Relationships

The Lie of the "Mental Load", or "Because you WANT to be in charge!"

The Lie of the "Mental Load", or "Because you WANT to be in charge!"

Start with https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ Then read the myTake...

This is the DIRECT result of lying to your husbands/partners, ladies. Knock it off! Anyone can tell you that the single most important thing in any relationship is honest communication. So I beg you; stop being dishonest.

Here's how it goes from the male point of view. Two guys are working on a truck. One of them is a mechanic; the other is playing tool rustler. "Hey, Jim; hand me the 3mm box wrench, will ya"?
Sure, Frank!"

As the one in charge, Frank had the option of going around Jim and getting the wrench for himself. But this would have been tedious, and cut Jim out of the process. Instead, he gets Jim to do it, thereby involving Jim in the job, and letting him participate. They are working together, to get the job done. Because Frank is a mechanic, Jim defers to him.

Now, let's look at the scenario proposed by this comic. Does the woman behave like a leader? Does she ask her spouse to lend a hand? No. Instead, she pretends like it's no big deal. Instead of "Lovely! I'll get on that. Honey, can you help our child with his dinner while I fix you both something to eat?" (In-charge Frank asking for the wrench, inviting Jim to be a partner), she instead LIES to both her partner and guest, banishing them from the kitchen. "Have a seat, grab a drink, I'll be right there!" So she took the most difficult path AND didn't let her husband participate. I'm willing to bet money she's kicked him out of the kitchen many, many times before. So he has been conditioned to believe she doesn't WANT his help; that she thinks he's an incompetent buffoon that will only make things harder.

Men don't ASK women to be "the manager"; women insist on it. Your typical bachelor manages his entire life without assistance; cleans, does laundry, cooks for himself, washes the dishes, etc. All to a standard that he's comfortable with. That's the only choice he has, usually. he doesn't live in his mother's house anymore; there IS no woman in charge.

His wife/girlfriend moves in. Suddenly, it's not his home anymore. It's "theirs". She rearranges the kitchen cabinets so they're how SHE wants them. She takes over the laundry, because she certainly doesn't want HIM to wash her clothes. His artwork comes off the walls, and hers goes up. His furniture finds its way to the curb, and hers (or even "theirs", if she decides she wants new), take its place. She starts cleaning and "organizing", first the space, then the calendar, then every aspect of his life outside the job. He goes from being in charge to a mere guest. Not because HE wants it, but because SHE insists on it. She "manages" him, and he lets her, because that's what they've both been taught is correct. She takes away every aspect of his life, relegating him to "just a typical husband", that she then complains about to her friends.

Let's look at some of the other issues, in this light. The Table. She gets distracted from clearing the table by a towel. Then the laundry. Then putting away the groceries. Then the shopping list. A guy, instead, finishes what he starts. "Clear the table; right" He gathers everything on the table and puts it where it belongs. One job, start to finish. Then, and only then, he does the laundry. From picking up every stray bit of clothing etc. in the place to folding and putting it away. One job. There ARE no vegetables on the dryer, because to him, putting the vegetables away is part of the "shopping" task, and he's already done that job, from inventorying the fridge and pantry, making the list, buying everything on it, and stowing it all away. One task. He does one thing at a time, focusing ONLY on that one thing, from start to finish.

So, why does she find a towel on the floor, and no mustard in the fridge, and vegetables rotting on the counter? Because in the past, she has taken over these things. So they'll be done the way SHE wants them done.He defers to her preferences, because he thinks that is what she wants.

Baby bottle. Let's look at what she asked for. Remember, guys do ONE thing at a time. If you, as the wife, define that one thing, that's what gets done. What does she ask? "Can you get the baby's bottle out of the dishwasher when it's done?" Yes, of course he can. Just as Jim can fetch the wrench. Jim knows that Frank will ask for more if that's what he wants. If Frank actually wants Jim to help loosen a bolt by holding the nut still while he turns it, that's what he asks for. Frank, being in charge, defines the scope.

But what does she get mad about? That he did what she asked. Why didn't she define the task as "Hon? Can you empty the dishwasher when it's done?" Frank would have. Hell, Frank would have said, "You're in charge of doing the dishes; have at!" And Jim would have rinsed, scraped, put them in the dishwasher, started it, and when the cycle was done, emptied the whole thing and put everything away. Because that was the "one task". Guys do one task at a time.

Here's the quote from the article "what our partners are really saying, when they ask us to tell them what needs to be done, is that they refuse to take on their share of the mental load." Utter rubbish. What men are ACTUALLY saying is "I trust you to be adult enough to ask for my help. Since I know you have your own preferences, I'll defer to you. I trust you to correctly identify the scope of task (just as Jim trusted Frank to define the scope of assistance), so that you'll feel like you're making a contribution, and I'm not stepping on your toes."

So, ladies, please; I beg you. Don't "manage" your partner. Don't cut him out of his own life. don't treat him like a buffoon. And for God's sake, if you don't want to be the one in charge, stop taking over! If you're feeling overwhelmed, if you think your partner isn't doing his fair share, communicate. And do it openly and honestly. Sure, it's tough to get started, if you're already trained him NOT to participate. But once you let him back in his own life, and stop lying to him about how much you REALLY want help, you'll see how easy it can be.

The Lie of the "Mental Load", or "Because you WANT to be in charge!"
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