Relationships and the lost art of communication

[V4lkyrie2]

Once upon a time, people had mutual interests they found each other not through online media, social networks or dating sites, but rather through doing things they enjoyed.

Recently, it’s become very apparent to me, not only are we not meeting people the same way, we are losing the ability to communicate. In our digital world, information comes fast maybe too fast, it sometimes causes a knee jerk reaction because the 93% of non-verbal communication the generations before utilized so much is disappearing. The same words said in person can mean something entirely different said in text because you can't see the posture, facial expression and eyes of the person you're speaking to.

This site alone is filled with posts of people asking 'should I tell him/her that I like them through Facebook - even though the opportunity exists to speak to them in person daily. Yet more posts along the lines of, 'Does he/she like me?'. Learning to read body language and the subtleties of non-verbal communication isn't going to happen through texting, email, twitter, Facebook etc., it can only be learned through in person face-to-face interaction.

Women used to send men who were deployed perfume scented letters; those men hung on to those letters, cherished them and used them as a source of strength and reminder they had someone back home who couldn't wait to see them again. Now there is email, texting, Skype and a myriad of other media to send the same message, but those men (and women) aren't left with anything tangible to hold on to; nothing to carry with them as a reminder and token of their partners’ affection. I know some of you are wondering what does a scented letter have to do with non-verbal communication? The answer is everything! Every posture we take, whether we face someone when we speak to them, if we make eye contact, how we smile or don't, our personal grooming habits, and yes that scented letter are all non-verbal communication.

Fast forward a few years... now we see people out together, the perfect opportunity to get to know each other, read the signs, tell someone you’re interested in them. Rather than seize that opportunity, we see people sitting across the table from each other, NOT speaking; their phones are out - they are texting each other and other people. Am I the only one that sees that as a fail? There is such a thing as 'being present in the moment', in my opinion if you're busy on your phone when you're out with someone, you're not present in the moment. Not only are you not present in the moment, you aren't listening. Reading, responding yes, but definitely not listening and the only thing you're really communicating is the person you're with isn't important enough to you to have your attention. For me personally, unless it was some kind of dire emergency in which case I would expect that to be communicated, I would get up and leave - and I have. Why? My time is worth more than to sit across a table from someone who can't be bothered to look at me. I am worth more than a status update or text message.

Carpe diem! It means "seize the day". When you have the opportunity to go out with someone in the flesh; have enough respect for yourself and for the other person, regardless of who they may be, to be present in the moment. Do unconventional things so you can't take your phone out if you need to. Turn around and talk to a stranger in a line up, just because you can; ask the people waiting in line behind you at a restaurant if they want to join you for no other reason then there is space available at the table you've been given. At the end of the day does it matter if you become lifelong friends, lovers, say no, or ignore you all together? No not really, but it will change you and help you grow as a person because you felt the fear and did it anyway! It will keep the art of communication from becoming extinct in your life, and you will become more confident and secure in who you are.

[Not_Helping]

In reality nothing actually changed. The evolution of these problems doesn't come from technological influences but from population based influences. Years ago everyone knew everyone because there were far, far fewer people; now there are so many people and systems where shyness etc. are extremely common tend to have one major thing in common: Huge populations and social overloads.

It is impossible to "learn" the cues of people beyond a generic front when you are working in the millions and just living in a major city makes it far harder. It's just a basic trend that comes with choice and overstimulation; it is why "small town" people find it so odd that "big city" people are so mean; in reality it's just the difference in social exposure whereas in a small town you really do know everyone or just about everyone and in a large city or metro that is quite literally impossible to the nth degree since people are coming and going constantly.

[V4lkyrie2]

I have to disagree with you. Technology has had a major impact on the way people communicate. The population globally has increased for sure, but not significantly enough to cause major social impairment. There are literally millions of people now who don't have the foggiest clue: how to walk up and introduce themselves to someone, be present in a conversation, ask open ended questions to continue a conversation etc... all of which are skills which have been common place for centuries and have only recently started to become extinguished. It isn't about knowing everyone, I've lived in large metro areas and very rural locations globally; it's about society as a whole becoming socially isolated and rather inept at recognizing social queues in person because as a general rule the population is becoming more and more dependent on their devices to the point where people would rather text someone sitting next to them rather then talk and face possible social awkwardness.

[Not_Helping]

blog.dssresearch.com/.../...ation_1050_to_2050.jpg

This is a graph of the world's population growth over one millennium. Though you may disagree the standard for "significant" has definitely been met. The exponential curve is not at all letting up and we are towards the end of that curve in this current year. If you're 43 you come from a time where it "just took off" if you will but the population in say 1970 was 3 billion, (https://www.geohive.com/earth/his_history3.aspx) and today that's over doubled. The whole planet a mere 40 years ago was the size of China and India today.

This gave rise to the problem of social cues. Smaller populations don't have these problems, but major ones do, and the increases in various conditions including shyness have been directly linked to the population growth (www.psychologytoday.com/.../the-cost-shyness) and social consequence. One can blame parenting but parenting has also evolved to cultivate fear of strangers and shyness due to population size and increased dangers to children (https://www.missingkids.com/KeyFacts) so honestly it's all population.

[Not_Helping]

Consider this: Technology allowed me to convey this information to you. Population problems would also have ensured I'd never have met you. Once upon a time meeting someone in a community was just a matter of time and now even GAG has quite a huge number of members and frankly that means that you can go for years and not ever talk to a person without even intending to in the same timezone. The reality of technology is that instead of humans becoming emptily dependent on them the convenience, which is the goal, simply becomes more appealing.

It's the difference between owning a TV and not honestly; it doesn't actually make you more intelligent unless you're a developing child.

[V4lkyrie2]

I'm not saying technology is a bad thing. I'm saying the over dependence on it has significantly impaired the ability of the younger generations (yours included) of being able to recognize and respond to social queues as well as initiate in person interactions with people.

Look at how many questions on this site alone are questions about how to talk to someone, how to meet someone, how to tell if someone likes them etc. Over 90% of communication is non-verbal, if you never practice learning to recognize and utilize those skills they will eventually become a foreign thing and non-existent in your life.

Please don't misunderstand I'm not saying you have this issue... there are a lot of younger people who do

[Not_Helping]

Well, two things first.

1. GaG is a terrible meter. Well over half of the question askers are in distress from many facets of life and prone to exaggerate their woes; the reader of a question, though he should not have to, needs to be aware of this and respond accordingly. "No one likes me!" for instance or "I am too shy for a partner!" are usually more accurately, "The people I want to like me, don't!" or "I am too shy to ask this very specific person whom there is a lot of implied things you would never know in the way, how do I handle those unknowns?"

2. The population of GaG is rather small in comparison to any given area so trying to gauge how widespread the issue is would be impossible, but that aside these questions are rarely snapshots into people's lives; they are conditional meaning that the question itself may be a form of venting and in many cases is a self-resolving issue. The staggering reality is that technology is helping people overcome, not succumb to, barriers.

[Not_Helping]

You have to wonder how many people here would have truly given up all hope if they didn't have the ability to reach sometimes across oceans to find people who were like-minded. One of the key things that technology does relative to communication is prevents something that is incredibly unhealthy for humans: Isolation.

Even if all you do is gripe on the internet it is healthier for you to stress on the internet than to keep it inside, feel alone or ostracized, and enter into a mental state of despair. The fact that people no longer talk like how you are used to should not be the grounds for the idea that people no longer know how to talk whether it be via the internet and electronic or digital communication or in person. After all remember that when they log off or leave their computer most of these people are not genuinely "alone".

[abundantlyrich]

Technology makes people lazy to communicate more and better. Nowdays, its all about nude pics and sexting. Then its bye bye and stupid girls think that's an actual relationship and confess how heart broken they are here.

[V4lkyrie2]

In truth that does happen. IF people were more inclined to go find a human being to talk to in person, instead of just texting or finding someone online, it wouldn't happen nearly as often. Social media does pretty much opposite of what it claims to. Sure it means you can talk to people all over the world anytime you want to with virtually no cost, but as a general rule it doesn't in person social interactions unless the only people on your "friends list" are people you would normally go out with anyway.

[genuinlysensitive]

Social skills are no longer learned on our own, and the schools refuse to teach it because the carriculum is based on a tine decades ago whenvit was just assumed everyone would pick up these skills in the course of living.

People could benefit greatly fromvsimple communication and scocial understanding courses.

[V4lkyrie2]

Very true and rather sad considering there are classes called 'social studies' and 'communications' neither of which have anything to do with talking to another human being in person

[genuinlysensitive]

Lol social stidies is more about history than anything else. Communication is more about marketing, at least at the colledge level.

[V4lkyrie2]

Exactly!

I haven't checked because I just randomly walk up to people and talk to them, local community colleges might have some 'self help' classes based on true interpersonal communication rather then sending an email

[Anonymous]

Interestingly, you and I wrote on the same subject. You put more thought into yours (I copy/pasted from a comment I made to someone), but I think they round each other out (I like your take, btw):
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a10374-why-people-don-t-talk-anymore

[V4lkyrie2]

It's true simple conversation is a skill people are losing. Since it's controlled by your brain it's no different then any other muscle you fail to exercise. It becomes soft and gooey. Just like any other muscle once you start to use it again, it's hard at first but then the muscle memory kicks in and it becomes a matter of finding ways to challenge yourself.

I believe your take gave me the idea for my next one... haha

[Opinion Owner]

It's a shame that conversational skill--and social skills in general--are not directly taught in school. I think that would be a far better use of most people's time. Being a good conversationalist really requires empathy and listening abilities (in turn requiring someone to withhold judgmental thinking) in order to be most effective in speaking.

I think direct instruction would do wonders for people's romantic and professional lives.

[V4lkyrie2]

I agree very much. Anyone can talk, not everyone knows how to listen, or more specifically to HEAR what's actually being said. If you go into a situation with a preconceived notion about how that situation is going to turn out, those are the points that resonate with you the most. Asking questions for clarity is a good thing, but asking open ended questions so the person you're talking to can fill in the blanks with the information they want to give you, instead of what you're expecting to hear is a better thing.