I was having a private conversation on GaG about what personality traits attract someone abusive and controlling. Some of the things we came up I thought were valuable enough to create a Take and perhaps show some signs of what people look for when they enter relationships meant to do you harm.
I’ll leave this person’s username out of the Take, but want to thank them for the idea for me to put this together!--you know who you are.
Signs of What's to Come
These are just my observations, and by no means limit other personality types or gender from being a target. We are all susceptive to harm, and no matter what, we need to look after ourselves and each other regardless of who we are, giving each other the support network it takes to get help.
People who abuse others [normally] look for The Lonely. Those without family, friends, and the know-how to reach for help. They don’t want you to get help or talk to people so they will often prey on those who already will feel the need to cling to the person because they’re all they have.
Abusers tend to give false praise to a person, only to tear it down later. When the other person feels good about themselves hearing all the compliments from someone, in almost a cult-like fashion, the abuser has them where they want them. After some time, hearing the "you’re-worthless-and-pathetic" type of comments coming from the mouth of someone you believe will now almost seem like the truth.
An abuser will try to take away their support, and pull their victim away from their network of friends and family if they try and reach out for help. They want to be the only one in their life. They encourage them to delete their social media. They make constant insults about their friends and family, and how the person is better off without them is a sign that the abuser wants to control and for them to feel that going to others is wrong. Look for noticeable contrasts to what they say. If you know your family is (considerably) normal, and your friends are good people, this should be a sign that the abuser is obviously wrong.
The abuser is quick to feel remorse because of the actual fear being alone. When treating someone badly, and as often as they do, they will resort to a lot of regret, become emotional, and place the pity on themselves. Being the nice-natured person [you] are, will respond to this with sympathy and may allow the person a chance. If you allow it, they know they have the ability to repeat their acts of abuse.
They insult your ability to stand up for yourself. The “nice” person they originally thought they had (and still do have), who is standing up to their behaviour is often called down on as being “wrong” or “not so nice”, or called names to make them believe that what they’re doing is against their [nice] nature. Most people who are good-hearted don’t want to hear that they’re anything nasty, and if unable to resist against the tactics, will revert back to the way they were and even apologize for standing up for themselves.
Getting Help
Only you know your boundaries of safety, so consider this next section carefully and do what is best for you. These tips are just my advice, and if you feel still put you in harm’s way, or if you’re unsure, call or click the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
National Domestic Abuse Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
- Talk to your friends and family regardless of what your abuser tells you to do.
- If leaving is not an option (yet), at least visit a shelter to get advice.
- If you don’t live with the abuser, have a friend or family stay with you for a time.
- Spend as much time in public as you can.
- Talk to the victim’s services department at your local police.
- Do not forget your self-worth or strength. You are actually mentally and emotionally stronger than your abuser and may not even realize it yet.
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