What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship

What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship


This isn’t so much a MyTake as it is an assignment from my therapist. As some of you know simply because you are following me, I have bi-polar disorder. Because I have this disorder, I suffer from severe depression and extreme emotions including long periods of highs and lows. I’m also currently on medical leave from my job as a teacher my condition has worsened severely.

Now, the other thing many of you who follow me also know is that I’ve been in a really turbulent relationship for the past two years. I’ve been with a very tall and handsome guy that doesn’t do shit for me. No dates, no compliments, arguing all the time, accused me of giving him an STD twice, even though I’ve never had one a day in my life and several doctors visits and tests have proved this, he has had several dating profiles, fought me on deleting the profiles when I find them, wants me to take birth control knowing it makes my bi-polar medications less effective, and doesn’t make an effort to see me since I live with my parents. In fact, some of you may recall me asking him for $10 for gas money since I’m not working and he got mad at me. He eventually gave me the money but made it clear that he’s not doing it again. We aren’t together currently, but it’s a relationship that’s always on and off despite how much I really want it to be over for good.

I haven’t made this a secret on this site, really. I also haven’t made anything about myself a secret to my therapist. And over the past few months, my therapist has drawn several conclusions about me, one of which being that I don’t really know what I want in a relationship, which is why she gave me this task. She asked me, before our next session, to create a list of things I’d like to experience in a relationship that I never have before. And I’ve done that. But I thought I’d share it with everyone on here, as well. I’m not really sure what kind of responses I expect. I’m pretty sure that most commenters will give some version of ‘well, this is all your fault’ as that seems to be the trend on this site to anyone who gripes about their relationship issues. But personally I just know that I want someone to hear what I have to say.

And, yes, this all goes beyond the typical looks, job, and stability. I’m talking about how we interact and how he treats me.

Flowers

What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship


This sounds completely stupid, but I’ve always wanted to get flowers from a guy. And I know this isn’t something that really falls under the ‘What do you want in a relationship’ list, but I don’t really know what other list it could be under.

I don’t really know the reason why I want flowers, either. I’ve had 5 boyfriends over the course of my 27 years here on Earth and never received any. And I know a lot of women haven’t. But it’s just something important for me to get once. Each guy I’ve dated has known this, too, by the way. I never flat out said ‘Buy me flowers’ but I’ve mentioned on several occasions I love them and I always wanted to get them from someone. Each guy has responded with ‘Why? They’re just going to die’ or ‘That’s a waste of my money’. I had one guy actually tell me I didn’t do anything to earn flowers. But that guy and I broke up two days later anyway. But it would be something I’d like.

Understanding and supporting of my mental disorder

What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship

I feel having a mental disability has put me far behind in the dating game. It went undiagnosed until I was 22 and since I found out about it, my dating life hasn’t gotten any easier. Usually when a guy hears it, one of two things happen. They run or use it as a weapon. When I get angry, I’ve had a couple guys tell me that they’ll just wait for my ‘moment’ to pass, completely disregarding the fact that they did something to make me upset and that it wasn’t actually the disorder. Or my personal favorite, ‘You’re just saying that as an excuse to act like a bitch’ as if it’s some super power I can magically activate and turn off. I wish. That would make life sooooooooooo much easier.

But even beyond that, I'd like a guy to be there. I get that it's stressful and struggle to deal with it. I have it, after all. But when I'm upset or on a high or depressed, I just want a guy to support me. Listen to what I have to say. Help me sort through my racing thoughts. Don't get mad at me over something I can't control. That's all.

Supporting my interest

What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship


I have a tendency to support my partner a lot, even in ventures I don’t particularly care about. For instance, my ex, the one I talked about in the second paragraph, talks about his job A LOT. I hate it. Hate it. Hate hate hate hate HATE it. But in the moment, it’s not about me. He enjoys his job. He loves what he does and all the free traveling he gets to do. He may even be moving to Las Vegas if he get this promotion he’s being considered for.

I don’t get the same in return, though. I love cake decorating and want to own a bakery. And I’ll admit, you can only talk about cake, buttercream, and fondant for so long before you just start to glaze over. But it’s one of the few activities I think I’m good at and brings joy in my life especially during this medical issue I’m having that’s completely fucking up my career. But he doesn’t like talking about it because he doesn’t eat sugar. I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but it does. And he’s not the only one who doesn’t particularly care. I have like…one friend who supports me in it. And that’s great. But if I get the chance to be with a guy again, I’d like the same support. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t support me yet expects me to support them all the time.

I also really want to publish a novel. I’m writing one, actually. It’s slowly, but surely, coming along. And he’s told me before that I’m a good writer. But that’s kind of it. He doesn’t really have an opinion about the book’s topic or outline. Neither do any of my friends. But all in all, I’d like someone who cared about what I enjoyed doing.

Oh, and the pie is actually cake. And yes, I did that.

Valuing my opinion

What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship

I don’t really know how to elaborate on this one. I don’t feel like my opinion has ever been valued by anyone, especially the guys that show interest in me. I have strong opinions, but I don’t get angry when someone doesn’t agree with me. Sometimes their logic doesn’t make sense and sometimes they say mine doesn’t either, although I typically cite sources to support my views. There are a lot of topics I enjoy talking about: American politics, music, education, philosophy, ethics, religion. history, anime…but usually the guy just wants to be heard and wants me to sit there and listen. I’ve noticed that not only in guys I’ve dated, but guys that are my friends, too. And they don’t just do it to me, but some of the female friends I have, as well. In fact, men in general that I’ve seen have a tendency to be dismissive of opinions, especially if they differ from their own. And this is based on conversations I’ve seen on a variety of social media (as in discussions involving men and women that I personally don’t know but pop up on my newsfeed anyway) and I’ve seen it in my own career, as well.

A willingness to share

What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship


To many of the men I’ve come in contact with are very selfish. They don’t seem too keen on sharing anything, especially any success they have. I always support my partner and trying to lift them up, but when they get it, they hog the success for themselves. For instance, I helped several guys write their resumes and cover letters and even gave them job interview advice which helped them get the job. More than once I’ve been told that there’s no evidence that they got the job specifically because of what I’ve done. I never got a thank you for writing the resumes, either. I’ve pretty much learned to not help a man with anything, especially if they aren’t appreciative of it.

Speaking of appreciation…

What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship

That would be nice to know that my partner appreciates me in some way. And there’s several ways to do this. Some guys do it through gifts, which is fine, I’ve never gotten one, but not getting a thoughtful gift hasn’t bothered me much. My friends get jewelry and stuffed animals from their guys all the time. But personally, I’m more of the type who likes silly notes pinned on the refrigerator or a text in the middle of my work day asking how I was doing or offering to cook dinner that night so I could take a break from it. Or even just saying thank you for doing little things. I do things for my partner because I want to, not because I’m expected to. But a thank you goes a long way. I haven’t been with someone who did something nice just because they could and wanted to make me feel special in some way. But I’d much rather wake up to a small love note in the morning quickly scribbled out on a napkin than a diamond necklace or something.

A compliment…or two…

What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship


I don’t want to be worshipped or anything. But I do pay attention to the way I keep myself. It stems from my childhood and teen years and college. I’ve never been comfortable in a skirt or getting my hair and nails done. I’m not really into make up, either. But I also get that men don’t want to date another guy so I try to look good. It also makes me feel better when I get dolled up somewhat, even though it does make me self conscious. I haven’t been told by a guy I date that I looked good before or that they liked my outfit. I mean, yes, I’ve gotten the ‘you look sexy’ type comments, but that’s usually when I’m not wearing anything but lingerie. It makes me wonder if the guy actually sees ME. Yes, I have DD’s and an hour glass figure. Hurray for me. But I’d rather a guy notice my beauty, not my sex appeal. And the fact that none have tells me that they don’t care.

Respect for my religious beliefs

What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship


I understand that the trend these days is to deny that God exists. And most people have good reason to believe this, such as the fact that I can’t just summon him and he’ll appear before you. But I have a belief that he does exist. And I don’t mind dating someone who doesn’t share that view point. But just like I respect that you don’t believe in God, I’d like the same in return. It’s annoying when guys tell me that my religious beliefs are stupid since they’re pretty important to me. I may not be a fan of ‘church’ necessarily as there’s too much hypocrisy, but I spend a good amount of time each day reflecting on my actions and wondering if I’m truly being a Christian and pleasing God. I don’t say it out loud a lot. But it’s always on my mind. And I wonder what God thinks of me.

If I say anything about God, I don’t want to be told he isn’t real and that what I believe doesn't matter. He is real to me. And to shut me down and dismiss such a large part of my life just isn’t acceptable.

Accepting my dog

What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship


I don’t know why, but this seems to be a huge issue for men. I don’t really understand why guys don’t like dogs. They used to. I have a beagle and I have her to help me cope with my bi-polar disorder. I’ve had a lot of guys tell me I have to get rid of her or I can’t live or be with them because they don’t like my dog or they’re allergic to her. I don’t understand this mostly because I’m always upfront about my dog. She’s not a secret. If a guy asks me to describe myself on a first date, my dog is usually the second or third thing mentioned. But we’ll go on 4 or 5 dates, possibly even get into a relationship, and then all of sudden they have a problem with my dog KNOWING that she means the world to me and that I’m not going to get rid of her. I didn’t know having a pet was such an obstacle these days, but it is, and it’s a turn off to a lot of guys.


Well, that’s all I can think of for now. As an Editor, I have 48 hours to update this Take, so if I think of anything else I want in a guy, I’ll add it. But going back and reading what I wrote, I don’t think I’m asking for too much.

What I'd Like To Experience In A Relationship
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Most Helpful Guy

  • singlebee

    Very nice take!!! I think you should dump your current boyfriend asap... Cause he might be the reason you are depressed...
    He is definitely abusive towards you and you are not getting any love in the relationship..

    You deserve better...

    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girl

  • PrincessPie

    I enjoyed reading that.. i do think everything you want is totally reasonable.. the flower thing i get sometimes with certain guys you do need to ask or they don't seem to just do it of there own back.

    Is this still revelant?
    • Did you make the cupcakes on your profile? i assumed it was a image of google before.. but now i know you like baking i'm assuming maybe you did?

    • Elarra

      Yes that was me 😊

    • Looks professional :)

What Girls & Guys Said

1416
  • evelyn26

    Hello, I hear you. I can totally relate to you. The list you mentioned is perfect. Thats exactly what I want. I want someone that accepts me for who I am (shy, loyal, nice, introvert, intellectual, down to earth, caring/loving good girl l). I want a listener, an understanding person, someone's who's honest, loving/caring, appreciative, good communicator, adventurist (I love traveling or just going to the park.) The flower thing is lovely. I like giving gifts but I don't receive any in return. I would love flowers from someone as well because it's a thing that's been around forever and it's very nice/inexpensive.

    In my 26 years of life I've only dated one guy. I don't trust people and I swore orf guys at a young age (saw and heard bad relationships.) he's bipolar too (drug and alcohol addict too) but not on medication. It has been an odd relationship-if you can call it that. he's 4 years younger than me. It started as f--- buddies. He switched it to a bf/gf thing. He said I was his girlfriend one day, loves me first, baby talk and moving in talk. He never takes me out on dates (he always cancels or doesn't have $. I pay most of the time.) He has only given me one gift in the 2 years together (I've given him more.) Then I found out he has been fooling around (some girl from work.)

    I think your boyfriend is bad for you and it's time to leave him. Be alone for a while. Wait for the right guy to find you. Dont look for him. I gave my guy a second chance but it's not the same. Im emotionally shut down now.

  • Darkspillingsouls73

    I know what you mean, I don't have any disorders really so I can't relate like 100000% but I'm easily depressed and stressed and my boyfriend doesn't do any of that for me. Recently he's been trying more but not when it comes to the more important things. he's so caught up on silly little material things and not on how I actually feel towards anything. Girl just be strong. There are good guys out there that will actually do that shit for you. It's just finding them.

  • browning1996

    It's impossible to find any of that nowadays. Dating in this day and age, is like playing Russian roulette but thats just my opinion. However, there are guys out there that can give you what you want, I just hope you find them without having to go through struggles because men nowadays are so damaged, casual and just all around difficult

  • HOAAH

    I highly recommend people to do this list thing, so that you get what you want when you go out to look for someone. I made a list like this when I was young and have not dated or went out to find the one yet. I can't find my list anymore but it was something like:
    1. doesn't do drugs
    2. not married
    3. no kids
    4. educated
    5. has a job
    6. funny
    7. very smart
    8. Christian
    9. handsome
    10. good with money

  • Blonde401

    I understand quite a few points but most of all the mental health issues one. I have severe depression that I have to treat and deal with daily and I'm sure no guy is ever going to be okay with that. So I've given up with relationships for good pretty much. I could have a list of things I want but they're never going to be fulfilled.

  • luvstoned4him

    Agree 100, you are a great writer and many other things, its definitely their loss. I also love that you are learning and doing thing , not letting your bipolar hold you back.

  • CoolSky01

    you have some interesting list and i do think a lot of these things are good things that people should indeed value, however the world we live in today is really fked up, iam a very laid back person with a normal lifestyle and pretty easy to satisfy really low maintenance dude, and girls say iam very good looking and have good qualities and even for me finding a girl who makes a decent girlfriend is truly hard.

  • piscesbluedreams

    Really lovely!
    I hope you know that these requirements are completely ACHIEVABLE but you got to let someone like this enter your heart.
    You really are asking for so little.. you sound easy to love
    For sure this ex isn't helping your mental health.

    Good luck

  • MarkRet

    I'm married, and out of the whole dating thing, but if I were your age, and had you as a girlfriend, I'd give you flowers, and jewelry too. I'd cherish you.

  • Xfitchick

    A good relation combines those things in a way they don't get a daily routine, but always come as a surprise

  • Loveherbut

    Apperciation is a huge thing for me im in the same position even though girls liked what i did for them they never apperciate totally agree on the importance of this one i think it goes hand in hand with loyalty

  • Wonderer89

    It's great that you've been able to put down what you want in a relationship, and none of those are at all unacheivable or unrealistic.

    I think it's so important to do this. Not only does it give clarity on what you're not/weren't receiving with your ex but it helps set the standard you set for future partners. If they don't already do these and refuse to try even after you bring it up then is it really worth the mental and emotional anguish trying to make a relationship work?

    I hope things get better, and that you're able to stay strong for the things that you do deserve from any partner

  • Enrique342

    I just want respect, silence, loyality and no drama just to be calm and cute and kind that's all i want from her but since this life is a bitch i won't have any 😔😔 only some no good girls that have a one night with anybody and liars

  • Gonetowardthewind

    What guy doesn't want a dog to live with? If anything that would be why I would want to date them even more.

  • mjz00

    Hunny, majority i totally get including mental health issues, the words you write to express your ideals i cannot dispute, for one moment i dare to comedic... you need to date a woman... lol... i dont know how old you are im guessing quite a bit younger than me NO MAN will fix you with these ideals. my advice and im not being patronising here im 46 and still learning, only by completing yourself and being strong enough can you even attempt getting involved with anyone because others will always let you down even in a simple way within a ltr and you have to be strong enough to cope with it... or keep going believing you will find the one who can do his best to match your expectations... i would be interested to read the words of what you would offer to another in return of a ltr xx

  • SarahsSummer

    Those are all the things a successful relationship should have. And I agree with your ex, you are a good writer💟

  • FaithfulGuardian

    Seriously, if a guy doesn't tolerate a dog then that already proves he isn't caring and doesn't deserve your time.

  • Nyx_85

    Great read. Don't listen to any of these jerks that act like these are unreasonable. They aren't.

  • Megalovania1

    Personally, I don't see the point. People will always judge by appearance without knowing the real me. I'm not going to have any special girl in my life.

    Please kill me...

  • Zorax

    Interesting Take, I'd like to experience some of these things too.

  • litty

    If you don't give a little of those yourself, you can't really expect to get it back

    • Nyx_85

      Uh how do you know she doesn't? You are making an assumption.

    • litty

      @Nyx_85 That was a conditional statement. An assumption would be that you are pretending you don't know what that means so you can start fights with strangers on GAG

    • Nyx_85

      You know exactly what your comment looked like. Stop being silly.

    • Show All
  • Browneye57

    It's a good assignment, however wholly unrealistic. You have set yourself for an entire lifetime of disappointment.

    That said, if your guy is a bum then cut him loose. Find someone that you actually respect and like.

    Unfortunately today, there are waaaay too many women like yourself, so I see it more as a breakdown of society and culture and less and individual issue. But whateve's you're likely really serious about all your feelings, so keep going to the therapist. in my opinion you need to be more realistic with your expectations and less all dreamy about what your disney-esk world should look like.

    • Elarra

      You know, almost every time I ask a question or write a Take, especially when it comes to dating and relationships, you never really have anything positive to say. I'm actually asking for basic things. Respect and appreciation isn't a 'disney' dream. I know plenty of men who are the way I describe. My dad is one. So is my brother. My cousins. My friends' boyfriends and husbands.

      I'm sorry you don't feel the need to love your wife. I'm assuming you're married since that's what it says on your profile. But I don't believe my expectations are high. I do believe, however, that you most likely don't meet them which is why you spread negativity all over this site not just under my posts, but others, as well. Please take your misery elsewhere. Maybe to your wife since that seems to be her thing.

    • litty

      @Elarra Hey girl, you'd be saving a lot of money going to the therapist if you take opinions as feedback and not personal.

  • COCOCHANEL

    i feel the exact same way you do about people close to me respecting my spirituality and religion

  • Pegasio

    You ask for too much.

  • MrCrewCut

    How can you not like dogs?

  • Midget_Hug

    I could do this. I have before.

  • cupidkisses

    such a nice list

  • Nahid1234

    Cute

  • NightOwl8801

    I agree with that , nothing wrong with any of it.

  • LastNightmare

    Beautiful honey... really beautiful

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