I can no longer sit back and look at the Reality Check section quietly.
This is absolutely mind boggling to me. There was a time when I came on this site, and for the most part, girls age 18-25 got the idea of how the first set of dates with their chosen partner should flow so that rapport can be built.
There are many activities a couple can do in life, but there are a few that they should avoid until their connection is formed and in place.
Let's discuss the places that you shouldn't go until you're past date number three (at least).
1) Movies
I cannot believe how many times girls on this site are suggesting this now. It's really out of control.
Before any girls (or guys) start tapping their keyboard, think about it for a second.
In a movie, what is the universal rule? Quiet. That means that you're both in a place for three hours where you can't communicate. That's a total waste of everyone's time on a first, second or even third date.
In any first encounter with another person, the two people have to be able to openly communicate to find common ground, establish trust (Albeit a small amount), learn how to communicate with one another, and to develop a pattern of interaction.
You can't do this at a movie theater, period.
2) Concerts
OK, I give you credit for suggesting something social. And bonding with someone over music is a pretty strong route to go. Music is great at breaking down stereotypes, assumptions, and other things that can get in the way of two people being about to speak with one another.
However, concerts are a horrible place for first dates. And really, this isn't something you should be doing until you've established a strong amount of trust with the person you're dating anyway.
Concerts are full of loud music, rude people, loose rules, and more outer stimuli than a Fourth of July extravaganza. While some communication can occur at concerts, for the most part, not enough to be meaningful. Again, in dating, your goal is to establish a connection with the person. You're wanting to reach a point where the two of you can read the other person and know what is going on. This is where trust is built.
More and more, concerts have staff that are not really following the facility policies very well, and as such many people around you are going to be taking drugs. Not to sound like an old man, but consider the situation. You're trying to learn about someone and all of a sudden a cloud of pot consumes the oxygen around you. Not to say you'll get high, but think how much of a distraction that is.
And that's just one distraction at a concert. Add in all the other things going on, and you'll never reach a good level with that person.
3) Anything that specific to one person, that the other person knows nothing about
Later in a relationship, this scenario is fantastic, because it builds off of the trust established in the first "round" of dating. After you've dated someone several times, you can start to branch out and show them more things that are of interest to one or the other.
But in those first few dates, it can be a real pitfall. For example, I'm a hockey player. I thoroughly enjoy ice skating. I would NEVER in my life take a girl to skate on our first several dates, and that is because I don't want to put her in the awkward position of me excelling at the chosen activity, and her struggling. For one, that will lead to frustration, and two, if I don't respond to her needs in the situation right away, I'll look like a jerk.
Now in the example I gave, you might say "Well what if you're helping her down the ice, isn't that responsive?" It is, but it may not be ALL the response she requires, and she may not be willing to tell me ALL her needs, because we don't have an adequate base of trust developed. Further, if I am completely unresponsive, because I'm enjoying myself, I've now taken all attention away from the person I'm with, and I've alienated the person I'm on a date with.
Conclusion
In those first several dates, it is imperative that both people focus on the person in front of them, and not get carried away with other things, distractions, interests, etc. If you make those beginning date experiences enjoyable, while maintaining attention on the other person, you will find that you succeed far more with the person you want to be with than you will not.
Good luck!
This is absolutely mind boggling to me. There was a time when I came on this site, and for the most part, girls age 18-25 got the idea of how the first set of dates with their chosen partner should flow so that rapport can be built.
There are many activities a couple can do in life, but there are a few that they should avoid until their connection is formed and in place.
Let's discuss the places that you shouldn't go until you're past date number three (at least).
1) Movies
I cannot believe how many times girls on this site are suggesting this now. It's really out of control.
Before any girls (or guys) start tapping their keyboard, think about it for a second.
In a movie, what is the universal rule? Quiet. That means that you're both in a place for three hours where you can't communicate. That's a total waste of everyone's time on a first, second or even third date.
In any first encounter with another person, the two people have to be able to openly communicate to find common ground, establish trust (Albeit a small amount), learn how to communicate with one another, and to develop a pattern of interaction.
You can't do this at a movie theater, period.
2) Concerts
OK, I give you credit for suggesting something social. And bonding with someone over music is a pretty strong route to go. Music is great at breaking down stereotypes, assumptions, and other things that can get in the way of two people being about to speak with one another.
However, concerts are a horrible place for first dates. And really, this isn't something you should be doing until you've established a strong amount of trust with the person you're dating anyway.
Concerts are full of loud music, rude people, loose rules, and more outer stimuli than a Fourth of July extravaganza. While some communication can occur at concerts, for the most part, not enough to be meaningful. Again, in dating, your goal is to establish a connection with the person. You're wanting to reach a point where the two of you can read the other person and know what is going on. This is where trust is built.
"When dating, your goal is to establish a connection with the person."
More and more, concerts have staff that are not really following the facility policies very well, and as such many people around you are going to be taking drugs. Not to sound like an old man, but consider the situation. You're trying to learn about someone and all of a sudden a cloud of pot consumes the oxygen around you. Not to say you'll get high, but think how much of a distraction that is.
And that's just one distraction at a concert. Add in all the other things going on, and you'll never reach a good level with that person.
3) Anything that specific to one person, that the other person knows nothing about
Later in a relationship, this scenario is fantastic, because it builds off of the trust established in the first "round" of dating. After you've dated someone several times, you can start to branch out and show them more things that are of interest to one or the other.
But in those first few dates, it can be a real pitfall. For example, I'm a hockey player. I thoroughly enjoy ice skating. I would NEVER in my life take a girl to skate on our first several dates, and that is because I don't want to put her in the awkward position of me excelling at the chosen activity, and her struggling. For one, that will lead to frustration, and two, if I don't respond to her needs in the situation right away, I'll look like a jerk.
Now in the example I gave, you might say "Well what if you're helping her down the ice, isn't that responsive?" It is, but it may not be ALL the response she requires, and she may not be willing to tell me ALL her needs, because we don't have an adequate base of trust developed. Further, if I am completely unresponsive, because I'm enjoying myself, I've now taken all attention away from the person I'm with, and I've alienated the person I'm on a date with.
Conclusion
In those first several dates, it is imperative that both people focus on the person in front of them, and not get carried away with other things, distractions, interests, etc. If you make those beginning date experiences enjoyable, while maintaining attention on the other person, you will find that you succeed far more with the person you want to be with than you will not.
Good luck!
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