Relationships

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?



The question comes up inevitably in nearly every relationship at some point; should I stay or should I go? From cheating to frequent fights, confusion over your relationship status can overwhelm you as you struggle to figure out...should I stay or should I go?


I think the decision can be made if you consider a few factors into your thoughts. Read on and see if you agree.


1. Did the incident cause me to lose respect for the other person, or them to lose it for me?
Respect is hard won, and nearly impossible to gain back. If someone has done something to cause you to lose respect for them or you sense s/he has lost respect for you, this could be a relatonship ender. True love is based on respect to a large degree, and once this is gone you may never get it back.


2. Did the incident cause me to feel badly about myself?
Seems like every time you fight, things turn hurtful and nasty. Damaging each other in the heat of the moment can have long lasting and irreversible consequences to your relationship. If the relationship has you feeling badly about yourself more often than not, it is toxic and perhaps time to move on.


3. Did the incident damage your trust for the other, or damage your partner's trust in you?
Trust is another huge milestone in a relationship. Once gone, trust is another very elusive quality to regain. You may feel that you have forgiven him or her for the incident, but truthfully it will be very hard to allow your mind to be fully confident in letting him or her have the freedom necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. This ends in resentment and anger, and things may never be the way they were before. As painful as it is, it may be healthier emotionally for you to leave the relationship rather than live with the constant nagging suspicion that the incident will be repeated. This isn't just about cheating, it could be anything that involves lying or sneaky behavior.


4. When the dust settles after the incident, do you still feel the same deep down inside as you did before it occured?
Sometimes we stay out of habit, length of time invested in someone, or fear of being alone. We try to ignore the nagging feeling that the damage done to the relationship is too deep to be fixed. You will never get your heart to lie no matter how much you try to believe you still love the person. If you really feel you no longer care for the person the way you once did, this is quite possibly irreversible damage and a sign to cut your losses and move on.


5. Did the incident cause resentment on any level, to either party?
This may not be a deal breaker, but it cannot be glossed over. Resentment hides in our minds and builds silently until it explodes in a volcano of negative emotion. At the point the resentment overflows, the relationship WILL be beyond repair. Don't suffer in silence; wait until the two of you are calm and voice your reasons for resentment. It could be the other person didn't see it and genuinely doesn't know. I had a marriage wrecked because I let the resentment build up silently for too long; the results were a combination of several of the things listed above. Voice it. It won't go away on its own.


6. Does the incident stand alone, or is it a repeated theme?
First time, ok, maybe we can deal. After that, words are nothing but broken promises and result in a lack of trust. People promise the world when they are put on the spot, but their actions indicate what they really are all about. Repeated occurences of the same incident after promises to stop should be a red flag and a deal breaker.


7. Did the incident cause a change in your thought processes? You would never have thought of cheating before, for instance, but after this incident you start having thoughts you never did before. Only you know if this is irreversible damage or just fleeting thoughts. One thing is for certain, changes in thought processes regarding your relationship should be dealt with head on.


8. How willing to discuss the incident is your partner?
If something has bothered you to the point of bringing it to his or her attention but s/he won't acknowledge it or discuss it, this is a hurtful way of saying your feelings aren't that important. You may need to reassess if this person has your best interests at heart. You need to figure out where you really stand with this person and potentially weigh his or her lack of regard for your feelings against the severity of the incident. This by itself may not be a deal breaker, but if combined with other points as listed above, it very well may be.


9. Is the incident another bad thing to add to your list of bad things?
If your bad times seem to outweigh your good times, it is a clear sign that something must change or it is time to move on. How often do we stay in a relationship because we remember the good times when the truth is, those good times are just that...a memory? If you find yourself more often than not feeling your relationship is unbalanced, if may be time to end it. This is why people run back to their exes after a certain point of time; your brain will always bury negativity and remember good things whenever it can. If you need to, write out a list of good and bad. Be honest with yourself and when you are done, look at the list to see where you stand. More bad points than good ones answers the question for you.


10. If you look six months into the future, will this incident be as heavily on your mind as it is right now?
The severity of the incident and your inability to move past it will be the ultimate deciding factor in staying or leaving. If you can't see yourself pushing the incident to the side in a few months, the damage done may be too deep to repair. If you don't see yourself with him or her in a near future relationship status after the incident, it may be better to admit the damage was irreversible and get out rather than drag it on.


I put these points into terms of "one" incident, but they also apply to any steady decline of a relationship. The hardest part of any relationship is deciding when it has run its course. We usually know when it is over, but try to justify staying out of any number of reasons such as fear of being alone, fear of the other person's reaction if you leave, fear of losing something you invested time in and fear of starting over. Notice the common theme here is "fear."


As always, communication is a key factor. Some of the points listed can be discussed and worked through; some, however, cause emotional wounds too deep to be fixed.


Ultimately your decision to stay or go is YOURS. Don't let your friends, family or even the good people at GaG sway your opinions. You have to make the decision, and you have to live with it whatever you decide. Chances are, if you are asking the right questions, you already know the answers.


And that, stayers or goers, is myTake.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?
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