Relationship Danger: You're At Fault

[Anonymous]

I think we all know what a good relationship is for each of us. We're happy, we feel fulfilled, we like/love the other person and feel like we're receiving that back, we feel safe, we're compatible in the bedroom, we trust the person, and the list goes on. What happens though when you're in a relationship where things aren't going so well, and you're still in it? You've tried what you've tried to get back to that happy space, but at this point, you're at a point where the two of you are just existing vs. being in an actual fulfilling relationship with one another. If this is the danger your relationship is currently in, it's your fault.

Before you say, well s/he did this or that and the reason you're where you are in a relationship is because of them, and not you, I'm still going to tell you right now, at this point in time, it is your fault. Why? Well, your relationship has come to a point where you know it's not working, and you've tried everything but you refuse to break up and/or move on. Instead you complain about him or her all the time. They don't do this, they did that, they're always fighting with you, they aren't here for you, they are never home, and on and on, and yet, you're still there. You wake up everyday and you basically accept what you have, as bad or unhealthy as it is for you, rather than do anything about it.

You know what happiness is in a relationship because you were once there. When you don't have that anymore for a million different reasons, staying in something that gives you no joy, no satisfaction, no reciprocation of your efforts, is your fault. At that point in a dying relationship, you are the root cause of your own problems because you can't seem to find the strength to get up and move on. You're unhappy because YOU keep on accepting mediocrity from your partner, or worse. You keep blaming them for the person they are or have become even though it is clear you know who they are because you complain about the same things over and over and they aren't changing.

If you want more for yourself in a relationship, have the courage to go after what you want rather than just continuously accept what you have. It may not be easy, but the alternative is that every day for however long, you will continue to feel like crap and that you are not valued in your own relationship, in your own home, in your own life. You certainly have the ability to leave something that does not work for you, if only you'd make the first move.

[MarriedMale43]

My marriage vows included a vow of responsibility to our children, then unimagined, now real and vibrant and wonderful. My marriage vows included a vow of support for my wife.

Is my marriage at the point where I need to put my own oxygen mask on first, in order to be the kind of father I want to be for my children? Is my marriage at the point where the most supportive thing I can do for my wife is to walk away?

Is the idea that my marriage at the point where I am not "fulfilled" by it sufficient justification for me to place my own needs ahead of my vows and responsibilities?

Where do I draw the line? How unhappy do I have to be in order to justify harming my children, my wife, and myself by breaking my vows?

Is there a guarantee that my future happiness will outweigh those injuries?

[myTake Owner]

I have friends who's parents stayed together supposedly for them. They spent the better part of 10 years listening to their parents scream and fight and argue and become distant and cold. How happy do you think they were that their parents stayed together having to endure the stress of that everyday of their lives. They lived a nightmare in a place they are supposed to feel safe, warm, loved, and happy.

Divorce hurts a lot. To all involved, but it's misguided to believe that your misery in staying together is beneficial to your children or you. If you were to divorce, does that mean you stop loving your children---I very much hope not. In your current state is there anything to say you can't work things through, if divorce were impending? No. However, there does come a point for many people where things aren't working. They aren't speaking. They are no longer civil, and the thought of coming home is a depression. Who should have to continuously live like that? Who is that healthy for?

[myTake Owner]

Furthermore, there is nothing to say that beyond a divorce, you could not still support your wife, and I don't mean financially. Many people co-parent in healthy and positive ways that very much benefit everyone involved. If you vowed to support and love this person, there are other ways to commit to that love even if you are no longer together.

Keep in mind, I'm talking about people who have tried all that they can do to get back to a healthy relationship and their efforts have failed. I'm not talking about you had one fight over breakfast. This is often years in long term relationships or months in dating relationships that people are in situations that are not healthy for them or fail to give them any sort of happiness or fulfillment.

[MarriedMale43]

Thank you - your reply ought to be the MHA for this post. :)

[myTake Owner]

Mytakes don't have MHA's, and you can't give the MHA to yourself about a post you posted.

[SovereignessofVamps]

It's true to me too. If you have drama, then you'll have to either leave or fix it.

[Anonymous]

i'm so glad i don't have to deal with women and relationships anymore. My friends with benefits is the best thing ever... you get to fuck the hell out of women with no strings... how fucking awesome is that. Fuck women... and their fucking feminist agenda

[Anonymous]

Exactly too many women are unhappy because theyou have abandoned their biological role as wife, homemaker and mother.

[Anonymous]

Really needed this right now

[Anonymous]

Why can't we find the strength to make the decision we really want to make? WHy are we so easy to save someone elses feelings instead of our own?
This life is difficult

[myTake Owner]

It's difficult, but as with anything, with time, many a life lesson can be learned. It may not be any easier down the road to walk away from something bad, but you'll hopefully have the foresight to know that you're doing it with the knowledge that you know in the long run, it's best for you.

[SteppingOnRoses]

It feels like you're telling yourself this

[myTake Owner]

I'm actually passing on the wisdom from my long ago past. It's easy to say what someone else should do, but harder to say those things to yourself. However, when you personally found the way through a situation, it's good to then be able to pass on the wisdom of experience to others who were once in the same position you were in.

[SteppingOnRoses]

I agree