a house.

[Asker]

No.. because I love him SO much, and I can see myself married to him, and having children with him, and I'd love to make that step. Buying a house is a huge commitment.. and I don't want any children of my own until I am married, but if we're in a house together, living together, raising his son together... I'd like to be moving towards being married so I can become a mother...

[CatholicVirginia]

Once again, if you need to ask us, there is doubt on your end. Otherwise, you'd buy this house with him and trust that he's going to propose when he's ready.You only go to outside sources when you have doubts or need help yourself.

[Anonymous]

Wait about 10 months longer. Yes, don't buy a house together until you're married and have it all worked out legally. If one of you buys the house themselves and the other just lives in it paying rent, that's different.

[Asker]

Wait a full year? We'll have been together at least 9 months at the point when we were considering purchasing. It's not like we're going to do it tomorrow.. you think married before buying, not just engaged?

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, I do...because then it becomes part of the total negotiation that is necessary before getting married. Being in love is one thing, but it doesn't solve differences in opinions concerning things like financies, child rearing, lifestyle choices.

[devangt]

Get a prenup,let him propose You and then you guys marry each other.Then buy house,car and whatever asset You want to buy.

[Asker]

I don't think a prenup is necessary? You suggest marriage prior to buying though?

[FaceInTheCrowd]

I think your foolish to be talking marriage so soon ... OK I'll just shut up now =(

[Asker]

Keep in mind the house purchase wouldn't be for at least another 7 months... you think THAT is too soon? I'm not even saying I'd like to get married right away, but I'd definitely say yes if he asked me to marry him. He's perfect for me. I'd want a long engagement though..

[Nrose28]

I think some type of commitment should be talked about before buying a house together. Otherwise if your helping with the downpayment & mthly mortage. Whts in for u?