So. I am here to write about troublesome relationships based on my own relationships. I am obviously writing from a female perspective as a female in a heterosexual relationship. A year ago I had a very scary, tumultuous relationship. I saw some red flags and learned a lot. I wanted to share my wisdom.
I have become a lot tougher and smarter, maybe a little jaded, but nonetheless much wiser. I am a bit of a softie-heart here and I am very sympathetic. I am the type with a bit of a bleeding heart. If my partner has difficulties or problems I tend to feel bad and want to show how much I care. This can be beautiful, but also self-destrutive. With the right person you will be an amazing, loving partner. But with this type of personality you have to learn to be tough, often through bad experience unfortuantely, because the predators will pick up on your kindness, sweet heart, and sensitivity. That's what happened to me. I am not so timid anymore, my heart is still kind and loving but there are big walls around it. I am probably better this way.
Anyhow here is the story, broken down into points and red flags. I hope someone can learn from my wisdom, and writing it out is quite therapeutic!
We met on Tinder.
Red Flag 1. While some people on there are genuine, many just want to hook up. But the biggest problem is that there are no background checks, the person can lie and be anything underneath, while projecting a different image to the world.
He was one of the few who really seemed to want a relationship. He had genuine conversations, a good career, was a bit older which I liked, and he actually wanted to talk on the phone.
Red Flag 2. On our first phone call he seemed a bit too eager to have a relationship and clingy. This is a very fine line between genuinely interested in a relationship and clingy. And the way he was talking, he sounded like he had already decided we were going to be in a relationship without even meeting me. Yeah my pictures were nice but really, that was excessive. Like he would say "Oh you sound like what I am looking for" or "we can go to X place or Y place" and I felt a little weird about it but ignored my gut.
Red Flag 3. He was too eager before the date with his texts and calls. We set up a date for 4 days from our first conversation. He texted me every day in between. Also before the date he sent me a kissy face icon which I thought was odd. But I thought maybe he is just trying to flirt. And he wanted to talk on the phone before the date and I said no, it's too much since we are meeting later.
Red Flag 4. He was too pushy about giving me a ride back home. I took the local train to our date, and he was very pushy about me not going back on the train, when it wasn't even dangerous. I kept saying it is fine and he kept saying no it is late, he kept insisting and finally I said ok you can drive me back just to shut him up. But I was uncomfortable with the fact that he seemed so insisting and didn't want to accept my no, unfortuntaely I rationalized it as he is just being polite.
However, I must say the date itself was fun, he really just seemed cool, fun, easy to talk to, laid back. I couldn't think of a reason to say no to another date.
Red Flag 5. He kept trying to persuade me to see him again before I was ready. He was in daily contact which was nice. But our date was a Tuesday and he asked when he can see me again so I said Sunday. On Thursday he kept trying to get me to come out. I told him I was busy, he said but Sunday is so far off, and he kept saying are you sure, well I am going to town if you change your mind. I thought why does he want to see me so badly we are practically strangers, but it felt nice to feel wanted.
Red Flag 6. On our second date we went out with all his friends and he made jokes about if we have kids. Our second date we went out with his friends which in a way was nice but felt too serious too fast. He made a joke about what our kids would look like. We were tipsy so I let it go but wow creepy much! He also admitted that he is very "protective" which really later on meant controlling.
He was too much too soon. Within two weeks of dating we were seeing each other almost every day and he asked me to be exclusive yet we were strangers and I barely knew a thing abut him. I didn't know if I was ready but I wanted a boyfriend so I agreed. Big mistake.
Red Flag 7. He was late to our third date and did not seem to care that he was not being considerate of my time. He wanted to go out on the town after work but first he had to go to the gym. He left me hanging with the time so I was waiting around my house. I should have been tougher and I was going to go out but I listened to one of my friends who told me not to be too demanding early on. Maybe had I left then I would have saved myself a lot of sorrow. He didn't seem to care that he kept me waiting and later he did this many times, which showed me he didn't care about my time, he WANTED to leave me hanging it seemed.
Red Flag 8. He did not tell me about his relationshp history-turns out he was very newly divorced which I did not know until we had dated a month. And he blamed me saying I did not ask about his past relationships so that's why he didn't mention it. Way to play that one, how am I supposed to know? He said usually a girl would ask why he is in his 30s and single. I was in my early 20s and I really thought it is something that a normal person would say on their own. But I let it go since he had asked me to be exclusive and we were seeing each other all the time and I didn't want to go back to being alone.
Red Flag 9. Once I knew about his ex, out came the trash-talking. Now that his divorce was out of the bag, the bitter, angry talking about her started and would just get worse and worse. What I also didn't know is how recent his divorce was because he told me his separation date, not divorce date. What a liar. He would talk about what an evil bitch she was, anything else bad under the sun, and tell me I am different but it really freaked me out.
Red Flag 10. He was a sweet talker and fake. He put on a fake sweet act in front of others, had to be friendly with the world. But once he had me hooked in, he started showing his true colors yet was still all fake friendly to the outside world but nasty to me behind closed doors.
Once we started having sex I noticed his behavior changed, the beginning of a downward spiral. I waited until we had been exclusive for over a month before we had sex but seems it wasn't enough time.
Red Flag 11. He was pushy and not considerate of my feelings, physically and mentally. We saw the beginnings of that above, but even with sex, he made me feel pressured before I was ready, told me what I wanted to hear, would always beg and whine when I said no about things. Even things like using condoms, he would whine about it and try to stick it in without one. At the end this got really bad, he kept trying to force me to eat when I wasn't hungry and he literally was trying to push candy in my mouth because I told him several times I don't want any and he couldn't handle me saying no.
Red Flag 12. He had dating emails and apps from dating apps. I never saw him use them but the fact that he hadn't deleted all his old dating apps was fishy, and when I asked he actually blamed me saying I am trying to control him and that he bets he wll find bad evidence on my phone. Basically he implied I was cheating. I never even looked at another man while with him and I was disgusted by his behavior.
Red Flag 13. He turned the blame around on me. See Red Flag 12-the fact that he blamed me for getting upset that he had dating apps on his phone. He did this with other things too, like when he told me about his divorce, blamed me for not asking about it. If someone blames you instead of apologizing that is very ugly and toxic.
Red Flag 14. He didn't care about my pleasure in bed. Even when I asked him to do more foreplay he didn't want to, he always refused because it's "too much effort." I know I don't smell, I shave, and I am clean, and I shower daily, and no other guy ever had a problem. In fact, the guy I dated after told me I have a nice, clean "v" and that unlike many other girls I don't have a bad or strong odor. Bless his soul, he would eat me out all the time. Such a contrast from this loser, who actually said the fact that he takes me out on dates is enough why does he have to go down on me too.
Red Flag 15. He was mocking and disrespectful. He would say in a mocking voice "oh you are standing up to me" when I told him I was upset with his behavior. He made mocking jokes about me in front of his friends too, I felt very embarassed and disrespected.
Red Flag 16. He had sketchy phone behaviors. He suddenly put a lock on his phone and he would have calls from unlisted numbers or text them. I suspected that he was cheating.
Red Flag 17. He punished me with guilt. When I confronted him about something very upsetting he withdrew all day until the evening, no texts or calls until I texted him that evening, because I "acted badly" by questioning his behavior.
Red Flag 18. He tried to control me and demanded to know why my phone was ringing. He accused me of texting guys because my phone vibrated in front of him and I said I will get that later. It was my female best friend. Even when I dumped him the next day he said that he bets this is because of the mysterious person texting me the night before.
Red Flag 19. He ignored my wishes. I told him numerous times I did not want to move in together yet he kept talking about it as if I had told him I was not comfortable with it, and when I reminded him he rolled his eyes at me.
Red Flag 20. He angered and I felt scared for my life. Towards the end he got angry when he got a collection call in front of me. The way he screamed on the phone and angered so quickly scared me. I realized that I was with a mad man, the look in his eyes and tone in his voice made the hairs in my arms stand up and I knew I had to be out fast. So I was.
Red Flag 21. It was all about him, I was a stranger really. He didn't even acknowledge important things in my life like job interviews I had. He always just wanted to talk about himself and I felt he never tried to really know me or understand me.
Red Flag 22. His behavior got increasingly controlling. First it started small as I mentioned above. Then he let the condom slip off when he pulled out a few times, I felt it was intentional. He told me not to go on pills for him. He impied I was cheating as I said above. He punished me. If I didn't answer my phone he would call and text many times in a row at the end, and it freaked me out and drove me crazy. I one time got a call and four texts in an hour, because it was not even 9 am yet and I was still sleeping. I felt like he wanted to lock me in a cage and beat me, and I ran the hell away. I literally felt scared for my safety. A few days before we broke up I saw this look in his eyes, the way he stared at me, it was predatory and freaked me out. I wanted to be sick to my stomach. I am SO HAPPY I am no longer with him.
BOTTOM LINE: Do not ignore your gut. If something just feels wrong it probably is, even if you can't put it into concrete words.
In sum, be very wary of the guys who come on too fast, too strong, too soon if you don't have any mutual friends or connections who can vouch for him and his sanity. Because usually, while guys who move too slow-waiting a week to text, not planning dates-are probably only interested in something casual, a guy who you never met or had mutual friends with who immediately wants to see and talk to you every second and moves too fast is probably looking for someone to control and abuse, or best case scenario he is desperate and lonely and trying to fill a void.
Take my guy. He was freshly out of a bitter divorce (which he lied about), desperate to have someone to keep him company, someone he could control and manipulate because he is a psychopathic, screwed up S-O-B who probably wanted to beat me just like he probably beat his ex. Also, find someone's criminal history. Do a background check if there is anything suspicious. Try to ask in a subtle way if there are any of these sorts of problems. If there is nothing to hide I doubt a guy would get too defensive. Sadly, you never know that you may be dating a violent or abusive criminal with no morals and extreme selfishness like I was. I had to learn the hard way and it all came down to me IGNORING MY GUT. I saw signs all along that I didn't listen to. I am not saying you should become paranoid detectives, but you really do want to try and find out if there are major skeletons in the closet. It's your right to know about past marriages and why they ended.
Always be careful. As much as it sucks to be alone while your friends have significant others, it's much worse to be with someone like my ex. At the very best you will feel miserable, soulless, constrained, and empty inside. At the very worst you can be beaten or dead, and that is no joke.
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