Relationships

What I've Learned From My Current Relationship

1. I learned not to flirt with others. He almost renounced our relationship when I mentioned other guys that were interested in me and I realized if you leave every time the grass is greener, you will never commit to anybody long enough to get an engagement, a wedding and a family. Also usually something that looks very good isn't that great, there are hidden flaws that you might not see until it is too late and often times the ones who flirt with you are flirting with other people. Why leave something stable for something uncertain? Also if you play with somebody - be careful - karma doesn't bite you in the butt!

2. I learned that a relationship is about what you can give to the other person and not what the other person can give you. I know married couples who endure the disability or sickness or incompetence of their husbands with grace and care and love and I know others who rejected perfectly good people for selfish reasons and wind up single.

3. I learned you can't bribe people with sex or money or praise or attention - there is no substitute for respect and love and care and a good attitude and a desire to better yourself. I tried giving him things people usually want in a relationship and he refused my offer because he didn't think it was right.

4. I learned that you shouldn't try to change the other person. One of the reasons I became interested in him was because he was very smart and I wanted him to become a doctor so we could buy whatever we wanted if we got married and he saw I was trying to change him and began to withhold his attention from me and he also got angry at me and tried to make me regret my decision. Accept your partner the way that they are and let them change at their own pace.

5. I learned that a date doesn't have to cost money. We both spent hundreds on our dates with each other when we were very limited in our resources and now instead of dining at expensive restaurants - we drink coffee or tea or meet at the university so that we don't have to spend any money on each other other than transportation costs to get to the library.

6. I learned you can never see the other person as clearly as you see yourself so its wrong to give premature advice or prescribe solutions to problems all the time because you might know all the facts. I also see how often he misinterprets what I have to say or how I feel or what my motives are or what I am thinking.

7. I learned that in order to make somebody like you - you have to give them space when they are busy or occupied or emotionally distracted - and showering somebody with too much attention or pestering them with unwanted demands will only make them appreciate you less and like you less than they did before.

8. I learned that being in a relationship isn't a one time decision but a daily choice that you make over and over again. For example - the more people spend on their weddings - they more likely they are to divorce - this is partially because people who spend a lot on their weddings view the marriage as a single choice they made at one point in their lives rather than viewing it as hundreds or thousands of choices they make every single week for the person and because of the other person. To assume somebody is stuck with you or bound to you because of a verbal agreement made a long time ago is a recipe for disaster. You want somebody to like you - you need to give them reasons to like you - a fire burns out if you don't put wood back on the flames.

9. I learned that being smart and using your brain is more important than being attractive and having a nice body. How many beautiful or charming people date attractive people only to get cheated on or used and abused and dumped after having sex? You have to earn and maintain the person's respect, devotion, attention, time and care and you have to show kindness to the other person and use tact, self discipline, wisdom, caution, intelligence and shrewdness to keep things going.

10. I learned you have to constantly grow in your relationship by learning to better yourself and your behaviours for the other person so you can accommodate their interests. I like to talk a lot but what I had to learn is that you have to learn to listen and the more quiet somebody is - the less you should talk around them because if you are too loud - they might feel like they aren't as entitled to hog the conversation as you are. I also learned something similar from other friends - at least 2 or 3 have said the same piece of advice to me but in different ways - that I am far too vocal and need to tone it down and listen more.

11. I learned that you should watch just as much as you listen because people don't always tell you when they are tired or stressed out or hungry or angry at you for asking for too many rides, or annoyed with you, or turned off by something you said. If you don't observe things - you might miss out on an ideal time where you have to apologize or explain yourself because you never knew the other person was upset.

12. I learned that other people have their reasons and they are often far more complicated than the simplistic ideas you conceive of in your mind and you should never assume you know what the other person is up to, what they are thinking or why they behaved the way they did. I also learned that when you try to guess - you will often guess wrong and its better just to have that faith and trust that whoever you talk to is probably going to do you good. There are no guarantees but without faith - you can't do anything at all. Even riding a bus or car or plane takes faith - its impossible to live your life in a pleasant way without taking risks.

13. I learned that while you should try to change for the better in your relationship, you should also be careful not to put too many unexpected twists in the dynamics of your interaction with the other person. For example - when we first started dating - we bonded over common experiences we had in our lives. Later, I, wanting to change him - started acting like I was his mentor or teaching and giving lots of advice - this caused him to avoid me. There were other times where I would act jealous and talk about how I wanted us to be exclusive - but then I would lose interest in being exclusive and want to open up the window of us being free to flirt or see other people again. Don't go back on what you originally sold the person on when they first chose you instead of the other people who wanted to be with. Too many unwanted or unexpected changes - and trust will either disappear be very hard to rebuild.

What I've Learned From My Current Relationship
What I've Learned From My Current Relationship
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