Why I am Disillusioned with Dating & Marriage

[Shiningtempest]

Although I haven't dated yet, I will talk about what led me to feel disillusioned about dating & marriage.

1. The Odds of Dating Ends up In Heartache Is At Least 50%

Hellen Chen, the author of "Hellen Chen 's Love Seminar: the Missing Manual that Will Make Your Relationship Last" stated that in 18 countries, more than 85% of relationship ends in separation. If more than 50% of relationship ends in heartache, why bother dating someone.

Evidence 1

2. Money as Source of Stress in Relationship

A poll in CNBC article "Money Is The Leading Cause of Stress in Relationships" discovered 35% of respondents stated money as the cause of tension in relationships. If money is the leading cause of tension in relationship, what chance do I have in making relationship work?

Couples Fighting Over Money

3. The Probability of Marriage Ending in Divorce is 40% to 50%

In the subsection "Marriage and Divorce" from the homepage of American Psychology Association, around 40 to 50% of marriage results in divorce. If around 40 to 50% of marriage ends in failure, then marriage is equivalent to financial suicide.

Argument Between a Couple

4. Custody Battle Between Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie

From the USA Today article "Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Set to Take Custody Battle Over their Six Kids to A Private Trial", Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie could have a private trial since they can't resolve custody issue. If Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie have a nasty custody battle, then what chances do married couples have should their marriage falls apart?

Photo of Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie

Here are my 4 reasons why I am disillusioned with dating & marriage.

[oOsecret_starlandsOo]

You aren't disillusioned, your just pointing at the branches to the roots of the toxic relations tree.

Self sacrifice is required for any relationship to maintain, be it friends, family or lover.

We yield to each other, and adjust ourselves to keep balance and mutuality.

The world has shifted to a very self centered, ego friendly view - so less and less people can yield or adapt themselves... because they aren't made too anymore.

People's self focused views, have created fantasy ideas, that a relationship is about YOU and what YOU want and need.

In all truth, a relationship is about the other person - making sure they are cared for in basic needs, satisfied and happy.

If two people are focused on the happiness of their partner, then you develop into being one unit, rather than two just existing together.

Relationships and marriages fail, only because one person or both, break this united mind, or never had one to begin with.

Money is no problem - a married couple of 14yrs, lived out their car with 3 kids after losing home in a fire. Since they were one unit, they simply worked together to get themselves back up again.

The hardest part isn't the relationship, its finding a person willing to really be one unit with you.

This us the era of LACKING STANDARDS, so its no wonder people can't maintain anything when they are afraid to step up and meet standards for themselves, or have realistic standards for others.

You keep your firm mind about you, and its no issue that the love of others is bleak these days.

This cycle is killing itself, because the more people thirst for real love, the harder they'll start working to dig it out of themselves and others.

[A-man-22]

While a good relationship and marriage do exist many fail.

You aren't disillusioned just cautious.

If men had a movement group for themselves they would not doubt be campaigning for divorce laws to be made more man friendly.

Money is a tradition thing
Men would work and provide for the whole family in olden times.
But now women can work and earn as much as men so they should put their fair share of money into relationship time instead of leeching of the guy.

Caution shouldn't stop you from dating but it may save you from a gold digger or an untrustworthy wife.

[Giggletr0n]

Men do have movement groups for this

[A-man-22]

They are very small compared to women's variants and almost never get in the news.

[markml]

The root of the problem is EXPECTATIONS, and that's mainly a cultural problem.

Consider for a moment that no one chooses their blood relatives, and yet it's very rare for people to "divorce" their parents, siblings or children.

Somehow, when it comes to the family we are born with, we somehow find a way to make it work. And yet, when it comes to romantic partners (where we actually have a say in who we pick), we run away at the first signs of trouble. We run away because we assume we're going to find something better.

How do we solve this problem? First, you need to educate yourself to truly understand what the problem is.

Watch this video on the science of happiness, and see why expectations are the problem:
www.ted.com/.../dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy

Also, here's a philosophy talk specifically about expectations in marriage:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCS6t6NUAGQ

Now that you have watched those videos, try to get your mind into a state where you feel as comfortable as possible with being single. This may be difficult, but experience has taught me that desperation is the worst enemy. When you are desperate, you are more likely to LEAP WITHOUT LOOKING. That is the root cause of most romantic blunders.

Once you do start dating, your body will suddenly start producing all these endorphins which create a "high" feeling. And from that feeling, there will be the temptation to take things fast. You will also feel your expectations rising rapidly. You must actively fight to take things slow. Again, you need to CONTROL YOUR MIND. Lower the expectations.

This is not easy. It's never easy. But if you cannot control yourself, you certainly cannot control the world. The more control you have over your own mental state, the more ability you will have to get what you really want in this world. Although, ironically the more you want something, the harder it is to control your mental state.

The reason you need to take things slow is because people change. Even if you have spent nearly every minute together with someone for a few months, you don't really know them because you don't know how they change over time. Sometimes people change very dramatically.

Or more accurately, people have different sides to themselves. Sometimes these different sides are like day and night. In a period of a few months, you may only see what the person is like when they are in a good mood. Six months later, a completely different side may emerge. You can't know what the risks are until you have seen someone's dark side.

You might need to wait a year to even get a glimpse of someone's dark side, and then it may take closer to 5 years just to fully understand that dark side. If you keep this in mind, it may help reduce heartbreak.

The worst kind of heartbreak is the kind that hits you by surprise.

[JudgmentDay]

It's simple. You don't have to nor NEED to date or marry. Those are merely just WANTS. Just like addictions, all just wants to fill an emptiness and a void in our existence and lives. But that emptiness and void is inescapable either way. You don't NEED to date, have sex, have a relationship, or marry, etc. in order to LIVE and BREATH. So you'll be just fine WITHOUT ANY of those things in your life. Figure out what it is that you want to make of your life and what you want to do with your life WITHOUT any of those things that you DON'T NEED AT ALL. Those WANTS only feels like NEEDS when somebody really want to start a family and raise a family of their own and crave all of those things so badly. So unless you are like that and really feel that way about it, then keep pursuing it regardless of whatever heartbreak and frustrations you'll be going through, as there really are no other alternatives. If not, then there really isn't much of a point, just remain single, nothing wrong with it.

[Heartcrusher]

there are unrealistic expectation about marriage. People forget that it’s literally compromising your lifestyle to accommodate someone else. Yet most are to stubborn to make those sacrifices. Instead of thinking about what helps, people think about what they already done and assume that’s enough. People hold these feelings in and eventually they explode and react irrationally and unintentionally hurt one another.

[Ellie-V]

All I read was paranoia and fear. I’m not interested in getting married but even I know that having a wimpy, frightful attitude about marriage just makes you a chump.
You wouldn’t have to worry about marriage falling apart if you weren’t too lazy about putting the work in.

[Dchrls78104]

I understand you perfectly. I somewhat share your disillusionment.
I'm past 40 and a virgin. I don't like what is going on between men and women. The best way I can say I don't like it is to remain a virgin.

[Redstang88]

It’s nothing but sensible for a guy to be apprehensive about marriage. I’m sure everyone knows at least one guy that’s been ruined by a vengeful ex, most of us more than one.

[Giggletr0n]

Yeah marriage is a crap shoot at best but that is the same for literally anything in life, avoiding it won't change it but neither do you have to engage in it either

[SweetEvilKitty]

People get married for the wrong reasons nowadays. Its okay to be cautious.

[Anonymous]

Life is too short to waste my time in such stupid things... Basically, I agree

[Secretgardenblood]

Good take. ..