Girlfriend demanding more gifts and flowers?...Is this accepatable?

Question

My girlfriend recently stated she is frustrated with me becuase I'm not giving her enough flowers, chocolates, and surprise gifts. Now of course I give her flowers and things on V-day, b days, special occasions, etc. But apparently that's not good enough. Is this acceptable to say? Should I take offense?

celestialdaeva · Accepted Answer

Depends on if she's in it for the materialism or the sentiment. If you went to her house and left a post-it note on her mirror that said "I love you", would that be an exciting surprise for her when she finds it? If so, then she probably isn't into gifts just for materialistic reasons.

Google and read about the 5 "love languages". The theory is that there are 5 general "love languages" - ways people show or feel love - and most people have one or 2 dominant languages. The love languages are 1) physical touch; 2) quality time; 3) words of affirmation; 4) acts of service; and 5) gifts. What's funny is I just listed those in the order in which they are dominant to ME without even realizing it.

So to use myself as an example, when I took the love language quiz, I scored high on both physical touch and quality time. Gifts almost didn't even register. Bringing me flowers does NOT make me feel loved. But snuggling with me absolutely does. Acts of service were pretty low on my list, too.

Most people tend to show love in one of the same ways they feel it. People just assume some its a loving gesture to them that it'll be interpreted as such by the other person.

So if I were in a relationship with someone whose love languages were exactly opposite of mine, I might try to show love by snuggling, but since physical touch doesn't make him feel loved he might just be annoyed that I'm all up in his space - especially if he doesn't realize it's intended to be a loving act. Conversely, he might spend an afternoon washing my car far me, which I might insecurely feel meant he didn't want to spend time with me.

See how good intentions get misinterpreted or completely missed altogether? If you figure out wah others "love languages" it'll help in 2 ways:

1) you can make an effort to do more things to show love in the other persons language

2) you can recognize when they are doing something they feel is loving for you, even if its not in your dominant language - just knowing the intent can help you feel it anyway.

Seriously. Google it, both of you take the quizzes, and enjoy the newfound understanding.

IN THE ALTERNATIVE... If the "I love you" post-it note WOULDN'T be an exciting surprise for her, then to hell with her. Unless you WANT to be a sugar daddy - time to jump ship.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

No don't take offence! These are romantic gestures she is asking for. Her view of romantic gestures is limited but she is plainly asking you to show your romance more often. I understand why she would be frustrated. It might not seem like you like her enough if she compares to other couples (if she knows any that do act like that). My boyfriend is constantly giving me surprise gifts. Little things, like I said I liked X subject and two days later he had a book on it for me. I found it romantic because he listened to what I said. He told me he spent a week looking for a plate to match the one I told him I loved when I was little. To me that was romantic. He's come over at least 3 separate times with chocolate to share with me. Just a bit of Ghiradeli but it was super cute!

My mother's boyfriend buys her flowers all the time! I was with him in the store once and he spotted a cute bouquet and he exclaimed, "oh your mom would LOVE those!" and brought them home for her. Her boyfriend prior was a gift crazy man! He would send her love notes all the time and gifts as well as beautiful flowers. She never asked for it, she's just has a magnetic attraction and guys do these things for her all the time.

My sister's boyfriend would often surprise her with romantic gifts for no reason as well. And my grandpa would write love notes for my grandma all year. Sometimes every day in a week!

This is how I am used to seeing affection. To me, a flower for no reason is worth more than a flower for Valentine's day. Romance is generally better when it is a surprise. I've never told my boyfriend's to do those sort of things. I guess when they see my whole family act like that they start to do the same. They see my mother and sister's face light up to a single random flower and then they follow the example.

She is asking for romance. There are different forms of it. She is looking for the materialistic romance. Nothing wrong with it. To me, when someone gives someone a flower for no reason, its as if they saw the beautiful flower and couldn't stop thinking of the girl they liked so they thought to give the flower. Same with presents, you thought of that person. Its the thought that counts the most.

why-makoto-kun · Accepted Answer

No, it's not! She shouldn't be demanding for you to do anything besides respect her and honor the relationship boundaries you established. I have had few boyfriends who did nice things for me like that, and the last thing I would do is demand more of it. She's not good for you, and her demands will probably get larger in time. Dump her.

HOWEVER, once, I had a boyfriend who was really cheap and bragged about how he bought his ex a $150 dress and his other ex "made" him pay for everything (dinner, etc.). Mind you, I took special precautions not to make him spend money (free movie tickets, etc.) and it hurt that he treated his exes better than me, so I told him this and said "well, what about me?" Then he gave a HUGE guilt trip and later complained about giving Christmas and birthday gifts (as I did for him). This is part of the reason why I don't want a guy spending money on me; he likely thinks I'm not worth it, and I look like a huge beeyotch for wanting to be treated as well as his exes (after he brags about how much he spent on them unsolicited).

VoiceOfReason · Accepted Answer

It is evident she doesn't appreciate your spontaneity and feels that she should be drowning in gifts as a sign of affection. The truth is anyone can drop gifts of affection on someone but if it's not heart felt, then it kind of defeats the purpose. If she has to clue you in to when she feels she needs a gift, then perhaps her true feelings are either displaced or she is totally clueless as to what the gesture means.

You do shopping lists to get groceries, school supplies, items to do projects around the house. The only time it's acceptable to make a list is during Christmas, where the person would say I really would like this or it would be nice if I got that.

If she's so adamant about getting gifts on a regular basis, perhaps she needs some form of gainful employment that will entitle her to gift herself, or maybe you just need a new girlfriend who values and appreciates you, her relationship with you over material things.

I'm not saying that you should only gift her on special occasions or holidays, but what I am saying is that she should be happy whenever you feel like gifting her. It's terrible when someone does that (man or woman) because the fact that you genuinely love her should really be gift enough.

asdaven · Accepted Answer

She wants you to spend more money on her. She can't have expectations like that that, Money=love and affection for her. It dosent. Going out of your way and getting some special for her on a special occasion or when she's having a bad day, etc is very nice. But she can't expect you to. Its nice but shouldn't be a requirement. If you tell her and show her you love her and care about her, that should be what matters.  Spending time with her and showing you care is what counts. If she only sees that by you buying her stuff and showering her with gifts and worshipping her, that's not fair. I'm sorry to say this but if this is truly the case, she is a prissy shallow spoiled bitch.  Some girls are just like that. Relationships are about love and caring for each other not about buying stuff all the time and showering with gifts. Money doesn't buy or equate love.

Brelee625 · Answer

Dude, honestly she's asking too much. All I ask of my boyfriend is to spend time with me when he can, call me when he can, and if he surprises me great if he doesn't oh well at least I get to spend time with him. I don't expect flowers from my boyfriend when I see him yet he always gets me white roses. I tell him flat out I don't expect you to spend a lot of money on me. I made him an Easter basket with dj style headphones that cost five bucks, a homemade cd, a classical cd, a gag gift of a lego flashlight because I thought it was cute and funny, and finally his favorite candy.  he told me I didn't need to get him anything because the best thing he could have was spending time with me. He spoiled me for Valentine's day and I wanted to spoil him back. It should be a give and take not a give give give. If she is doing that to you, you have to ask yourself is this the kind of relationship I want? Do I want to be shelling out money constantly for a girl who doesn't appreciate it? hope this helps.

roxygirlskier · Answer

Hm. I feel like that's rather odd personally. BUT maybe she really values little gifts? You could try leaving a chocolate on her pillow every day for a week... idk, she can't expect you to do something every day. I think you should talk to her about what she expects on the gift spectrum and how often... then let things settle over for a bit. Maybe a week? Surprise here with something showing that you understand and then go from there. The random gifts are the fun ones... birthday and vday stuff isn't "expected," but I think what she's trying to say is that she doesn't just want gifts because it's a holiday... she wants random little extra things... it is kind of wrong of her to ask that of you... but maybe that's how she feels she knows that you love her. Some people like more kisses than others, some prefer more talking than others and some could go w/o those things and more gifts... it's really probably something she values that you don't. You just have to find a way to bridge the gap.

deargodwhy · Answer

My guess is that this isn't about what you think it's about.

Lots of times relationships start out with a lot of expressions of affection, then one or both parties get lazy and stop trying. If this happens, it's easy to feel like your man just doesn't value you as much anymore. It really is the thought that counts. Instead of spending lots of cash at the florist and the chocolatier, try writing her a cute note. Draw pictures for her. Pick wildflowers for her. Tell her she's beautiful, unprovoked, or take the time to smell her hair and tell her how great it smells. Do the lovey-dovey sh*t you probably stopped doing.

If she just wants the expression of your affection for her, this will make her happy and won't cost you anything. I'd bet you a dollar that if you let her know in small ways that you think about her when she is not there, this becomes a non-issue. In the unlikely event that she still wants orchid arrangements instead of wild violets for her hair, the poster who called her high-maintenance is probably right.

RedSmartie · Answer

Have you heard of the five languages of love?  The theory is that different people read love in different ways.  They are physical affection, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, and time.  Most people have different degrees to which they read those actions as love.  Gift giving is probably just her love language and yours probably isn't.  It's especially true if she gives you gifts a lot.  For her that's the way to convey love.  It's not wrong, it's just the way she sees things.  Everyone views those things differently.

Stacyzee · Answer

Yes, you should.

You're already expressing your love for her, and took into consideration her thoughts (so you are doing these things for her).

She is being greedy, selfish and ungrateful and apparently you giving your everything into your relationship still isn't enough.

This says a lot about her character.

Express your feelings about this too.

It's one thing to get gifts for people, but saying she wants more and is still unhappy,

Is like her saying she wants you to buy her love.

Stop getting her gifts if she is taking you for granted,

Let her get a man that will spend all of his money on her.

It seems has if she cares more about how much cash that your willing to spend on her, than your actual relationship.

samhradh_leannan · Answer

Getting flowers and gifts is always nice, but it shouldn't be the most important thing. If you are giving gifts on special occasions, that should be enough, and she doesn't really have any right to ask you for more. Try making her feel special in other ways in between those occasions by treating her well and maybe making her a love note once in a while or something like that. If you are doing these things and she still demands more gifts, it could be that she is too focused on material goods and values those things more than she should. If this is the case, you will have to decide whether you want to put up with that or not. It could also help to talk to her and let her know that you feel she is being materialistic.

jam66 · Answer

Well I would have just been happy if my ex had bought me something on Valentine's day let alone any other day. Yeah I think she is being totally unreasonable and demanding. She has basically said she is with you just so you can pay for everything. Yes little romantic surprises are nice to show her you care and she should be greatful, but she is being ridiculous and selfish. You should cut and run my friend, this will only get worse.

When I read this I realize my ex was lucky he could have had someone like your girlfriend.

Good Luck :)

samhradh_leannan · Answer

Okay that's ridiculous. That is not acceptable. Especially after ONLY three months- yes ONLY three months. Paying for her car after three months? What on earth? This girl is WAY too focused on material goods. I would never expect something like that even from my boyfriend of three years.

I feel bad for your girlfriend if gifts are the only way she can feel loved. That's sad for her. But you shouldn't have to spend ridiculous amounts of money just because she is emotionally unhealthy. That's not a reasonable expectation for her to have. Her standards are very skewed.

tadpole25 · Answer

You should take offense. This is not acceptable. If you give her gifts on Valentine's day, and she says it's not enough, then she misses the point of Valentines Day.

This is the behavior of a very manipulative person. If you cave in and buy her more gifts because she demanded them, you are just going to give her validation that she can exploit and use you however she wants. Yes, it will make her happy for a minute, but it will lower her respect for you.

Now's a good time to be a bit of a man and stand your ground. If she wants to end a relationship over f***ing chocolate, let her because she wouldn't be worth your time anyway

confused_female · Answer

Depends on how she put it, the way you describe it she sounds like a royal pain in the ass who needs a good smack. However, what she is probably trying to get you to understand is that she needs you to make some kind of effort to let her know you care about her all year not just "special occasions". Lets face it we all get lazy in relationships, for many gifts are how we show those we care that we love them. I am sure if you made small gestures from time to time and on a regular basis she would feel satisfied. If that's not enough find a chick who isn't materialistically greedy.

udolipixie · Answer

Girlfriend demanding more gifts and flowers?... is this acceptable?

In my opinion it's as acceptable as a guy demanding more sex and being frustrated with his partner because she's not giving her enough sex or doing certain sexual acts. Meaning for me it's unacceptable.

Should I take offense?

If you however it seems more suited to reevaluate whether you want to remain in this relationship or communicate whether her frustration is solely the material things or the intention behind them (feeling wanted, etc).

LilRedHead · Answer

Nope and yes.  Ask her where your gifts come in and see what happens.  Remind her that you love her and you thought that gift was invaluable to her already.  Then repeat the question, "So you are telling me that you're upset because I don't buy you enough things.  Do you think the more gifts I buy you the more I love you?"  Then see what happens.  Relationships are not about gifts, it's about the time you spend together.  I rather see my boyfriend more often than him surprising me with flowers.  I see my boyfriend a few days every two months because we're so busy and live five hours away.  It's time to sit down and discuss how you feel when she asks more gifts from her and what you value and asks what she values.  It's amazing how appreciation is more valuable than dead plants.

tiffybaby · Answer

No, you should not take offense, and I say it is acceptable. She seems to accept your love through gifts. That is just what she needs to feel loved. Some people accept love through gifts, and some through physical contact, etc.  That is what she wants in a relationship.  If you don't want to buy her things, or can't afford it, tell her that, and see where it goes.  Or, she might be jealous of someone she knows who gets a lot of gifts from their S.O.

labbie87 · Answer

Your girlfriend sounds like a piece of work. Dump her sorry ass & find someone else bro! I'd rather have hugs, kisses, cuddles or to just spend TIME with you - chat, hang out, laugh ect, than flowers, chocolates or "special treats"

She's shallow. Ditch her!

cinderellagirl01 · Answer

Surprise gifts are always nice, but should never be demanded or expected. Niether should they be on birthdays or vday. If you show you love or appreciate her that should be enough, it will earn you brownie points if not more if you surprise her with flowers instead of doing it when she expects it.

rock17 · Answer

All women want is to feel needed by their partner. She wants to know that she is on your mind, which is what most women want. So giving her flowers or even just one perfect rose will show her that you were thinking about her because you love her and it wasn't a forced action like it would be on Valentine's day. If she demands outrageous gifts like always wanting to go to expensive places then it might become a concern. But flowers are a symbol of love and thought which show her that you think about her all the time because you love her. So buy her flowers or even just a rose when she works late, or when she's sick or any random time. You can do small things that have a big impact.

Fascalia · Answer

I hate to say it buddy, but I don't think this relationship is worth the strain on your wallet. When it is really love, the material things take a back seat to how you feel about one another. Sure, the material things are nice. It gives a sense of security and that you will always be taken care of. But if this is the only way that she can feel happy, you will spend the entirety of your relationship bankrupting yourself to please her. Move on, and find someone more deserving of your good heart and generosity.

lily9302 · Answer

She's telling you what she wants and your move is to either accept it or challenge her. If you don't want to give her any more gifts, draw the line and see how she reacts. If you don't mind indulging her, maybe do so. People express and receive love in different ways and she may be the type of person to feel love most strongly through gifts.

Anonymous · Answer

Dude, you're a man, not a money tree. To be honest, the only occasions I expect gifts from my boyfriend are on Christmas and my birthday. Valentine's Day I could honestly care less. I'm more about quality time than gifts anyway,

Tell her that she should just get over herself and if she wants stuff so much maybe she should buy it herself.

Anonymous · Answer

Anyone, whether you are a male or female that demands you to buy them things are nothing but greedy & selfish..Anyone who can't see through that is messed up in the head.

If you were smart you would get rid of her. Find a girl who appreciates the things you have done for her & not one who only thinks how much.

Girlfriend demanding more gifts and flowers?...Is this accepatable?

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