If you enjoy this parody be sure to check out some of my other parodies: 5 ways to tell if your Dog is cheating on you, Where to Pee in a crowed Shower and the ever popular Get your Own Damn Fries!
Let's say you're on your way to pick me up (Yes in your car) for on our first date and you come dressed like this:
It's very cute Ladies, I'll give you that. It shows us you're a powerful and independent woman. Yet at the same time, unless it's a formal date, it's overkill. We are Men and chances are we're not taking you to a dinner that could bankrupt us, at least not on the first date. It's not to say that you don't look stunning in it, but it's not really suited for Fish and Chips. You don't have to dress to the nines to impress us. If we said yes to the date, your company is all we really require.
When she comes dressed like this:
I mean yeah you look low key and everything, but there's low key and then there's ROCK BOTTOM. I wouldn't be turned off per say but if you wanted McDonald's for dinner you could've just asked. I most likely wouldn't be too impressed or too keen on booking that second date. Maybe an actual pair of pants? Maybe comb your hair? It's a date, in public, she could at least make us think she's trying for a good first impression.
When she comes dressed like this:
Girls, please, DO NOT EVER come like this to a first date. In fact BURN that whole outfit! You would completely turn Guys off after we finished laughing. "No, really what are you wearing?" I would be completely uninterested and mortified to be any where in the same world as you! Seriously it's hideous.
When she comes dressed like this:
Talk about a Jackpot and being Scaroused! Not only is it Hot but I wouldn't be sure if I was still alive. I would've thought I died and gone to the Heavens! I'd do anything you want with a smile in my soul and a nervous grin on my face.
When she knows how important it is to mix her Fragrance:
I don't know about other Men, but for me it's super important that she smells great. Usually the scent that gets me very excited to meet a Female is something like 37% Feminine, 50% deodorant and 13% soap. No need to pour it on ladies, I could use a break from the migraine of most women's magazine-esk scent. (If ya know what I mean.) I like the feminine scent but I don't want to run for a gas mask in the middle of dinner either.
When she knows what jewelry to wear:
There might be guys out there who'd love if you couldn't keep your neck up from the weight of the crown jewels, for obvious reasons, but I hate it. It would turn me off if I had to duct tape your head to restaurant chair. It's not cool when your guy has to use his toolbox to fix the date. According to me jewelry should never make us a potential mugger's wet dream. It shouldn't have to be insured if you take it out of the vault.
Instead of that jewelry, I would prefer a nice necklace/clock. It looks playful and intense at the same time. It doesn't have to be gaudy or anything. Most Males won't even know it's value. Just something that compliments your outfit and doesn't weigh you down at the table.
When she knows the right shoes to wear:
These types of shoes can look classy in the right light. Some women wear these type of shoes correctly. Yet when it shows off too much skin and I can make out the veins in your legs it's a huge turn off. So these types of shoes should only be worn with stockings so I don't have to see the ice water in your feet. They can look really good if you know how to wear them though. Just keep an eye to the west for flying broomsticks.
Now these go with almost any outfit! It's such a unique and wonderful set of shoes. You can pair them with jeans and still look great. But if you pair them with a cape you're going too far and it would turn all Men off.
And finally, teeth and breath:
I've never heard of a guy saying he would love a woman if only her breath smelled lot rotting fish. I think we can all agree it can be a huge turn off no matter the gender. So you might want to try a Mentos, Tic Tac or even a Moth ball.
P.S. I wasn't going to write this originally but I was bored. Like this take or hate it I really do not care. It made me laugh writing it and that's all I care about.
Now go find your own fun!
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