Hi everyone-
I am 27, and today I will tell you the story of my life, and how I have recently come to terms with the clear reason behind why I have been single almost my entire life.
Yes, you heard it right. I have been single almost my entire life. I have only had one boyfriend for 18 months 4 days. I have had many unsuccessful short term romantic involvements between 1 month to 6 months. Yet, nobody except him saw me more than a piece of body to use as a sex object. I was always thinking I am the problem and trying to improve myself in every ways to increase the number of things I bring to the table. Then I started blaming the guys around me. Until now. Yes, until now.
Until the shift went back to my hidden personality disorder that I have been denying, and I had to face and accept it. I have fear of intimacy.
Intimacy is defined as follows by Cambridge Dictionary.
a situation in which you have a close friendship or sexual relationship with someone
It means a person needs to be known, and needs to put effort into knowing someone to bond and create a close relationship with a friend, or a romantic lover, or even with parents. Without it, a person can survive, yet experience many stirring feelings, and disorders ranging from severe depression to anxiety due to the fact that the person is not able to connect with others. Therefore, it is necessary for a person to develop healthy relationships, and live happily.
Without intimacy, a person may experience severe physiological and psychological problems such as depression, anxiety, severe loneliness.
I won't be talking about how a person develops fear of intimacy as it may be due to many reasons such as a detachment syndrome between a parent and an infant, and a major traumatic life event such as rape or experiencing incestuous sexual abuse. I have grown up with two loving parents and did not experience any of these negative issues, and I am not sure where my problem stems from, but I know that I have this problem. So I want to talk about how I came to conclusion and acceptance that I have this problem.
1. I have strong opinions only to push people back
It's not that I am not able to comprehend certain things, or I am very conservative and opinionated. In fact, I am open-minded and able to accept many things. Yet, when I start getting close to someone, I start panicking that the person is going to know a lot about me and end up hurting me. I am scared, and only thing I can do is to push a person back. The easiest way to do for me is to willingly disagree with the person, and argue by stating very strong opinions, and being stubborn instead of compromising. Yes, I do that a lot even if I don't support a certain school of thoughts, I act like I do just to annoy people and so they stop trying to get close to me.
The easiest way for me to stop people getting to know me and getting close to me is to disagree and argue with them through opposing strong opinions to annoy them
2. I have Marilyn Monroe syndrome
Yes, you heard it right. I have Marilyn Monroe syndrome. I am many different things to many different friends, just like Marilyn. Some thought Marilyn was pure dumb bitch, some thought she was secretly intelligent, some thought she doesn't care, some thought she is a reliable great friend. But in the end, who was Marilyn actually? A different color for everyone, a different person to everyone based on their needs, not based on her needs.
I am the same. I am the strong supportive friend. I am the loving helpful big sister. I am the person who doesn't sleep to come at night because someone is sick. I am the bitch because I stand up against a bully. I am secretly the most intelligent woman.
I am many things for many people, but do they actually know me? No. And why am I many things to many different people? Simple reason is
If people do not know real me, I will be less sad when they walk away from me because it is easier to bear with the thought that they did not know actual me than the fact that they did not like actual me
3. I am always the strongest reliable friend
People bond over their troubles and weaknesses, because they need each other for their support system. They don't need someone when they are strong, they don't try to reach out and bond with someone. We simply get close with someone to feel better when we are vulnerable. Yet, I am never the vulnerable one. I am always the strongest listening to others' problems when they need, and giving advice. Nobody asks me if I feel really strong. Deep down I am very weak, feeling terribly lonely, but acting as the strong friend and listening to others is a way for me to deflect the stage light from me to others so people don't get to know real vulnerable me.
acting as the strong friend and listening to others is a way for me to deflect the stage light from me to others.
4. I always act positive
Also, I am always positive, and act positive by constantly using jokes and humor because I am scared that people will leave me and don't wanna be with me when they see me vulnerable, or negative. I am frightened to death that I will be a bore if I don't act I am upbeat.
It's kind of like the same thing what Roger says to Chandler in F.R.I.E.N.D.S Season 1 - Episode 13.
It seems like you're using humor as a way to keep people at a distance
---Roger to Chandler
FRIENDS S1EP13
5. I cannot sit still, I an always busy
I keep myself busy, and I always have packed schedule both in my personal and professional life. My professional life is full of extra projects and deadlines; while my personal life is full of meeting with friends to listen to their problems and help them, because in the end I am the positive and strong one. The only reason I am this busy is actually because when I start doing nothing, I start thinking about myself and I notice my grief over my first and last boyfriend, my shame doing bad things with strong opinions to push people away, my shame to always fall for emotionally unavailable guys and make a fool of myself to please them, my anger towards injustice in life that everybody gets what they want and I work twice or thrice hard to get things they have. I am just busy to avoid any kind of feelings, I basically not only shut people down, but I also shut myself down.
I keep myself busy to avoid negative feelings, or any feelings if possible...
6. I have an idea of the perfect partner
Yes, I do have a list of qualities of a perfect partner. I am aware that it is not realistic to expect my Prince Charming in his white shining armor. However, I do keep that list, and immediately avoid a person if he meets 99 of the requirements, but not the 100th requirement. It's a way for me to avoid people simply because I act like I want a perfect partner.
What happens is that I end up with emotionally unavailable guys who are dependent on me, my strong personality (so-called strong), and positive me. I let them manipulate me, I fulfill everything they need because I am scared to open up to an almost ideal partner and I find it easy to fulfill other people's wishes to make them feel better.
Having an unrealistic long list of qualities in a perfect partner keeps me away from an almost ideal partner because I am scared to open up.
Conclusion
I read a lot about fear of intimacy in the last couple months. It was hard for me to accept, but I finally came to conclusion that I have this problem and the things I stated above are my symptoms. I hope to be able to open up to a guy again, but guys I meet don't have time to bear with me and put some effort in getting to know me. I know I am a difficult person, and it is hard for me to trust, but I am working on it, and trying to let myself go. And I think acceptance is the first step, and so I like to share with the world that I accept that i am intimacy-phobic.
Thanks for reading.
Most Helpful Opinions