Relationships

How I Look at LDR as a Relationship Building Luxury

I have understood that the general feel here is that LDR's don't work. Some are confused over them or see distance as an end to an existing relationship that, for some reason, has to become long-distant for a period of time. Some see no future in new relationships if distance is already there. Others, like me, find it relationship building and safe. It's a luxury of sorts. And even if they don't always last forever (just like "normal" relationships), distance is rarely the reason for failed LDR's.

Trust is.

Loyalty is.

How I Look at LDR as a Relationship Building Luxury

This is my long take on it; somewhat philosophical and romantic and it may seem that way is too rosy but it's hard work, a willingness TO work for it, and a love that glues it together.

As a people lover, with a great personal need for touch and closeness, LDR's actually work perfectly for me despite my needs. Online communities melt into my real life and make the world so much smaller, and I've been online since 1995. I've traveled all over the world to meet people. Gotten life long amazing friends, finding new ways to interact with people, broaden my view. Distance to me means nothing, if what we have or what I look for, means everything.

I met my first husband in England. He was in the US Army, stationed in Germany. I was a Swedish nurse, working a short while outside of Oxford, England, before going back to Sweden. Did you note "first husband"?

"So it didn't work out, right?", you may say with a grin.

No. It didn't, but our relationship's demise wasn't distance.

Our LDR lasted 5 years (1999-2004) and not even once was the distance an issue. Being a military wife, you don't have the luxury of always seeing your husband. You DO have the luxury of building your relationship stronger IN distance. And we were close, him and I. Talked daily when we could, met up as often as we could. As a military wife you work on the connection while he works to keep everyone safe. In the end of his trip, he got injured really badly. Our marriage ended when he lost his position, having an incredibly hard time being discharged. He was a "Lifer". He loved the Army. Losing the brotherhood, the sense of doing his duty; losing his mind in his sleep, his safety, his dreams and his place in this world.. We couldn't survive it, together. He refused me the ability to help him through it. Distance during this time was easier for him, and as he said: Safer for me.

Just a short while before us actually living our life in the same house together State-side, having no distance at all; at the brink of everyday closeness, we lost our marriage. I still feel fortunate in all ways possible for the love I got to experience with a fantastic man, during that part of my life. A man I would never have met, had I not been willing to try and work for it.

How I Look at LDR as a Relationship Building Luxury

If you are on your way into a Long-Distance Relationship, remember to show up with your Naked True Self. Anything else isn't good enough.

It requires Intimacy, Honesty and Clear Communication on multiple levels.

Getting to know someone in distance, whether it has towns or states in between you two, or even Countries as it were for me, it will bring new perspectives and nuances on already known concepts. It will push for other dimensions of emotional interaction because you cannot always touch each other and be close physically. It will push intuition, trust and clarity; and collide the individuals into unknown areas - because you have to seek other means to be close.

The luxury is priceless; You get to know someone in other intimate ways. It will force you to keep it alive by using all techniques available. Skype, Discord, Face-time. Pictures, videos, messages, letters and clear communication. This is nothing like every day small talk, although that is also important. You have to learn to communicate with details; learn to express yourself fully. Some people find communication to be easier - others find it to be harder. Whatever kind of person you are, to survive a LDR and to make it work, you have to be honest. Trust will be your most important foundation. Communication here is key.

How I Look at LDR as a Relationship Building Luxury

Filter what matters and be Present.

In a LDR you get the opportunity to really connect without having small things getting in your way. Don't invite drama where there is no space for it and a LDR doesn't have the room nor the need - it can be tough enough emotionally from time to time so you will have to filter what matters, daily. That also means that you will be forced to deal with things yourself in order to solve or fix them when your partner isn't around. Reward here? Independence.

Having said that, filters force you to actively choose the relationship. I want to tell you now, that choice is far more personal and rewarding when you're stripping it off of "shit that don't matter".

While that is happening, your long-distance relationship can never be allowed to become dormant. Presence is in this case paramount. By that I mean: You don't have to be present physically; but when you communicate, your mind needs to be in the conversation. Set aside time for it. Prioritize it. If something comes up, and you can't make it; notify your partner. Don't leave them hanging. Life happens and that is ok, but when it doesn't follow your plans; discuss and reschedule.

How I Look at LDR as a Relationship Building Luxury

It requires will-power and bravery; vulnerability and courage.

Your LDR cannot be a roller coaster from one day to another. You have to be sure that you want it, make an honest effort to bring to the table what you can. Work out any quarrel, stress, conflict, or doubt when it arises.

Yo-yo relationships are frustrating normally, and will break you faster in a LDR. So will jealousy. Don't jump the gun and accuse or assume something that your fears put together in your mind. You can't afford it. Deal with those things together openly. Continue to work at it when you don't talk. LDR is not a relationship that has the capacity to survive if you start building mountains and walls and base them on lies or doubts. It's a journey through self realization and mutual trust.

I found that I focus on areas of communication that sometimes are disregarded when not in distance. I learnt so much by loving from afar. I make sure that what I say is what I mean, and that it is understood much more in detail than I would if I sit across from them. I don't have the body language to help determine the feel unless we're face-timing. Tone of voice is important. Awareness of all these things is required. Laughing is needed; exploring limits and excitement is important. You will learn as you go and you fill find new ways to love your partner until you meet up next time. Creativity will be a cornerstone to success.

Instant gratification is not going to happen so it will weigh sometimes, when time zones don't match and you want to talk and the other person is sleeping or working. I get it. It's rough.

However, it will force you to know about self care and actually trust your own judgement. It will temper you, sometimes keep you on your toes and it will require you to put in effort to keep it alive. Both of you.

In a LDR there cannot ever just be one side working for it. It's a canvas that both work on consistently. It sounds like hard work but really.. It's a flowing sensation that builds itself up if both are willing.

The luxury is reaching an almost unimaginable world of deep satisfaction and growth. You will learn about yourself more rapidly than had you been closer. Maybe that wasn't a goal when you entered LDR life, but it will be what you will learn. The mirror will be constant; much more demanding in a LDR, but also that much more rewarding. You will have a multifaceted experience of love to take from it. As if you fall deeper in love having your eyes closed.

How I Look at LDR as a Relationship Building Luxury

Plan ahead by wanting it.

You have to force yourself to interact beyond physical means. In turn, it makes the physical meet-ups more intense when they happen (My God!). Of course, LDR's are perfect in the start of a relationship and even several years in, but it needs to reach stages like any other relationship. Staying in a long-distance may not be optimal. The goal has to be, to one day actually be physically together. You might not know HOW that is going to happen, you just have to WANT it to happen, and it can be done. Meeting friends and family of the partner is equally important in the LDR scenery. So is the feeling of belonging.

Love doesn't care about whether or not you're ready.

It cares about whether or not you're willing. ~ Skye Cebhfhionn

The luxury of having a LDR as a relationship building experience is the mere fact that you will focus on understanding the needs of your self and your partner. Understand and anticipate your partners changing needs in distance so you both can grow. That is a capacity worth millions. In order to be able to do this, you have to reach a communication level that sometimes seems as if it resides out in the periphery of the intangible. It's fun, enticing and exciting. It's laughter and tears and clarity. It's Life, just as real as any other relationship, and just as valid.

I have never, in any other relationship, found a deeper connection to somebody, than to a person where parts of our relationship has been LDR. It just demands a loyalty that may otherwise be overlooked. I wouldn't want it any different.

So if you're here and about to jump ahead, I can do nothing else by cheering you on. <3 I have never regretted the LDR experiences. They enriched, and are continuously enriching, my life tremendously and will for you too, however they end up.

<3

How I Look at LDR as a Relationship Building Luxury
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