Why I Wouldn't Let a girlfriend Look Through My Phone

[EpicDweeb]

"A Good Boyfriend Let's You Look Through His Phone Since He Has Nothing To Hide...."

I've heard people say this sort of thing before and I totally understand the reasoning behind it. The things guys hide when they're cheating are disgusting, I can totally admit that. I know there are plenty of guys who keep their phones locked out of paranoia that someone is going to see that they've not been faithful to their partner or have been just plain doing stuff that makes them... shall we say less than worthy of respect. However... I think there are very valid reasons for wanting to keep what's on your phone to yourself. Your privacy is your own, and it isn't owed to anyone else.

Reasons I don't like people (even my gf) invading my privacy.

1. It's not just MY privacy

For a long time I had a lot of friends who would come to me for advice or when they were struggling with serious issues. I've ended up in calls with people at 3:00am because they were having an anxiety attack and desperately needed to talk and I've seen the effect it's had on my friends. They've trusted me with their secrets and I've watched them fight their demons. They've trusted me and have been vulnerable with me to a greater extent than I deserve. On the other hand, many of them don't know my family, if/when I get a girlfriend, there's no reason to assume that they'll be mutual friends. I'm the one who has been entrusted with my friend's secrets... not my family or any of my other friends. A conversation must always be between two or more parties. I know I've got nothing to hide on my phone... the same isn't true of the people I text. If my sister or girlfriend looked through my phone messages that's not just disrespecting my privacy, that's disrespecting the privacy of my friends as well.

2. To Avoid Miscommunication

There have been times when I've been labeled a flirt. I compliment people a fair amount and I make an effort to be just a generally nice person. I grew up with 5 sisters and we didn't hate each other so somewhere along the line it got to where I just had mostly friends who were girls and got along better with girls than with guys. Most of the people I actively talk to on my phone are girls. Just as general habits of conversation, I compliment people a lot. I've had enough friends deal with anxiety and depression that I try to give encouragement wherever I can. This is also the reason I will casually say "I love you <3" to a lot of my close friends whether guys or girls. Letting someone know you care sometimes makes a world of difference for people. The thing is, without the context of knowing the kind of friends I have it would probably look to some people like I flirt with a lot of girls and am kind of a player. If the person experiencing those conversations out of context happened to be my girlfriend that could result in a lot of bad stuff, primarily her thinking that I've been cheating on her and from there a lot of bad things could happen. On the one hand my girlfriend might simply keep silent resulting in a lot of tension in my relationship with her and/or severely damaging it. Alternatively she could delete a text from a friend who then thinks I'm an asshole for not responding to them which would suck because I have a lot of friends dealing with sensitive issues and ignoring them wouldn't even be the last thing I'd want to do (it's nowhere on the list of things I'd ever want to do). Perhaps worse my girlfriend could respond to a text from a friend of mine and do or say something to severely upset one of my friends... if I haven't made it clear already, I have friends who actively deal with anxiety and depression so having my girlfriend rant at one of them... to say the least... isn't healthy for them.

Closing thoughts

So... basically... I can imagine a lot of things going wrong with people looking at my phone. I struggle with anxiety in some regards myself, though it's not at all clinical; I worry about a lot of things. It makes me very uncomfortable to ave people looking at my phone especially if I'm not monitoring the things they look at or am not in a position to explain to them anything weird they might see. For another thing, any friends of mine without series mental health issues tend to be those awesome mildly insane but terrifyingly loyal types who have reaaaally weird interests and send me really weird/occasionally creepy memes so... yeah I can foresee a lot going wrong with people just casually looking through my phone. I'm a loyal person. I don't have anything to hide... though I have plenty that I might feel needs an explanation.

P.S.
For anyone worried about looking like a bad partner for not letting your SO see your phone.. THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS TO YOUR PHONE. Your privacy remains your privacy whether or not you are in a relationship. You have every right to reveal your secrets to your significant other, but you are never under an obligation to do so unless the secret directly involves something that could be harmful to them. Point being, no one should feel guilty for wanting privacy. Sometimes the things we want to keep private are things for which we should feel guilty, but that is besides the point.

For those pissed off that their partner won't let them look at their phone... AGAIN... they are under no obligation to tell you any secrets they may have, they are not obligated to give up their privacy for your sake. They are still their own person and they still have private interactions with friends who only trust them and who do not trust you... thus you have no right to their privacy or the privacy of others with whom they share interactions. If they want to share private things with you that's awesome, congrats for earning their complete trust. The point remains... both parties have every right to reveal their own secrets, but neither is under any obligation as the result of a relationship to do so!

P.P.S. Thanks for reading. If you think I'm wrong for my thoughts, feel free to tell me why. If you found any part of this helpful please let me know and feel free to share whatever thoughts you may have on the subject.

[cherryphi82]

I saw absolutely nothing wrong with your take until you mentioned that most of those friends were girls who were discussing sensitive if not intimate issues. Emotional intimacy is the start of any relationship. If you're emotionally that close to many other women, how do you draw the line of difference between them and a girlfriend. I generally don't trust men who have many female friends. That is usually the sign of a player. And saying I love you casually to an opposite sex friend... yeah, not only does it cheapen the meaning but it's simply confusing.
You sound like a complete cad, in my opinion. That said, I still think you have every right to your privacy. I just think any SO of yours should be fully aware of everything you've written here before entering into a relationship. If they are fine with it, more power to them. I wouldn't be surprised if most wouldn't. I'd also expect you'd let any SO keep the same lifestyle, i. e. lots of guy friends they're close to, talks about serious issues, late night calls, I love you's, and no access to their phone. Fairness on all points.

[EpicDweeb]

Have you ever had a friend call you at 3 in the morning because they were having a panic attack and needed to talk to someone and you were the one person they knew wouldn't hang up them? When you spend 3 hours in a video chat with a friend and they have an anxiety attack in the middle of the conversation and beg you "I know you're probably going to leave but please don't go," do you think 1... that it's inappropriate of me as a friend to do all in my power, even if that just means sitting in bed keeping my computer on so that my friend knows I'm there for her? 2. That it's a bad thing to tell someone who is constantly doubting that it's even worth still being alive "I love you," just to let them know someone still cares about them? I make it very clear what I mean when I say I love you. I know it can get confused and I don't want that. People don't love each other any more and it sucks so I try and make myself an exception.

[EpicDweeb]

You may think whatever you want of me. You're not the woman I have any intention of marrying or anything along those lines. As I think I've said before... I complement people because I want to encourage others as a sincere person and for that reason people see me as a flirt. Clearly you are no exception. I don't know your motive for believing me to be a flirt or worse a cad, but I'm sure you must have a very good reason for thinking that. Even so... do not assume I've acted poorly until you've walked a mile in my shoes. Until you have a friend or relative, someone you're close to, that comes to you when they need someone, anyone, to listen... don't assume you know my motives. Until your heart breaks hearing your best friend agreeing with the voices in her head that she's a worthless piece of shit as a bargaining point for them to shut up" don't tell me I'm a cad or cur for going out of my way to love a person.

[EpicDweeb]

And for the record, if my girlfriend did have guy friends dealing with similar issues I'd be okay with her trying to help them and I would do what I could to help as well. I get the impression your last statement was meant to show me up as "you wouldn't want your girl doing that so there's no reason for you to do so." On the contrary... I want the girl I marry to have a heart for others be they men, women, or whatever else they may think themselves. I want her to be the sort of person who reaches out to others to help however she can.

[cherryphi82]

You take offense that I criticized you. Fair enough. Just don't tell me what experiences I have or have not had. I'm a counselor by profession and a crisis manager. I've seen it all. What you're doing sounds noble, but there is way, way too much room to blur lines. I have no idea why you would have to mention anything about marriage or eligibility. I'm 17 years your senior. I call 'em how I see 'em. And one thing I know is that outcome > intention.

[EpicDweeb]

My point is that you're not the one who's being bothered matters. Whatever you may think of me I strive to act honorably and to do what's best for others however I'm able. I do not set myself up as a false hope to be dashed. I don't lead girls on, most of my friends have SOs anyway. In the end my point is that you aren't me. You may judge my actions from a certain perspective but you know neither my intentions (beyond what I've told you) nor the results of my actions. To assume such seems arrogant at best. I know that you're calling it how you see it and honestly I'm not offended by that. I'm not even offended by you believing me a cad. The only thing that bothers me is that you would, without any real knowledge of events assume my intentions. I get the impression you've formed an idea in your head regarding me through which you filter and interpret me actions based on your past experience with other guys which, while it makes sense, I do find mildly insulting.

[cherryphi82]

You're no different than any other guy I've ever met with mostly female friends. I read your Take, I agreed with you on your central tenet, but stand by my point. If you don't want to be seen a certain way, don't engage in those behaviors.

[EpicDweeb]

Oh that's honestly good clarification and both manages to be more and less insulting than your previous statements since you seem to be looking out for me but... I don't care how people see me. I hope I didn't miscommunicate that at any point. I'm well aware of the things people may assume about me from my behavior. I want my future girlfriend to know the truth about me, but beyond that, the opinions of others don't matter.

I care about the people with whom I interact. I care about how my actions affect them and how my lack of action can affect them as well. It's because of that I will always give compliments when and where it seems appropriate. I will give encouragement where it seems needed and I will always try to show that I care when someone needs me to be there for them. Your opinion of me doesn't define me. Maybe I am like every other guy you know with lots of female friends. Maybe I'm not. You seem to have already closed yourself off to knowing one way or the other.

[cherryphi82]

Yet look at how you keep qualifying yourself to me...

[EpicDweeb]

Consider it a matter of dignity. Plus I have an excruciatingly horrible habit of stirring up debate as I enjoy winning intellectual battles far too much. In a way I've quite enjoyed trading mental blows with you. You remind me a lot of my youngest sister. Snarky, sarcastic, and clever... but you lack the temperance of good will instead having what feels like a bitter personality that others find harsh. Speaking what you believe to be true without hesitation and a balance of kindness. The best way I could put it would be a brutal sincerity lacking balance. For the record I'm really not offended just... try and give guys some credit that they're genuinely trying to do the right thing. They may be few and far between, but eventually I think you may find someone you really can trust who has a heart for others that's tempered with wisdom.

[cherryphi82]

I've been married to my sweetheart of 16 years. I speak my mind and I don't sugarcoat things. If that comes across as harsh, then that's your own problem.

[cherryphi82]

Thanks for MHO

[BrittBratt2416]

My thing is, if you have nothing to hide, then why freak out even if your partner asks to see your phone.

Yes being un trusted hurts, but if you react negatively to it, then it's going to make those trust issues even worse and make that person assume you do have something to hide. Once they see you have nothing to hide, they'll feel foolish and start thinking to themselves they need to lean how to trust again. If my boyfriend asks me to see his phone, i would like okay here.

Why? cause i have nothing hide, plus he knows i don't socialize with anyone else but him so he can look through it all day. But i get, trust is a big thing in a relationship, but if you're going to knowingly date someone with trust issues and they have told you, then you have to be willing to work through it and show that person you are loyal to them instead just letting that person figure it out on there on. Otherwise, if not working or you just don't want to deal with that, then don't date those with trust issues.

[EpicDweeb]

I totally get that and I agree with much of what you're saying. Part of it is, I want my girlfriend to know the kind of person I am and the sort of relationship I have with my friends before allowing her to simply look through my phone. It's not just my trust that needs to be earned by looking through my phone it's her trust that SHE must earn before she is allowed to. She's got to understand just what sort of person I am. Looking at a person's phone without the context of what sort of person they are can lead to a lot of misinterpretation. If she's not willing to be open and honest about things that concern her for risk of losing me (and I have known girls like that) I either need to be there looking over her shoulder while she sees my phone to give her context for what she sees, or she needs to know well enough the sort of person I am that she won't jump to negative conclusions if she sees something off putting. Ideally by the time she knows me that well she already trusts me completely.

[ImSoSquishy]

i agree with the first one the most and these days with fingerprint ID, they can literally just wait for you to be asleep at night or taking a nap, and just simply unlock your phone using your finger. when i we wake up, they pretend like nothing ever happened. a lot of times, i feel it's very unfair. most girls feel like they're entitled for a lot of things, especially to invade their bf's privacy, open their mails, read their emails, text, call logs, and even bank statements, they will question you about your purchases and transactions on your personal debit/credit card, too. like if you always go to starbucks but you decided to go to dunkin donuts for just once, they will question you about it like a prosecutor at court. but if the boyfriend demands to look through their phone just to be fair, they will start making a huge drama out of it, then get mad, and angry at you, accusing you of not trusting them just so you won't invade their privacy, and it's like what about us? where's our trust from you? lmao

[ScaryCool]

I definitely understand where you're coming from, but for me I wouldn't think it's a deal breaker if my girlfriend was looking for a little reassurance. I get it. Sometimes our insecurities get the best of us. Obviously if she's asking to see it all the time that'd be an issue, but if she simply ASKED me if she could see my phone once in a long while I'd give it to her, let her see nothing to hide and then it's over as she realizes she was being foolish. I wouldn't even get mad about it. I'd probably ask her why she felt that way though.
Same goes for me. I won't say I've never asked before because I have.

[EpicDweeb]

I feel you there, and don't get me wrong, I probably would let my girlfriend look at my phone if she was uncomfortable with something but I wouldn't want her just casually looking through it you know? But yeah, I understand the insecurity, I just hope I could be the kind of person that doesn't add to the insecurity if that makes sense.

[ScaryCool]

Yeah definitely. Everything in moderation haha.

[ShesAmerican]

I understand what you mean. I personally don’t like people snooping through my belongings, as I believe that being possessive isn’t a good thing when it comes to relationships. Girls can be very insecure. They’ve always been told that guys cheat, they’re not fair, etc. so it gets them paranoid and feel doubtful so they ask their partner if they could see their phone. I think it’s okay if a guy were to seem sneaky and suspicious (like going out every often, hanging with a lot of women, stuff like that) that to me seems tolerable and makes sense

[ShesAmerican]

only if-

[ShesAmerican]

And tbh, you can’t really blame a girl for feeling that way. Especially when you have a lot of female friends and if she knew that and assumed that you’re a player, she can’t help feeling like that really

[EpicDweeb]

That's fair. I just hope I can consistently show myself to be the sort of person around whom she never feels insecure. I want her to know that she's my one and only no matter what.

[ShesAmerican]

You do that by proving. You can’t really just say that you’re never gonna leave her and won’t do anything bad or whatever without showing some sort of proof. So if she’s ever insecure or doubtful, understand that and try letting her use your phone if she really wants to

[ShesAmerican]

Like wouldn’t it be weird if you told her “I’m your one and only and I never done anything bad behind your back so trust me” and she wants some sort of evidence so she asks for your phone and you say no? that would obviously make her feel that you’re hiding something

[EpicDweeb]

I have no reason to nor have I ever done that, and yes it would be weird. I just want to be the sort of person my future girlfriend can clearly see as reliable and loving and trustworthy.

[ShesAmerican]

Well if she wants to see proof like your phone or whatever and you decline and starts disbelieving you, then that’s on you I guess. Most relationships are like that. When in a relationship you should expect that to happen, partners just need reassurance. If you’re against it then I guess relationships aren’t really for you (unless you find a partner that has no trust issues)

[ShesAmerican]

I can guarantee that if your SO were to have lots of male friends and stuff you wouldn’t like it and would want to see her phone. I think it would be better if you told the girl about everything you’ve just said here before entering a relationship with you and have the same lifestyle as you do

[EpicDweeb]

I was in a LDR for almost two friends. Both of us were the types who got along better with the opposite gender than our own. I never had any problems with it. I trusted her, she trusted me. I guess both of us were Christians so that does affect perspectives a bit.

[ShesAmerican]

That’s different. You both are friends, not couples. I can guarantee that if you were a couple it would be a different story

[ShesAmerican]

Religion doesn’t affect anything. You’re friends, if you were in a relationship it would probably be different thing

[EpicDweeb]

We WERE in a relationship that's the point. The thing is, there's a certain security for me in having a parter who is Christian because I know what it means to be a Christian.

[ShesAmerican]

I don’t get how being a Christian is relevant but ok. Then that case, find someone who has the same lifestyle as you and no trust issues?

[EpicDweeb]

To some extent. The thing is, being a Christian, especially one who actually believes and is willing to act on their beliefs means that cheating is seen as a much worse thing, lying and dishonesty are seen as much worse than most other people would give them credit for. It's not about lifestyle. It's about the fundementals of what we believe to be true. That's why I I don't usually have trust issues if my partner is a Christian.

[ShesAmerican]

Oh I get it now. Well i don’t think all Christians 100% follow all the rules. Unless you settle with a strong Christian then I guess you’re ok

[EpicDweeb]

Right, and I'm not trying to say Christians are perfect. I know I'm not. Simply that, the things Christians value and the way they act is influenced strongly by their beliefs, ideals of truth, love, and loyalty are all things that ought to be a given as a strong Christian. I've been thankful that my first girlfriend was a very strong Christian and even after our breakup we're still on very good terms with each other.

[ShesAmerican]

that’s good

[dragonfly6516]

Letting your SO look isn't the issue, it's them feeling the need to, in the first place. If you're giving them a reason to be suspicious, you're only going to make them feel justified when you deny them.
That being said, I'd break up with them immediately after showing them, on the grounds that relationships cannot work without trust and communication.

[EpicDweeb]

The problem I've seen is people will often date a person soon after they meet them. They get into a relationship while still in the "getting to know each other" process and I've noticed there are many people who see the whole looking through the person's phone as simply a means of earning trust. It's some sort of given that to show yourself trust-worthy you ought to let your partner look through your phone, while I'm of the perspective it's the other way around. Looking through my phone is something you get to do only after earning my complete trust.

[dragonfly6516]

I agree with all of this.

[Heythere2013]

I trust my partner enough where I don't need access to his phone and he doesn't access to mine. I dated a guy who didn't trust me, he wanted access to my phone for reassurance. I would feel extremely violated and I know that he would have found something innocent and freaked out. That was out of the question for me. I'm not used to sharing my phone nor do I have any experience w/looking through my partner's phone

[EpicDweeb]

That's the sort of relationship I want. I want to trust my partner to the point I feel no need to see the phone and vice versa. I think that's as it should be.

[Heythere2013]

Snooping through someone's phone isn't going to make a better relationship. If they want to cheat, they will cheat.

[Anonymous]

Trust can also be to know each others code for the phone.
My boyfriend and I both know each others code and have free access not only to the phones but computers as well and we dont have a need to look none of us.
My boyfriend also lent me his phone where he kept mine so I could play pokémon go. I like that kind a trust we have in each other and I think it helps the trust and why we don't need to look it though.

[Warmapplecrumble]

This post is reason for high divorce rate.

For a relationship to work there should be 100 percent transparency and no privacy.

There should be no ego.

Compromise should occur on regular basis.

Friends should never ever ever come first. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Too many opinions lead to wrong decisions.
Friends aren't decent in modern century. It's very hard to find a genuine person that means no harm.

Lol I don't care for downvotes :-p

[EpicDweeb]

It may be hard to find those sorta of people as friends but I have. Also... until the point of marriage, my transparency must come first with her earning my trust. It's not a one way street. Again... it's not just MY privacy that's at stake. If I don't trust her completely she doesn't get to see my phone. If I do, she does.

[EpicDweeb]

Though, honestly I think I know why the divorce rate is high, and it has nothing to do with this. A majority of relationships now a days are made up of people looking for "the spark." Follow your heart and true love's kiss have become such a common frame of mind for people. If they feel in love they're willing to drop everything for it. The problem is that being in love is a psychological condition. It's based in hormones and causes people to stop thinking logically. It lasts approx 18 months tops... In other words... say you have a couple ho falls in love and decides to get married because of it... probably takes them 3-6 months to plan and do the wedding... now they have at or just over a year left of the being in love hormomes. And like clockwork... most troubles that lead to divorce start right at the one year mark. People fall in love and base decisions off of hormones. That's at least a large reason for high divorce rates.

[Unit1]

Exactly.
You don't have to tear yourself down to please others.

Besides my smartphone has links and items to which only i should have access to: My bank, my work stuff, my email accounts and just private information in general.

Certain things are more important than certain..."relationships". I call them fraudsters or scammers or degenerates - dependent on the person, that is abusive.

One thing is for sure: Never date a female, who seeks such control.

[Guanfei]

It's simple, my phone is my property, and what I have on it is mine, and mine only.
And FBI too since they like to spy on everyone. Yeah, you thought I didn't know, Bob, but I do!

Everyone has the right to have some privacy, and as long as I don't cheat on her or hide something wrong, she has no business with my phone.

[BOUNTYGUY9]

dcse in france not fbl we know all of whats in your phone love those pictures

[Prof_Don]

The first point makes a lot of sense. Confidentiality is something that I take very serious with my friends and family.

It doesn't make sense to jeopardize that due to my partner's unwarranted insecurity.

[Prof_Don]

Also, everyone in a relationship needs some personal space. The phone is exactly that for someone; their personal space.

Invading someone's personal space unnecessarily can make someone feel smothered and uncomfortable.

[CubsterShura]

I agree I wouldn't let my partner see my phone either and I also say that there could be other people's private stuff in it. At most he would be able to see everything PARTIALLY. But not completely.

[Anon-ymous1]

Uh you didn't let her because it's not her fucking business. Does she expect to look through your private diary too, if you had one?

[EpicDweeb]

I feel like girls treat looking through your phone as a given that we are supposed to do to earn their trust without acknowledging that they should first and foremost earn OUR trust before we ever let them see something that private.

[Anon-ymous1]

Any girl, or any person, that truly believes that is stupid and insane. That's not trust-- that's false trust. Next.

[Kabluie]

I just prefer not to look at anyone's phone, nor anyone look at mine. It's my way of saying I trust you to make the right decisions, and I hope you would expect the same from me.

[Jonny317]

I'm probably older than you (didn't have a cell phone until 25) but my wife, my son and I all have the same passcode on our iPhones. I have nothiong to hide but they also don't snoop. We respect eachother.

[Anonymous]

Interesting. It seems like you are hiding something

[EpicDweeb]

Yes... that was the point. But what I'm hiding isn't a lack of faithfulness, rather it's keeping the privacy of my friends. Whether or not I trust my girlfriend doesn't mean my friend gives me permission to share information with my girlfriend. Searching through my phone isn't necessarily violating my privacy if I trust you... but it's a complete violation ON MY PART of my friend's part by letting my girlfriend or someone else browse my conversations. That's why I will never screen shot a conversation with a friend to discuss it with someone else. That would be a violation of their privacy, not mine. I have been trusted by my friends to keep their privacy. That's what 80% of thus boils down to for me.

[xZoeyx]

Completely agree. I've always been like this but people never understand and think I'm doing something I shouldn't. Great take!

[Anonymous]

I don't want her to judge the strange memes I store on my phone LOL

[EpicDweeb]

... I feel you bro ;-;

[OatsnWhey]

I don’t know but I don’t really give a shit if she goes through my phone. I have nothing to hide at all.

[Guyana90]

I wouldn't want my boyfriend looking through my phone either.

[Prankster13]

Yes. Exactly. Thank you.

[LeaLee]

Yes, I agree. Great Take!

[admles]

Perfectly said, agree with you 100%