The Importance of Logic in Strong Emotional Situations

[Anonymous]

So I am going to share something that has been on my mind. It pertains specifically to sexual relationships and emotions, and I am writing this from a female angle. I am writing based on what I have experienced. I am the girl who always ends up playing the therapist for my friends.

Disclaimer-I only had sex when I was with my boyfriend. I never had casual sex because I view it as something for a relationship. However I have done foreplay, making out, and so forth with guys who were not my boyfriend, and though I am sure the effect of sex itself is stronger I have experienced these feelings too. So I am speaking from both my experience, and others.

A girl who lets her emotions run wild and doesn't use her head is probably screwing herself over when it comes to matters of the genitals. Yup, I said it.

Some girls can handle casual sex just fine. That is perfectly cool with me, I am all for it.

What I am talking about is the girls who meet a guy and like him, and then they get physical to some degree-whether it's just making out or sex, and they have feelings for him. He tells the girl he does not want a relationship but the girl keeps hooking up with him anyway. Then she cannot deal with all these feelings. She keeps going back for more because she does not have a healthy sense of self worth.

When a girl has strong feelings for a guy and wants to be more than friends with benefits but she keeps going and he said he does not want a relationship and he does not treat her like anything more than a F*CK buddy, she is essentially telling him and herself that his pleasure matters more than her emotional well-being and feelings.

Most girls in this situation are the ones who are sitting around, moping, whining about how men use them, how there are no good guys, how they are taken advantage of. Stop playing the victim and grow up because you cannot make other people responsible for your failure to take care of yourself.

If he said to you straight up that he :

- Doesn't know what he wants right now
- Doesn't see himself marrying you
- Wants to enjoy life
- Doesn't see a future between you
- Doesn't see a relationship between you

Or ANY of the above..HE MEANS IT. He won't change his mind; especially if you two are already doing it. Now he could be emotionally unavailable, messed up, etc etc...but that is irrelevant. What matters is that he doesn't want you. He doesn't want a special relationship with you, he doesn't want to share his life with you, he doesn't want to make you his wife. He doesn't want you as his girlfriend, he would not say that if he did. A GUY WILL NOT RISK MESSING UP WITH A GIRL HE REALLY WANTS TO BE SERIOUS WITH IF HE KNOWS SHE LIKES HIM. Obviously if she is already making out with him and showing she likes him, he won't tell her he doesn't want a relationship if he does. He isn't playing hard to get.

In these situations, you can also tell by his actions. I guarantee he is not contacting you nearly every day, or just trying to see how your day is, or trying to plan fun non-sexual things because he just enjoys your company. No, he just wants your body. If he already got your body and he isn't making an effort to really be close and a regular part of your life after that hot, passionate connection

Now, if you are fine with casual sex, or hooking up then great for you. Some girls really are. But for all the girls that are, many others, myself included, really are not. Girls have to stop fooling themselves, he won't change his mind.

When a girl has strong feelings for a guy and they are hooking up and he doesn't return them, she is really telling herself (and him) that she cares about him, despite the fact that he doesn't really care about her heart, MORE than she cares about herself. She would rather give him her body, when that is the ONLY thing he really likes about her, than take care of herself, her own heart, her emotional well-being. She is reducing herself to a body, telling herself that her body is the only thing that another person will want-because he doesn't return her strong feelings, they are sitting there to rot, eating her up inside.

And then comes to the drama.

Now, I used to be that girl, which is why this MyTake may come off harsh. While I saved sex for a relationship, I would still be in a similar situation, we were messing around-making out, maybe groping, etc, but that was all he wanted.

One time I got lucky-I met a guy and we made out a lot, spent hours together, and he ended up asking me out. But the entire time I was worried he would never talk to me again, and the relationship didn't work out, I suspect it was because the glue was our physical connection and not much else. Had we dated and really gotten to know each other first, without getting all warm and fuzzy, we probably would not have had lasted.

Ultimately I broke it off.

But I wasn't so lucky when the next guy just wanted to make out, thought I was hot but "friend zoned" me. I knew he was a tool going in, and I got over it. The emotional link wasn't really there.

But then I had my big blowup. There was another guy-we made out, and it was just SO passionate. I was melting. He wanted sex, but I didn't let. We would lie together and cuddle for hours. He did take me to the movies and make me dinner. He even called me a few times and was sweet-we could also talk for hours, and we definitely had an emotional bond too. But his actions were hot and cold, and though he never told me he didn't want a relationship, I sensed it through his actions and I removed him from my social media so I could forget about him-once again I was falling slave to my feelings, and couldn't handle it anymore. I saw that I cared for him more than he cared for me, and that he was not pursuing a relationship so I got smart and left. He was not happy that I removed him, sent me a message-but it's not like he tried to fight for me, so I let him go.

Then a few days later, this girl who I had seen on his Facebook friended me since she had seen me on his and seen us in a pic together and wondered who I was. Turns out they had been having sex for months, he told her he doesn't want a relationship but she stayed and was absolutely in love with him.

It made me sick to find out, I rather would not have known. But seeing and hearing her taught me a lot. Meeting her was an eye-opener, she is just what I do not want to be, and what I was in danger of becoming but did not allow myself to.

I learned to grow a thicker skin. I started realizing that I am valuable, lovable, that my feelings matter, that it doesn't matter so much about pleasing the world over myself. Giving a guy my body in hopes he will love me back is really just counterintuitive and counterproductive and quite frankly, foolish.

I got sick of the drama. Girls whine that they get mistreated and used. But they let it happen. You have to be smart and pick yourself up by your own feet. Be smart enough to hear and see what is going on around you and not just act on your own emotional whims with no regard for reality.

If you don't take care of yourself, including your own emotional health, only you will suffer. You can't expect a pity party from the world. If people see that you are willing to give them what they want, even at your own expense, why wouldn't they take it?

Take care of yourself. Don't put yourself in hurtful situations and then get mad that they have emotional consequenes. Don't have sex or give your body when you are hurting as a result, expecting that it will get you love or a relationship. The only one losing out in these cases is you. And then you even get mad when no one knows or cares that you are hurting.

Well, that's life. You have to live in the real world, not expect the world to play by the rules in your fantasy world. You have to be in tune with what is in front of you, not what you want it to be. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't expect other people to. This includes walking away when a situation is bringing you down because you respect yourself and your well-being more than to stay. Without boundaries, life will eat away at you more than you can believe.

[sephylove]

I really liked this take, and you seem to be a woman full of strength. I liked how you were able to put your short term feelings aside for a minute and really think for a minute. You thought about yourself and well being in the long run. You were kind to yourself, and you knew what you were worth. The part when you said, "[...]she is just what I do not want to be, and what I was in danger of becoming but did not allow myself to." I was like damn, this girl got a lot of emotional discipline to step away and realize that.

That is really powerful and inspiring. I wish I had the ability to do that, I learned the hard way. But I'm slowly learning and I can't stress how important this is! I think a lot of girls lack self worth and seek validation from relationships or guys to prove to them that they matter, but it just does the opposite. Thank for this refreshing post.

[sp33d]

Logic has to persist everywhere. If we act on emotion without regard for the consequences, things are bound to mess up. Sure, a little tact won't hurt, but there is no reason to lead someone on based on the "emotion of the moment". Generally, that's where men have the capability to think objectively, moreso than women, although, lately I feel it's like the new generation is a different breed... :/

[BelfastBoy]

I agree with your take on women taking responsibility for their own feelings, emotions and relationships though you make a few assumptions I think you should reassess. First off you assume that often quoted line "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free". This is problematic because what you are essentially saying is that you are trading sex for intimacy, or to put it bluntly that women are whores.

Sex isn't something you 'hold back' as a reward, unless you think of men as dogs - and most men don't break up with a girl because of too much sex. Secondly you assume that if a guy just wants to be 'fuck buddies'(which in my opinion is the most idiotic statement of our generation) that the only reason is he's not interested in anything else. This one is problematic too because us guys now have to think much more about things like pregnancy (50 years on we still have no male pill), false rape allegations (studies have shown they make up HALF of all accusations) and Marriage, which has become like a prison sentence for us. Not only that but Cohabitation rights are now the same as marriage. Think about it from OUR perspective for a minute - if you can - how would you feel if every guy you met could destroy your life on a whim, decide you were having children, make you pay child support, call you a rapist or basically do anything he liked and YOU had to live with it. I know that may sound off topic to you but when things get serious men think about that stuff so it makes it far safer to have short term relationships, which are unfortunately less intimate and deeply emotional.

I should also point out that male and female sexuality - thanks to modern feminism - now works in reverse. Women sow their wild oats in their youth and men sow them in their middle years when they are successful. This is anathema to a steady, loving relationship and thanks to the laws now it looks like that is not going to change any time soon.

I agree boundaries are important for both sexes, but without a much deeper understanding of why men are the way they are you'll likely be 'walking away' from something you never understood to begin with.

[hellionthesage]

I agree with the most of what your saying however I would like to clarify that its not a man using a woman or woman using a man so much as a diffrence in biology and thus a communication problem. For women emotion and sex are intimatley inter linked, its biological. A woman would have sex with a man who was a providor for her thus increasing her emotional connection to him. For a man sex is purely physical, not that it cannot and isnot emotional but rather emotion is not required for sex. This is because sex to a man is not particularly expensive, ie he is not going to carry a child for nine months and then spend years takeing care of the child (the reason women get more attached to a man who can help mitigate this cost) Yet he does dedicate his resources to a woman he is emotionally attached to because he is whether or not he realizes it is viewing her as a potential mother of his child and as such since he is wanting the survival of his offspring he is inturn devoted to the well being of the mother. So resource and now a days time alotment is a greater indicator of emotional connectivity ( not necessarily 100% due to enviromental and phscological factors but a fairly strong indicator). Men not knowing this are confused as to why a woman would have sex with them if they wanted more and they don't because to them there is a distinction, women think its them being used because for them there is no distinction. Self awareness is key regardless. I am glad that you are able to see this and grow from it. I personally never understood how any body can have sex with out the emotional connection but I am an aberration I suppose. Though I do caution against the notion that these guys are somehow using you. If they are upfront about what they want then they are honest, and if you (empirical you) continued along in the hopes of getting more out of them then in reality you where using them and where dishonest. Its not really there bad and you were used, it was they wanted something and you wanted something else, which is fine that isn't a problem. Some of the comments on here convinced me to add that.

[Ozanne]

What a great story and words of advice. I agree with you as I am really against friends with benefits only because it is more often than not, a nightmare for at least one of the two people involved. Also, I think people (more so women) are quick to call a friends with benefits a relationship against the will of the other partner. For example, a friend of mine had a friends with benefits scenario for a few weeks, but about a year later, she refers to him as an ex, and thinks of her friends with benefits as a full-on relationship. Whereas I sit there and think, "Uhh.. that's kinda not the way I remembered it." I think they do this as a way to not feel as though they wasted any part of their life, especially wasting any part of their sexual past on a guy who never cared.

But you're right, there is a lot to be said for knowing your self worth. And I love this line: ".. she is essentially telling him and herself that his pleasure matters more than her emotional well-being and feelings.."

This reminds me of a line I heard once from Dr. Phil (who I normally don't quote): "You tell people how you want to be treated." So if you settle for less and allow yourself to be walked on, you're ultimately training people to continue to do it.

I wonder though if the woman is just seeking what she can get for intimacy because sex can be good for both people. It doesn't always have to be about him. So for the moment, she's getting that moment of closeness that she normally wouldn't be having at that time. Either way, we can all find someone who values us and wants to give us love and sex to make it even better. (What a concept!)

:) Well written, thanks for sharing.

[Deezyy]

This is a great take. I agree with this because I've been in that situation once before, or something close to it. And like you I cared about my friend but as soon as I found out there were others I just removed myself. I kind of stopped being this nice girl he was used to and gave him a piece of my mind. I think he saw me differently after that and he started blowing up my phone sending dozens of texts for like two weeks but I never once responded. The last text he sent said that he wanted me to marry him and he wanted kids with me, he knew he loved me and that he made a mistake. It sucked but I let him go. He eventually settled down with the next girl. I will NEVER put myself in a non-official situation again. If a person is not willing to be in it 100% you're absolutely wasting your time. It helps you see yourself for what you're worth though, so it's a learning experience.

[Anonymous]

This is a great take. I think women need to start seeing purely sexual interest from men who we like, as offensive rather than flattering, and we'll avoid getting burned in the ways that you describe in your take.

It's taken me an awful long time (and plenty of my own mistakes) to realise that a guy asking for purely friends with benefits situation is basically saying "I'd like you to be my free prostitue for a while, are you cool with that?"
Every woman with an ounce self respect should be deeply offended by a friends with benefits suggestion, even if she really likes the guy in question.

[dartmaul15]

no, you need to se it as what it is; sex.
there's nothing offensive about it, it's just plain fucking. You find eachother phsycially attractive, and as grown ups you have decided there's nothing stopping you from just doing it.
Sure, if you don't want to hook up, then don't fucking hook up with him! A fuckbuddy relationship is both ways; a free fuck for both of you. You are his go-to girl for casual sex, and he is your go-to guy for casual sex. That's it, nothing more.
Every woman with an ounce of self-respect should follow her own mind and logic, and not what some anon on gag says. You don't like it, fine. Then don't do it. Some girls might be able to handle it and consider it ok. Let them have their fuckbuddies!

But you do have a point that you should grow a pair and realize that it's just sex.

[hellionthesage]

Its not offensive, its miscomunication. For men sex and emotions are separate, so for them when they say they don't want a relationship and you agree, to them that is your acknowledgement that you also just want something physical. Don't you think its a little bit offensive that I guy can be completely upfront about what he wants, and then you agree only in the hope of some how manipulating him into wanting to be with you? If he is upfront, then you should be as well. Know yourself and if they don't want a relationship and you do move on, no hard feelings no one is the badguy, it just didn't work out.

[Scrambled]

Just jumping in here, its an interesting irony with me and many of my guy friends. I never thought of casual relationships. I always thought "one girl", or "she is mine, and mine only". Lol... Disney shit. I always thought I would be that guy to treat her like a special star on earth. But girls don't go for that. hardly any girl came for me (or my friends). So I had to change, and its interesting now that at my older age, I only want casual. I do however treat my friends with benefits as friends. Meet them for coffee, go out etc but they all know one thing, not one of them, or any girl owns me. That's the difference. That irony being, being a person who would actually love and support and do anything for a girl (which in hindsight is nice guy syndrome) got nothing, and a guy who couldn't give a shit now as friends with benefits (notice plural) and in an open relationship. Don't hate the player, hate the game. And women write the game rules.

[Opinion Owner]

@hellionthestage, I am not disagreeing with you. My comment was saying that if you're a woman who is interested in a relationship with a particular guy, then you should consider that guy saying that he wants friends with benefits as a flat out rejection of you, rather than an opportunity to change his mind.

Because women tend to need some level of emotional attachment to sleep with a guy, they'll misinterpret a guy being really interested in having sex with them as a sign that he also has some sort of emotional attachment or the potential to form one. (I have made this mistake, myself, in the past)

[Kalinda]

yeah obviously only have sex if you WANT tol. if you do it to get a guy or relationship or anything you'll feel shitty about it and regret it and if you get what you want ill resent it bc its tainted with the fact you exploited yourself.

but very many people do like sex and just bc they are having sex with someone they like doesn't mean they want more. im getting tired of posts condescending to women telling them to 'think'. they will sod what suits them either bc they start off only doing things that feel right or they'll make a mistake and learn from it. but treating women as if they need to be told to be logical is just unnecessary.

anyhow it isn't logic that males decisions its emotion. logic is a tool emotion caries the tool.

[Nuqood]

I'm going to take what you said completely out of context because your point is proper over-done and frivolous and mine is 100 times more thought provoking and useful.

I lost my cool awhile ago, went into a near blind rage, and punched someone in the face for mouthing me off. I beat the shit out of them, and I was lucky that they didn't press charges, otherwise my stupid ass would have been sitting in court right now and eventually in a jail cell. Had I been calm enough to think about "Is what he's saying actually worth it?" I could have answered no, and I wouldn't have a broken knuckle, fucked up wrist, or the image of me beating on this guy in my head right now.

[vishna]

This isn't relevant to your MyTake, but the woman's hair is gorgeous in the picture.

Pertaining to your MyTake... FLAWLESS.

Some would call this tough love, I call it common sense, and those 'used' women should too.

Thank you for making this.

[ManaX]

A well written Take that speaks nothing but the truth. I'm very good at not becoming attached to/involved with men who aren't worth my time, but a lot of women need to see this.

[Anonymous]

You honestly don't know how much this helped me. I was reading with tears in my eyes because this is exactly what I'm going through.

Just recently I walked away from my "f*ck buddy". We were having sex and I stopped it and started to cry. Told him I wanted to stop doing this. He was confused and asked why. I gave him no explanation and left him.

I just couldn't take it anymore. It was torture. It wasn't real. And I felt like a joke

[Anonymous]

I think I understand your POV but from a guy's perspective I would avoid you. Not because I wasn't interested in a committed relationship/marriage but because sexual intimacy doesn't trigger that kind of intense emotional attachment in me and I think it's best for people to be on the same page about things like that. One of the first things I try to find out about a potential girlfriend is how she views sex. If it's something which only works as part of a deep emotional bond I look elsewhere.

[myTake Owner]

So you want a girl who has slept around a lot yet you want a relationship why then? If you are in a relationship anyway why does it matter if she views sex as something for a boyfriend only?

[Opinion Owner]

I don't care if she's slept around or not. I don't want sex meaning something to her it doesn't mean to me. It would be like being with a religious fanatic when you are an atheist except worse, because religion needn't come up as often in a relationship.

[boringmurderer]

well-written though the title is slightly misleading and you're gonna miss out on a bit of your target audience who don't know automatically what this is about. it doesn't say relationships or sex or sexual relationships, just emotional situations, which covers everything from trouble in a marriage to your mom dying.

[Anonymous]

I liked your take a lot, but still don't understand why girls give their body to make someone love them, instead of giving them thier body because they want to. You are right that a girl giving her body will not make someone love you, but why use it as a tool. I think that women would be more succesful if they became intimate because they wished to instead of using thier intimacy to warrant love from another. Withholding sex follows the same guideline as using sex as a tool. Desire, need, they should be the catalysts to intimacy, not obligation.

[abacaxi84]

Women don't use sex in order to get intimacy. They have sex because they really like the guy, but usually if a woman likes a guy enough to have sex, then that means she's emotionally attached too -- so following your sexual urges as a woman, if the guy has straight up said that he doesn't want a relationship, is a terrible idea.

You kid yourself that you can handle causal and you may as well follow through for the sex (especially if it has been a while) but it comes back to screw you over, because you get even more attached to the guy afterwards. These days, if a guy says he only wants casual sex I take that in exactly the same way, as if he said he wasn't interested at all. Which is, in fact, the case, as being interested in just my body isn't being interested in me.

Even if I hadn't had sex for a year, it wouldn't be worth sleeping with a guy I was attracted to who only wanted casual, in terms of how shit it would make me feel afterwards.

[Opinion Owner]

I use intimacy as a term referring to a sexual relationship, or a relationship with sex. Simply because the woman is not getting a relationship out of the encounter doesn't mean she is being used. You make it sounds as if a mutual sexual release by both parties will always be onesided favoring the male. I firmly believe there is no shame in obtaining mutual pleasure from another's body

[BelfastBoy]

"Women don't use sex in order to get intimacy. They have sex because they really like the guy" - please wise up. Women use sex to get money, drugs, revenge or even a divorce settlement. In fact I read a recent story where a woman used sex to get her boyfriend to believe her story that she was raped when she wasn't - All to get him to stay with her. She ended up destroying not only her own relationship but the family of the guy she accused.

[NatashaJ]

Amazing article this is so true I just got out of a situation like this. I feel like he was using me for sex (he was trying to fuck me) but it ended where he block me. To this day I'm not sure if he was using me or he really did want a relationship.

[Zamac]

In a word: awesome! Girl, this take was really good to read and has a lot of valuable info for both girls and decent guys who care. Kudos for you! :)

[lillyanne96]

I am definitely the same way as you. In my situation, I made out with this guy and really enjoyed it. Afterwards, I texted him asking where he wanted us to go. He never texted me back. Now, two weeks later he texted me again. Should I ask him again? I understand he is being pretty hot and cold, but just want to confirm his feelings. I don't want to regret anything. So what should I do?

[myTake Owner]

Ignore him. His intentions aren't serious.

[Anonymous]

People who rely on logic in conflicts where emotions typically rule now run the real risk of loss of jobs, job advancement, governmentally enforced civil (monetary) penalties, and social ostracism. While I agree with much of what you say, it is much better to stay isolated than to engage in any personal interaction, ESPECIALLY AT WORK, because in an emotionally inspired conflict, emotions trump everything else.

[pavlove]

I'm for free love. I wish people could just have sex with each other without it meaning all this. So, if I think a girl is really hot, I won't have sex with her, but if I think she's alright I will? Damn you youth culture...

[Anonymous]

... You. You need to be paid for this. Go to every middle and high school you can and make this a job. Even if you don't make money I'm sure you'll save millions of girls from pain.

[Scrambled]

"My heart belongs to you, but my dong is community property" Lol