So I am going to share something that has been on my mind. It pertains specifically to sexual relationships and emotions, and I am writing this from a female angle. I am writing based on what I have experienced. I am the girl who always ends up playing the therapist for my friends.
Disclaimer-I only had sex when I was with my boyfriend. I never had casual sex because I view it as something for a relationship. However I have done foreplay, making out, and so forth with guys who were not my boyfriend, and though I am sure the effect of sex itself is stronger I have experienced these feelings too. So I am speaking from both my experience, and others.
A girl who lets her emotions run wild and doesn't use her head is probably screwing herself over when it comes to matters of the genitals. Yup, I said it.
Some girls can handle casual sex just fine. That is perfectly cool with me, I am all for it.
What I am talking about is the girls who meet a guy and like him, and then they get physical to some degree-whether it's just making out or sex, and they have feelings for him. He tells the girl he does not want a relationship but the girl keeps hooking up with him anyway. Then she cannot deal with all these feelings. She keeps going back for more because she does not have a healthy sense of self worth.
When a girl has strong feelings for a guy and wants to be more than friends with benefits but she keeps going and he said he does not want a relationship and he does not treat her like anything more than a F*CK buddy, she is essentially telling him and herself that his pleasure matters more than her emotional well-being and feelings.
Most girls in this situation are the ones who are sitting around, moping, whining about how men use them, how there are no good guys, how they are taken advantage of. Stop playing the victim and grow up because you cannot make other people responsible for your failure to take care of yourself.
If he said to you straight up that he :
- Doesn't know what he wants right now
- Doesn't see himself marrying you
- Wants to enjoy life
- Doesn't see a future between you
- Doesn't see a relationship between you
Or ANY of the above..HE MEANS IT. He won't change his mind; especially if you two are already doing it. Now he could be emotionally unavailable, messed up, etc etc...but that is irrelevant. What matters is that he doesn't want you. He doesn't want a special relationship with you, he doesn't want to share his life with you, he doesn't want to make you his wife. He doesn't want you as his girlfriend, he would not say that if he did. A GUY WILL NOT RISK MESSING UP WITH A GIRL HE REALLY WANTS TO BE SERIOUS WITH IF HE KNOWS SHE LIKES HIM. Obviously if she is already making out with him and showing she likes him, he won't tell her he doesn't want a relationship if he does. He isn't playing hard to get.
In these situations, you can also tell by his actions. I guarantee he is not contacting you nearly every day, or just trying to see how your day is, or trying to plan fun non-sexual things because he just enjoys your company. No, he just wants your body. If he already got your body and he isn't making an effort to really be close and a regular part of your life after that hot, passionate connection
Now, if you are fine with casual sex, or hooking up then great for you. Some girls really are. But for all the girls that are, many others, myself included, really are not. Girls have to stop fooling themselves, he won't change his mind.
When a girl has strong feelings for a guy and they are hooking up and he doesn't return them, she is really telling herself (and him) that she cares about him, despite the fact that he doesn't really care about her heart, MORE than she cares about herself. She would rather give him her body, when that is the ONLY thing he really likes about her, than take care of herself, her own heart, her emotional well-being. She is reducing herself to a body, telling herself that her body is the only thing that another person will want-because he doesn't return her strong feelings, they are sitting there to rot, eating her up inside.
And then comes to the drama.
Now, I used to be that girl, which is why this MyTake may come off harsh. While I saved sex for a relationship, I would still be in a similar situation, we were messing around-making out, maybe groping, etc, but that was all he wanted.
One time I got lucky-I met a guy and we made out a lot, spent hours together, and he ended up asking me out. But the entire time I was worried he would never talk to me again, and the relationship didn't work out, I suspect it was because the glue was our physical connection and not much else. Had we dated and really gotten to know each other first, without getting all warm and fuzzy, we probably would not have had lasted.
Ultimately I broke it off.
But I wasn't so lucky when the next guy just wanted to make out, thought I was hot but "friend zoned" me. I knew he was a tool going in, and I got over it. The emotional link wasn't really there.
But then I had my big blowup. There was another guy-we made out, and it was just SO passionate. I was melting. He wanted sex, but I didn't let. We would lie together and cuddle for hours. He did take me to the movies and make me dinner. He even called me a few times and was sweet-we could also talk for hours, and we definitely had an emotional bond too. But his actions were hot and cold, and though he never told me he didn't want a relationship, I sensed it through his actions and I removed him from my social media so I could forget about him-once again I was falling slave to my feelings, and couldn't handle it anymore. I saw that I cared for him more than he cared for me, and that he was not pursuing a relationship so I got smart and left. He was not happy that I removed him, sent me a message-but it's not like he tried to fight for me, so I let him go.
Then a few days later, this girl who I had seen on his Facebook friended me since she had seen me on his and seen us in a pic together and wondered who I was. Turns out they had been having sex for months, he told her he doesn't want a relationship but she stayed and was absolutely in love with him.
It made me sick to find out, I rather would not have known. But seeing and hearing her taught me a lot. Meeting her was an eye-opener, she is just what I do not want to be, and what I was in danger of becoming but did not allow myself to.
I learned to grow a thicker skin. I started realizing that I am valuable, lovable, that my feelings matter, that it doesn't matter so much about pleasing the world over myself. Giving a guy my body in hopes he will love me back is really just counterintuitive and counterproductive and quite frankly, foolish.
I got sick of the drama. Girls whine that they get mistreated and used. But they let it happen. You have to be smart and pick yourself up by your own feet. Be smart enough to hear and see what is going on around you and not just act on your own emotional whims with no regard for reality.
If you don't take care of yourself, including your own emotional health, only you will suffer. You can't expect a pity party from the world. If people see that you are willing to give them what they want, even at your own expense, why wouldn't they take it?
Take care of yourself. Don't put yourself in hurtful situations and then get mad that they have emotional consequenes. Don't have sex or give your body when you are hurting as a result, expecting that it will get you love or a relationship. The only one losing out in these cases is you. And then you even get mad when no one knows or cares that you are hurting.
Well, that's life. You have to live in the real world, not expect the world to play by the rules in your fantasy world. You have to be in tune with what is in front of you, not what you want it to be. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't expect other people to. This includes walking away when a situation is bringing you down because you respect yourself and your well-being more than to stay. Without boundaries, life will eat away at you more than you can believe.