Wishy-washy boyfriend won't propose.

[Anonymous]

The best I can do is say wishy washy because I've been so confused by his words and actions. Anyhow, my boyfriend of 2 years (living together for 1), has really confused me with our future. he's 30, I'm 28. After 6 months of dating, he gave me a 'pre engagement" ring as he called it. I thought it was way too soon for that. So now I've brought up the topic of marriage about 3 times in the last year and every time he gets pretty defensive and tells me he wants to marry me, just isn't sure when. Maybe 5 months, or 10 years. He says he doesn't know. Well, I don't want to give him an ultimatum, at all! But I'm so lost on his telling me one thing and having done another. I do NOT want to wait 10 years. I really don't know what to do at this point. What could be his feelings on this from a guy view? Thanks :)

[Anonymous]

Really sounds like y'all are not in the same place with what you want. If you want to be married, don't give him an ultimatum...that will cause resentment later. Just tell him you need to be on your own while you both figure out what you really need and want. You'll know where he stands at that point.

My husband lived with a girl before he met me. They both wore rings to show a commitment and talked of marriage but he just couldn't propose. They were together for 4 1/2 years, and he would tell her someday when things were right they would marry. She gave him an ultimatum and he moved out. I dated him for less than a year (didn't live together) and he proposed and we were married 8 months later. He said he never had a doubt with me and couldn't wait to marry me.

I would find out why he's hesitant, tell him what you need, then go from there.

Take care!

[Asker]

thank you for responding, your answer is great. I have been engaged before and I know when a guy wants to get married, he will ask, no dancing around the subject. I just am confused to the reason as why he gave me a ring so long ago, and never moved forward after that, but still found me good enough to live with. thank you :)

[why-makoto-kun]

Worst case scenario: it sounds like he's happy where things are right now and doesn't want to be committed in case something better comes along. But that's my cynical take :(

Definitely talk to him about it again. You may need to move on if he won't talk to you, because the communication seems to be more of an issue than whether or not he's marrying you (though that is also a big deal).

Try the book "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi to sort out the specifics.

Best of luck, sweetie.

[Asker]

thank you for your response. I really am worried with the fact that when we have spoken about the matter, he doesn't give me reasons. He doesn't really open up. He just, says his point and that is that. I will look into that book, thank you so much! :)

[Robertinho]

Ms. i need your advice on something similar... well sort of. If you can reply back asap, thank you. :-(

[RedSmartie]

I really think you should sit down with him and have a serious conversation about it. If marriage is something that you see in your future but he does not then you deserve to know now. Get an actual time frame. Find out what is holding him back. Two years is still a bit short so if he's not ready that's okay, but I would say give him the ultimatum after four. If he doesn't know then, he might never know.

[Asker]

thanks for responding :) I do know two years is pushing it, I really am in no rush to get married in the next few months heh, but the topic became important to me because we discussed us having kids and I said there is no way I'm having kids unless I'm married. Well, it eventually came to me asking 'If I were to get pregnant, would you marry me if we weren't already?" and his response was "No." So I guess there is my answer there, right? But why the ring, why live with me? thanks for responding :)

[myspacemybroke]

Why does it matter? If you're happy together, then why do you need a ceremony and writing? What's wrong with waiting ten years? What's wrong with never getting married?

[Asker]

Well thanks for responding, and basically marriage truly is more than just 'writing'. Its about becoming a family. Its about the day, if we became parents, that I would have the same last name as my child. OR if something were to happen to either one of us, something bad, we would have rights to take care of legal matters. Besides the fact that when he and I met, he said he wanted to get married and even gave me a ring early on. My question was based mainly in confusion. Thanks for responding.

[Anonymous]

i think his feelings must be very hesitant and unsure about this next step.

[Anonymous]

Move on and get a real man and stop wasting your time.

[Asker]

Thanks for responding, its really right to the point ha ha and I guess something I need to hear, thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

You are welcome. From what you describe you really should consider asking your man to consider being more assertive or finding a more assertive guy. Best of luck to you