Why Loving Yourself Leads to Loneliness Instead of Love and Marriage

I've been single my entire life. You know those people who are always in relationships? I'm the complete opposite. My longest relationship was 3 years, but those last 2 years were on-and-off (mostly off) and based on sex.

Why Loving Yourself Leads to Loneliness Instead of Love and Marriage

And before I move on with this article I just want to point out, that this year has been a turning point for me, and although in some ways I might still be jaded, I mostly am not anymore. I've become much happier this year only because I have finally accepted that I will most likely be single. I'm enjoying life... traveling, shopping, baking, cooking, playing with butterflies... just doing things I love to do.

But, why am I eternally single?

Well, I for one do not put up with B.S. Throughout my whole life I have always had a strong personality. I'm a leader, not a follower. People copy me, I do not copy them. I create trends. And as soon as someone else catches on, I've already moved on to the next big thing.

And with that said, I know what you're going to say...

You're too controlling!

You're just too picky!

Two phrases I hear an awful lot. But it's simply not true. When I am with a guy I like I'm smart enough to let my guard down and be myself. I don't try to control the relationship. I make it fun. I know how to show how I feel about someone and I'm not scared. However throughout my mid to late 20's, I convinced myself I was the problem. But now that my mind is clear, I realize I am not the problem.

The problem is that relationships are messed up. Period.

Why Loving Yourself Leads to Loneliness Instead of Love and Marriage

You can't be a strong person if you want to be in a relationship. You can't be the kind of person who loves themselves. You have to be the kind of person that can put up with a lot of crap and keep your mouth shut; OR, you have to be the kind of person who can find someone else who will put up with all of your crap and keep their mouths shut.

Someone who loves themselves will always maintain their integrity. Someone who is honest will always see the truth. So when my boyfriend is cheating on me, as much as it hurts, I can SEE it and ACCEPT it. I can walk away, as much as it hurts. I won't believe his lies or listen to his reasons. I won't let him fool me or trick me into staying.

But I am also too honest to be the kind of person who will treat someone else like crap and expect them to put up with me. I couldn't be with someone like that anyway. But it seems that imbalance needs to be there... the good cop/bad cop is ALWAYS present in a relationship.

When the love isn't there. I see it. When there is no compatibility or no attraction, I see that too. I can accept when something isn't working for me and I can walk away. It always hurts, I always cry, and it always takes me a long time to get over it, but I do it because I love myself.

But most people can't. Most people will have that weird feeling that their boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating and choose to ignore it. They'll lash out on others around them who they think are interfering with their relationships, but they will never lash out at the source - their boyfriend or girlfriend.They'll complain and pour their hearts out to their friends and tell everyone they're going to end it, and they don't. They stay.

People will convince themselves of many things - he/she will change when [insert major milestone]. Example major milestone: move in together, get married, have a baby, etc.

I, however, and those just like me? We DON'T convince ourselves of such things.

For years I wondered why I could not find love.

Every article or book I have read, every single person I have ever spoken to, everybody and everything says and read the exact same thing:

Why Loving Yourself Leads to Loneliness Instead of Love and Marriage

LOL... really?

My brother's wife doesn't love herself. When he married her after cheating on her for years, she happily said YES. When she caught him with one of my friends in the first year they were dating, instead of breaking up with him, she banned my friends from being around him (I found out a few years ago that my brother has had sex with ALL of my friends). But she got him to marry her (although he might eventually go back to his cheating ways).

Another friend convinced himself his girlfriend will change when they move in together. When she didn't change he convinced himself she would change when they get engaged, then when they get married.. and now it's "maybe she'll change when the baby is born...". LOL. SHE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Stop kidding yourself. He dug himself a big hole that he will now NEVER get out of.

Or the friend that disappears because his/her wife/husband dislikes all the friends.

Or the person who changes their interest with every new boyfriend/girlfriend, because she/he must love what the boyfriend/girlfriend loves. This person probably has no clue who they themselves are.

But me? I wouldn't expect someone to change. I'd love someone exactly the way they are, and if I couldn't? Then that person is just not for me! I know that. I can see that.

If someone were cheating on me, I wouldn't blame the mistress, I'd blame my boyfriend. And I did. I loved one of my exes more than anything. I thought we would get married. I thought we were perfect. Then out of nowhere he surprised me with infidelity. I had to end it. No if's, and's or but's. It was one of the most painful experiences I have had to endure. I was never mad at the girl... I didn't care about her. I had not a single thought about her. All I thought about was his betrayal and how much I had loved him.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong.

What I'm trying to point out is that, all these magazines that tell you you must "love yourself" first? It's all lies. They leave us holding on to this false hope that someday we will all get the love we want. It's all B.S. and a marketing tactic. So many of us will end up single. And I'm probably one of those people.

I'm tired of trying to figure out if a guy is into me or not. I know I'm too much of an individual to ever get into a relationship. I can't put up with B.S. When my ex-boyfriend fought with me because he wanted me to stop talking to one of my colleagues, I fought back. I had no reason to cut off my colleague. My ex came to work to pick me up and saw us standing closely looking at something on a computer and he thought something was going on.

I explained that we were looking at something and how hurt I was that he would even think I would ever cheat. When I refused to cut all contact with my colleague (we never spoke outside of work, so I think he expected me to stop talking to him at work) he broke up with me. It was so upsetting to know that someone would break up with me over something so small, and that someone refused to get to know the real me and didn't understand me enough to know that I would NEVER cheat. Not ever.

I loved myself my entire life, until I had one too many failed relationships and had my heart broken one too many times.

Why Loving Yourself Leads to Loneliness Instead of Love and Marriage

It is relationships that messed up my self-esteem, my confidence, and how I felt about myself. It took years for me to figure out how to love myself again and to realize that I was not the problem. And it was in the process of learning to love myself again that I realized and accepted that I will most likely never find love, for the same reasons that I am able to love myself.

As everyone around me gets married, the very few that are left unmarried will soon be as well, I see their lives pass me by.. and I'm standing watching everyone rush by. Like in those movies where time stops for one person but not for everyone else. And I tragically realized that all these people... all my friends... they have SO many issues they have NEVER had to work on.

They have never had to do the self discovery that I have had to do. They have NEVER had to learn how to love themselves.

And why is that?

Because someone else already loves them and they don't have to love themselves.

Someone else loves them and all their imperfections and bitchiness and their lack of trustworthiness. Someone else loves them despite their cheating ways. Someone else loves them even though they are rude and disrespect them in front of their friends and family. Someone else loves them even though they consistently tell everyone else how unhappy they are and how they do not love their partners back.

And all these people KNOW how afraid their husbands/wives or boyfriends/girlfriends are of losing them. How scared they are to upset them. How they will do anything and everything to please them.

I have to love myself because nobody else does. Nobody has ever put up with me when I screw up. Nobody ever cared about upsetting me. Nobody ever wanted to fix things. Nobody was ever afraid that I would break up with them, or that I would get angry. And that's why someone like me needs to love themselves.

The next time someone tells you to "Love Yourself" tell THEM to go F themselves because you're going to find someone is going to love YOU so that you don't have to. And if you are the kind of person who can find someone else to love you and all your flaws, then great. You don't have to change.

Is this entire article sarcasm?

I don't really know at the moment. But I know it is how I feel right now.. and have felt for a while.

Why Loving Yourself Leads to Loneliness Instead of Love and Marriage
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Most Helpful Guy

  • hellionthesage

    No, your not single because your an individual that's moronic. Loving yourself is different then making excuses and being narcissistic. Your a trend setter? What trends? You don't tolerate bullshit? Welcome to the club. Everything you stated sounds like an excuse like you blame yourself (it may or may not be warrented I don't know) but are trying to hide from that thought by overcompensating and stating how its not you its the rest of the world, its every single guy you have been with, everyone else is defective buy you are not etc. etc. etc. People make relationships work all the time, those who cannot think of others or cannot be themselves are the ones who are in crap relationships and ruined relationships. One extreme isn't going to fix it its just going to keep it out of balance and result in you having failed relationships. Relationships, like everything else requires compromise. Are you a sheep for going to work to get a paycheck? No, its a compromise you may not want the work but you want the paycheck so you put aside immediate want to get a more long lasting need. Same in a relationship, yes some times your going to have to do shit you don't want to that doesn't mean your not an individual it means you know how to compromise, yes if you do everything they want and neglect yourself its going to lead to dysfunction just as doing only what you want leads to dysfunction. Look at spoiled brats that grow up to be self absorbed people they stick to what they want they do what they want, does that make them pleasant to be around? No. Does it make them functional people? No. Does it make them happy? No. Does it do anything for them except drive people away from them? No. Same goes with push overs who allow others to manipulate them, its about balance. Self love isn't about talking yourself up, its not about being "independent" or not needing any one, its about accepting yourself. This whole notion of not conforming or working with a person is just idioticly stupid, we are humans we are social by nature literally every interaction from parent to child to sibling to friendships to acquintances, to coworkers to bosses to the government requires some form of compromise. Its about self control understanding that their is a bigger picture, some times you got to wake up when you don't want to because it means getting a paycheck which lets you do the things you do want to do. Relationships are no different.

    Is this still revelant?
    • brain5000

      So you are telling her love means putting up with cheaters and bad people, because it's all about compromise? Maybe she should marry someone she isn't attracted to and doesn't care for, because, well, people are social and compromise.

    • @brain5000 At which point did I state that? At no point did I state you should be in a bad relationship in fact I stated outright that when you go to the extremes that constitutes a bad relationship. Several times actually. She is making an excuse, she is stating that she is "to independent" and that's why she can't have a relationship then she goes on to use anecdotal evidence to show why she is right. You know all of this of course as its impossible to come to the conclusion you did if you read what I wrote. Relationships require compromise so her saying she is to independent heavily suggests that she was unwilling to compromise with her partners and was unwilling to consider their needs. To clarify so you don't pretend to misunderstand this statement no you should leave a cheating partner no you should not put up with abusive relationships (all of which is so painfully obvious that I am saddened that I have to state it) and no you should not be with some one your not attracted to

    • @brain5000 which of course had nothing to do with what she was saying at all but again you knew that.

    • Show All

Most Helpful Girl

  • redeyemindtricks

    Girl, you have a sad, sad idea of what "loving yourself" means.

    "Loving yourself" does NOT mean thinking yr life is perfectly content and full in its present state, and that you're already "complete" as a person.
    That's not EVER how real love works.

    I mean... I'm thinking about the love I have for my children. I love my kids more than life itself -- and I would NEVER want to see my kids stuck in some rut of "self-satisfaction" where they'd lost that itch to IMPROVE themselves and their lives.

    Love -- my love for my children -- means always wanting them to BETTER their lives... to IMPROVE themselves... to learn MORE about themselves, their capacities, and their calling in this life.

    If I were perfectly satisfied to see my kids' lives stay exactly as they are -- forever -- then, I'd argue, that'd actually be a sign that I DIDN'T really love them.

    And... It's exactly the same thing with "loving myself".
    "Loving myself" is... restless. It's relentless. It's NEVER "satisfied" with the present situation.
    "Loving myself" wants MORE for myself. Growth. Challenges. New discoveries.

    You know where you'll absolutely make more of those discoveries than ANYWHERE else?
    ... In a healthy relationship, that's where.



    If yr idea of a relationship is someone who cheats on you and disrespects you at every turn... then that's EXACTLY what you'll get, in yr relationships.

    If yr idea of a relationship is someone with whom you can GROW -- someone who'll challenge you to become a better person, while supporting you in the moments when you need it -- then THAT, too, is exactly what you'll get.

    Self-fulfilling prophecy is absolutely a thing. If you go out looking for misery... girlfriend, you'll DEFINITELY find it.

    Now stop making me sad. And go out there, and live, and love.

    Is this still revelant?
    • brain5000

      I agree with everything you wrote, but I am not sure it addresses the things she discussed.

      I am reading that the people she sees getting into relationships don't really love themselves, because they blind themselves to the terrible behaviors of their partners. They hold their partners as innocent for their infidelities, for example, while she blames her partners instead when they cheat.

      I think she is seeing loving another as some form of self-loathing, where you have to put up with terrible behavior by your partner and blind yourself to it to make it work. This isn't the result of bad expectations or her idea of a relationship. Her frustration is that while her idea of a relationship is that partners are faithful, her reality is that they are not.

      I hope this isn't true, but my experiences have some similarities to hers.

    • @brain5000 yeah, that's kinda where I was going most directly with those last couple of paragraphs.

    • brain5000

      I am not so sure it is a self-fulfilling prophesy though. I take her at her word when she writes things like the next paragraph. I see the words of someone who is disillusioned and not a cynic.

      "I loved one of my exes more than anything. I thought we would get married. I thought we were perfect. Then out of nowhere he surprised me with infidelity. I had to end it..."

What Girls & Guys Said

  • Darkfairie17

    I totally get this! I feel like this whole thing is one of the biggest issues surrounding relationships. The idea that people do not have to do self discovery and work on their problems because someone else loves them already.

    Most of my friends are married or in relationships, and it's hard to watch some of them. I have a friend who bosses around her husband all the time. And treats him like crap. Meanwhile he just sits and takes it. I personally couldn't be in a relationship like that, and I would never bark commands at my husband.

    Yet I'm single, even though I've done all the self-discovery and I constantly work on things with myself. I feel like people just think I'm 'too much' and pass me over for someone else. I'm incredibly accommodating too and apparently that is a bad thing.

    I've never had a guy take an interest in any of my interests. And yet when we start dating, if he likes a certain sports team, I try to learn as much as I can so we can enjoy some games together. But god forbid if I like a band he doesn't like. It's like I've committed a sin, even if I never ask him to listen or go to a concert with me.

    I feel like I am constantly accommodating for other people and I am TIRED! I want someone who is going to accommodate me sometimes!

    I know people are saying this is an unhealthy way to look at relationships. But TBH this is the reality of relationships. I've noticed this for a long time.

    It's not that you can't love yourself in a relationship. It's that most people don't love themselves or they love themselves too much and expect other people to just mold to what they want. They don't think they need to work on their problems, even if they are serious issues (like constant cheating) because people should just take them as they are. Even if the person has some super serious issues! (like abuse or drug addiction or needs therapy).

    And if someone is a complete person who loves themselves, then they are looked at like an alien.

    All I want is someone who I can talk to, love and have support me as I support them. I want a relationship where we are partners and we can do stuff together and have experiences together. That's all I want. But too many people are turned off by that. I try to include a person in my life and that is just too much for them. It's a real bummer.

    I think we should all love ourselves and take care of our needs. But sometimes it's nice if we can find someone who can love us too.

    • Tony1974

      You sound just like me... A partner is a want not a need. Love should be unconditional but in today's society it's so conditional and fleeting at best (most don't know what love is)... I'm all for finding somebody with similar interests but who have enough differences to make life more interesting. You wouldn't happen to be a virgo would you? or a libra? I'm on the cusp so match could be either one.

    • @Tony1974 nope I'm a Leo. A lady I worlrk with thought I was a Virgo too. I would love a partner and love to have a loving relationship. It's just so hard to find. I've worked my butt off meeting people and trying to put myself out there. But I am tired! I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

    • aamina_m

      I feel the exact same way. I would really love to have someone to love and love me back but I feel like these so many people are so emotionally messed up that it's nearly impossible. Out of all the couples I know maybe there are 2 who are actually in love, but the rest definitely are not. It's sad and it seems more people are opting to be single. I hope those like you and I will someday be proved wrong or find a way to live happily without a relationship

    • Show All
  • Rawrzz

    Rofl. Well, self-esteem is clearly not your issue. Baller, shotcaller. m.quickmeme.com/.../...deedf04b592f2919c355017.jpg
    "I know what you're thinking." I don't know if you do...

    I agree with many of the things you've said, however. And even identify, on some level. Particularly the 'putting up with crap part." Reminds me of one of my sayings, relationships are about resistance to hate more than they are about love.

    There are definitely a lot of bullshit lines. People just say what suits them. They're not actually interested in you finding love. Either they're indulging their delusions, or they just use a platitude, because they don't want to put in any effort into helping you.

    Of course, even still, I would suggest therapy. Like, really.

    Motivations and deep beliefs lie in the unconscious mind. Are you sure you know all your future actions? How you will change over time? There's a reason cheating is so common. It is natural to humans. And in society, 90% of people share an abhorence for cheating. Doesn't stop people from cheating. Also reminds me of heroin users. 99% of them who start out snorting or smoking always say, "but I will NEVER use a needle." They do. Sorta similar to love, the drug.

    Well. There's another explanation. I believe it's been studied in sociology that people who are less self-conscious tend to do much better in all sorts of relationships than people who are very aware of themselves. I like your MyTake. But I think you might be focusing too much on "loving yourself" as the crux.

    Maybe you're not suited to monogamy. Forgiveness is a very important aspect of monogamy in any relationship, really. You don't seem the forgiving type. Or, maybe you just need a specific kind of guy. But you're not going to find anyone who is never going to give you shit. People aren't perfect. I would never be cheated on, because I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes everyone else makes. If a person is not getting enough out of the relationship, why not give permission to obtain it elswhere? Course, that's just me.

    'Course, being alone is okay, too. So long as you are truly comfortable that way, and aren't just doing it because you think you're too abnormal or incompatible with relationships. But, there's also nothing wrong with jumping from person to person, enjoying the moments while they last, but not expecting them to ever workout long-term. Point being going the distance. Anyway, good luck whatever you do.

    • aamina_m

      I would never cheat because I would never be in a relationship I didn't want to be in. I have no issues with people dating around, or sleeping around. I wish I had the ability to just sleep with whoever and not let it affect me emotionally. That would solve ALL my problems. I would just have a different boyfriend every week. But I would be honest about it. I would clearly state "this is just sex!". And I have done that once before that one time I had a sex-buddy for like 2 years. I was very clear about it.

      What bothers me are the people who are dishonest. Those who cheat while leading on the other and allowing them to think they're in an exclusive relationship.

      I thought about the forgiveness thing too, and maybe that is my problem. Mind you, I have trouble forgiving things that are BIG issues, not the little things. I'm also a highly logical thinker (I code video games) and I use people's past behaviors to predict their future ones (probably really bad too).

  • lightbulb27

    I've spent a bit of time thinking about this love thing after breakup with prior girlfriend, but not from the angle of loving myself. We could probably talk for a long tim on this. You sound frustrated and ready to give up... or have given up. I can relate, I get it. I'm single never married as well and I'm a good guy, etc.. . blah bllah blah. I know quite a few quality women who are not married and some never married. Something is really screwed up in our generation.

    What I think is love is really a sub conscious thing where a person feels comfortable with another person because they relate someohow to their childhood... what they were familiar with. A lot of kids childhoods are screwed up so you see needy broken people loving other screwed up people.

    The more sane, stable you are, the harder it seems to be to find someone of like mind and experiences. Obviously you did find people some matches but there were issues.

    I've seen good quality people married recently, and those married for life. it happens, and the woman had given up and resigned she'd never be happy or find the guy. then she met my brother and she's happy as a clam. Someimes I wonder if when you give up, that is when it works... they met on a dating site. I've had no success there.

    heck I don't know, it is 100 times more difficult than it needs to be... almost seems like someone intentionally screwed it all up doesn't it.

    I don't know about "loving yourself" stuff, I don't think about that. I do focus on accepting myself, being fun, learning dating skills and interaction skills, and learning from each person I meed... as well as adding value where I can. That way, I'm living along the way. Love may be something you give along the way, not something you find with some person.

    There... more BS cause we all want someone and can't find it, but it sounds good!

    • aamina_m

      haha yes I totally agree that most relationships are messed up nowadays. And quite honestly I think my friends and family, more than my own experiences, screwed it up for me. At least I got out of my crappy situations and can choose to be happy now.

  • JudgmentDay

    Don't be so hard on yourself. Relationships aren't guaranteed to last forever for everyone in the first place. No one is ever entitled to those romantic happily ever after type of relationships as they aren't exactly happily ever after in reality.

    Just keep one thing in mind, time is always going to flow forward, don't dwell on the unhappiness of being still single. Just go out there and have as much fun as possible and let go all of the unhappy emotions, just do that from here on out while you can, just LIVE FOR THE MOMENT, go somewhere, see something, do something, try something new, or pick up on older hobbies and favorite things you enjoy seeing, listening to, or doing, catch up with other friends or even relatives that are still single, or had recently became single, if any of them are still single or had recently became single. Because we can never know how much time there really is left for us to remain in this world, why not just enjoy it as much as possible while we still can, before the lights go out forever without dwelling on the unhappiness and disappointments of things that occur to us over our lifetime simply because of the fact we don't really have absolute control over every little thing that ever happens to us in the very first place?

    • aamina_m

      I know and that is definitely what I realized earlier this year and have been doing :)

  • Browneye57

    Solipsism on full display.
    You lack empathy and are inflexible. You'll find it difficult to find anyone that will meet your expectations, so you will always be disappointed.

    Consider professional counseling. You have some learning to do about people, self image, and relationships. If you can find the right one they can help you a lot.

    • Sadly that isn't the path for many women of the last two generations. I recently read an article in the daily mail of a 51 year old woman who had just gotten married. The picture spoke a thousand words, the misery etched into her face while she lamented about how 'loving herself' should have been her focus. I only hope her new husband read it because she spent the whole article convincing herself that the problem wasn't her viewpoint and abandonment of motherhood for a career but that she'd worried about not finding a man all these years and that he really didn't matter that much.

      Women these days are going to endless lengths to avoid embracing the fact that feminism failed them miserably, that 'girl power' wasn't power at all and that now men are giving up their traditional roles as well. it's sad and destructive to both sexes but the lies are so pervasive now that even cohabitation is a minefield. Women need to stop and look at themselves, but god help any man who suggests it.

    • aamina_m

      If wanting someone to be faithful and respectful, and to date me because they actually want to be with me and not because they're single in their 30's and desperate to marry is asking for too much then forget the counseling, I'll stay single forever.

    • Respect is earned and frankly so is faith. But I'm around the same age as you and share the same frustrations. I was even engaged once a few years back and she ended up trying to stab me in the face with a butcher knife - then chased me for a year and lied to me about having my baby. Prior to that I'd dated another Jewish girl who wasn't quite as psychotic but just as screwed up and from the other women I've dated I can tell you it ain't me. I grew up in a christian family, parents still together, I'm 6'5, muscular, considered good looking by all accounts and have never cheated on a girl my whole life. I'm just not a pussy and don't put up with the bullshit.

      Honestly aamina, I could make it work with a girl if it wasn't for the law - I've had too many friends end up paying chid support in their 30's, sleeping on a shitty futon watching their kids call some other guy daddy in their own house - I mean how would you feel if that were you? - the trust is truly broken.

  • DodgersGM

    This is a pretty dangerous ideology to spread around at a place like GaG.

    And anyway, why can't a person love themselves, find someone who loves them for who they are, while continually working on being the best person they can be? I feel like 99%+ of people are capable of this if they really work at it and change their mindset.

    • aamina_m

      that would be AWESOME (concerning your second paragraph).

      well I was being sarcastic, you think people are going to take it seriously?

  • LittleSally

    Great mytake!

    You know what? I can honestly say there is something to this, but not what you mean by it. It's more in the realm of: if you love yourself you'll never see anyone as good enough for you (or you'll rarely meet a person like this), while if you don't love yourself you'll let everyone walk all over you for 'love'...

    • aamina_m

      I love what you just wrote... honestly I don't even know what I meant by what I wrote.. a third of it was sarcasm lol and another third was venting my frustration and the rest is just sharing my experiences.

  • brain5000

    Bravo. This is the kind of myTake that keeps me on GAG, even when I feel like I have read every kind of story. And speaking of stories - your ex-boyfriend with the co-worker? I doubt that was about you. Perhaps he had dealt with cheating in his past life, and it f-ed him up something terrible? Everyone has a story. When behavior makes no sense? Story.

    In any event, you were correct - that wasn't your fault, and you didn't do anything wrong. All of your suppositions and choices here are legitimate, except for one.

    Love is possible, but winning the good kind, the only kind you or I find acceptable, is like winning a lottery. The odds are low. Miracles can happen, but you shouldn't live your life based on the expectation of a powerball win just because your grandma or our culture or some movie promised you it would happen.

    Remember the goal. The goal isn't to find someone who loves you for your awful, cheating ways and all of your other flaws; it is to find someone who makes you your best self. Who enhances the love you have for yourself. It should be effortless for them. Just by being who they are, you love yourself more.

    Do you know of any relationships that work? Or seem to? How is it working?

    There might be someone out there for you. Don't sit around waiting to win the powerball. It might not happen. You were promised something, and you were screwed, but not as screwed as the friends in the dysfunctional relationships.

    There is still more in life. Keep living it. Take a lot of pictures. Keep a journal. If love happens, it happens. If not, well, you will at least have an awesome scrapbook to flip through in your old age.

    • brain5000

      "Pardon me," the dapper gentleman asked. "I see you have been driving this train very hard and moving very fast. Where are you going?"

      The engineer explained. She spoke of her dreams and goals, the things she hoped to accomplish and how she intended to change the world.

      "How wonderful," the man replied. "I am going to the same places. Do you mind if I join you on your journey?"

      In that way, the train traveled on and on, for miles and miles, years and years. And what a wonderful journey they had together.

    • aamina_m

      Well when he broke up with me he told me he couldn't date me because his ex-girlfriend cheated on him and I worked with too many men, and he wouldn't be able to forgive me for that "incident". lol.

      I think I know of like 2 happy couples. They seem to work and seem happy.

      I have been enjoying my life a lot more this past year, ever since I gave up on this notion that I have to find someone and be a "better person". THanks for your lovely comment :)

  • ClaudiusDecimus

    your analysis is very wrong and here's why:
    1. "ou can't be a strong person if you want to be in a relationship" - That's just patently wrong. Human beings from birth are conditioned to need touch and intimacy. It's a scientific fact that pair bonding is even more important than sex. Babies who aren't held DIE, people who remain single live shorter lives... MUCH shorter.

    2. "the good cop/bad cop is ALWAYS present in a relationship..." No it's not. This is called the Transactional analysis model of a relationship or 'PAC' model (Parent-Adult-Child). Often the relationship takes the dynamic of Parent-Child or Child-Child and so it doesn't work out. Only Adult-Adult relationships sustain themselves and more often than not these days - sorry to say - but it's the women who plays the role of the child. The reasons for that are both self evident and based on things like Neotany but essentially the "princess" mentality is ingrained in women through TV, the law and society in general. Just look at the language used. "She FELL pregnant", "You deserve better" and the top reason women give for divorce - who by the way bring 80% of them - "I'm not getting what I need form the relationship".

    3. "He dug himself a big hole that he will now NEVER get out of..." - No he didn't, feminism did. It's a topic I know an enormous amount about. If you want to see it from a man's perspective start with "The myth of male power" by warren farrell, go to avoiceformen. com or better yet start with KAREN STRAUGHN on youtube (the video where she's wearing a yellow top and looks younger). Then search youtube for 'manwomanmyth' (there are a range of topics all expertly done). Put it this way, how would YOU feel if I told you, you had a 50/50 change of sleeping on a shitty futon in a council flat watching your ex-husband fuck several other women in the house YOU paid for, with HIS kids that you could only see in HIS 'Me time'. Then watch HIS children call one of these women mommy. While you pay him another 10/15 years of child support and never afford a family of your own again? How would you feel being called a 'deadbeat mum' knowing that no one gives a shit even when the suicide rate for women (read men) in divorce was 10 times higher.

    Marriage and fidelity are painted as horrific now, not happy, motherhood as failure and what man wants to look in the mirror and see homer simpson looking back at him.

    singledom is not the answer trust is and its harder to earn now than ever

    • h**ps://www. youtube. com/watch? v=rlvMAS_20K4

    • Browneye57

      And there ya go.
      This claudius guy is a smart cookie. :)
      OP is a clueless noob. LOL

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  • ginny_weasley

    I would rather love myself than be in an unhappy relationship or marriage. Animals are better anyways. I refuse to settle for anything that is less than great if it takes my entire life, then so be it.

    • aamina_m

      Smart girl! Good for you to decide that at a young age. I made that decision when I was a teenager too. Don't close yourself off to relationships though, but only if that person is REALLY worth it and is honest and faithful to you and treats you well. But if you don't? Who cares!

    • @aamina_m Exactly!

  • sedrftvgyhujik

    "I've been single my entire life"
    "My longest relationship was 3 years"
    ? ?

    • ayylamo

      I'm confused too. I guess she means not married?
      ? ?

    • Unit1

      Was scoping on this as well!

    • aamina_m

      oh yeah thought to address that. I've had mostly short-lived relationships. It was 1 year dating, and then 2 years just sex.. wasn't really much of a relationship. I just mean that I'm the opposite of a serial dater. I'm usually single for 2 to 3 years between relationsihps so I guess I should say "mostly single".. whatever.

  • Scrambledagain

    Frodo got back from Mordor already by the time I got halfway through this. Could you summarise in 5 sentences?

    • aamina_m

      1 - I own LOTR and the book is much longer than my article

      2 - Yes:
      A) If you want to be in a relationship you have two options: be a jerk, or date a jerk
      B) If you don't care, then be a good person. Don't put up with anyone else.
      C) My entire article might just be sarcasm but I don't really know right now

  • VictoriousSausage

    I have a friend like you, she's 19 now and she's met a guy who she just fell for immediately, they're really great together, she hasn't lost any of her integrity and honesty, but the guy she's with is so great she can just let it all go when she's with him, that's all she ever wanted, someone who won't expect any more of her, someone who'd protect her, and someone she can have fun with. they're planning on getting engaged soon, or so i hear, and i'm not surprised, i was a little at first, but just seeing them together makes my day because they're so fantastic.

    but your point, simply, i'm a firm believer there's someone out there for everyone, that doesn't mean you can let your guard down and just think they'll come to you, you have to work, and try, and if you don't, unfortunately that's your problem, and you can't blame anyone else.

    Some people do find happiness in solidarity though, and i respect that, i've been single for six years now, so a fair bit of time, i've learnt a lot about me, but i'm ready to take on everything again, i know who i am now, i know what i want to do, and i know what i want.

    The only thing i hate is when i see people give up, and i don't know if a i have a point with this comment, but i deeply respect you and your choice, but don't think you're right, i think you can love yourself and have someone to love, sometimes that's what people can love about you is your independence and your ability for self reliance. if thinking about love gets you down, no matter how silly it is, and no matter how untrue it may actually be, but think there's someone out there for you, just the idea of it, you don't have to believe it, coming from a, what, 18 year old British guy with very little dating experience. Just think it that's all.

  • Library

    No, people who love themselves tend not to be lonely. They are more likely to have love and marriage compared to people who hate themselves. Nobody wants to be with a person who doesn't love themselves to some degree. If the person who loves you stops loving you for some reason it will be a big wake up call and it will hurt so much.

    • "Nobody wants to be with a person who doesn't love themselves to some degree"

      Sing it boy.

      Being chained to a self-loathing person would be a fate a thousand times worse than death.

  • Unit1

    You got the wrong idea of loving yourself it seems.
    I can't really explain it but you've been loving yourself the wrong way, like, it's bad to love yourself but it's not.
    There's a reason why this phrase is being repeated because they work.
    Loving yourself does not guarantee you a happy relationship, just like my fucking worthless college degree does not guarantee a workplace.

    However it is always better to be alone than being with someone, who drags you down.

  • Hoala

    not everyone cheats, not everyone will treat you like crap. you probably are just hanging around assholes. There are good people out there

  • lady8787

    that was a wonderfully written article and really touched me. one thing however stood out was the part you said about the cheating. that you only your partner. Me too. its not the outside person that creates the rift. the rift was already there. people are so ready to blame others for their troubles but never look inside their own houses to find out the root.

    great article and well written. Love yourself. HAHA. whatever

  • 1GuyOpinion

    Nah, I will keep loving myself. I also will continue to love someone who also love themselves.

    • aamina_m

      lol you know I was totally joking about that part right? anyway *high five*

  • newbie2015

    Odd take. Not everyone cheats. And I've had several boyfriends who never did and never would. It sounds like you have little faith that people can value their partner above their own pleasures. And that is an entirely different topic then self love. And one can easily love themselves and put someone elses needs before thier own. In fact it can be argued that is the only way to do that. Becauae with out true self worth it is impossible to see tje true worth in others.

    It would almost aeem your argument is you arw better then others. I would imagine this borders on narcism more so then true love of self.

    • aamina_m

      no not really.. it's more that everyone around me is a messed up relationship.. marrying people who cheated on them.. marrying people they cheated on. marrying people because they dn't think they deserve better or will find better (friends have actually admitted this). marrying people they tried to break up with but couldn't because that person went psycho every time. It's more that I'm surrounded by people making very wrong choices. And then there are the people who did marry for all the right reasons but then ended up divorced. Crazy world... also nice to know a lot of people didn't pick up on the sarcasm and chose instead to think I'm narcissist. Whatever...

  • FakeName123

    1. If any guy wrote this people would lose their shit how he is bitter - because that's what you are.

    2. There is a fine line between self-love and self-centeredness.

    3. If a pattern in your life repeats, then chances are YOU are the reason why that pattern repeats. There is no such coincidence.

  • YellowCactus

    I just wonder if the future would have been mostly populated by women like for example there would be ratio of 7 women to 1 man, would that change a women behaviour and the roles to be reversed and females would start chasing males like crazy? I mean it's unreal but I just like to wonder around with my futuristic ideas.

  • SaiyenBloodd

    Omg , I am going through the same thing.

    Been single for the last 6 years almost and been doing all what youve listed above.

    For the past few weeks I been doubting myself if I was the problem or was I being too picky?

    Too many guys are self absorbed and just aren't considerate to put their girl first ever from my experince- so its like lol I thought we were in this together but your too self absorbed so , bye!

    Either way, I am more happy being single then dating/being in a realtionship.

    If a person can't add to your life, whats the point?

    • What where guys doing that was self absorbed?
      Encase there's some subtle things i should avoid doing in a relationship?

    • @sedrftvgyhujik traits like just talking about your own day and not ask or give a shit about the others' , not being reliable and just looking out for yourself

    • Looking out for yourself as in not backing you up in an argument or wanting to move for their career at the expense of yours but not vice versa?

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  • AriadneSky

    Yeah, i agree. i could say a lot but dont have time now, and basically i agree.

    points for being perceptive and unique in your analysis. :)

  • FingerDancer

    OP... on the contrary to what you wrote, I totally agree with you. You have a handle on what brings happiness into your life and there is nothing wrong with that at all. Being truly happy really is a good life in or out of a relationship.

    I am also single and quite content with being single. I truly believe that there is no greater asset on earth than love. I have loved and been loved with enormous passion yet long term relationships surely elude me. I am neither bragging nor complaining but merely stating fact.

    I am good with being single. It seems to work for me :p

    Just my opinon

  • sailorjupiter

    it's simple... nobody wants to be lonely
    it's our nature

  • SheSugarcoat

    completely agree and can relate with you. I guess relationship werent made for everyone...

  • Relentless_Hippie

    I'm sorry but you don't know anything about love at all.

  • Reenx

    I think this is totally incorrect (tbh I only read the title I can't be bothered to listen to it). Firstly , in order to love another you must first love yourself because how else are you going to know how it feels or if he's truly loving you? Plus self loving helps to rid self loathe and negative body image which isn't healthy! Secondly, i think you're thinking of people that are self centred and that you have been hurt in the past and haven't gotten over it which led to this post. First part goes for guys as well self love isn't just for women.

    • aamina_m

      I totally agree with you. But yeah my post was mostly sarcasm. Most people I know are in dysfunctional relationships and this post was written as a result of my frustration with dealing with my family and friends. Unfortunately most people don't care about being in healthy relationships because that requires them to work on themselves and love themselves. It's easier for most people to stay in dysfunctional relationships.

  • lacorine197

    I agree 100 % with you, I'm so sick of it , it's really aggravating

  • ParamountArmada

    and thats what you girls get for going for the "players" aka alpha males, bad boys, and jerks, instead of the nice guys, but whatever.

    • Hypergamy will never change in women but if men had parental rights, reproductive rights, didn't face such collosal hatred in the media and legal system women would find that they aren't all the cheating, childmolesting rapists that feminism paints them as. finding that women would find men with strength, power and real investment in strong relationships and wouldn't ever need to marry nor date the shy beta white knight because there would be far fewer of them around.

    • aamina_m

      It goes both ways. I wasn't choosing genders in my article. If you're a nice female, guys treat you like shit. If you're a nice guy, girls treat you like shit.

      I once dated a guy cus everyone knew him to be a nice guy... he wasn't so nice anymore when we dated...

    • yes but, obviously, he wasn't a nice guy, so dont label him one. and dont assume all guys treat nice girls like shit. and vise versa, but i'd lean more toward girls tho with treating nice guys bad.

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  • Tony1974

    In order to love another you must be able to love thyself first. You must know what love is... know what you can deal with and know what your deal breakers are. Too many people jump from one relationship tot the next like jockeys on the Pony express. They never get to know themselves and what they need, want and desire from life. Everyone is too busy F@$king to learn anything. Sadly it seems that life is all about instant gratification. I'd rather be alone and happy than miserably in a relationship.

  • BaileyisDarcy

    I feel like I just read something my mum wrote...

    No, that is NOT a good thing.

  • zagor

    "already moved on to the next big thing"... sounds like AADD

  • orphan

    y do people think they've cracked some code when they use exceptions to void generalizations?

  • Gommers

    Holy shit, I've never in my life expected a woman to understand this.


  • feminismisnarcissism

    maybe it's cuz you talk too much lol

  • abundantlyrich

    What a love triangle

  • Thrifty

    Love ya

  • ClassyGuy97

    Cause you focus on yourself

  • Anonymous

    If you love yourself too much you'll end up killing yourself, but we carry on so as not to upset the people who care about us

  • Anonymous

    My dude I'm just like you and I manage relationships just fine.

    Its not relationships.
    Its you.

  • Anonymous

    I may be wrong, but I hear you saying is all relationships are the same, you are some sort of victim of a "flawed" system that has worked out for the majority of the population since the beginning of time, "loving yourself" means making every interaction about you and your feelings and wants and fears and baggage and leaving behind anyone that doesn't do what you want them to, and loving someone else means letting them continue with destructive and toxic behaviors, and you basically posted this so we all could applaud you and your bitterness-fueled "wisdom"?

    Hearts break to grow stronger, not bitter. If you truly want singleness, I applaud you, but its not healthy to be single just because you think every ex-partner singlehandedly ruined your relationships and that anyone else of several billion will also do the exact same thing. by the way, if you expect a crappy relationship, or even if you expect anything at all as if a relationship is just about one person, you will find a crappy relationship. Take responsibility for the position you're in, and consider doing things differently if you want to be in a different place, instead of blaming things on someone or something else.

    Also, there's a BIG difference between being self-loving and just being self-centered. Self-loving people break up with toxic partners and even encourage the partners to get help. It's the self-centered people that stay in toxic relationships because they're too scared to be alone, or some other reason. Loving yourself isn't why people are lonely, it's because they aren't loving other people as well, they think that making sacrifices means they're less important. Making sacrifices for someone you care about doesn't mean you love yourself any less, it just means you know it's not all about you, and that you are not the only one you love. The happiest people in the world are the ones that get this concept, but it takes maturity. I just recommend that whether or not you want to be single-either way is respectable- consider being open minded about things, and not live your life based on fear or hurt.

  • Anonymous

    I can relate to this feeling that I'll likely be alone, for a variety of reasons, and I do notice that the people around me who are constantly in relationships often have serious self-esteem issues and problems in their relationships that may seem jarring to me. The way their husbands treat them, what they put up with in front of their boyfriends, the way their boyfriends treat their friends, possessiveness that they allow to control or guide their actions, etc. (Note most of my friends are women, unless they are gay.) When I offer encouragement to stand up for themselves and assert their right to live and go after what they want, to enjoy life, they tell me that I just don't understand or that it's not that easy. Years go by, the cycle continues.

    It's such a shame that healthy relationships built on trust and a commitment to both partners happiness and goals are so rare to come by. I know they exist, I've seen them, but I find myself having to search my mind to remember their form. Far too few couples seem genuinely healthy, compatible, or admirable for what I would want. But I have seen them, and that gives me some hope. But like you, I can't settle for that. Life is too rich and open with possibilities to be unhappy just to say you have a plus one, or to hold to the memories of "when things were good."

    But I disagree that the mantra to love yourself is BS. It's essential to finding those healthy relationships and finding your path to the kind of life you deserve. A culture of not loving yourself and not valuing healthy relationships is what harms our loved ones and makes life difficult for us, in terms of finding love. If you hadn't learned to love yourself, you probably wouldn't have made the same decisions to remove yourself from toxic situations. So you should never tell people that its bullshit to love themselves, if they want a relationship. Any sane person wouldn't believe that, but if they did, it's a pretty harmful message. More people need to explore themselves instead of just longing for a date. I think they would be better romantic partners because of it.

    Anyway, I haven't been in a real relationship yet, and I'm 26. I always tell people that I may choose to be a single mother in the distant future, if my finances are comfortable and allow for that. I only want one child really, and I know that motherhood is for me. I dont know that marriage will happen, and I wouldn't rush into it just to have someone. It's not ideal, but we will see...

    • aamina_m

      I might choose to be a single mother as well. I'm trying to put myself in a situation where I can.

      I was being kind of sarcastic about that bit where I said it's BS to love yourself. It is definitely a good thing but most people won't put themselves through the work required.

  • Anonymous

    A well writhen and refreshing my take - I could of wrote the words myself. I am exactly the same in attitude in fact a little different in experience.

    Bad childhood, married young, gained weight then I started and learned to love myself, after I got divorced. I lost weight worked on myself mentally and physically, and i like you no one has picked up the pieces, I have. I don't expect a medal but mutual respect goes a long way!

    My last relationship, I was engaged for 3 years, I really tried to make it work but I can't pretend lies and cheating are okay and not hurtful or condone someone who wants all my effort and time sndy not give anything back. Despite this I tried to communicate more but to no avail in the end it was an insult to my intelligence and basic common sense.

    He said I know you love me when we split and true I did, but I also know my worth (I'm not entitied or princessified) & I'm not terrified of losing anyone or being alone, I'm a lot happier not being disrespected in every way and day in what is supposed to be my home, home to me is a happy place where I can be me, and feeling that I'm betraying myself simply by allowing someone to treat me that way. I see putting up with that crappy as a form of self abuse and everytime you allow someone to get away with it you've allowed them to rob/steal a little fragment of you and your self esteem!

    It would be interesting to hear why and indeed how people do put up with it to simply to maintain a relationship.

    • aamina_m

      Ha I am so baffled by my friends and their relationships. It is definitely a form of emotional abuse to allow someone to treat you that way and disrespect you. Good for you for getting out of a relationship you knew was toxic. Most people can't do that.

    • Anonymous

      I know lol it seems strange to me the way some people are unable to walk away from situations that are obviously to their own detriment and even ruin in some cases.
      But hey ho just be glad you've been blessed with the knowledge and strength it takes to know what's right for you!

  • Anonymous

    This is one of the best mytakes on here. For such a long time i have felt that "LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST..." Was real BS. I could never understand what people meant by that. For years i was told that from my parents, friends, the media and so many others that i started focusing only on myself. I worked hard all the way through school, got my university degree and masters then went on to become business owner and i achieved all of that but was still unhappy and SINGLE. Its one of the biggest lies ever that you need to be happy with yourself first before you can love.

    Four years ago a met a girl who was going through depression and initially we started to be each others support (not much sexual attraction). I would call her and comfort her when she was feeling anxious and depressed... we worked together to better ourselves and soon enough we were like husband and wife... taking care of each others flaws in character and strangely a beautiful dependent love grew out of that. So i could never understand why people would say that you have to love yourself first in order to find love. It has always perplexed me.

    I really really loved your mytake... it struck a chord with me. For a long time i believed i would be single but letting my heart go and blindly trusting a girl that was depressed all those years ago was the best decision i ever made and i will marry her soon.

    I know you probably don't want to hear this... but sometimes you just have to let you heart into the open and you never know who might be receptive to you. Yes love hurts... but you have to go through the thorns to eventually get at the rose.

    Beautifully written THANK YOU :)

    • Your mentors were probably all hyprocrisizing themselves. So commonplace they were oblivious to it. Divorce rates through the roof, you don't say? Why are people too proud to roll up their sleeves and help one another? Constantly dating, constantly dating to find the most compatible match that requires least amount of work to maintain. Just seems lazy, but I think it's more people just haven't evolved to spend this much time with one single person. Boredom is the enemy. Used to be a lot harder to survive, now the added leisure time is being filled with other people as opposed to bettering ourselves with other ACTIVITIES.

    • I agree with you. I hate when people say a person must love themselves to find love. What about people suffering from mental illness. Do they not also deserve love? Love is working through things as a team.

    • aamina_m

      Aww, thank you. I actually do love that last paragraph. I DO want to hear about happy relationships. I'm tired of friends and family complaining to me about their failed relationships so it's always refreshing to hear when someone is genuinely happy. :)

      All the best

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  • Anonymous

    Your idea of love doesn't seem very reasonable. If you want to be yourself, find a partner who shares the same idea - find someone who Is a smart, evolved, conscious person. They maybe hard to find, but they're out there. The problem here may be that you are dating people who aren't like you. Maybe you're attracted to the wrong type of person.

    Also, feelings of attraction and "love" come and go. That is the nature of relationships. What holds the partnership together is mental and emotional compatibility, followed by a deep friendship and compassionate love.

    Love is messy. But it's worth it - real love takes work and it's always worth it.

    • Well said in general.

      The only part with which I take issue is the attraction part.
      If you start putting effort into keeping that hot **while it's still hot** -- as opposed to after the flame has already died down, which is the tragic mistake that most people make -- then that kind of deliriously addictive attraction can absolutely last forever.
      Well, 17 years so far, anyway.

      (Oh, yeah, and, stay in shape.)

    • Anonymous

      @redeyemindtricks So true!!