**Disclaimer: this is written from the point of view of a 20 year old, straight woman, whose goal is to be in a healthy, monogamous relationship with a straight man. This will affect the text but the text can apply to anyone regardless of gender or sexual prefereance. In addition, I did not place importance in correcting spelling errors or providing formal writing. This is all in my own words.**
1) Being on the same page as your partner is important
1) Being on the same page as your partner is important
Something I’ve learned from feeling insecure in my relationship is being on the same page is important and will help you feel more secure. Being on the same page could mean what the relationship between you and your partner is. Is this monogamous? Are we an open relationship? Friends with benefits? Of course, that’s not the only subject to touch up on. People have different definitions of what cheating actually is. Is flirting cheating to you? Or is it just if things get physical? Another subject is what your boundaries in the relationship are. Some people don’t mind if their partner goes into anybody’s house while some might not be okay with their boyfriend visiting their female friends house (or vice versa).
2) Transperancy is important in a relationship
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t believe a partner should hide anything, including their phones. *GASP* “What!? Phones. That’s invasion of privacy!” Before you jump to conclusions, I’m not talking about going through your partners phone without them knowing (though even so that shouldn’t be a problem). Yeah well, hiding things, especially from your partner that you consider being long term is never a good thing. It’s important to let your partner know who you are. “People lose sense of their identity, that’s why they don’t want to share anything .” Telling a person who you are does not make anybody less of themselves. It’s provides trust to the person you are with. Not to mention it’s too easy to cheat and is so common now and days. Evidence actually supports that partners who have looked through their partners phones have actually found they were cheated on. Truth is, if your partner is for life, then why hide details with someone your about to live with in the long run? And what is it that you have to hide? Your feelings? Not to mention, when does secrecy help a relationship?
3) Honesty is also important, even if it’s ugly
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year so far. I’m not the kind of girl who will cheat, ever. I can hate your guts and still never cheat, but I will leave. But of course, I am the cute girl with plenty of guy friends and also never understood boundaries till this relationship. A guy once messaged me and asked to come over, and my boyfriend didn’t have to know. I told him no of course, but I kept messaging him anyways in attempt to just be friends (yes I’m this naive.) Regardless I mentioned it to my boyfriend when it happened and he was extremely pissed at me. I felt shame for not realizing that it wasn’t good for me to message him, but also I felt no regret that I tell him these things. Why? Because I am revealing that I am not hiding anything from him, that I will not do anything to harm intentionally. Because of transperancy and honesty, it’s gotten him to trust me faster than I was able to trust him, since he was less transparent. In addition, in a book called “NOT ‘Just Friends’” it talks about a scenario where a wife, with two kids, gets in touch with her ex boyfriend. She admits to her husband that her ex boyfriend is amazing and her husband calmly pointed out where she might be in a danger zone for their marriage. She then told her ex to no longer contact her. Because she was honest, their bond is strengthened.
4) You can get bad advice from friends,family, or even G@G
I cannot mention how many times I’ve gotten bad advice from people. Or sometimes I get advice that’s a bit outdated. Because today’s dating world is sorta different. Good advice can come too, but it’s important to use your own judgment when it comes to advice. I had a female friend who said having female friends isn’t okay in a relationship. That’s silly, at least in my opinion. I’ve been told I needed help from a counselor, implying **I and only me** had a health issue. As it turns out, what I felt had reason for being there in the first place. Not to mention, in the same book, it shows an example of where bad advice can come from. Even therapists can give bad advice. For example, on page 22, the book talks about how a husband confessed to her wife about having an affair ONCE with ONE other women. The husband would not confess her name for the sake of saving their relationship so the wife decides to ask for advice on what to do. Here’s what she got in response:
“Dear San Diego,
you should stop pressuring him to name the woman and be relieved she is a thing of the past. Most men would identify her in order to get off the hot seat but your husband refuses to do that. He may have some integrity after all. If you find it impossible to get past this, please consider seeking professional help.”
In conclusion, yes ask for advice, but get several perspectives and decide on your own what is most logical.
5) Jelousy/insecurity is not always your fault. Sometimes you have legitimate reason
People often dismiss jealousy as an issue that is your fault. But the truth is, it depends on the situation and sometimes you have reason. If you take a close look, jelous has like three different meanings. The first definition is being envious. The second meaning, is feeling suspicious of your partner. The third meaning is being overprotective of your possessions. So as you can see, jelousy has different meanings. If the situation is that you feel suspicious of your partner, maybe you’re right to feel insecure because he or she is not acting appropriately. Again, some people believe flirting is not cheating. But if you’re not on the same page, and your partner is flirting when you’re not okay with it, yes it will cause suspicion. Or maybe he’s wanting alone time but is in the phone with a “client.” Etc.
there's a fine line in ignoring situations by saying you need to trust your partner and ignoring clear signs of what might be an affair. Not to mention, there have been many situations where a relationship was strong in trust but after nine years, partners had their first infidelity. Trust is important, yes. But something’s stick out like the nose on a persons face. You can be secure and still question your partner. A rephrased quote from Beyoncé.
6) There’s a reason why people say girls and guys cannot be friends
I've mentioned on here before that the idea of my boyfriend having female friends scared the crap out of me. Truth is, there is some truth to it. There are statistics that support the notion that something always gets in the way. Usually it’s men who misinterpret there being more in a friendship, when there really isn’t. In the book I am reading, most affairs happen in work places and the intamacy developed is unintentional. Cheating can occur in happy marriages. There are situations where two coworkers start out as friends. Just friends getting to know each other, and as one begins to spend more time at work with this person and as they share more and more about their lives, the can easily reach a vulnerability stage which opens up an opportunity to be more than just friends. A spouse can easily become emotionally intimate with another spouse from a different marriage. They fall in love with a friend and it was completely unintentional. This is where boundaries come into the relationship so it can help safeguard a marriage or relationship better. Friends are crucial in life, so if the goal is to keep your marriage and your friends, you can do so by keeping those boundaries in place. These boundaries consist of acts such as not talking about the struggles in your relationship with anyone,unless it is a friend of the marriage who has a problem solving mentality towards the relationship. It could mean that when your friend becomes too vulnerable, you should include your spouse in on the information. And there are other things as well.
7) Communicate with your partner
Nothing sucks more than having to suppress stuff from your partner or knowing your partner is not talking about stuff they should talk about. First, talking to your partner about your insecurities or concerns will not only relieve your worries, but it will also strengthen the bond between the two. Having insecurities that do not go away can possibly damage your relationship. Not to mention it can bring someone anxiety. Please just take the easy way and communicate with your partner when in need. A dedicated partner should be able to help you but you also have to help yourself.
I hope this article provided decent advice. If you feel something on here isn’t correct, QUESTION ME! I love a debate. Or just feel free to drop a comment on your thoughts. 😌