I've been single my entire life. You know those people who are always in relationships? I'm the complete opposite. My longest relationship was 3 years, but those last 2 years were on-and-off (mostly off) and based on sex.
And before I move on with this article I just want to point out, that this year has been a turning point for me, and although in some ways I might still be jaded, I mostly am not anymore. I've become much happier this year only because I have finally accepted that I will most likely be single. I'm enjoying life... traveling, shopping, baking, cooking, playing with butterflies... just doing things I love to do.
But, why am I eternally single?
Well, I for one do not put up with B.S. Throughout my whole life I have always had a strong personality. I'm a leader, not a follower. People copy me, I do not copy them. I create trends. And as soon as someone else catches on, I've already moved on to the next big thing.
And with that said, I know what you're going to say...
You're too controlling!
You're just too picky!
Two phrases I hear an awful lot. But it's simply not true. When I am with a guy I like I'm smart enough to let my guard down and be myself. I don't try to control the relationship. I make it fun. I know how to show how I feel about someone and I'm not scared. However throughout my mid to late 20's, I convinced myself I was the problem. But now that my mind is clear, I realize I am not the problem.
The problem is that relationships are messed up. Period.
You can't be a strong person if you want to be in a relationship. You can't be the kind of person who loves themselves. You have to be the kind of person that can put up with a lot of crap and keep your mouth shut; OR, you have to be the kind of person who can find someone else who will put up with all of your crap and keep their mouths shut.
Someone who loves themselves will always maintain their integrity. Someone who is honest will always see the truth. So when my boyfriend is cheating on me, as much as it hurts, I can SEE it and ACCEPT it. I can walk away, as much as it hurts. I won't believe his lies or listen to his reasons. I won't let him fool me or trick me into staying.
But I am also too honest to be the kind of person who will treat someone else like crap and expect them to put up with me. I couldn't be with someone like that anyway. But it seems that imbalance needs to be there... the good cop/bad cop is ALWAYS present in a relationship.
When the love isn't there. I see it. When there is no compatibility or no attraction, I see that too. I can accept when something isn't working for me and I can walk away. It always hurts, I always cry, and it always takes me a long time to get over it, but I do it because I love myself.
But most people can't. Most people will have that weird feeling that their boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating and choose to ignore it. They'll lash out on others around them who they think are interfering with their relationships, but they will never lash out at the source - their boyfriend or girlfriend.They'll complain and pour their hearts out to their friends and tell everyone they're going to end it, and they don't. They stay.
People will convince themselves of many things - he/she will change when [insert major milestone]. Example major milestone: move in together, get married, have a baby, etc.
I, however, and those just like me? We DON'T convince ourselves of such things.
For years I wondered why I could not find love.
Every article or book I have read, every single person I have ever spoken to, everybody and everything says and read the exact same thing:
My brother's wife doesn't love herself. When he married her after cheating on her for years, she happily said YES. When she caught him with one of my friends in the first year they were dating, instead of breaking up with him, she banned my friends from being around him (I found out a few years ago that my brother has had sex with ALL of my friends). But she got him to marry her (although he might eventually go back to his cheating ways).
Another friend convinced himself his girlfriend will change when they move in together. When she didn't change he convinced himself she would change when they get engaged, then when they get married.. and now it's "maybe she'll change when the baby is born...". LOL. SHE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Stop kidding yourself. He dug himself a big hole that he will now NEVER get out of.
Or the friend that disappears because his/her wife/husband dislikes all the friends.
Or the person who changes their interest with every new boyfriend/girlfriend, because she/he must love what the boyfriend/girlfriend loves. This person probably has no clue who they themselves are.
But me? I wouldn't expect someone to change. I'd love someone exactly the way they are, and if I couldn't? Then that person is just not for me! I know that. I can see that.
If someone were cheating on me, I wouldn't blame the mistress, I'd blame my boyfriend. And I did. I loved one of my exes more than anything. I thought we would get married. I thought we were perfect. Then out of nowhere he surprised me with infidelity. I had to end it. No if's, and's or but's. It was one of the most painful experiences I have had to endure. I was never mad at the girl... I didn't care about her. I had not a single thought about her. All I thought about was his betrayal and how much I had loved him.
I'm not saying one way is right or wrong.
What I'm trying to point out is that, all these magazines that tell you you must "love yourself" first? It's all lies. They leave us holding on to this false hope that someday we will all get the love we want. It's all B.S. and a marketing tactic. So many of us will end up single. And I'm probably one of those people.
I'm tired of trying to figure out if a guy is into me or not. I know I'm too much of an individual to ever get into a relationship. I can't put up with B.S. When my ex-boyfriend fought with me because he wanted me to stop talking to one of my colleagues, I fought back. I had no reason to cut off my colleague. My ex came to work to pick me up and saw us standing closely looking at something on a computer and he thought something was going on.
I explained that we were looking at something and how hurt I was that he would even think I would ever cheat. When I refused to cut all contact with my colleague (we never spoke outside of work, so I think he expected me to stop talking to him at work) he broke up with me. It was so upsetting to know that someone would break up with me over something so small, and that someone refused to get to know the real me and didn't understand me enough to know that I would NEVER cheat. Not ever.
I loved myself my entire life, until I had one too many failed relationships and had my heart broken one too many times.
It is relationships that messed up my self-esteem, my confidence, and how I felt about myself. It took years for me to figure out how to love myself again and to realize that I was not the problem. And it was in the process of learning to love myself again that I realized and accepted that I will most likely never find love, for the same reasons that I am able to love myself.
As everyone around me gets married, the very few that are left unmarried will soon be as well, I see their lives pass me by.. and I'm standing watching everyone rush by. Like in those movies where time stops for one person but not for everyone else. And I tragically realized that all these people... all my friends... they have SO many issues they have NEVER had to work on.
They have never had to do the self discovery that I have had to do. They have NEVER had to learn how to love themselves.
And why is that?
Because someone else already loves them and they don't have to love themselves.
Someone else loves them and all their imperfections and bitchiness and their lack of trustworthiness. Someone else loves them despite their cheating ways. Someone else loves them even though they are rude and disrespect them in front of their friends and family. Someone else loves them even though they consistently tell everyone else how unhappy they are and how they do not love their partners back.
And all these people KNOW how afraid their husbands/wives or boyfriends/girlfriends are of losing them. How scared they are to upset them. How they will do anything and everything to please them.
I have to love myself because nobody else does. Nobody has ever put up with me when I screw up. Nobody ever cared about upsetting me. Nobody ever wanted to fix things. Nobody was ever afraid that I would break up with them, or that I would get angry. And that's why someone like me needs to love themselves.
The next time someone tells you to "Love Yourself" tell THEM to go F themselves because you're going to find someone is going to love YOU so that you don't have to. And if you are the kind of person who can find someone else to love you and all your flaws, then great. You don't have to change.
Is this entire article sarcasm?
I don't really know at the moment. But I know it is how I feel right now.. and have felt for a while.